Today in the News

Sexy Laure

Today in headline news, French Olympic swimmer Laure Manaudou has appeared in nude photos floating around the internet. So far no one is complaining, but the media has nothing better to do, so they ask if she should lose her endorsements over this. I'm thinking she'll gain endorsements, but maybe that's just me.

Naked Laure - Wrap it up, I'll take it

Young female Democrats are screaming for Hillary Clinton to give up and go home so Obama can win. This is ironic coming from the same party whose women supported Bill Clinton's refusal to resign and go home during his perjury impeachment.

Obama supporter

Scientists are in the news again promoting more use of wind energy, an encouraging sign to men like me who love to fart and laugh about it. This would transform us from low-class 'ruffians' to environmental 'progressives' virtually overnight. Pass me some caviar, Jeeves, I feel a good fart coming on. It's not for the cheap laughs. It's to save the earth.

MySpace, in an apparent attempt to beat back the challenge of Facebook, has begun implementing apps that users can download and play with. Facebook's popular Hotties app has been among the first to be copied. I myself was just bought by Laura the Artful Blogger over on MySpace. Meanwhile, over on Facebook, someone stole my hotties and now I have to go buy new ones. This is like electronic pimping, only legal, and I am your pimp-daddy.

Famous Aussie Swimmer

An Australian swimmer fought off a shark as it drug him underwater by utilizing skills he learned from years of watching old "3 Stooges" videos - he poked the shark in the eye. DOINK! "Thank God for Moe, Larry, and Curly," the limping Aussie said. "If not for them and their zany antics I might be dead by now."

Getting back to Barack and Hillary, USA Today is reporting that Hillary has struck a great and devastating blow against Obama by insisting that he can't win the general election simply because he's black. This would seem to imply that white Democrats are all racists and that Hillary is OK with that. Judging from The Party's long fascination with racism and projected insistance that everyone is a bigot, she might be right.

Democratic campaign poster

Meanwhile, the very white John McCain is practicing his dance moves and trying to learn to talk 'ghetto' in preparation for a difficult battle with the very black Mr. Obama. Obama, in the meantime, is practicing his golf game and trying to learn to talk even whiter than he already does. By the time this is all over, McCain may very well be blacker than Obama, if he isn't already.

S'up ma homies

Wild coyotes are attacking children in California. These coyotes, also known as 'Walt Disney talent scouts', are coming out of the woods in broad daylight and attempting to snatch children. Most of their targets have been little girls, as Disney has not had a clue how to entertain boys since the 1980s when Walt Disney died and his gay brother took charge. "Coyotes normally avoid contact with humans," said Yogi Bear, a wildlife specialist with the University of California. "But once they go to work for Disney they become drooling predators. They will snatch any child they find."

A New York lesbian who did everything in her power to appear to be a man, has won $35,000 from a New York restaurant who treated her exactly like a man and chased her out of the women's bathroom. This raises the question, who exactly was in the wrong here, the woman who deceived everyone into thinking she was a man, or the men who believed her deception and gave her 'equal' treatment? Ah, but the man always gets the blame, of course. Unless he's a she.

Chinese Olympic Event - falling building obstacle

12,000 people have died in a massive earthquake in China. President Hu Jintao of China, when asked about the disaster, simply said "eh, we got lots more where that came from."

Albert Einstein - aspiring surfer

A letter written by famed physicist Albert Einstein says that belief in God is a childish superstition and that the Jews are not God's chosen people. "No," he said, "it is the Australians. They are God's chosen people. Such hot babes they have there. And those beaches are fabulous. I wish I had been born an Australian myself. I might have been a great surfer. I certainly have the hair for it."

CBS's "60 Minutes" is planning to run a program demeaning men in their 30s who live at home with their parents. When asked if they planned a corresponding program demeaning women in their 30s who lived at home with their parents CBS responded, "no, of course, not. That would sexist."

Dewayne Chatt - death by Taser

West Memphis police were called about a man, Dewayne Chatt, who was loitering in a parking lot on Thursday, April 24th. Police arrived and pulled their Tasers, pointing them at Mr. Chatt. Mr. Chatt, apparently in fear for his life due to the guns pointed at him, put his hands up in front of him and began backing away. Police followed him through a store as he continued backing away from their guns. They shot him with their Tasers 3 times. Mr Chatt can be seen on security video being dragged face down from the store as limp as a ragdoll. He was pronounced dead at the jail when he was examined. Taser continues to insist that their torture devices, which they are alleged to have designed to target the groin, are no more harmful or dangerous than a big fluffy pillow despite all the dead people.

And now for something completely different ....

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