A Survey, dammit! - stolen from Christie

Who are you?
I am the god of hellfire!

Whats your Philosophy?
Eat me and I'll be your best friend

First thoughts in the morning...
Why in the hell would I dream something like THAT?!

Your current mood is...?
Sooooo tired

Where do you see yourself in 5 years...
In the top of the belltower at the University of Texas, rifle in hand ...

Define....

Life-
Life is a boardgame by Milton Bradley where you stick these plastic pins in a little car and spin a wheel to determine how far you move around the board. I always sucked at Life.

Love-
Love is a state of extreme affection which enables you to tolerate the insane crap they throw at you every 28 days when they go KUH-RAY-ZEE

Success-
Success is achieving the goals that you set for yourself, whatever they may have been. I wouldn't know anything about that.

Happiness-
Happiness is something that you have to choose for yourself. It's also the name of a girl I know whose parents were old hippies and named their kids weird crap like that. She's pretty hot though. We like to call her "Ha-PENIS" cause we're all so funny and shit.

Death-
Death is the end of the road. Unless you're Elvis, and then it's a conspiracy in which you hide for 30 years, working in a Quick-E-Mart selling slurpees and every now and then someone comes by and recognizes you cause you're wearing a white leather jumpsuit with sequins, mutton chops, shiny silver sunglasses and that funky hair.

Fear-
Fear is what motivates you when nothing else will work. Sometimes it's what keeps you alive when your crazy fearless friends are hurling themselves to their doom.

What are your views on

Abortion
As the former target of the doctor's skewer, I am not fond of it much. He missed, by the way, and here I am to thumb my nose at him and Mom.

Why poverty exists?
Some people are lazy, some are just unlucky, some are so disadvantaged that they can't make it out, and others are living in a place where no opportunity exists to climb out no matter what they do. Karl Marx was a moron, by the way.

The U.N-
Corrupt bureaucracy run by unelected, unaccountable incompetents who love a good dictatorship. See "Why poverty exists"

Wars- (by wars I mean wars in general)-
There will always be sociopaths who rise to power and insist on trying to tread on the rights and properties of others. These narcissistic bullies only respond to one thing - overwhelming force. They also tend to love using as much force as they can muster, so one way or another, whether we like it or not, there are going to be wars. Sociopaths don't respond to 'dialoging' and are usually very good at using it as a diversion while they continue preparing your doom.

Suicide-
An expression of supreme despair. Watch, I'll demonstrate ...

Your Faves...

Author-
Patricia Pearson, 'cause she's a smart-ass just like me and she replies to my emails and calls me Stee Squarepants. It's a long story ...

Book-
Phone book - that's where the hookers, er, I mean, escorts are.

Music Lyric-
How can you have any pudding if you won't eat yer meat?

Quote about life--
You can't live as if you're going to get a do-over.

Curse Word-
Fartknocker

Movie-
Tobacco Road ... Raising Arizona .... um ... Blues Brothers ... Animal House ... Run Lola Run

Movie quote-
Yer young, yew got yer health, whatcha want a job fer?

Final Random Thoughts.....

What would be the best job in the world?
Jessica Biel's personal sex therapist

And the worst job would be?
Queen Latifah's personal sex therapist

What is your biggest accomplishment to date?
I pooped a turd that was at least 3 feet long!

What do you wish to accomplish in the next 5 years?
I want to invade Australia and become its' king. But only because I love Australia, not because I want to shoot at Australians or anything.

If you die tomorrow...

Who will speak at your funeral?
Arthur the farting dog

What would you like your eulogy to say?
"5 minutes after he died, Kate Beckinsale called to say that she wanted to run away with him and be his love slave."

How would you hope to leave this world?
Shouting "Yes yes yes" to the three beautiful girls who were on top of me.

Would you tell anyone you were going to die?
Sure, I'd put it in a Hallmark card and send them out to everyone on my Christmas list. Ho ho ho, I'm about to go!

If you wrote a final letter to be read at your funeral what would it say...
"Well hell, THAT sure didn't work."

Upon arriving at the pearly gates..what would God say to you?
Did you bring your key? I seem to have lost mine.

And finally..Your famous last words?
I did not have sex with that woman, Monica Lewinsky ...

What does the word for "Dots" look like in braille?
It's some dots arranged in the shape of Timothy Leary's face.

