A Survey, dammit! - stolen from Christie

Who are you?
I am the god of hellfire!

Whats your Philosophy?
Eat me and I'll be your best friend

First thoughts in the morning...
Why in the hell would I dream something like THAT?!

Your current mood is...?
Sooooo tired

Where do you see yourself in 5 years...
In the top of the belltower at the University of Texas, rifle in hand ...



Life is a boardgame by Milton Bradley where you stick these plastic pins in a little car and spin a wheel to determine how far you move around the board. I always sucked at Life.

Love is a state of extreme affection which enables you to tolerate the insane crap they throw at you every 28 days when they go KUH-RAY-ZEE

Success is achieving the goals that you set for yourself, whatever they may have been. I wouldn't know anything about that.

Happiness is something that you have to choose for yourself. It's also the name of a girl I know whose parents were old hippies and named their kids weird crap like that. She's pretty hot though. We like to call her "Ha-PENIS" cause we're all so funny and shit.

Death is the end of the road. Unless you're Elvis, and then it's a conspiracy in which you hide for 30 years, working in a Quick-E-Mart selling slurpees and every now and then someone comes by and recognizes you cause you're wearing a white leather jumpsuit with sequins, mutton chops, shiny silver sunglasses and that funky hair.

Fear is what motivates you when nothing else will work. Sometimes it's what keeps you alive when your crazy fearless friends are hurling themselves to their doom.

What are your views on


As the former target of the doctor's skewer, I am not fond of it much. He missed, by the way, and here I am to thumb my nose at him and Mom.

Why poverty exists?
Some people are lazy, some are just unlucky, some are so disadvantaged that they can't make it out, and others are living in a place where no opportunity exists to climb out no matter what they do. Karl Marx was a moron, by the way.

The U.N-
Corrupt bureaucracy run by unelected, unaccountable incompetents who love a good dictatorship. See "Why poverty exists"

Wars- (by wars I mean wars in general)-
There will always be sociopaths who rise to power and insist on trying to tread on the rights and properties of others. These narcissistic bullies only respond to one thing - overwhelming force. They also tend to love using as much force as they can muster, so one way or another, whether we like it or not, there are going to be wars. Sociopaths don't respond to 'dialoging' and are usually very good at using it as a diversion while they continue preparing your doom.

An expression of supreme despair. Watch, I'll demonstrate ...

Your Faves...


Patricia Pearson, 'cause she's a smart-ass just like me and she replies to my emails and calls me Stee Squarepants. It's a long story ...

Phone book - that's where the hookers, er, I mean, escorts are.

Music Lyric-
How can you have any pudding if you won't eat yer meat?

Quote about life--
You can't live as if you're going to get a do-over.

Curse Word-

Tobacco Road ... Raising Arizona .... um ... Blues Brothers ... Animal House ... Run Lola Run

Movie quote-
Yer young, yew got yer health, whatcha want a job fer?

Final Random Thoughts.....

What would be the best job in the world?
Jessica Biel's personal sex therapist

And the worst job would be?
Queen Latifah's personal sex therapist

What is your biggest accomplishment to date?
I pooped a turd that was at least 3 feet long!

What do you wish to accomplish in the next 5 years?
I want to invade Australia and become its' king. But only because I love Australia, not because I want to shoot at Australians or anything.

If you die tomorrow...

Who will speak at your funeral?
Arthur the farting dog

What would you like your eulogy to say?
"5 minutes after he died, Kate Beckinsale called to say that she wanted to run away with him and be his love slave."

How would you hope to leave this world?
Shouting "Yes yes yes" to the three beautiful girls who were on top of me.

Would you tell anyone you were going to die?
Sure, I'd put it in a Hallmark card and send them out to everyone on my Christmas list. Ho ho ho, I'm about to go!

If you wrote a final letter to be read at your funeral what would it say...
"Well hell, THAT sure didn't work."

Upon arriving at the pearly gates..what would God say to you?
Did you bring your key? I seem to have lost mine.

And finally..Your famous last words?
I did not have sex with that woman, Monica Lewinsky ...

What does the word for "Dots" look like in braille?
It's some dots arranged in the shape of Timothy Leary's face.

What is a quick way to start a conversation?
Say 'hey, is this your wallet?'

And a quick way to end one??
Say, "Hey, I'd like to talk to you about global warming."

Last words?

OK, that was fun. Yay. Now I need to talk about something a bit more serious. I have to go out of town for awhile. I have no idea when or if I'll have access to the internet. Yes, this includes email. So I may not be able to check blogs or respond to anything you say or send to me. I don't want anyone to think I'm just ignoring them. And I don't want anyone to think I've just abandoned The Blog. This is for work and I can't help it. So if you don't see me posting anything for a week or so, or responding to comments, or leaving smart-assed and usually irrelevant comments on other people's blogs, it's because I can't. But I'll be back.

Don't cry. I shall return

By the way, on Tuesday, June 3rd, I'll be posting on Burt Reynold's Mustache, so come visit me there on Tuesday. I put my blog post in the queue in advance, so it should show up even if I can't access the 'net after this weekend.

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