This Shit Ain't Funny

A man walks into a bar. He says, "Bartender, give me a drink." So the bartender gives him a drink. And that's the way it fucking should be. Word!

Everyone on PBS is gay. There, I said it.

I keep getting migraines in the same side of my head and I'm thinking I need the other side of my head to say "cut it the fuck out!"

Eenie meenie minie moe, catch a politically correct, sensitive, alternate lifestyle, african-american, grrl-power, bitch like its a bad thing, genderless construct by the toe.

I didn't get enough sleep last night and my dreams are funky. And by funky I mean, you don't want to know what I dreamed, but it may have involved one of you and it may have gotten messy.

Isn't it funny how when Bush was president the media compared him to a monkey, but if anyone compares Obama to a monkey they are labeled a racist? And a monkey-basher, too, 'cause he's uglier than most monkeys.

Does anyone really believe that God put men's testicles on the outside of their bodies because he had no choice? I mean, this is God we're talking about. I know they say in church that he's a loving God and all that, but I'm thinking he was really pissed off about something when he did that and he's just never gotten around to admitting he made a mistake. "Dudes, I'm sorry. I was just super angry that day and then I got busy and never got around to fixing that whole 'balls' thing."

If evolution and survival of the fittest were true, is it even conceivable that mammals would have survived at all? Again, I'm talking about the whole testicles on the outside of the body thing, 'cause no way in hell that is going to make it through any 'survival of the fittest' bullshit. Not a chance. Mammals should be extinct.

I get more timely news updates from Twitter than I do from any other source. Sad? Or the wave of the future?

I used to get annoyed at how freely people from other countries would try to tell Americans how we should be running this country (internet geniuses), but then I remembered that billionaires in New York City have been fucking with other countries, their elections and their laws, for years and years. And then I remember that I don't actually have any real say in how this country is run (McCain vs Obama? Seriously? We couldn't find better candidates?) so it doesn't make any difference to me if foreigners think we're idiots (Sarkozy and Merkel) because the real idiots making all the important decisions (George Soros) are fucking with us all, every single one of us, at the same time. We should probably find those people and do horrible unspeakable things to them.

Is MySpace the new mullet? I mean, any time you see some loser walking around wearing a mullet you immediately laugh and feel the urge to tell them the '80s are over. But isn't that the same reaction we have towards people who tell us that we can find them on MySpace and then give us their account name there? Dude, MySpace is over.

I remember seeing a show about how the Japanese had the world's most advanced earthquake resistant buildings. The show was all about how it worked and how cool it was. So now what can we do to make a building earthquake resistant and then ready to withstand a massive tidal wave that floods the entire city right after the quake? It's almost as if the buildings need to sit on top of giant exercise balls and be able to float, while still remaining upright. Maybe we just need to build a big space ship that perpetually hovers above the ground? But then hurricanes and tornadoes would crash them. Remember when I said I thought God was pissed off when he put testicles on the outside of men's bodies? I'm thinking he had this really epic bad day one time and was just so mad that he made all the bad shit at the same time - balls on the outside of our bodies, natural disasters, plagues, mosquitoes, reality TV - and then after that he was just like, "well, I'm not taking it back even if I'm not so angry anymore because Adam disobeyed me and let Eve lead him around by his dick when I specifically told him not to. Fuck it. They can just deal with it." OK, probably he didn't say that, but maybe it was something along those lines.

I recently had penis enlargement surgery. Now its three times bigger, but its shaped like a pretzel. Dammit!

I'm not ashamed of my antique rotary kitchen wall telephone. Sure its a pain dialing long distance, but my battery never runs low, bitches.

I just heard that Microsoft is killing the Zune. And video killed the radio star. Whatever happened to The Buggles?

I got a tank of gas today. It cost me $82. I am not feeling the "hope and change" at all. Just sayin'

Did you know the entire cast of "2 1/2 Men" (except Jake) was in the movie "Hot Shots?"

If Bill Gates controlled Heaven we'd all spend eternity staring at an hourglass.

Free advice from me to you: don't text when you have pee on your hands. You're welcome!

I'm not going to the gym today. I'm going home to sleep for lunch. I'm exhausted. I used to be able to go and go and even if I didn't have enough sleep, which I never did, I could keep going. Not anymore. Now I'm like, "something woke me up at 3 and then I took 30 minutes to go back to sleep. I need those 30 minutes back. I can't function for shit today."

This is my new favorite crime show!

You have read this article absolutely random crap / bustice / sara underwood with the title This Shit Ain't Funny. You can bookmark this page URL Thanks!
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...