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"I just, I don't understand." - Ross to Rachel when she told him she was pregnant and he was the father.
I don't understand.
I don't understand men who think women who are into both men and women are extra hot. What kind of idiot wants this? Is there so little competition from other men for the hot chicks that these morons want even more competition from other hot chicks and the occassional bulldyke lesbian? Who wants this kind of problem? Clearly these are guys who have no fathers to smack them upside the head whenever they think they've learned something wise from Mtv. Dude, it's bullshit. You're going to be the one who gets left out. You're going to be the one paying child support and alimony while she goes off with her hot girlfriend and your Harley and leaves you cryin'. And even if she does decide to go back to men, she'll have lost so much respect for you that she'll still dump you while she goes looking for a man who is man enough not to put up with that shit.
I don't understand why vegetarians feel compelled to yell at those of us who eat meat about how cruel it is. People on no-carb diets sometimes do this preaching, too. I think the lack of protein or carbs must make them crazy. People who drive Priuses also seem to feel the need to evangelize and wave their Al Gore novels around like some new Bible while screaming about global warming and shit. What's the deal with these wanna-be missionaries? Can't they find a church to go preach at? Why do they need to harass us in the office or during lunch hour? Did I ask you what you think of my lunch? I do believe I did not. Shut it, biatch.
I don't understand why squirrels are so attracted to my tires. I try and I try to avoid them, but the fuckers just run straight under my tires and get flattened for reasons that I cannot comprehend. The most recent one, I swore I had dodged, but My Wife was driving behind me and said the bastard ran right to my tire and then stopped and froze like a deer in the headlights. Maybe my shiny wheels act as a sort of hypnotist's coin or something? Maybe they have some sort of holy war declared on Michelin? I just don't know.
I don't understand idiot billionaires who wag their fingers and preach to the working man how we need to pay higher taxes. Dude, you make more in a single day than the rest of us make all year. Shut the fuck up before we light torches and storm your damn castle.
I don't understand why ideological feminists still act shocked whenever a man says he does not like feminism. What's hard to understand about this? If a Jew said he didn't like Nazis, would this be confusing, too? And they always try to spin it to the most exreme and ridiculous position to justify their arguments, claiming that to oppose female supremacy is to be anti-woman, as if everyone who believes in simple equality rather than the blatant misandry that is feminism is somehow against all women. Here's a thought, people who believe in equal rights, and not just equal rights "for women", are not called feminists. They're called egalitarians. People who prefer female supremacy and extreme misandry to egalitarianism are not 'pro-woman', they're pro-narcissism and anti-male. In case this doesn't register, encouraging women to be selfish and narcissistic is not pro-woman. It is introducing a destructive philosophy into their lives that will leave them lonely, miserable, and bitter without any idea why. It's pro-self-destruction. It's why Paris Hilton sleeps with a dog most nights instead of a man.
I don't understand why people who can't handle an SUV no matter how hard they try still insist on driving them. I've seen tiny old people in the biggest SUVs money can buy not being able to even handle a basic drive-through line because they had no idea how big their truck was. They drove it like it was a big 26 foot long moving van and might fly out of control at any moment if they didn't continuously ride the brakes, sending it lurching and leaping everywhere they went. If you can't handle it, get something smaller. How hard is this? And how much less stressful would it be for all concerned?
I don't understand why a man who has enough money to buy a nice BMW would instead buy a red Porsche with a manual transmission when he can't drive a manual transmission. Yes, I know you're in the middle of a mid-life crisis, but you're already doing at least 2 of your female team-leads, plus trying to get my former coworker to do you, which by the way ain't happenin'. And even so, you aren't satisfied. Sure, you can pick up more 20-year-olds with a red Porsche, but you can also either find one with an automatic or maybe just pay someone to teach you how to work a clutch. Good God.
I don't understand why so many upper-middle-class white women are voting for Obama while their male counterparts are voting for Hillary. Granted, I'm not planning on voting for either one, but despite my position outside of these two camps, I find this curious.