What is a quick way to start a conversation?
Say 'hey, is this your wallet?'

And a quick way to end one??
Say, "Hey, I'd like to talk to you about global warming."

Last words?
Pooya!


OK, that was fun. Yay. Now I need to talk about something a bit more serious. I have to go out of town for awhile. I have no idea when or if I'll have access to the internet. Yes, this includes email. So I may not be able to check blogs or respond to anything you say or send to me. I don't want anyone to think I'm just ignoring them. And I don't want anyone to think I've just abandoned The Blog. This is for work and I can't help it. So if you don't see me posting anything for a week or so, or responding to comments, or leaving smart-assed and usually irrelevant comments on other people's blogs, it's because I can't. But I'll be back.


Don't cry. I shall return

By the way, on Tuesday, June 3rd, I'll be posting on Burt Reynold's Mustache, so come visit me there on Tuesday. I put my blog post in the queue in advance, so it should show up even if I can't access the 'net after this weekend.

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Things to Think About - The Media, The Courts, and Karma

Our News Media At Work

According to The News Media, the 75 percent of Americans who support the traditional definition of marriage are not "traditional marriage supporters". No, not at all. According to our illustrious Press, anyone who supports the traditional definition of marriage is a "gay marriage rights opponent".

Also according to this same Press, anyone opposing the redefinition of marriage is an opponent of 'equal rights'. The problem with this accusation, and it is an accusation, is that under current law every American has the same exact rights regarding marriage. Each American has a legal right to marry one member of the opposite sex at a time. No American has a legal right to marry one member of the same sex, multiple members of any sex, an animal, or anything other than one member of the opposite sex.

The Press argues, "but gays don't have the same rights because they can't marry the one they love." The fact is, the law doesn't give anyone a right to marry the one they love. If it did, I could sue Jessica Biel in court and demand that she be legally required to marry me because I am deeply in love with her fine, fine ass. But as I myself do not have a legal right to marry 'the one I love', I cannot compel Jessica to marry me. And neither can any of you. That's what 'equal rights' means.


According to The News Media, anyone who supports Abortion is not 'pro abortion'. No, that would make too much sense. According to the grrlz of our news media*, abortion supporters are 'pro choice'. That sounds so much better. It's so much more marketable. It wins over people who have no clue what any of this is about. It doesn't even mention abortion.

Obviously, according to this same News Media, anyone supporting life and opposing abortion is never 'pro life' or 'pro child'. In fact, they're not 'pro' anything. Hell no. They are 'anti-choice'. That sounds so evil and hateful and mean. You could sell gloves to an armless woman with marketing like this. And, some say, that's the whole point.


According to The News Media, anyone supporting the 2nd Amendent to the U.S. Constitution which guarantees the right of the people to keep and bare arms is not 'pro 2nd Amendment' or even 'pro gun rights'. No, they are 'gun nuts'.

Not surprisingly, according to these same Media professionals, anyone opposing the 2nd Amendment and the right of the people to keep and bare arms is not 'anti 2nd Amendment', 'anti gun rights', and certainly not 'anti choice'. Oh hell no, they're supporters of 'responsible gun laws'. But just try applying any of their 'responsible gun laws' to abortion and watch their reaction.

"A waiting period? What? Women will use coat hangers and die!"


According to The News Media, the Democratic Party, which is America's Socialist Party, is the 'progressive' party. Their ideas, even when outdated or just plain backwards, can never be wrong. Anyone who disagrees with the Democratic party about anything is not 'Independent', 'Libertarian', 'free thinking' or anything like that. No, they are 'regressive', as in backwards, ignorant, and unintelligent.


According to The News Media, the Republican Party, which is America's most useless, do-nothing party, is evil and bad and entirely owned by Big Corporations. The fact that American Corporations donate to the Democratic party over the Republian Party by a ratio of over 2 to 1 never enters into this argument. The reason is because most people in The News Media don't understand math. Or economics. Or how a representative government works. But one thing they do understand, and understand well, is the power of words to label people and their views in order to distort the truth and alter perceptions.


*grrlz of the News Media - I'm including the men of the media in this expression. I think that's fair. It's also very feminist and 'progressive' of me. They should congratulate me.

---

Dwight Pannell

Dwight Pannell, of Columbus, Ohio, has been charged with voyeurism, assault and criminal trespass. His bail has been set at $75,000.

