Jenna- Louise Coleman Topless - (Doctor Who's new assistant)

Doctor Who Star Jenna-Louise Coleman Strips Off For Steamy TV Series

Stunned Doctor Who fans see her go topless for BBC4 drama

Photo: Wenn

Many Doctor Who fans would love to see more of new star Jenna-Louise Coleman, and their prayers were answered on BBC4 drama 'Room At The Top' last week (we're sure you can catch it on iPlayer...)

Doctor Who's beautiful new companionstunned fans by appearing topless in the sexually charged TV show last week, which is based on John Brain's landmark 1957 novel.

Described as ‘90 per cent sex’, the sensual show sees Jenna-Louise, best known for playing Emmerdale’s Jasmine Thomas, lose her virginity to main character Joe Lampton. Almost 500,000 viewers saw the 26-year-old star in the saucy seduction scene last week, set in a grimey stairwell. Lovely!

One fan tweeted: ‘So did anyone watch Jenna-Louise Coleman in Room At The Top? I got more than I bargained for.’

Coleman exposes her breasts and places Lampton’s hand on them, prompting him to say: ‘I could never believe a woman would love me enough to let me do this.’ Ooh-err!

The actress will officially become Doctor Who's new sidekick on Christmas Day. She has already made an appearance in an episode this month, playing feisty Oswin Oswald, who was convinced she was trapped on a planet overrun by Daleks. She and the Doctor immediately bonded, but the episode ended in heartbreak when it was discovered she was slowly being converted into a Dalek.

Doctor Who fans have since speculated how Coleman will manage to meet the Doctor again, with some suggesting she will play a different character, possibly related to Oswald.

Coleman replaces the Doctor’s current assistants, Karen Gillan and Arthur Darvill...

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Little Red Riding Hood - Part 9

Red sat staring at her TV screen blankly, her mouth agape. Brandon's televised trial was turning into a circus as the judge quickly lost control of his courtroom following Brandon's gay revelations. People were yelling and running back and forth. The judge was sitting impotently behind his bench holding his gavel in mid-air, unsure what to do. And Red was in utter shock.

"Brandon is .... what?!" she stammered aloud. "No, he isn't. I know he isn't. I mean, I don't know know, but I would know if he was ... no, no, no,  no, he can't be gay." she battled with the thought.

Red was alone in her bedroom. She had turned on the TV to watch the trial after swearing to all her friends that she wasn't going to watch it. It was a farce, a political ploy by a corrupt administration and everyone knew it. She had declared her intention of boycotting the entire televised circus trial in protest of the injustice of it all. And yet here she was, television turned on and tuned to the trial. It hadn't been on for all of 15 minutes before it was over. Chairs began to fly in the courtroom. Black-clad soldiers charged in with weapons drawn and then the network cut away to an ad for President Obama's reelection campaign. Katie reflexively hit the mute button on her remote and turned away.

"He can't be gay. He just can't." she said, fighting back tears of confusion and disappointment. Her cell phone, which was sitting on the end table beside her bed, was buzzing frantically with incoming text messages from her friends who were at school. Clearly they were watching the trial in their classrooms and immediately tried to reach her about what had just happened. She didn't want to answer any of the messages. She didn't even want to acknowledge to herself what she had just heard.

Meanwhile, inside the White House, the President was already on a video conference with his wealthy overlord, George Soros. Inside the Oval Office with him were Attorney General Eric Holder and senior advisor Valerie Jarrett.

"Mr Soros," the President implored "this is turning into a nightmare. The election is less than 2 months away and all of my supporters are marching in the streets protesting against each other. I need them unified in a war against the white male capitalists and middle class exploiters of the poor. How are we going to turn this into something useful for my reelection now that our gift horse has kicked us in the teeth with his admission to being gay? We'll have to let him go at this point."

"Let him go my ass!" Mr Soros interrupted. "We're not letting anyone go. We're going to tear a page right out of the history books and follow it like a script. Don't release Brandon. Let the gays march in the streets. Let them scream out loud and long. We want more of that. In fact, we want a lot more of that. We want to stir this boiling cauldron until the streets are flowing red with rivers of blood. And then we're going to strike a fatal blow to our enemies that they can't do a damned thing about."

"How in the hell are we going to do that?!" the attorney general blurted out.

"The first thing you're going to do, Eric," Mr Soros commanded "is to go and arrest Katie Reidenhausen. And make it as ugly as possible. We don't want the feminists to grow tired of marching and protesting. We want to light a fire under their fat elderly asses and bring out even more of them into the streets. We want them as mad as hell, like they used to be. We want them bombing network news vans and shit like they did back in the 1970s, blowing things up, setting fires, shooting at people who disagree with them, the way they used to do."

"I don't mean to be rude, sir, but I don't see how ..." the president stammered.

"Just listen, it'll all make sense in a minute. Send in your presidential police with a midnight no-knock warrant and kick the Reidenhausen's front door down. Drag the girl and her entire family outside in their underwear kicking and screaming. Make a big production out of it. Make sure the whole world sees the spectacle of this rich white girl and her rich white parents being dragged across their perfectly manicured front lawn by their balls, being thrown into the back of a police van, and hauled away to a jail nobody even knows where. No knock warrants are blatantly unconstitutional, and we have Republican former president George Bush Sr to thank for them so that's something we can use to piss off people on both sides at the same time. The feminists will be boiling mad over the girl's humiliating arrest. But so will middle class white people, those fucking Republican Nazis. We want them marching in the streets, too. We HAVE to get them out into the streets. The Right has to be enraged enough to go out into the streets and protest. This is essential. We also want to send a message with this arrest to our political enemies, those fucks donating money to the Tea Party and Mitt Romney's campaign. We want them shitting their shorts with the knowledge that you could do this to them at any time for their support of your opponent, and that you will do this. The importance of their silence will come into play later, after you call off the election."

