Dad has gone away

Similar to my dad's

My dad died several years ago, about five, I believe. It was strange when he died, because it was totally unexpected. But making it even worse was the fact that they had him cremated. There was no viewing and the funeral felt more like a party for Dad that he just failed to show up to. There was no burial. It was odd.

For five years following his death I have had dreams about him. In each dream he grew younger and younger, until he appeared to be the age that I am now.

When he died my mother wasn't sure what to do with his things. She hated his car, a banana yellow hearse, and she didn't know anything about selling cars. So it fell to me to take his car and do something with it. I was supposed to just get rid of it, but it was my dad's so I kept it and fixed it up. I spent $1000 fixing various things in a short amount of time. Dad only paid $750 for the thing at a garage sale and used it like a truck. I think it was nicer after I fixed it up than it had ever been while he drove it.

I have been living in Memphis hell since 1995, and not happy about it. Five years ago I had a chance to escape and move back to my hometown to work. I was there for four years, before forces I won't go into persuaded me to return to Memphis despite the misery this town fills me with. To reward myself for returning here, or more realistically, to make it more  bearable, I bought a $50,000 musclecar to drive to and from my highly stressful job in the heart of the city. Buying this car meant my driveway was now overflowing with vehicles. Something had to go.

I reluctantly sold my father's bananawagon, apparently asking far too little money for it, as it sold within 24 hours of taking out the ad. I hated to let go of it. I truly did not want to. But there was no justification for keeping it. I wasn't using it. I wasn't planning on using it. I couldn't think of a good reason for not selling it.

Except that it was my dad's and it reminded me of him. I guess I felt like taking care of his car was in some way taking care of something important to him.

Since selling my father's car I have not had a single dream about my dad. I can't remember a one. I know he didn't leave with the car. He was already gone. But somehow all of my dreams about my father went away with that car. I can't explain it.

I suppose its possible that every time I came home and saw the car it reminded me of him. But then that wouldn't explain all the dreams I had about him while I was in my hometown working. The car wasn't there. Perhaps other things reminded me?

My nephew still dreams about him. He doesn't have my dad's car. I don't know if he has anything of my dad's to remind him. But he has had as many dreams about my father as I have. So how to explain the sudden loss of dreams for me then?

My mom had a bad fall recently. The way it was described to me it really didn't sound like a big deal. I thought she'd be fine in no time. But it's been weeks and she's still not fine. I had meant to go home to see her for Easter, but I had to make a trip to Nashville that same week and by the time I got home on Friday I was too exhausted to go back out on the road again. I keep meaning to call her. But I keep forgetting.

Lately, I find myself worrying that the day after I intend to call her and forget, I'll get a call that she's been rushed to the hospital and died. And I won't ever get a chance to talk to her again.

I don't know why this is on my mind. I find myself thinking about it a lot lately.

Customized version of my dad's

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