Is he a rapist? Did he try to shoot his wife in the back with a shotgun as she slept Mary Winkler style? Did he molest a child? Did he break into a home and attack someone?

No, he sprayed a woman's shoe with water in the library.

What?! Noooooo! That sick vicious bastard!

Pannell's attorney argued that the alleged actions don't warrant the charges against him.

Apparently the courts in Columbus, Ohio, have absolutely nothing better to do because they're going forward with the case.

---

Sharon Stone's bad karma

Sharon Stone is preparing for a starring role on "My Name Is Earl". She recently stated that she believes China's massive earthquake is the result of "bad karma" and recommended that the Chinese government make a list of all the bad things it has done and then go and make up for every single thing on that list in order to get good karma again.

Riiiiiiiicola!

Her remarks were eerily similiar to remarks made by Reverend Jerry Falwell following the 911 attacks on the World Trade Towers in 2001. Miss Stone has since been dropped from Christian Dior ads set to appear in China and forced to issue an apology.

The Chinese Press, though, is not letting her off the hook. They have publicly declared Miss Stone to be the "public enemy of all mankind."

Many of her fellow entertainment professionals agree, but not because of what she said about China's karma. They just think she's a crazy bitch.

---

And now for something completely different ....


Stimulate my package

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Oh Bullshit!

Who? Me?

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Memorial Day Weekend

I went to a party on Sunday at my neighbors' house. It was technically an Indy 500 party, as well as a general drinking, eating, acting goofy party. But we did actually watch the Indianapolis 500 on a gigantic big-screen high-def TV. We also drank a lot of beer and yelled at the drivers a lot.

We weren't the only ones yelling at the drivers, though.


Danica Patrick, the only female Indy car racecar driver that I knew of prior to yesterday's race, has a reputation for her red-hot temper to go with her red-hot Sports Illustrated bikini photos. And apparently racing sponsors like her reputation, as was evidenced by the fact that she was the only racecar driver featured in any of the ads run during the race.

Apparently GoDaddy is pretty hot on her. She's their official spokeswoman.


Danica races for Mario Andretti's race team. He has 3 drivers, one of whom is his grandson, Marco. Danica was doing well on Sunday. While Marco was battling for the number 1 position, Danica had moved up to seventh place and was patiently moving up further and further as the race went on. It was an odd race, with passing being unusually difficult and crashes being aplenty. All she needed to do was sit tight and watch several cars ahead of her crash, as they were steadily doing, and she'd be right up there in the top 4 cars.

But alas, near the end of the race, with all the cars pitted during a yellow flag, disaster struck. Just as Danica was exiting the pits, some jackass zipped out from his pit and slammed into Danica's car, knocking both of them out of the race.


As I said, Danica has a bit of a reputation for her temper. Today was no exception. After her crew had pulled her car back into the pit, declared her finished, and removed her from the car, she immediately took off after the other driver.

Security chased her down and prevented her from expressing her feelings to the other driver, but it was a highlight of the race even so. She has a very definite "angry walk" that lets you know what she's up to even when she's trying to be casual about it. Also, the crowd was cheering louder and louder the closer she got.

Check it out:



My neighbor has formed a band with some of his friends. They set up their instruments on their back porch and blasted us for a few hours with every song they knew. They know 4 songs, but they can play them as many times as you like, and they did.

My cat, Stinky, wandered over to join the fun. Everyone seemed to know him already. He was surprised to see me, stopping short and jumping when he spotted me. He seemed to be saying "what the fuck are YOU doing here?" But he quickly got over his surprise.

I was fed a steady supply of free beer, and being Baptist, I of course drank all I could get. Afterwards, when I was feeling pretty good, they fed me spicy food. Then they poured Jägermeister into me. The women all swore it was poison from hell. The men were curious to see how I handled it. Men are required to pass these sorts of manly tests, you know.

I think I handled it pretty well. I recognized the taste, indicating that someone had poured this stuff down me at some point in the past and I simply didn't know what it was. I drank more of shots of it than my host or anyone else at the party. It didn't affect me at all, other than to give me breath that could burn the hair off an Italian woman's cooter at 50 paces.

But then they broke out the spicy German food. It tasted great. I ate way too much of it. It felt nice in my tummy. For a few minutes. Then it began to mix with the Jägermeister and the beer and the other spicy foods I had eaten earlier and I began feeling less well.