"Call off the election?!" the president, attorney general, and senior advisor all ejaculated in unison. 

"Yes, you are going to so enrage the most emotional and easily manipulated groups of useful idiots that they riot in the streets of every major city. These mild protests you have now aren't enough. We need cities burning. We need our socialist soldiers who are already in the streets to start shooting their guns. But it would help if they had someone to shoot at. That's why it would be good if we could get the Right to get out there and protest, too, so that our soldiers have targets to focus their rage on, bodies to beat and burn. Once the blood starts to flow, you are going to declare a state of emergency. You are going to declare Martial Law. I learned this from watching Adolph Hitler back when I was a Hitler youth. This is how he avoided getting tossed out of office, except he used other countries as his lackeys. You're just using your own citizens instead. But it works the same. Hell, Abraham Lincoln did it, too, declaring war on the Confederacy after they legally seceded from the Union. It wasn't about slavery. It was about power and his need to retain it. He suspended habeas corpus, threw American citizens into concentration camps when they dared to criticize his extremely unpopular war on the southern states or just disagreed with him in general. He was a master of this sort of shenanigan. But so am I."

"Lincoln had concentration camps?!" the attorney general said in disbelief. "How did he get away with that?"

"Because he suspended habeas corpus, you idiot! He made himself a king who could do anything he wanted without being limited by laws. That's the whole point here. That's how we're going to manage to call off the coming elections and keep our grip on the White House as well as the Senate and Supreme Court. We can only do this for so long before the military rises up and overthrows us, so we'll have to move fast once we put this into motion, but we can make almost all the fundamental changes to this country that we ever wanted during that time if we just move quickly enough. By the time we finally permit another election, no one will have the means to run against us. And our control over the vote counting will be absolute by that point, so we'll always win no matter how the people vote."

"You are a fucking genius!" the president exclaimed with obvious excitement.

"You're damn right I am." Mr Soros responded. "That's why I'm one of the richest and most powerful men in the world, and yet almost no one even knows who the hell I am. I'm your invisible god."

At 2 a.m. the following morning Mr. Reidenhausen's "Neighborhood Watch" alarm went off. Mr. Reidenhausen leaped up from his bed, looking into the computer monitor on the table next to his bed which had suddenly turned on to show what was setting the alarm off. A stream of black SUVs were speeding around the turn from Briarcrest Avenue onto Shady Grove. Intermingled with the SUVs were black Humvees and a few Ford Crown Victorias with push bars welded to the front. There was no mistaking what this convoy of black was all about. They were coming for Red Riding Hood!

"Katie, get up!" Mr Reidenhausen shouted at the top of his lungs as he flew across his bedroom and out the door, sprinting down the hallway to Katie's bedroom. He burst in the door without slowing down. "Katie! Get up! They're coming! Where is the bag I told you to pack?" he shouted at a very startled Red Riding Hood.

Red had been sound asleep when the sound of the alarm began echoing throughout the house. She was having a dream about Brandon and the wedding they would one day have together. The dream felt sad now, but it was a dream she had had many times over the years since back when she was a little girl.

Mr. Reidenhausen didn't wait for Red to reply. He threw open her closet and yanked out the suitcase he had given her to pack. It was heavy enough that he knew she had obeyed him and packed weeks ago. He gripped the suitcase in one hand and his daughter's arm in the other as he dragged her out into the hall. "Hurry, Katie, hurry!" he ordered.

Outside Red's window she could see a bright light shining down on the front lawn from above. A helicopter could be heard hovering up out of sight. Just as Red's father pulled her away she caught a glimpse of a black Humvee crashing through the gates to their driveway. Her heart jumped in her chest as she began to fully comprehend what was happening.

"Dad, they're coming!" she screamed and leaped ahead of him, now almost pulling him along as she headed for the back staircase.

"Go, Katie, go down into the storm shelter, just like I told you!" Mr Reidenhausen commanded. They both sprinted down the stairs, through the kitchen. Then through the laundry room. Then out into the garage. There, embedded in the concrete floor, was a steel door just behind where Mrs. Reidenhausen's Range Rover would normally be parked. It had been moved into the driveway while the Mexican men had worked on a plumbing problem which Mr. Reidenhausen said they had accessed via the storm shelter. Mrs Reidenhausen had been out of the country for months promoting Mr. Reidenhausen's security software to various foreign governments and companies and so had no idea that her shiny black Range Rover had been shoved out into the driveway for several weeks. Birds had greatly enjoyed targeting the shiny high-gloss British vehicle with their poop.

Outside the garage, the Reidenhausens could hear the Obamacops running all around outside the house. Inside, they could hear their front door being smashed in and soldiers charging in, military boots thundering across the entryway floor. Red Riding Hood's heart began pounding like galloping hooves inside her chest as her father threw open the door to the storm shelter. Red flew down the metal steps, suitcase in hand, and deep into the shelter, with her father running after her. He shut the metal door behind him as he entered. Red thought it a shame now that it didn't have a lock.

