Dear Friends
I have been watching you very closely
to see if you have been good this year
and since you have I will be telling my elves
to make some goodies for me to
leave under your tree at Christmas.
I was going to bring you all
gifts from the 12 days of Christmas,
but we had a little problem.
The 12 fiddlers fiddling have
all come down with VD from fiddling with
the 10 ladies dancing,
the 11 lords leaping have knocked up
the 8 maids a-milking, and the
9 piperspiping have been arrested
for doing weird things to the
7 swans a-swimming.
The 6 geese a-laying,
4 calling birds,
3 French hens,
2 turtle doves
and the partridge in a pear tree
have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.
On top of all this!
Mrs. Claus is going through menopause,
8 of my reindeer are in heat,
the elves have joined the gay liberation
and some people who can't read a calendar
have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.
Maybe next year I will be able
to get my shit together and bring you the things you want.
This year I suggest
you get your asses down to Walmart
before everything is gone.
Love,
Santa
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