A few dark beers, some ale, and more shots of Jägermeister later and I was getting the winky eye. Actually, I think the winky eye had more to do with the fact that my back and neck were hurting and creating a pain behind my eyes that some people call a migraine, but I can't be sure. Either way, my stomach was beginning to churn, my eyes were hurting to the point that I could only use one of them at a time, and it was way late at night. Half the party goers had either gone home, or fallen asleep at various locations inside the house. I lived right next door, so I simply said 'good night' and wandered home in the dark.

I woke up this morning to find that my back still hurts, but other than that I'm fine. Danica Patrick is already up on YouTube courtesy of Brazilian TV. Apparently they like her Irish temper. It's raining here today, with plenty of heat lightning to keep it entertaining. My cats are both inside sleeping it off while I waste time on the computer.

It only just now occurs to me that I haven't seen a single thing on TV all weekend relating to the real reason for Memorial Day. I think that's odd considering we have soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan risking their lives right at this very moment. We seem to be dominated by the Most Ungrateful Generation at the present time, and these people dominate our media. So, nothing about the risks our soldiers are taking for our benefit has come across any of the channels on my TV.

The Wall Street Journal, ever a bastion of feminist propaganda, is too busy defending the American Association of University Women for their "girls are shortchanged in school" lies that have resulted in the most vicious and destructive anti-male changes in our entire education system over the past 15 years that has ever occured in our nation's history, to mention any gratitude to our military. Almost every single American has noticed to varying degrees how badly males are being treated in our schools and universities now, yet the Journal and the AAUW claim this is all our imagination and in reality it is the girls who need still more favoritism. Even as they were suing male schools to force them to shut down or admit girls, they were simultaneously setting up female-only schools that prohibit males while their well-paid corrupt judges ruled that single sex education (only for males) was illegal, just to help them destroy the boys' schools. The Journal made no mention of this, of course, and neither do the fascists at the AAUW.

So, that's what's happening in the newspaper that was delivered to my house. No credit to our military for giving their lives in service of our country. Oh no. And nothing about how repulsive and unforgivable it is that our ivy league communastaries have kicked all U.S military functions off campus, replacing them with militant sexist, racist, and anti-American terrorist recruiting and training programs, such as women's studies, black studies, mexican studies and the like. According to the Ivory Tower priests and priestesses, anyone who defends America is a hater and must be enslaved or killed. But anyone who betrays this country is a true believer, a saint, and must be given a law degree and tenure as quickly as possible.

As I write this, I have noticed that Google, which celebrates every holiday under the sun, has completely ignored Memorial Day.


Anyway, enough about that. As for me and my house, we're grateful to our military for all that they've done. And I'm grateful to my neighbor, for the free drinks, the free food, and a day of fun. And now I'm tired. I don't really have much else to say. The Blog is behaving oddly, or maybe I just have a virus. Either way, happy Memorial Day. I'm out.

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Be Happy

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.



GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.







THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.



SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . not piddling in your pants.


And now for something completely different* ....





* I originally saw this on The Reluctant Optimist

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News and Shit

Obama says "Lay off my biatch"
Barack Obama, falling in the polls since it was revealed that he's a member of the Black Ku Klux Klan, has resorted to a desperate tactic in an effort to create a diversion from his crazy racist friends. Obama has resorted to throwing himself in front of his America-hating, communist traitor of a wife and pretending to be defending her from evil Republican woman-haters. He's so skinny and floppy, though, much like a ragdoll, that it's more comical than anything else. Michelle Obama is actually bigger and significantly stronger than he is. Everyone knows you don't ever want to fight with a mad black woman. But a mad, skinny, black politician? No one fears Urkel.


Barack Obama - gonna fuck you up!


NBA star gives divine gift to Momma
Dwyane Wade bought his momma the entire Catholic Church, Pope and all. "Bitch is goin' ta Heaven even if'n I have ta buy the whole goddamn thing!" Mr Wade was quoted as saying. The Catholic Church declined to comment.