Down at the bottom of the stairs Red came face-to-face with a dead end. There was nowhere left to run from here. She glanced momentarily at the supply shelf mounted against the back wall. The usual bottles of water and canned goods were there. Only they seemed different somehow, more neatly arranged. She hoped that the police would be too stupid to realize where they had gone and not look for them down in the shelter.

She turned to her father, heart hammering in her chest with panic, and said "What now, Dad? What do we do now?!"

"You run, Katie" he said to her, and he bent over and kissed her on the cheek. Then with his right hand he reach out and gripped a can of beans on the far right end of the middle shelf. He turned the can in place like a doorknob and Red heard a "click" sound. Then the entire shelf and wall behind it opened up as one, like a large door, revealing a dark tunnel.

Above, stomping military boots could be heard. Soldiers were coming into the garage. Katie was looking up towards the sound of the stomping boots when her father took her and pushed her inside the dark tunnel. As she stumbled inside she thought she saw a tiny speck of light somewhere far away in the darkness. She turned back to look at her father.

"Run Katie, run for your life!" he exclaimed, as he pulled the door shut, leaving her all alone in the pitch black darkness.

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The Car

I had planned to try to record some video, edit it, and then dazzle you with my awesome skills making a video. But it turns out my best video editing software is on a computer that hasn't been working right for awhile now. Also, my skills aren't that great. Also, Blogger has changed something or other and really hosed things up. So to hell with the video. Here are some photos that my dealer sent me of my new car.

So there it is. I started off looking for blue with white stripes, no sunroof, and an automatic trans. That was just about impossible to find. Then I looked for just blue or red or black with the same specs. Then I test drove a silver one with black stripes. But it was just too expensive. Then I nearly bought a solid black 2012 model that was pretty much everything I wanted. But personal issues intervened and I had to let it go. Just as I was giving up and about to buy a Mustang, this one showed up in my search. It had just arrived and hadn't been in their database for even one full day. I called and said "ship that to Memphis. Here's my credit card info." A week later it was here. I drove it, bought it and took it home. It's mine.

I never expected this search to take so long. I never expected it to be so hard to find what I wanted at a price I could stomach. Man, these things are expensive. Or at least to me they are. In my lifetime I only ever saw my father buy one brand new car, and that was when I was a little kid and it was sort of an emergency situation. From then on everything was at least 10 years old. Every car he bought was a great car, but 10 years old or older. And every car I got after I started buying my own wasn't much newer. In 1995 I bought a used 1988 truck. I was already driving a 1971 Chevy. Many years later I bought a 1990 truck. Periodically along the way I went through various vehicles, all old. The only semi-new car I bought was when my significant other was very sick in the hottest part of summer and the air conditioning went out in her favorite car. Other things were wrong and the total cost to fix it up was more than I thought the car was worth. So I bought her a car that was maybe 3 years old. We thought that one was expensive. But it was nothing compared to this.

So, I've got it. I've got my SRT8 Dodge Challenger with 6.4 liter 470 horsepower V8 engine, automatic transmission and no sunroof. When I went to pass a diesel truck on the interstate I pushed the gas a little harder than I meant to and the car just took off. It's faster than I thought. And it's comfy the rest of the time. And it's mine.

Mission accomplished.

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My Canon Rebel!

How many years ago was it that I said "I need to replace my 35mm Canon Rebel with a new digital Rebel? My blog is about 8 or 9 years old and I think it was nearly that long ago when I said this. It was back when Stacy the Peanut Queen was blogging and Leesa the awesome photographer was active every single day. It was back in the days when we wrote at least one blog post per day and blogging was exciting.

Well, Wolf Camera is going out of business. I know this because they sent me an email telling me so. First the email said "Everything 20-40% off!" I saw this and thought about going by. Then I received another email. "Everything 30-50% off!" I wasn't able to go that same day, but I went today.

I finally got my digital Canon Rebel. It's the T3i model. I was only realistically looking at the T3 model, which is a good camera, but near the low-end. The T3i is around $200 more. I had looked at it, thought about it, thought about all the other things I needed to spend my money on, and never gotten any of the cameras.

My niece, meanwhile, bought the top of the line Rebel, a $3200 masterpiece of a machine. You can't shoot a bad picture with that thing. It is AWESOME!

Still, $3200 is out of my price range for a camera. She let me use it from time-to-time and I loved it. But it's a Ferarri and I'm more of a Chevy kind of guy. I mean, money-wise I can't do a Ferarri of cameras. She is a professional so she can justify the expense. I'm not and I can't.

But today I walked into Wolf Camera and said "how much is that one, the T3?"

"$400."

"$400? That's all? How much is the better one, the T3i?"

"$600. It's marked down from $800."

Hmm, I just bought something very expensive last Friday. I still have to pay that off. I really shouldn't buy this. But I've been wanting it for 8 years. I've needed it and not had it and so ended up using a keychain 2 megapixel camera and then later my cellphone for all these years. This is the best deal I'm ever going to get.

So I bought it. Yeah, this is my excitement for this week.

Now, just wait until I tell you about the other thing I bought last Friday that has me so broke today.

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Blogger is FUCKED UP

I've just wasted over an hour that I can't afford to waste trying to write a new post here on Blogger. Everything is totally fucked up. At first I thought it was me, but after trying 3 different browsers there is no escaping the conclusion that Blogger itself is completely hosed. If this continues I'll be moving to Wordpress. So fair warning, I've already set up a blog over there and may have to move. I can't waste hours trying to write a basic post only to have Blogger itself fuck it all up. I just don't have the time to spare anymore.

