1. Do you still talk to the person you lost your virginity to?
I'm a doormat. I still talk to every single one of my ex-girlfriends if they contact me. That's not to say I'm happy to hear from all of them, but I'll talk to them.
2. What would you do with 1,000 plastic spoons?
Plastic spoon art! I see a giant sculpture forming in my mind right now.
3. What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?
It depended on whose room I was in. Keep in mind I'm the last of 5 kids and my oldest sister is 10 years older than me. I listened to something dramatically different in each room of the house. If it was my room it was The Monkees or anything I had inherited, like "Stir It Up" by Johnny Nash on a 45 that someone was gonna throw out, and "Hot Rod Lincoln" by Commander Cody. But if I went around to my brother and sisters' rooms I listened to: Hank Williams Sr, Neil Diamond, Peter Frampton, or Pink Floyd. And yes, that's in order from my oldest sister down to my youngest brother, so if you know who my brother and sisters are then you can guess who was playing what. Oh, and let's not forget Dad and his Earth-shaking stereo system with the 20 inch horn. He liked bagpipes cranked all the way up. Otherwise he'd listen to big band or country and inflict it on all of us as he pleased.
4. What is the best thing about your current job?
I'm not unemployed.
5. Do you wish cell phone etiquette was required?
In traffic? Yes. Hang up and drive or snap on a hands-free, dumbass. Otherwise I don't really care. I don't talk on a cellphone any more often than I can help. Can you hear me now? Just barely, dude.
6. Are you against same sex marriage?
I'm against judges making the decision and then lying and saying it's required by the Constitution. It isn't. If the voters decide to change the rules then so be it. But don't let some unelected judge shove it down our throats. I don't even care what the decision specifically relates to. I just don't like having arrogant asshole judges shoving bullshit on me and then lying to me about why they did it. That's called getting buttfucked and as I'm not into that I don't care much for it. Let the people decide.
7. Have you been on a date in the past week?
Yeah, we went out on my birthday in the pouring rain and we had a good time.
8. Where are you going on your next vacation?
Don't know yet. We had thought we were going to Seattle to see My Wife's Brother and his White Trash Wife, but after the way she acted in our home that's out. So probably Florida.
9. Quote a song lyric:
"Hey babe, what's in your eyes? I saw them flashing like airplane lights. You fill my cup up, and that's for sure. And I must come back, for a little more. You've got my heart. You've got my soul. You've got the silver, you've got the gold. You've got the diamonds from the mine. Well, that's alright, it'll buy some time. "
10. Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
Most of the friends in my life are far away and from long ago. We keep in touch on the internet, those of us that still talk much. The rest I see from time to time when I visit home. But if we move far from my hometown I may never visit there again. The rest of my friends I only know from the internet and they are all relatively new.
11. Do you own any furniture from Ikea?
Um, no. Why? Were you looking to borrow some or something? What kind of funky question is this? Do you own any underwear from KMart? Seriously, why ask this?
12. Do you like your parents?
Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Doesn't matter though, 'cause they'll always be my parents. Nothing can change that.
13. Do you still live with them?
No, no, oh hell no!
14. What state/country are you from?
Alabama, in a little island in which no one else was from there and had all been imported to work for the government as engineers and teachers. Little did I realize that we were nothing like the rest of the state.
15. Tell us about the last conversation you had?
These people keep complaining that they can't access these reports with data from today. They're month end reports. They won't even generate until Saturday night. Yeah, I know. Well, that's what I told them. Geez, we're gonna be flooded with this shit all day. Yeah, I know. Shit. Dumb fuckers.
16. Where do you see yourself in one month?
Sitting in this chair, still worrying over the same stuff, still trying to figure out the same stuff, still stuck in Memphis and in this same cubical. But you never really know, though, do you?
17. What is your favorite smell?
I can't hardly smell a damned thing so just about anything that can penetrate my sinuses and register in my brain is good to me. Skunk or peppermint, it all comes across as the same for me.
18. What happened to #18???
I'm really tired of these stupid quizzes with one missing question that asks what happened to the missing question, as if we're supposed to know. I usually make something up to fill the missing spot, so I guess that's what I'm gonna do here, too:
18. Why the hell do you fill out all these stupid quizzes and then expect people to read them?
I'm a smartass. I like giving smartass answers to totally pointless questions. I don't know why. I learned it from My Dad. But he's not as funny as he used to be, he just doesn't know it.
19. Do you consider yourself bi-polar?
What, like having sex with both male and female polar bears? That's just freaky as shit. Hell no, I'm not crazy. They'd tear me up the minute I climbed into the cage. But boy would they be soft, wouldn't they? But no! No way! Soft or not, I'm not doing that.
20. What is the time and the outside temperature?
It's 11:12 a.m. and 56 degrees and what the hell possible good can this information do for you?!
21. Have you ever done anything vindictive to your coworkers?
Not that I can recall. I did once work with a certified psychopath named Robbie. I watched him do vindictive shit every single day, but he just enjoys hurting people. It's what he gets up in the morning for. I don't have the slightest respect for him or people like him so I don't want to be like that.
22. Have you ever gone to therapy?
What kind of therapy? I went to knee therapy for months after I tore my ACL and had to have it replaced. It wasn't a lot of fun. I mean, I don't recommend it if you can avoid it, the tearing of the ACL part, I mean. There was a Memphis cop in there with the exact same injury and going through the same therapy as me. She was a total wimp. I couldn't believe it.
23. Have you ever Played Spin the Bottle?
Not that I can recall. Truth or dare was more popular in my neighborhood.