Supremes Uphold part of Child Porn law
The Supreme Court has ruled that leading someone to believe that you might possibly have some child pornography, or you might just have a photo of your newborn baby on a bearskin rug, is a federal offense. You will be arrested, labeled a pedophile, forced to wear a scarlet letter "P" for the rest of your life, and dragged around on a chain in parades like a trained monkey every year until you die so politicians can brag that they're "tough on crime". Meanwhile, Tasering unarmed men and boys in the genitals remains legal and commonly practiced in all 50 states because everyone knows THAT's a victimless crime.


Federal Child Pornography Task Force


68 percent of young drivers killed at night unbuckled
68 percent of intoxicated, drag-racing, teenaged drivers aren't wearing their seatbelts when they crash into telephone poles and die, a completely-missing-the-point federal task force found. Since the government ordered everyone to wear seatbelts and instructed police to spend all of their time and energy Tasering the groins of any male found to be driving without a seatbelt, seatbelt usage among young drivers has dropped to its' lowest level since the 1970s, proving that no problem is so bad that government mandates and intervention can't make it even worse.


12-year-old gets drunk, steals father's truck, crashes
A future Massachusetts senator and his 10-year-old companion, decided to go for a ride in Dad's pickup after stealing all of Dad's alcohol and drinking it. Neither child was wearing a seatbelt, leading authorities to arrest and prosecute the father for providing alcohol to minors, stealing his own truck, driving recklessly, and failing to wear a seatbelt. The father, who was not present when the incident occurred, protested "I'm the victim here, but all I hear from them is how I'm some kind of criminal because my son, whom I don't even have custody of, is an out-of-control little shit. How is this justice?"



Japan names Hello Kitty tourism ambassador
Japan, in order to secure its' place in the halls of history's all-time gayest societies, has named the cartoon character Hello Kitty as the official ambassador of tourism for Japan.


Hello Kitty and prostitutes - Japan's 2 biggest money makers


China prepares for massive earthquake aftershocks
A government warning of major aftershocks sent thousands of panicked survivors running into the darkened streets Monday night. A Chinese official, Sum Ting Wong, was quoted as saying, "while we deal with massive natural disasters and death, the Japanese are naming a fucking cartoon cat as their ambassador. What a bunch of silly little girls they are! Soon we will invade and kill all their men while we make their women be our sex slaves."



DC Federal Court says money discriminates against blind people
In a typical fit of PC madness, the Federal Court of Washington DC, ever a hotbed of idiocy and expensive New Jersey call girls, has ruled that money discriminates against blind people because they can't see it. Whether Mr. Money is going to be sent to prison or forced to pay a fine is as yet undetermined. If a fine is levied, how the fine is to be paid is also unknown, as money is now illegal in Washington DC by virtue of being declared a paragon of evil discrimination. All transactions in the District of Columbia are henceforth to be paid for with sexual favors until the Federal Court Jesters can determine how to properly deal with the offending American dollar.


Paid in full



R Kelly Child Pornography case begins
A prosecutor in the child pornography trial of R Kelly warned jurors Tuesday they would have to watch a videotape depicting an "underage child performing sex acts that you have never seen before." Jurors became noticeably enthusiastic. Kelly, 41, is accused of videotaping himself having sex with an underage girl who prosecutors maintain was as young as 13 when the tape was made between Jan. 1, 1998, and Nov. 1, 2000. Mr. Kelly insists that he isn't even the man seen on the tape. Further complicating the trial is the inconvenient fact that the alleged 13-year-old girl, now 23-years-old, is also testifying that she isn't the girl on the tape either. Thus, prosecutors can't prove who the man or the woman is, but they are proceeding with the trial anyway because there is an election coming up and they like to insist that they are "tough on crime."


Jury duty - it's not just a job, it's an adventure!



California Supreme Court voids Traditional Marriage
The California Supreme Court ruled that voters don't decide laws in a representative government - unelected judges do. Voters in all 50 states overwhelmingly rejected the attempt to redefine marriage to mean whatever politicians wish for it to mean at the time that they are making a speech to a powerful lobby group or trying to lure young assistants into having sex with them with false promises of commitment. Politicians of both political parties were quite understandably upset by the voters' rejection as it was seriously cramping their sex lives. So it was not surprising that wealthy political 'players' were overjoyed in California when 4 of the 7 State Supremes said "fuck it, let's screw the voters one more time and further weaken the marriage contract. What can they do to us anyway?" Gay/feminist political lobby groups hailed the ruling as proof that they have more money and thus more power than anyone else in the entire country. "We bought and paid for this shit," gay feminist Bree Steinbaum gloated, "We got a fucking receipt. They practically bagged it and carried it to our cars for us. Kiss our rich, powerful asses all you fucking breeders!"


