Randomness

I don't care anything about T Mobile, but I definitely like the T Mobile model. Her real name is Carly and she's pretty hot.

T Mobile girl without her pink uniform

I don't see anything smart about the so-called smart cars. They're just tiny and not very handy. A go-cart is as useful and probably a lot more fun to drive.

There's a man in there

Every time a politician orders the car manufacturers to raise their corporate average fuel economy standards he brags that he's "saving the environment." But increasing the number of people splattered on our highways because their little plastic cars are smaller and lighter and less safe does not save the environment. Mangled corpses are pollution, too, just a different kind. And talk about a "carbon footprint!" A dead body is nothing but carbon.

This is a spectacular car

Why is it so difficult for people who work at car dealerships to answer a simple question? I ask very straightforward and critical questions about specific features of the cars they claim to want to sell to me and they DON'T ANSWER THEM. Instead, they go on and on about the heated seats or other things I didn't ask and don't have time for. I end up blowing them off and moving on to someone else because they never answered my questions. Look, if I ask what color a car is, I don't want to know if it has XM Satellite radio and I don't care. If I ask if it has a sunroof you should damn well find out before you call me and tell me what a spectacular fucking car it is, but you don't know if it has a sunroof or not. Why did you call me then? I have seconds during the day to take your call while I'm working. And I'll take a millisecond to hang up on you if you didn't find out the answers to my questions before calling me. Don't waste my time or I'll move on to the next dealer. Seriously, what is wrong with these people? Is selling cars what people do only after a serious brain injury has left them unable to work at any other job?

We're gonna "get Mitt" HA HA!

Our news media was just caught collaborating between each other to try to set up Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney. Naturally their employers, the three major networks, the New York Times, Time inc, CNN, AOL, etc, aren't reporting on this very big, very important and very interesting story. But they sure are bitching and complaining about major papers closing due to lack of readership and network news programs losing money hand over fist. And they act as if they don't know why this is. Then again, communists have demonstrated time and time again that they can't do math and don't understand how economics works so I guess it only makes sense that they would be baffled at their longstanding record of monetary failure.

Kristen Bell

I just stayed up ridiculously late to watch a talk show solely because actress Kristen Bell was on. And then instead of leaving after her interview she just moved down and stuck around. So of course I kept watching until the very end, after Regina Spektor performed. And then right after that smoking hot actress Heather Graham was on the Craig Ferguson show and so naturally I stayed up and watched that, too. Because I'm an idiot. And also because I like beautiful women like Kristen Bell and Heather Graham.

Chelsea

I would totally 'do' Chelsea Handler if I were single and she were desperate enough. And her guest from tonight's show, Milla Jovovavich, too. I'm not picky, just lonely. Somehow I picture sex with Chelsea as being a lot of laughs. Why anyone would want sex with a lot of laughs I can't really explain. I just haven't been smiling much lately and I think I need something extraordinary.

Mr Buff

The more I run and bike and exercise, the fatter I get. What's up with that? It's like my body is allergic to exercise and is swelling up in response to it, but not in a good way.

Transforms into a Camaro around Megan Fox

I spent over an hour tonight helping my neighbor load his gigantic lawn robot machine onto his trailer after his engine blew. He had it on a hill, loading up into a tilted trailer which was aimed uphill, so it was extra fun. He said it weighs 900 pounds. It was just him and me and he's old enough that he's retired so most of the heavy pulling fell to me and my swollen He-Manliness. See? I'm not always a total asshole. Just most of the time.

My armpits, groin and tailbone are itchy like all the time now. I have no idea why. I think I'm becoming allergic to my own stink.

So I had a car lined up. It was black and beautiful. I was ready to go. We sat at the salesman's desk and started to talk money. There was the price on the sticker. And then there was a discount. And then they started adding things to the price. Destination charge - $1000. Gas guzzler tax - $1000. Memphis city tax - $4000. And more. Before long, it was a price I wasn't willing to pay. I looked at the price and said "I can get a 550 horsepower Shelby GT500 for that and drive like Batman through traffic, moving so fast no one can even see me. I could drive so fast I'd travel backwards in time. You sure that's the price you want to ask me for?"  Yep, he was sure. It was the "best we can do." I left.  So now I have a white version of the same car shipping into Memphis, to a different dealership. It's one year older, but has almost no miles on it. I don't know how that works exactly, a car 2 years old without any miles on it, but unless the salesman manages to pile an additional $5-10,000 in taxes onto it I think I may have found my car.

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