---

One other thing I really want to bitch about, because it's a dark and rainy day and I am apparently in a cranky-pants mood today: My droid phone won't retrieve my fucking emails from Yahoo. I KNOW there are new emails in the inbox. I tell the phone to download them. It thinks about it for awhile and then says "sorry, there are no emails."

Yes there are. There are a shitload of emails. Go and get them, you fuckhead.

"Sorry, there are no emails."

YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! GO GET MY EMAILS!

Other times, it'll tell me I do have emails, but when I open them it won't show me the body of the message. In other words, it says "Oh look, you have emails!" And then it refuses to let me read them.

SO FUCKING AWESOME.

OK, so that's the day I'm having. Blogger fucked me and now my phone is fucking me. To be fair, the phone has been doing this for awhile. Blogger just started. I hope they're both wearing condoms because I don't want to get AIDS while these assholes are fucking me over.

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Sunday Night Rambling

So I haven't been asked to join any Fantasy Football leagues this year. And the season has started. So I'm taking this to mean that I'm not going to be asked and not going to play. This has thus far resulted in my having very little interest in football. The season is young, but I've already skipped 2 Dallas Cowboys games and for me to do that you have know that I'm just not that into it. Right now the San Francisco 49ers are taking on the Detroit Lions and I'm blogging instead of watching. All I've noticed is that Mario Manningham from the Giants is suddenly a 49er. Vernon Davis, a star Tight End, is also a 49er. I was thinking he was a Redskin last season, but I can't remember. And even though I have easy access to Google and could find out, I don't care. Davis and Manningham on the same offense is going to be a problem for opposing defenses.

I have something big to tell you and show you just as soon as I can get some good software for downloading video from my camera and editing it. I used to have a great Sony Viao PC with loads of video software on it, but suddenly it quit working so now I'm screwed. I have a new PC, but it lacks any video editing software. Any recommendations? What do you use?

So I'm blowing money out my ass lately. I'm trying to buy myself some happy. I think maybe the next big purchase needs to be a hooker. Yeah, but there aren't any hookers out here in The Boondocks where I live so I guess that idea will just have to wait.

I went for a jog yesterday. It was nothing special, just a slow, steady slog, complete with damn dogs chasing me and a little yapper that tried to bite my ankles, but I did surprisingly bad at it. After my little run my legs felt like two sticks of rubber. I could barely walk. I have gotten ridiculously weak and pathetic.

I didn't even realize that a full year had passed since I decided that I wanted to attended the Toronto International Film Festival, but apparently it has. I discovered this after missing it last year and then suddenly I'm hearing from people who are there now that I missed it again. To me it feels like a week went by between the two. I can't believe it's been a full year and I missed it again.


So, some quick opinions that I just want to lay out there:

Man-made global warming is bullshit. The promoters of this stupidity are dogmatic religious fanatics who won't even allow debate on the subject. Someone should stuff their heads in a freezer and slam the door on them several times until they fall unconscious. And then we can begin debating.

There is no war on women in any Western nation. There is a war on men and boys, and has been for my entire lifetime. Crimes against women and girls are less than one quarter as prevalent as crimes against males of any age in the United States. And they are decreasing. Our law enforcement and politicians simply don't take crimes against males seriously. If you look at how Western women are treated and live in a historical perspective they are the richest, most powerful, most privileged human beings that have ever lived. But politicians and other scam artists (communists) have found women to be especially susceptible to this specific kind of emotional manipulation through deception and so are using it to gain maximum political advantage. There have even been studies conducted recently that found that for some odd reason Western women are drawn to stories about women being hunted and preyed upon by men. There is something about it that excites them and causes them to seek out more stories of that sort. The fiction is now considered a fact in political and legal circles even as the real facts show it to be a huge and malicious lie that literally costs men their lives.

Our government is using our tax money to limit the amount of water we are able to use in our own showers. The tyrannical EPA ordered all manufacturers of showerheads in the US to place restrictors in them, making them spray with too little pressure so that it is extremely difficult to rinse all the soap out of your hair. Meanwhile, this same bunch of EPA global warming religious communist fuckwads have mandated that ethanol be produced in large quantities and mixed into our nations fuel supply, ruining it. Ethanol production wastes billions of gallons of clean drinking water per year. It creates shortages of drinking water. And these same assholes tell us that we shouldn't be permitted the freedom to take a decent shower because we waste too much water? Talk about arrogance and hypocrisy! Fuck the EPA!


Random crap I said elsewhere and am now repeating here:

A poop delayed is a poop denied. Don't schedule two meetings and then just roll from one into the other assuming no one needs a break.

According to TV, bigotry against white males, especially if they're wealthy, is not only acceptable, but even good. What happened to NoHate?

Do you think women wouldn't have been in the Olympics if not for Title IX? The rise in levels of women's athletics has been global, not limited to the United States, the only nation with a Title IX and the only nation pretending that it was politicians who created women's athletics and not athletes and coaches of both sexes. The greatest effect of Title IX hasn't been increased women's athletics, but decreased athletic opportunities for male athletes due to government quotas that eliminated male athletic teams, even when female athletes protested the elimination of their male teammates.