24. Have you ever Toilet papered someone's house?
Oh hell yes. I even blogged about it the last time. Good old Evan, he's got the perfect trees for it and the darkest yard you ever did see. You're never too old to TP someone. And we did John Jackson's house back in college. And some girl's house, I didn't even know her but I was running with a wild gang, a bunch of outlaw Baptists and we were on a tear. Yeah, TP gangs that form in Sunday School are the most dangerous.
25. Have you ever liked someone but never told them?
Well yes, I think that was the majority of my life's experiences, liking some girl and never telling her. This is one of those big "if I could go back in time and do it over" things that I would change.
26. Have you ever gone camping?
Yes, when I was about 13 or 14 I did several times. One time I fell asleep on my stomach while camping and woke up at about 5 a.m. to a wet dream. Man, that was a surprise! I apparently humped the ground and it was good. Had to throw my underwear away.
27. Have you ever had a crush on your sibling's friend?
No, can't think of a single time that ever happened.
28. Have you ever been to a nude beach?
No, but I've been to some ugly beaches. Yeah, that's where everyone there is ugly and you want to go somewhere else.
29. Have you ever had sex on the beach?
No, not the drink and not the act. Nope. Never have.
30. Have you ever had a stalker?
Trying to remember. I've had some really freaky girls who wouldn't leave me alone or go away, and one of them attacked me, but I don't believe I've ever had some show up outside my window or anything. At least not that I knew about.
31. Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
Can't recall. Probably not.
32. Have you ever laughed so hard you cried?
Yes, many times. Have you ever laughed so hard you peed? That's what you should've asked.
33. Have you ever gone to a party where you were the only sober one?
Yes, and I don't recommend it. Unless you've got a video camera and a mission.
34. Have you ever been cheated on?
Yes, and it wasn't much fun. I would highly recommend the NOT being cheated on if you can work it. The other just sucks.
35. Have you ever had sex with one of your opposite sex friends?
Sorta, if fumbling around half naked counts. But if you define sex the way Bill Clinton does then probably 'no.' Then again, he changes definitions at will so maybe I should say 'yes and no.'
36. Have you ever felt betrayed by your best friend?
Yes, but as I've gotten older I've realized that I used to be much too generous with the term 'friend' anyway. Lots of the people I hung out with were not my friend and never really thought of me as their friend in the first place. I just didn't know it at the time.
37. Have you ever felt like you were just completely rhino raped?
Yes, I've been rhino raped as often as anyone I know. And it doesn't get easier over time. Damn those rhinos!
38. Have you ever lied to your parents?
What would have been the point? They never listened to what I was telling them in the first place. I stayed out drunk and drag racing until 4 or 5 a.m. and then came home trashed and they just didn't care to know. It was like living with really bitchy roommates who paid all the bills. And when I was little I remember getting punished for things I didn't even do just because it was easier for them to punish me than to figure out who did it and punish them. You know, I'm sure I lied to them about something, but as I think about this question I can't think of a single time I just stood there and lied my ass off to them. But you have to understand, I come from a really dysfunctional, fucked up family.
39. Have you ever been out of the US?
Yeah, I was trying to stalk Binsk, but I got lost in Ontario and then I saw this waterfall and it distracted me. Then they made me go home because I climbed the rail and peed into the water. I mean, what's the big deal? It's all water. And one other time I went on a cruise. We started off in Puerto Rico, which thinks it's part of the U.S., but it's not. From there we went to various islands that spoke either funky English, Spanish, or French.
40. Have you ever thrown up from working out?
Oh yes. When I ran cross country in high school I ended every single race my freshman year with a nice big puke. If I didn't puke I felt like I hadn't run hard enough at the end. But I did have one hell of a kick at the end, that's for damn sure. You could beat me for 2.9 miles and I'd blow you away that last 100 yards and then puke across the finish line you still had to cross. Take that, sucka! And then there was this one time at the gym, but that was much less glorious. I was just laying in the floor white as a ghost and one of the trainers came over and asked me, "are you dead?"
41. Have you ever gotten a haircut so bad that you wore a hat?
I have it right now.
42. Have you ever eaten 3 meals from 3 different fast food locations? In a day?
Probably while on the road from Alabama to Texas when I was a kid. And I think several trips in high school and college I probably did. But it's not my favorite thing to do, by any means. Too much fast food turns my guts inside out. There is something they put in it, I don't know what it is, but it'll make me really, really sick if I get too much built up inside me.
43. Have you ever gotten so wasted you didn't know what was going on?
Uuhhh, what? Me? Ummm, well, yes. But sometimes that's the whole point to getting wasted in the first place.
44. Have you ever spied on someone you had a crush on?
I used to bicycle all the way over to Adrienne Kump's house and just do laps around her block hoping she'd come out. Eventually she did and we talked, but she never liked me like I liked her so it was just a lot of exercise for nothing. And then her father pulled my shoulder out of socket, which was dumb because then I couldn't bike home and I was stuck there. Dumbass. I was like 12 years old. What was the point of that?!
45. Have you ever slept with one of your coworkers?
Yes, but we were already married to each other. Pooya!~Bet you didn't see that coming!
46. Have you ever seen your best friend naked?
Yeah, I think I've seen all of my closest friends naked at one time or another. But since I'm not gay it does nothing for me. Oh, and recently I saw several of my friends wives naked, too. Thanks Kelly, Sam, and Jennifer, that was great! And I really mean that.
OK, so that's it. I think some people doing this are tagging other people to do it, but Stacy didn't so I won't either. I'm just a big copycat.
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