A. Age:
Old enough to know crazy when I see it and steer clear. Winning! Tiger blood!
B. Bed size:
Big enough for me and one other, but no damn animals
C. Chore you Hate:
Replacing the rear brakes on an old car with drums
Fixing the toilet
Chasing moles and voles around the yard
Shooting the armadillos
Fixing the roof
and so many more
D. Dogs:
Some days I'm the dog, some I'm the master, and sometimes I'm just picking up dog's poop while walking in the park using those little plastic baggy things. It's hard to get too high on yourself while picking up dog poop. And I can only just imagine what the dog is thinking. "WTF? I left that there on purpose. Now how are other dogs going to get my secret poo-encoded message? I guess I'll have to bark the message all night tonight while he's asleep and hope the other dogs can hear me."
E. Essential start to your day:
I can't remember mornings, let alone do them. I randomly awake at my desk, working, or on weekends, on the couch in front of the TV watching "Top Gear"
F. Favorite color:
White girls
G. Gold or silver:
Am I buying or selling? I prefer gold, but at nearly $1500 an ounce I haven't been indulging this habit much lately.
H. Height:
6 feet on the dot. I don't know what that is in centimeters and I don't give a damn. You can Google a converter if you're curious, but I'm too lazy to do it.
I. Instruments you play:
My penis.
I used to play piano, barely.
And then guitar. Then I put my guitar down, along with my artist's pencils, and didn't pick it up again for many years. Now I have a brand new Fender acoustic and I'm trying to relearn all the things I've long since forgotten.
J. Job title:
Doucheblogger
K. Kids:
No, I don't want any goats. We live in a neighborhood and the neighbors would frown on that.
L. Live:
I prefer recorded in a studio to live. Most live albums aren't very good. And you notice how many people bitched about the live performance of the Black Eyed Peas at the Superbowl this year? They bitched about the live performance of the Rolling Stones last year, too. But they also bitched when performers were caught lip syncing to prerecordings at previous Superbowls, so its like, what the hell do you people want, live and real or prerecorded and perfect? You can't have both!
M. Mum's name:
I call her Ma. I'm sure her Ma named her something else, but I don't use that name
N. Nicknames:
Cunt
Douchebag
Asshole
Stalker
Psycho-Steve
Memphis
Hey you, you have to pay for that!
O. Overnight hospital stays:
I can't remember. I've had surgeries on my knees, but I don't recall if I stayed overnight or not. I've been in the hospital with various injuries and such, but I never remember much by the time I get home. God bless morphine!
P. Pet peeve:
Blocking the passing lane without passing anyone. If you don't feel like actually driving, get over or get out and let someone else drive, bitch.
Q. Quote from a movie:
"Timmy, have you ever seen a grown man naked?"
"Oh, for goodness' sakes, get down off that crucifix. Someone needs the wood."
"These go to 11."
"There's no crying in baseball!"
"There are two types of people in this world: those who like Neil Diamond, and those who don't."
"It's not the years, honey. It's the mileage."
"Son, you got a panty on your head."
"You know when you hear girls say 'Ah man, I was so shit-faced last night, I shouldn't have fucked that guy?' We could be that mistake!"
R. Righty or Lefty:
All Righty then
S. Siblings:
Yes, I have those.
T. Time you wake up:
2, 4, 6 and sometime after 6 when I eventually crawl out of bed and begin getting ready for my awesome job.
U. Underwear:
Pretty much always, except when I'm naked.
V. Vegetables you dislike:
Vice President Joe Biden
Janet Napolitano
Hillary
Oprah
Tommy Smothers
Al "Chicken Little" Gore
Michael Moore
Katie Couric
Adam Sandler
Cabbage
W. What makes you run late:
When I can't find time to run in the daytime
X. X-rays you've had:
Yes, everything. I'm one giant glowing radioactive isodope.
Y. Yummy food you make:
I can serve up a mean bowl of ice cream from a carton
Z. Zoo animal favorite:
Tigerblood! Winning!
Play too if you want!
I'm on a drug called Charlie Sheen
Otherwise, play this awesome prerecorded studio song:
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