FYF - Ho Ho Headline News

fuck you friday

Fuck You Friday

It's another Fuck You Friday.

The elections are over and Christmas is nearly here:

Canadian women's gym gets OK to bar men

There are tons of female-only businesses in the U.S. now, especially gyms. This is not new. Remember when white people had their own water fountains? Yeah, same thing.

Recliner saves man who was shot in head

His wife tried to shoot him in the head on he/r way out to the women-only gym, but the Laz-E-Boy he was sitting in deflected he/r bullet and saved his life. Men should marry Laz-E-Boys instead of wo/men. This would save us so much trouble. And soon it will probably be legal to do so. At least in Massachusetts.

37 percent of U.S. births out of wedlock

But don’t you dare speak out against this because we can’t judge others. Except when they say things that are politically incorrect, like “kids need two parents” or “Merry Christmas” or "God bless you." In those cases we judge like mad and excommunicate the unbelievers immediately.

U.N. says 39.5 million people have HIV

The U.N. says a lot of shit. But when you get past the double-talk and bullshit it all boils down to two things, the U.N. wants more money and the U.N. wants more power. That’s all there is to it.

Being transgender no longer about surgery in NY

No, it’s about politics. Reality doesn’t matter in New York City (which is why they now say "gender" instead of "sex" for almost everything.) Perception is all that matters. And whether or not Paris Hilton invited you to he/r latest drunken orgy.

Nearly half U.S. abortions are repeats for women: study

Buy one get one free.

Man shows up to DUI hearing drunk

Danny Divito?

Streisand basks in "Happy Days" after Dems victory

Remember when Fonzi jumped a shark on his motorcycle during that last season? Yeah, that was awesome.

Democrats call for ouster of U.S. health official

They want him purged for being an unbeliever. And he’s not a U.S. Health official. He’s a U.S. "Family Planning" official. So you know what this is really about.

Is America ready for a Mormon president?

Sure, why not? If nothing else it would give South Park a whole lot of funny shit to make fun of.

NASA's Mars Global Surveyor believed lost in space

Danger Will Robinson! Danger! Dr. Smith is a pedophile and he’s checking out your bunghole!

Cosmonaut set to tee off in space

Yes, because a better game of golf is what space exploration is really all about.

Woman, 92, slain in shootout with police

She was a crack shot, but there were just too many of them and it took her too long to pour in the powder and pack it down between rounds.

U.S. to implement passport requirement

It’s official. You now need a passport to go into or out of California.

'Nativity' booted from Ill. Christmas fair

What the story actually says is that the city itself said “A public Christmas festival is no place for the Christmas story.” Think about that for a minute.

Rwandans united in anger at France

Yeah, I seem to recall this 'anger at France' going around here in the States one time. It doesn’t do any good. The French don’t give a shit if you’re mad at them.

Zimbabwe army says cellphones danger to security

When a leader is a mass murdering Marxist madman he tends to consider anything that allows people to communicate freely to be a “danger to security.” His security, not theirs.

Flat-screen TVs, game consoles top holiday list

What “holiday” would that be for exactly? Are there a lot of TVs and game consoles being given for Hanukkah? What about the FBI’s own personal “holiday” of Kwanza? Are all 5 of the people who celebrate Kwanza buying up enough TVs and game consoles that we have to say “holiday” instead of “Christmas”, which is what everyone knows these are actually for? What does it say about modern American businesses that they insult 99 percent of their customers for the benefit of a select few in the legal department? It sounds pretty elitist to me.

Report says CO2 emissions have doubled

Sorry about that. I get pretty gassy after Thanksgiving. Oops, should I not have said “Thanksgiving?” Should I have said “Holiday” instead?

Scientists say trained bees can sniff bombs

That’s awesome. So what do they do when they find one, sting it to death?

Bush urges conflict resolution at Russia borders

I was under the impression that the Russians were already trying to resolve it. I was under the impression that they were trying to resolve it by poisoning every single person who disagrees with them or is otherwise in some way, shape, or form inconvenient to their plans.

Wild boars rampage through village

Rosie O’Donnell was in town and looking for a sandwich.

Wo/men 'talk three times as much as men'

They also blog more. But according to Carol Gilligan they mysteriously go silent in school. Apparently Carol never actually went to school.

Owner: Man tried to hide guitar in pants

I’ll bet he could play “Stairway to Heaven” like nobody’s business.

Man accused of spray-painting 3 goats

It’s really hard being a gangbanger in Kansas.

Court: U.S. discriminates against blind with currency

This is so gay. First they try to get rid of “In God We Trust” and remove “Liberty” entirely from the new coins, and then they say we have to have freakin’ brail paper money. Let’s poke out the judge’s eyes instead.

California sea lions attack humans

Apparently the sea lions saw the weirdos along Venice Beach with their fashionable clothes and pink hair and mistook them for fish.

Police say mother microwaved her baby

Meanwhile, the National Organization for Wo/men is desperately trying to figure out how to make the mothe/r out to be the “real victim” here. If they can find out who the father is there’s a good chance they’ll blame him. After that, we'll see the mothe/r being sympathetically interviewed on "The View." Shortly thereafter, a gang of mothe/rs from Texas will be arrested for beating the living shit out of he/r.

U.S. to unveil new citizenship questions

What is your name? What is your quest? What is your favorite color? OK, off ya go then.

7M in U.S. jails, on probation or parole

And now several of them are in Congress, fighting to be appointed as heads of various committees.

Modest weight loss healthy for older women

More shocking discoveries from a study that didn’t need to be done because we already knew this! It’s interesting that they chose to exclude males simply because the government requires the misandric exclusion in order to receive tax-payer funding. And still the Republicans are wondering why they didn’t get enough votes this time. Hmm, it's a mystery.

Abortion pill thwarts breast cancer gene

So that whole “no link between abortion and breast cancer” is thrown right out the window as they replace it with this “an abortion pill per day keeps the doctor away” argument, eh? That’s lovely.

OK, stick a fork in me. I'm done.
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