Have you ever let a big curse word slip out in church? I mean like, you're sitting in Sunday School and you drop your Bible or something and before you can catch yourself you say, "fuck!"
Whatever happened to all those meme things everybody used to do? I used to get tagged with those all the time and then I'd tag everyone else ... and then ... they quit reading my blog ... wait a minute.
If two wrongs don't make a right, then what is affirmative action doing?
Why is it considered socially unacceptable to fart? Do you know what I mean? Women will sneak out tiny little poofs and hope no one notices, but of course the smell is there all the same. So if it isn't the smell that's the problem, then what is? The sound is just downright funny. If I were more creative I would replace my horn on my truck with a recording of a loud fart. That would make me laugh all the time. But then I'd go around honking at everyone and eventually someone would drag me from my vehicle and kill me.
There is a girl here in the office that I swear is looking at me out of the corner of her eye whenever she passes. She's hot, too. Why do I always find it so hard to believe that a hot girl is actually looking my way? I must have a booger on my face or something. Why is she looking at me?
I finally got the exhaust on my truck fixed. I had to drive 20 miles out into Timbuktu in order to find an exhaust place. The alternative was to drive 30 miles deep into the heart of Memphis or 25 miles down into Mississippi. I wasn't keen on either of those choices. Anyway, my truck no longer sounds like an endlessly rolling fart machine. Hey wait, I was just saying how I think farts are funny. Dammit!
The animals out here in The Boondocks are plotting against me. Already I've killed 3 raccoons and a possum. They've apparently called in their cavalry units as I've nearly hit at least one deer 3 different times in the past week. One time, I nearly hit 2 at a time, but luckily they split up and ran in opposite directions just as I was skidding upon them. I think my flatulent exhaust scared them off. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten that fixed?
In case you're wondering how this whole city naming thing works, I'll explain. I'm in Memphis, but technically I've moved out of Memphis. I was originally living on Germantown Extended Road, which was inside Shelby County and in the city of Memphis' expansion area. It was nice because I was in Memphis, but not 'in' Memphis enough to have to submit to vehicle inspections. That sort of thing is important to a man who owns 2 very old cars, you know? Anyway, I moved from there to a big, expensive apartment complex situated on the edge of Southwind country club's golf course. We could watch Tiger Woods and the rest of the pros play a tournament there once a year, which was great if you're into golf, but annoying as hell if you were just trying to get into the parking lot to go home. The apartment complex put us just on the edge of the town of Snootyville, where everyone is either rich or trying desperately to appear rich. From there, we moved east of Snootyville into Redneckville, where everyone had a sticker somewhere on their trucks that said "Redneck" and frequently displayed the Confederate flag. Hence the name "Redneckville." Redneck is a label of pride to the native people there. We have since been in the process of moving east of Redneckville into The Boondocks. Continuing east of The Boondocks we have Timbuktu, which is where I had to go to get my farty exhaust fixed. Timbuktu comprises all the cities east of The Boondocks that I can drive to without feeling like I've had to drive too ridiculously far. And everything east of Timbuktu is Kingdom Come. After Kingdom Come you begin to approach other major cities, which have more recognizable names, such as Jackson and Nashville. Anyway, just thought you might want to know this for some reason.
There is a woman in my Sunday School class who is so beautiful that if she were to ever get bored with her life, she could easily just up and move to LA or NY and get herself cast on any soap opera, or perhaps simply take up modeling and find herself on the cover of Sports Illustrated in a bikini. Seriously, she has one of those beautiful faces that, when she looks into your eyes and begins to speak, you have to concentrate very hard just to remember to keep breathing. She's amazing. Anyway, she asked me about my tests with the heart doctor a few weeks ago. I blogged about that, I believe. I told her he seemed really odd and I didn't trust him. Turns out, she's a nurse in cardiology and knows all the Memphis cardiologists. She asked me his name and when I told her she pressed her lips together tightly, so as to prevent herself from speaking. And then she said, "you have good instincts. Let me recommend someone else for you."
It's so hot and rain-free here that everyone's trees are dying. I think I'm going to have to move my sprinklers from the lawn over to the trees just to keep them alive. We just got these trees. They came with the new house. They're huge and beautiful (not as beautiful as the woman I just described above, but still nice to look at) and we'd like to keep them around. Even so, how weird is it to have to water the trees?
My Wife just realized that the raise she was promised one year ago was never fully added to her paycheck. She is SO PISSED. She works her ass off and they already don't pay her as much as they should, so now, to discover that they didn't even deliver the full raise she was promised has her going through the roof.
The Queen of Dallas is in town. I'm going to see her tomorrow night. She's brought me Texas beer. I like it when people bring me Texas beer. I should do more to encourage this. Instead of tagging people with meme's and such, I should tag people to bring me Texas beer.
Is it weird that when my Sunday School asked if there were any prayer requests, I made one for someone I only know through The Blog? Well, I did anyway.
A muscle in my thigh is twitching and won't stop. I haven't done heavy squats at the gym in a month. I wonder if it's just pissed off about that and letting me know?
The other day, during my lunch hour, I saw a woman broken down on the side of the highway. It was 105 out, with a heat index of 110. I turned around and went back to check on her. I stopped and asked if she was OK and needed help. She said, "my car just died for no reason. Someone is coming to help me, though. Thanks for stopping." I drove on and then began to think, would I have stopped if that were a man? I'll bet I wouldn't have. All my talk about egalitarianism and all that, and even I stop for women on the side of the road, but almost never for a man. What's up with that? I broke down in Corinth, Mississippi one time and a guy stopped and helped me push my car out of the middle of the road. I got a flat moving my old Monte Carlo out to the new house in The Boondocks and a black guy stopped to offer me a wheel and tire. Clearly there are other guys out there who stop for whomever needs help. I should probably try harder to remember that.
"Don't bother, Honey.
Memphis Steve just drove by.
He'll save me."
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