"When you look for the bad in mankind, you surely will find it." Some people make their living doing this, lobbying for laws based on it etc

If my life were any more fucked it would be a prostitute.

Q: What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut?
A: Tug-of-whore

Arctic sea ice makes the best margaritas.

Joe Biden speaking to the crowd in Tampa is alleged to have ended with "Ich bin ein Tampon!"

Too many M&Ms, too much sugar, has my head spinning like a teenaged boy backstage at a Victoria's Secret show.

After the USSR fell Russia adopted the red, white and blue of the USA. After Gore lost to Bush the Democrats adopted conservative blue and their obedient Press assigned communist red to the Republicans. Hardly anyone noticed the switch, but it is very significant. One of the most consistent traits of a malignant sociopath is that whenever they are cornered or just plain beaten they will try to reverse important details in exactly this manner. Beware of those who do this. They are dangerous and evil.

I swear I'm close to the end of Little Red Riding Hood. I believe we're on chapter 300 now, right? Something like that. Yeah, sorry about that. I decided the direction the story should go before I started, but I had no idea that fleshing the story out would take so long. The funny thing is, if I decided to try to make a real novel out of it, I'm sure the whole thing would be maybe 50 pages, if that. Anyway, I guess a blog isn't the place for writing short stories, eh? I mean, if it's longer than a single post then it's too long.

Wallander is on. It's a series about a Swedish detective. I think I'm going to watch it.

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Randomness

I don't care anything about T Mobile, but I definitely like the T Mobile model. Her real name is Carly and she's pretty hot.

T Mobile girl without her pink uniform

I don't see anything smart about the so-called smart cars. They're just tiny and not very handy. A go-cart is as useful and probably a lot more fun to drive.

There's a man in there

Every time a politician orders the car manufacturers to raise their corporate average fuel economy standards he brags that he's "saving the environment." But increasing the number of people splattered on our highways because their little plastic cars are smaller and lighter and less safe does not save the environment. Mangled corpses are pollution, too, just a different kind. And talk about a "carbon footprint!" A dead body is nothing but carbon.

This is a spectacular car

Why is it so difficult for people who work at car dealerships to answer a simple question? I ask very straightforward and critical questions about specific features of the cars they claim to want to sell to me and they DON'T ANSWER THEM. Instead, they go on and on about the heated seats or other things I didn't ask and don't have time for. I end up blowing them off and moving on to someone else because they never answered my questions. Look, if I ask what color a car is, I don't want to know if it has XM Satellite radio and I don't care. If I ask if it has a sunroof you should damn well find out before you call me and tell me what a spectacular fucking car it is, but you don't know if it has a sunroof or not. Why did you call me then? I have seconds during the day to take your call while I'm working. And I'll take a millisecond to hang up on you if you didn't find out the answers to my questions before calling me. Don't waste my time or I'll move on to the next dealer. Seriously, what is wrong with these people? Is selling cars what people do only after a serious brain injury has left them unable to work at any other job?

We're gonna "get Mitt" HA HA!

Our news media was just caught collaborating between each other to try to set up Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney. Naturally their employers, the three major networks, the New York Times, Time inc, CNN, AOL, etc, aren't reporting on this very big, very important and very interesting story. But they sure are bitching and complaining about major papers closing due to lack of readership and network news programs losing money hand over fist. And they act as if they don't know why this is. Then again, communists have demonstrated time and time again that they can't do math and don't understand how economics works so I guess it only makes sense that they would be baffled at their longstanding record of monetary failure.

Kristen Bell

I just stayed up ridiculously late to watch a talk show solely because actress Kristen Bell was on. And then instead of leaving after her interview she just moved down and stuck around. So of course I kept watching until the very end, after Regina Spektor performed. And then right after that smoking hot actress Heather Graham was on the Craig Ferguson show and so naturally I stayed up and watched that, too. Because I'm an idiot. And also because I like beautiful women like Kristen Bell and Heather Graham.

Chelsea

I would totally 'do' Chelsea Handler if I were single and she were desperate enough. And her guest from tonight's show, Milla Jovovavich, too. I'm not picky, just lonely. Somehow I picture sex with Chelsea as being a lot of laughs. Why anyone would want sex with a lot of laughs I can't really explain. I just haven't been smiling much lately and I think I need something extraordinary.

Mr Buff

The more I run and bike and exercise, the fatter I get. What's up with that? It's like my body is allergic to exercise and is swelling up in response to it, but not in a good way.

Transforms into a Camaro around Megan Fox

I spent over an hour tonight helping my neighbor load his gigantic lawn robot machine onto his trailer after his engine blew. He had it on a hill, loading up into a tilted trailer which was aimed uphill, so it was extra fun. He said it weighs 900 pounds. It was just him and me and he's old enough that he's retired so most of the heavy pulling fell to me and my swollen He-Manliness. See? I'm not always a total asshole. Just most of the time.

My armpits, groin and tailbone are itchy like all the time now. I have no idea why. I think I'm becoming allergic to my own stink.