Fuck democracy - we win, you lose!

Angry Conservatives not happy with Republican Party
In 2006, conservative Republican voters attempted to send a message to their party that said something along the lines of "when the fuck are you assholes going to do what we elected you to do and stop fucking us over?" According to many conservative and independent think tanks, the recent failed campaigns of 3 Republican candidates in special elections indicates that they have not gotten the message. Republicans lost all 3 elections in states where they have sizable majorities, indicating a lack of conservative voter turnout. William McGee, a white male voter who didn't lift a finger to help the Republican candidate in the recent Mississippi election summed up his feelings by saying, "Nixon enacted Johnson's affirmative action, which Johnson himself was never going to do. Reagan created the non-custodial father slave trade in the so-called family courts. The Republican Congress passed the unconstitutional Violence Against Women Act, giving $10 billion to anti-male hate groups that make the Klan look like boy scouts. Then that same Republican Congress passed the Women's Health Act, which mandates that all federal funding be designated for female-only medical research, completely defunding any and all medical research that simply includes males, let alone is specifically for males. And ten years later, there are female-only hospitals and medical firms on every corner, while my father just died of prostate cancer which has virtually no funding of any kind. Fuck this. Fuck them. Fuck the fucking Republican party."


Republican voters - not happy


Senator Edward Kennedy has a malignant brain tumor
Senator Edward "Teddy" Kennedy, best known for his role in drowning Mary Jo Kopechne along with his car, has been diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor. The Senator began having seizures this past weekend, although no one in the U.S. Senate noticed because, as one Senator who wished to remain anonymous said, "his behavior was no more wacky than usual what with his tendency to make drunken, slurred speeches about assault rifles that turn out to be nothing more then .22s and BB guns and that sort of thing." The news that the tumor is malignant sent chills throughout both political parties as Senator Kennedy has been known as one of America's goofiest members of Congress for so long that the thought of his not being there is difficult to imagine. Malignant gliomas are a type of brain cancer diagnosed in about 9,000 Americans a year. Average survival can range from less than a year for very advanced and aggressive types to about five years for types that are slower growing. There is nothing funny about a malignant brain tumor, even when it happens to a crooked politician.


Senator Kennedy - terminal?


And now for something completely different ....


Oooh, Madonna!

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God, Adam, and Balls - from a comment I left on TKW's blog

I’ve always thought that just before God kicked Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden, right after he told Eve that he was going to make childbirth suck for her, he pulled Adam aside and said “And you, you want to let her lead you around by your penis, do you? Allow me to give you something worse for her to lead you by” and then he made Adam’s testicles drop out of his abdomen where they damn well belonged, and just hang by nerves and skin, swinging like two exposed kidneys and just as sensitive to pain.

After God left, Adam said “I am fucked.” And it was not good.

For whatever reason, God chose not to include this important little detail in the Bible. Men for thousands of years have been asking “why why why?” only to get no answer. But you notice, even Jesus, with all they did to him, was never hurt down there. Apparently he was willing to go to the cross for us, but when it came to having his nuts bashed in and nailed to the cross like the Romans did to so many other men*, much like modern cops do with their Tasers, he said “no fucking way.”


Well OK, he probably didn't use those EXACT words.




* Yes, the Romans did on occasion actually nail men's genitals to the cross along with their hands and feet. I shit you not. We are becoming more like them every day.

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Blonde Puzzle

I'm aware that I haven't been the best blogger these past few months. I've had an overload of tough decisions and stress and crisis to deal with. And I am aware that as a bad blogger I haven't been visiting your blogs nearly as often as I should be. Often not at all as I have only enough time to write something and then drop off entirely. I'm sorry for that. I don't want anyone to think that I don't value your comments or your writings on your own blogs. I do. I've just got so much to deal with that lately I've considered shutting down my own blog, simply because I can't keep it all going these days. I don't know how this is going to go, whether I'm going to keep going at this reduced rate, take a vacation, or shut down, but whatever I decide I promise I'll let you know.

Anyway, back to the good stuff ...



A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.

I have got a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box it's a tiger."

He decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in, and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table..

