Apparently, you cannot cut a branch off an oak tree with a pair of WalMart clippers. I did not know this and did it anyway. On my third branch I discovered why this might be a bad idea (hint: cheap Chinese crap).
Archaeologists will find this one day and note that we had tools
I am clearly a man of super strength. I managed to shatter that pair of WalMart garden clippers with my great and awesome mightiness. Fear my spectacular strength! Bow to my mighty manly muscles! I am wicked strong! I popped those metal shears into three pieces like a circus strong man. PooYA!
Oh Snap!
Leaving your wife's bow saw out in the backyard the afternoon before a big rain will get you into big trouble
if she ever finds out about it.
I'm a cold-blooded bastard. I stole my neighbors' oak tree. I didn't mean to though. I was out in the woods behind my house checking on my handiwork of the previous day in which I poisoned every damn tree-strangling vine and poison ivy plant I could find. While I was out there, muddling through the forest and dodging snakes, I saw a small oak tree, just about 3 feet tall. I had seen it before, but forgotten about it and perhaps most importantly, forgotten why I never dug it up and moved it. So, I got the shovel and spent a half hour digging that sucker up, being careful to get the big deep taproot that runs way down into the ground. Just as I was finally getting it free from it's rich, fertile home, I noticed that I was about a foot past the property marker between my yard and my neighbors' yard - dammit! Anyway, I planted that sucker in my front yard and filled in the hole where I'd treejacked it. But at some point I may have to go ask them if they're OK with that or if I actually have to give the tree back. I never in my wildest dreams imagined I might one day grow up to become a low-down, dirty tree thief. Momma would be so ashamed.
Dad would be proud, though. He was just always like that. I don't know why.
We hang tree thieves in these here parts
Beavis and Butthead have got nothing on me. I was making my lunch when I noticed the package of meat. It said "fresh smoked turkey breast - shaved". I started giggling. 'Smoked' - 'breast' - 'shaved', huh huh huh, it's all so "American Pie"/Shannon Elizabeth-like. "Be gentle."
Smoked - Breast - Shaved
I discovered an important lesson relating to my awesome Snapper riding mower. Apparently, if a big metal bar falls off of the mower while you're riding it, even though it doesn't seem to affect anything, you might later suddenly find yourself unable to shift into any forward gears. It would be at this point that having the owner's manual with a large diagram showing where all the parts go would come in handy. It's a rare vehicle manufactured these days that comes with any spare and unneeded parts on it. If it was attached at some point, chances are you're going to need it later.
Snapper - some occasional reassembly required
Last night on CBS, I totally skipped "Criminal Minds" because I just wasn't in the mood for more white-male bashing. I love AJ Cook and Paget Brewster, although I'm not thrilled with Paget's new haircut, but I just wasn't in the mood otherwise. I did catch "CSI: NY" afterwards, totally by accident. Guess what? The killer wasn't a white male! No, it was a white female. The VICTIM was a white male. Of course, he had to be a big asshole so we could all feel sorry for the female killer. But even so, this was a huge step forward for CBS. I know it must have been difficult. Who knows? This might even lead to a day when white males on "Wheel of Fortune" don't hit BANKRUPT on every other spin and actually get to play like everybody else. It could happen!
What? You didn't know it was rigged?
Paget's new haircut went unnoticed for weeks
Clay Aiken is in the news. He got a new gay haircut. He says he's not trying to be Justin Timberlake, which is an odd thing to say seeing as no one thinks he looks anything like Justin. Ellen Degeneres maybe, but not Justin.
Clay - not trying to be Justin - or Justin's sister
And now for something completely different ...
Hey, isn't that Kylie and Steph in the center there? ROWR!
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my butt itches /
shaved /
snapper
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