So I had a car lined up. It was black and beautiful. I was ready to go. We sat at the salesman's desk and started to talk money. There was the price on the sticker. And then there was a discount. And then they started adding things to the price. Destination charge - $1000. Gas guzzler tax - $1000. Memphis city tax - $4000. And more. Before long, it was a price I wasn't willing to pay. I looked at the price and said "I can get a 550 horsepower Shelby GT500 for that and drive like Batman through traffic, moving so fast no one can even see me. I could drive so fast I'd travel backwards in time. You sure that's the price you want to ask me for?"  Yep, he was sure. It was the "best we can do." I left.  So now I have a white version of the same car shipping into Memphis, to a different dealership. It's one year older, but has almost no miles on it. I don't know how that works exactly, a car 2 years old without any miles on it, but unless the salesman manages to pile an additional $5-10,000 in taxes onto it I think I may have found my car.

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Nude Memphis Movie Review - Total Recall

I just saw Total Recall, the remake of the old film starring Arnold Schwarzennegger. This version stars Colin Farrell as Douglas Quaid, the man with the faulty memory. It also stars Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Biel, 2 of the most beautiful women in the world, playing the role of the women in his life.

2 of the world's most beautiful women

I haven't seen the 1990 version of this film in a very long time, and I have forgotten a lot about it, but this version is quite a bit different. For one thing, none of it takes place on Mars. The earth is virtually uninhabitable due to global chemical warfare, leaving only small portions inhabitable for human life - the UK and Australia, which is once again a colony of the UK.

The return of the 3 Breasted Woman

The colony is not treated well, as the UK is exploiting it for all its worth. The most valuable asset in this new world is living space, not natural resources, so life on the colony is tightly packed, stacked on top of itself, and not very prosperous. Prosperity is generally limited to life in the UK, and this blatant inequality and unfairness has created a hostility in the Australian colony. A revolutionary movement has formed. Every so often an act of terrorism will occur which is always blamed on the revolutionaries.

Colin Farrell and Jessica Biel

I'm not going to summarize the entire film. Instead I'm going to recommend that you see it. If it isn't in theaters anymore then rent it or buy it or wait for it show up on one of the pay channels and then watch it. But it is definitely worth watching.

I have two objections to this film. The first is that while the UK citizens speak with a British accent, no one in Australia speaks with an Australian accent. What's up with that? Everyone in Australia speaks with an American accent. That seems a bit hokey to me. The second objection is that in stereotypical fashion, the president of the UK, because he is a villain, is a white male. The only time a white male is allowed to be portrayed as president or chief or whatever the highest ranking role of authority in a story, if the film-maker is a bigot, then that white male must either be an idiot or a villain. Sometimes he is both. But he is never allowed to be good and competent. I'm sick of that. The director of this film is more talented than that. To be fair I guess I should also point out that the leader of the rebels, a good guy, is a white male, too. I suppose somewhere a black activist group is probably complaining that neither leader was black. Whatever.

Kate Beckinsale is as sexy a villain as there ever was

On the positive side, Colin Farrell is good. And Kate Beckinsale as the sexiest Darth Vader villain I've seen in a long time was kick-ass. I give the movie one star just for Kate Beckinsale. Jessica Biel as the revolutionary girlfriend was also hot and sexy. I give it one more star for Jessica Biel. So two stars just for including the 2 hottest women on the planet in a single movie. Three stars for a good story and well made film. That's 5 stars. Minus one star for the stereotypical white male corrupt leader villain, though. 1/2 star for Kate Beckinsale's tight pants throughout the entire film which showed off her ass like a monument to greatness. So I'm rating Total Recall a whopping 4 1/2 stars. Go see it. And see it in a theater if you can. Kate Beckinsale's ass on a giant screen is amazing! I'd give it  an unheard of 5 stars if it was in 3D just because of Kate Beckinsale's ass. This is a film that would really do 3D justice.

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Little Red Riding Hood - part 8

The Trial begins

Ms Haighter swaggered slowly over to Brandon and his wheelchair. She was dressed in a long gray skirt that appeared to be made of wool, brown sensible shoes, a white blouse buttoned all the way to her neck, and black rimmed glasses. Her hair was cut short. It was dark brown and appeared unwashed. As she stood in front of Brandon, arms crossed over her chest, Brandon suddenly realized that she looked a lot like Jane Hathaway from the old “The Beverly Hillbillies” TV series. He had to fight the urge to laugh once the thought crossed his mind. Every time he looked at her he started hearing the Beverly Hillbillies theme song in his head.

Do you mind if I call you Brandon?

“So Brandon,” she said with an exaggerated slowness, “do you mind if I call you Brandon?”

Brandon looked at her for a moment, trying to decide if she was joking. “Um, no, that's my name.”

“Good,” she responded, looking smug, as if she has just made a valuable point. “So Brandon, tell me about that night, the night when Katie Reidenhausen was raped and you ran away and left her there bleeding and crying while she fought for her life.”

“Well,” Brandon began to reply. “First of all, I don't know much. I never saw anyone approach her. I was talking to her when I saw what time it was and realized that I was late getting home. My parents had already warned me not to be late again. So I told her I had to go and then I drove off. She told me later that that guy, Wolf, came up to her just as I was leaving. I never saw him. I just know what she said. Second of all, she wasn't actually raped ...”

Objection!

“Objection, your Honor! The Violence Against Women Act's Rape Shield Laws prohibit the accused from denying that a rape occurred if The State says that it did. Brandon is clearly in violation of federal law when he says that Katie Reidenhausen was not raped!”

The judge straightened abruptly in his chair and said in an oddly deep voice, “Yes, you are correct. The court instructs that the defendant never again contradict the statement that Katie Reidenhausen was raped. If you deny it again you will be found in contempt. Do you understand?”