I don't understand why my brand new neighbor would hire the same real estate woman to sell his house that sold the house we just bought. Hey man, did you not notice that she took a full year to move that house? Did you not notice that she was never around and made no effort to move it? Do you not wonder about the empty box on the For Sale sign that is supposed to have fliers in it, but still has none after 2 weeks? Yeah, that's how she rolls. She's already forgotten about your house. She'll give that fucker away if you let her. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about. How do you like my nice new house?
I don't understand brothers who put $3000 worth of rims and tires on their $1500 Chevy Caprice and then cruise with the windows down 'cause the air conditioning doesn't work. Do these fools ever truly get laid? Who is dumb enough to sleep with a fool like that? They must have weed.
I don't understand the current crisis in finding a Presidential candidate for the Republican Party. I remember My Dad trying to explain to me how the current party system inevitably results in the most idiotic and corrupt twats being in charge of choosing who gets to run for top offices, but wouldn't you think that if the whole country can look at them and say "man, you haven't got a single real man in the bunch, why don't you go out and get one?" that they might eventually pick up on this fact? Is politics like acting, where the biggest flakes and fruitcakes are drawn to it like flies to shit, but real men stay away? No offense meant to Brad Pitt and Bruce Willis, but most actor men are big homos and most of the men in Congress are, too. Actually, that's more true of the Democrats than the Republicans, but not enough to really matter much. The Republicans are just more closeted, whereas the Democrats have come out into the open and thrown on their prettiest dresses while their women wear men's suits and strap-ons and shave their heads. Seriously, where are our future leaders going to come from? We are so screwed.
I don't understand this current fashion of putting men and boys in bright pink polo shirts. Wait, yes I do. Ew!
I don't understand why we don't just legalize prostitution and tax it. Warren "fuckhead" Buffet says Americans don't pay enough in taxes and need to pay more in order to fund his dead wife's pet feminist social programs. I say we could easily collect all the money for that from taxing prostitution. True, the feminazis will be upset that men are actually getting to have sex without being arrested for it, but once they realize that all that money is going to fund their Federal War On Males anyway, they'll get over it real quick. Narcissists are funny like that. Money is better than morphine and ideals go out the window. While we're at it, seeing as just over half the members of Congress are regular pot smokers, why don't we just legalize that, too? I know this is a weak argument, but what the hell? We have so much else to worry over that arresting Lindsay Lohan for possession of pot just seems rather pointless.
I don't understand why we don't nuke Iran and then say, "oops, that was an accident" like Clinton did to the Chinese embassy after they embarassed him by revealing that he had sold them all our top military secrets. One thing I'll say about Bill, he had the balls to fire missiles at the Chinese when he felt the need. That's gotta be worth something. Seriously, that took balls. And a lot of inhaling beforehand. Oh come on, you know he was stoned.
I don't understand why the head guy is leaving "Criminal Minds." The show is a hit and he hasn't had anything so good since playing the Spanish sword fighter in "The Princess Bride" 20 years ago. What could possibly have led him to quit?
I don't understand why a warm toilet seat is so comforting to us all. It just means that someone else's ass was just there a minute ago and now you're getting their ass-germs all up in there.
I don't understand the cult-like fascination with Starbucks. It's just really, really expensive coffee. Seriously. And it's making you fat.
I don't understand why my new gym has started filling up during lunch hour at the hottest part of summer. People, it's over 100 degrees outside and not exactly cool and comfy in the gym, so why pick now to come in here and sweat all over the equipment that I want to use? Go back to being lazy and leave this madness to me.
I don't understand why there is a sudden flood of dead animals on the roadsides in these past 2 weeks. All of a sudden, from out of nowhere, we have dead skunks and armidillos and raccoons and possums everywhere. For 3 days a dead deer has been lying beside the road, looking perfectly fine other than being dead. It looks like Bambi's mother. I'm always tempted to pull over and take some goofy photo. You know, like with beer bottles and a cigarette and all that? Yeah, if I weren't heading to work I'd be the guy on the side of the road putting props in dead animals paws and taking their pictures. Seriously. You don't know how badly I want to do this.
I don't understand why Malfoy didn't kill Harry Potter in "The Half Blood Prince" when he had him frozen and just lying there.
I don't understand why anyone listens to Oprah about anything. Good intentions don't change the fact that she's wrong most of the time.
I don't understand why I poop more than everyone else, but speaking of that, I need to.
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