Obama says "Lay off my biatch"
Barack Obama, falling in the polls since it was revealed that he's a member of the Black Ku Klux Klan, has resorted to a desperate tactic in an effort to create a diversion from his crazy racist friends. Obama has resorted to throwing himself in front of his America-hating, communist traitor of a wife and pretending to be defending her from evil Republican woman-haters. He's so skinny and floppy, though, much like a ragdoll, that it's more comical than anything else. Michelle Obama is actually bigger and significantly stronger than he is. Everyone knows you don't ever want to fight with a mad black woman. But a mad, skinny, black politician? No one fears Urkel.
Barack Obama - gonna fuck you up!
Dwyane Wade bought his momma the entire Catholic Church, Pope and all. "Bitch is goin' ta Heaven even if'n I have ta buy the whole goddamn thing!" Mr Wade was quoted as saying. The Catholic Church declined to comment.
Supremes Uphold part of Child Porn law
The Supreme Court has ruled that leading someone to believe that you might possibly have some child pornography, or you might just have a photo of your newborn baby on a bearskin rug, is a federal offense. You will be arrested, labeled a pedophile, forced to wear a scarlet letter "P" for the rest of your life, and dragged around on a chain in parades like a trained monkey every year until you die so politicians can brag that they're "tough on crime". Meanwhile, Tasering unarmed men and boys in the genitals remains legal and commonly practiced in all 50 states because everyone knows THAT's a victimless crime.
Federal Child Pornography Task Force
68 percent of intoxicated, drag-racing, teenaged drivers aren't wearing their seatbelts when they crash into telephone poles and die, a completely-missing-the-point federal task force found. Since the government ordered everyone to wear seatbelts and instructed police to spend all of their time and energy Tasering the groins of any male found to be driving without a seatbelt, seatbelt usage among young drivers has dropped to its' lowest level since the 1970s, proving that no problem is so bad that government mandates and intervention can't make it even worse.
A future Massachusetts senator and his 10-year-old companion, decided to go for a ride in Dad's pickup after stealing all of Dad's alcohol and drinking it. Neither child was wearing a seatbelt, leading authorities to arrest and prosecute the father for providing alcohol to minors, stealing his own truck, driving recklessly, and failing to wear a seatbelt. The father, who was not present when the incident occurred, protested "I'm the victim here, but all I hear from them is how I'm some kind of criminal because my son, whom I don't even have custody of, is an out-of-control little shit. How is this justice?"
Japan names Hello Kitty tourism ambassador
Japan, in order to secure its' place in the halls of history's all-time gayest societies, has named the cartoon character Hello Kitty as the official ambassador of tourism for Japan.
Hello Kitty and prostitutes - Japan's 2 biggest money makers
A government warning of major aftershocks sent thousands of panicked survivors running into the darkened streets Monday night. A Chinese official, Sum Ting Wong, was quoted as saying, "while we deal with massive natural disasters and death, the Japanese are naming a fucking cartoon cat as their ambassador. What a bunch of silly little girls they are! Soon we will invade and kill all their men while we make their women be our sex slaves."
DC Federal Court says money discriminates against blind people
In a typical fit of PC madness, the Federal Court of Washington DC, ever a hotbed of idiocy and expensive New Jersey call girls, has ruled that money discriminates against blind people because they can't see it. Whether Mr. Money is going to be sent to prison or forced to pay a fine is as yet undetermined. If a fine is levied, how the fine is to be paid is also unknown, as money is now illegal in Washington DC by virtue of being declared a paragon of evil discrimination. All transactions in the District of Columbia are henceforth to be paid for with sexual favors until the Federal Court Jesters can determine how to properly deal with the offending American dollar.
Paid in full
R Kelly Child Pornography case begins
A prosecutor in the child pornography trial of R Kelly warned jurors Tuesday they would have to watch a videotape depicting an "underage child performing sex acts that you have never seen before." Jurors became noticeably enthusiastic. Kelly, 41, is accused of videotaping himself having sex with an underage girl who prosecutors maintain was as young as 13 when the tape was made between Jan. 1, 1998, and Nov. 1, 2000. Mr. Kelly insists that he isn't even the man seen on the tape. Further complicating the trial is the inconvenient fact that the alleged 13-year-old girl, now 23-years-old, is also testifying that she isn't the girl on the tape either. Thus, prosecutors can't prove who the man or the woman is, but they are proceeding with the trial anyway because there is an election coming up and they like to insist that they are "tough on crime."
Jury duty - it's not just a job, it's an adventure!
California Supreme Court voids Traditional Marriage
The California Supreme Court ruled that voters don't decide laws in a representative government - unelected judges do. Voters in all 50 states overwhelmingly rejected the attempt to redefine marriage to mean whatever politicians wish for it to mean at the time that they are making a speech to a powerful lobby group or trying to lure young assistants into having sex with them with false promises of commitment. Politicians of both political parties were quite understandably upset by the voters' rejection as it was seriously cramping their sex lives. So it was not surprising that wealthy political 'players' were overjoyed in California when 4 of the 7 State Supremes said "fuck it, let's screw the voters one more time and further weaken the marriage contract. What can they do to us anyway?" Gay/feminist political lobby groups hailed the ruling as proof that they have more money and thus more power than anyone else in the entire country. "We bought and paid for this shit," gay feminist Bree Steinbaum gloated, "We got a fucking receipt. They practically bagged it and carried it to our cars for us. Kiss our rich, powerful asses all you fucking breeders!"
Fuck democracy - we win, you lose!
In 2006, conservative Republican voters attempted to send a message to their party that said something along the lines of "when the fuck are you assholes going to do what we elected you to do and stop fucking us over?" According to many conservative and independent think tanks, the recent failed campaigns of 3 Republican candidates in special elections indicates that they have not gotten the message. Republicans lost all 3 elections in states where they have sizable majorities, indicating a lack of conservative voter turnout. William McGee, a white male voter who didn't lift a finger to help the Republican candidate in the recent Mississippi election summed up his feelings by saying, "Nixon enacted Johnson's affirmative action, which Johnson himself was never going to do. Reagan created the non-custodial father slave trade in the so-called family courts. The Republican Congress passed the unconstitutional Violence Against Women Act, giving $10 billion to anti-male hate groups that make the Klan look like boy scouts. Then that same Republican Congress passed the Women's Health Act, which mandates that all federal funding be designated for female-only medical research, completely defunding any and all medical research that simply includes males, let alone is specifically for males. And ten years later, there are female-only hospitals and medical firms on every corner, while my father just died of prostate cancer which has virtually no funding of any kind. Fuck this. Fuck them. Fuck the fucking Republican party."
Republican voters - not happy
Senator Edward "Teddy" Kennedy, best known for his role in drowning Mary Jo Kopechne along with his car, has been diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor. The Senator began having seizures this past weekend, although no one in the U.S. Senate noticed because, as one Senator who wished to remain anonymous said, "his behavior was no more wacky than usual what with his tendency to make drunken, slurred speeches about assault rifles that turn out to be nothing more then .22s and BB guns and that sort of thing." The news that the tumor is malignant sent chills throughout both political parties as Senator Kennedy has been known as one of America's goofiest members of Congress for so long that the thought of his not being there is difficult to imagine. Malignant gliomas are a type of brain cancer diagnosed in about 9,000 Americans a year. Average survival can range from less than a year for very advanced and aggressive types to about five years for types that are slower growing. There is nothing funny about a malignant brain tumor, even when it happens to a crooked politician.
Senator Kennedy - terminal?
And now for something completely different ....
Oooh, Madonna!
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