Brandon looked confused for a minute and then replied, “did no one else actually read the police report or ask Red, er, Katie what actually happened that night? Just bring her in and she'll tell you ...”

“Objection, your honor!” Ms Haighter screamed, cutting Brandon off again. “The Violence Against Women Act specifically prohibits any attempt by the defense to force a rape victim to testify or answer any questions whatever. Clearly the defendant is attempting to rape Katie Reidenhausen all over again!”

“You are correct, prosecutor,” the judge said in his standared deeper voice than he actually possessed, sort of like George Takei, the gay actor from the original Star Trek series who also talks with an obviously fake deep voice which always seems really weird. “The court warns the defendant to never again say that Katie Reidenhausen was not raped or you will be found in contempt and prohibited from speaking again. Do you understand?” he bellowed, pointing at Brandon.

Oh myyyyyyy

“Uh” Brandon stammered. “I'm a bit confused. I thought this was supposed to be a hearing where I answered questions about the night Red was attacked. How can I answer questions if I'm not allowed to speak or even point out when you've said something that is already known not to be true?”

“Just you answer the questions the prosecutor asks you, but don't violate federal law while you do it. Is that clear, young man?”

“Uh, OK, but I'm not a lawyer so I don't know these very weird federal laws you two keep quoting and you've disallowed me from having a lawyer to advise me, so how do I know what the federal laws are?” Brandon asked, obviously very confused.

The judge and prosecutor looked at each other, then at Brandon, and then back at each other. Finally, the judge said to Brandon in his ridiculously fake deep George Takei voice, “we'll tell you what you can and can't say. As long as you only answer how we tell you and never say what we tell you not to say you should be OK and not get into any trouble.”

Then the judge and prosecutor both turned and looked at Brandon as if waiting for him to say that he understood.

“That's … uh … sure, whatever.” Brandon responded in obvious confusion.

The prosecutor then returned to questioning Brandon. “So let's change gears for a minute,” she said. “Let's talk about your relationship to Katie. She's a very attractive girl, don't you think?”

There was an awkward silence. Finally Brandon said, “Can I answer now? Is it OK for me to speak? Or will I get into trouble again?”

“You can answer,” the judge instructed.

“OK. Uh, sure, she's pretty good looking.” Brandon admitted.

“And you and she have known each other for how long?”

“Since we were kids, like more than 10 years, I think.” Brandon replied.

“So you both reached sexual maturity together, more or less, is that right?”

“Uh, what? Uh, I guess so, yeah, I'm two years older than her but yeah, we reached, uh, sexual maturity a year or two apart from one another. Sure.”

“So it's safe to say that you both developed strong sexual urges at about the same time, correct?”

“Uh ..” Brandon tried to answer.

“And you both 'knew' each other” the prosecutor said as she made air quotes to emphasize the word 'knew', “during that time, as your sexual urges began to overwhelm you both, correct?”

“Uh ..” Brandon said.

“And at what point did you and Katie Reidenhausen first begin having sex together? And remember, you are under oath.” Prosecutor Haighter demanded.

“And also remember that federal law prohibits you from contradicting the assertions of the prosecutor. “ the judge bellowed.

What? We haven't ...

“What? We haven't … uh … how do I answer without … uh” Brandon stumbled.

“You DO know that for you, a 17-year-old male to engage in sexual intercourse with Katie, a 15-year-old female, is statutory rape, don't you?” Prosecutor Haighter shouted at Brandon, accusingly.

“Look, Katie and I are friends and we've known each other for a long time, but she's more like a sister to me than … I mean …”

“You cannot deny the prosecutor's statement that you and Katie engaged in illegal sexual relations.” The judge warned in his George Takei voice.

Brandon stood silently thinking for a few moments and finally responded, “Look, I'm gay, so … you can try to accuse me of having sex with Katie all you want, but that would mean you'd have to deny me my rights as a gay man, and isn't that against some federal law somewhere, too?”

The court went completely silent as the judge and entire prosecution team were momentarily stunned.

Across town, inside the White House where President Obama and Attorney General Eric Holder were watching the nationally televised trial together, they each shouted in unison, “Oh fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!”

Gay rights protestors from Connecticut to California immediately began pouring into the streets, waving signs and chanting “let Brandon go!”, “Brandon has a right to be gay”, and “No Hate for Brandon!”

The feminists were already in the streets, having been there all along waving signs that said “Castrate Brandon” and “All men are rapists.” The gay activists were mostly male. The lesbians were already out there making up the majority of the feminist protestors. The black protestors, supporters of Wolf, cheered as their enemies, the radical feminists, were now caught between the screaming and violent gay men and the perpetually angry black protestors. The flying spit of screaming militants quickly turned into flying fists, as the angry gay men raised the tension level of the protests to a new and bloodier high.

Another election year

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Nude Memphis Movie Reviews

2016
It's a documentary. What is there to say? It's a documentary by a man from India who thoroughly researched who Barack Obama is and then produced a movie about what he learned. The movie includes interviews with Barack Obama's own half-brother, who lives in Kenya in a hut, and several of Barack Obama Sr's friends in Kenya who knew him well.  Barack Obama Sr is extremely relevant because he was apparently extremely influential in forming the beliefs and philosophies of Barack Obama Jr., the President of the United States.

Supporters of Obama have attacked it endlessly. I'm pretty sure they haven't seen it because there is nothing in it that justifies their criticisms of the film. It's a documentary about Obama. It's about his history and how he became the man he is today and who exactly that man is. It doesn't matter if you are a Democrat or a Republican, if you live in the United States you might want to know who the President is. Less is known about this president than any American president in history. Apparently his supporters want to keep it that way.

I rate this movie 3 stars. It's a documentary. In order for it to get 4 stars it'd have to include something remarkable like Jessica Biel naked or, I don't know, Ben Stein getting a leading religious atheist to explain how he thinks belief in a supreme being creating life on earth is crazy, but he himself believes that aliens came flying by and "seeded the Earth" with life, which is almost exactly the same thing. It didn't, though, so 3 stars is it. 3 stars means it's worth seeing. Go see it. It's worth your time. It doesn't suck.

Hit and Run
Kristen Bell produced and stars in this movie about a guy in witness protection dating a teacher who gets a job offer on the other end of the country. She has to move for this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and in order to keep from losing her, he decides to leave witness protection and go with her.

I read the reviews before I went. They were either 1 star or 5 stars, with almost nothing in-between. People loved the shit out of it or else they hated it. The haters harped on the fact that the guy from "The Hangover" was in it, and yet the movie wasn't another redo of "The Hangover" with the same gags or pace or any of that. I'm not sure why people see an actor or actress in a single film and decide that from that point on they should only do the one type of film or even just sequels to that one film, but apparently people often feel that way. This is not "The Hangover."

This film is a love story that includes several good car chases, some fights, a number of good gags, and a lot of big names in leading roles. It's a good movie. I was in a totally shit mood when I went into the theater. And I was the first and only person sitting in the entire theater for about 15 minutes before a grand total of 4 other people came in and sat down, too. Then the movie started. I had the best seat in the place so trust me when I say this is a good movie. It isn't "The Hangover" and has nothing to do with it, so forget that shit and just go see this movie with the understanding that it's pretty funny, but nothing like that other movie.

I give it 3 1/2 stars. I might give it 4 stars just because it has Kristen Bell in it, but if 3 stars means it doesn't suck and you should go see it, and 4 stars has come to mean I was thrilled to death by it, and 5 stars is a rating I almost never give because I have to just be super excited, then 3 1/2 stars means this film is really good, I'm glad I saw it, you should go see it, and bring a date. Just don't assume because one guy from "The Hangover" is in it that its going to be a remake of that movie. It isn't. It's totally different.

Hope Springs
I was dragged to this movie by someone. It's a love story for married people. It doesn't move fast and there are no car chases, no scenes of Kristen Bell in her bra and panties (Hit and Run has that!) and no shoot-outs or fist fights that I can recall.

Everyone in the audience appeared to be older, married, and either dragging or dragged there by their significant other. There was lots of sniffling in the audience throughout the film, not all of it by me, and several older women had to go pee in the middle of the movie. I guess it was a little long, but it didn't feel long to me.

Anyway, this was a good movie overall. It's hard to put Tommy Lee Jones and Meryl Streep together in a film and not get a good result. This was really well done.  Mimi Rogers even made a cameo appearance as the hot neighbor that Tommy Lee Jones' has always wanted to have a threesome with. Steve Carrel plays it straight as the marriage counselor. No jokes or mugging by him throughout the entire film. He did a great job.

I give this film 3 1/2 stars. It's a good movie. If you're single and never had any relationship problems then it may bore you, but if you've ever been married or in a long-term relationship that maybe had some problems then you'll probably understand the story and the characters and get into it. You have to know what you're getting into beforehand, though, or else you may go into it like the idiots going to see "Hit and Run" who were expecting another "The Hangover" and then got all pissed off because the movie wasn't that. This is a movie worth seeing. It's actually pretty funny despite the sniffly, teary-eyed women in the theater.

Country Strong - DVD (2010)

Gwyneth Paltrow plays one of the most famous country music stars in the world, Kelly Canter. But she's had a recent meltdown, falling offstage while drunk and pregnant, causing her to lose the baby. She went into a deep depression, ended up in rehab for months, and needs to stay there for quite awhile longer to recover.

Her husband James Canter, played by Tim McGraw, has other ideas. He is anxious to get her back onstage. Her very public drunken fall has ruined her reputation and ended one of their biggest shows of the tour, a date in Dallas, Texas. He's worried she's going to lose her fame and all her dreams because of one stupid mistake. The longer to story goes on, the more we get the impression that it wasn't just one incident. She's an alcoholic trainwreck. She gets drunk and takes pills and then she's out-of-control. While in rehab she has a 'sponsor', an aspiring country music singer who is convinced that he's in love with her. It quickly becomes clear that they've been sleeping together while she was in rehab. When her husband, James, pulls her out of rehab before she's ready so she can go back on the road, she insists that her boyfriend and country music singer, join the tour as the warm-up act. Her husband has already chosen another act, a girl named Chiles Stanton, to be the warm-up act. But Kelly refuses to give in, so they compromise and bring both no-names as their warm-up acts.

The complications that ensue, with everyone trying to keep Kelly away from alcohol and ready to perform, Kelly clearly having no desire to be onstage at all, and everyone at one time or another trying to sleep with everyone else, leads to a very complicated, yet believable story of big dreams and even bigger disappointments. It's a tragic tale, and far better than I had even expected. Gwyneth Paltrow rarely does a bad movie. This was no exception.

I give Country Strong a solid 4 1/2 stars. This film is impressive.

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