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble all of these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says,

"Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ...."

He sighed,

"...let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

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Today in the News

Sexy Laure
Today in headline news, French Olympic swimmer Laure Manaudou has appeared in nude photos floating around the internet. So far no one is complaining, but the media has nothing better to do, so they ask if she should lose her endorsements over this. I'm thinking she'll gain endorsements, but maybe that's just me.


Naked Laure - Wrap it up, I'll take it

Young female Democrats are screaming for Hillary Clinton to give up and go home so Obama can win. This is ironic coming from the same party whose women supported Bill Clinton's refusal to resign and go home during his perjury impeachment.


Obama supporter

Scientists are in the news again promoting more use of wind energy, an encouraging sign to men like me who love to fart and laugh about it. This would transform us from low-class 'ruffians' to environmental 'progressives' virtually overnight. Pass me some caviar, Jeeves, I feel a good fart coming on. It's not for the cheap laughs. It's to save the earth.


MySpace, in an apparent attempt to beat back the challenge of Facebook, has begun implementing apps that users can download and play with. Facebook's popular Hotties app has been among the first to be copied. I myself was just bought by Laura the Artful Blogger over on MySpace. Meanwhile, over on Facebook, someone stole my hotties and now I have to go buy new ones. This is like electronic pimping, only legal, and I am your pimp-daddy.



Famous Aussie Swimmer
An Australian swimmer fought off a shark as it drug him underwater by utilizing skills he learned from years of watching old "3 Stooges" videos - he poked the shark in the eye. DOINK! "Thank God for Moe, Larry, and Curly," the limping Aussie said. "If not for them and their zany antics I might be dead by now."


Getting back to Barack and Hillary, USA Today is reporting that Hillary has struck a great and devastating blow against Obama by insisting that he can't win the general election simply because he's black. This would seem to imply that white Democrats are all racists and that Hillary is OK with that. Judging from The Party's long fascination with racism and projected insistance that everyone is a bigot, she might be right.


Democratic campaign poster

Meanwhile, the very white John McCain is practicing his dance moves and trying to learn to talk 'ghetto' in preparation for a difficult battle with the very black Mr. Obama. Obama, in the meantime, is practicing his golf game and trying to learn to talk even whiter than he already does. By the time this is all over, McCain may very well be blacker than Obama, if he isn't already.


S'up ma homies

Wild coyotes are attacking children in California. These coyotes, also known as 'Walt Disney talent scouts', are coming out of the woods in broad daylight and attempting to snatch children. Most of their targets have been little girls, as Disney has not had a clue how to entertain boys since the 1980s when Walt Disney died and his gay brother took charge. "Coyotes normally avoid contact with humans," said Yogi Bear, a wildlife specialist with the University of California. "But once they go to work for Disney they become drooling predators. They will snatch any child they find."


A New York lesbian who did everything in her power to appear to be a man, has won $35,000 from a New York restaurant who treated her exactly like a man and chased her out of the women's bathroom. This raises the question, who exactly was in the wrong here, the woman who deceived everyone into thinking she was a man, or the men who believed her deception and gave her 'equal' treatment? Ah, but the man always gets the blame, of course. Unless he's a she.



Chinese Olympic Event - falling building obstacle
12,000 people have died in a massive earthquake in China. President Hu Jintao of China, when asked about the disaster, simply said "eh, we got lots more where that came from."



Albert Einstein - aspiring surfer
A letter written by famed physicist Albert Einstein says that belief in God is a childish superstition and that the Jews are not God's chosen people. "No," he said, "it is the Australians. They are God's chosen people. Such hot babes they have there. And those beaches are fabulous. I wish I had been born an Australian myself. I might have been a great surfer. I certainly have the hair for it."

CBS's "60 Minutes" is planning to run a program demeaning men in their 30s who live at home with their parents. When asked if they planned a corresponding program demeaning women in their 30s who lived at home with their parents CBS responded, "no, of course, not. That would sexist."



Dewayne Chatt - death by Taser
West Memphis police were called about a man, Dewayne Chatt, who was loitering in a parking lot on Thursday, April 24th. Police arrived and pulled their Tasers, pointing them at Mr. Chatt. Mr. Chatt, apparently in fear for his life due to the guns pointed at him, put his hands up in front of him and began backing away. Police followed him through a store as he continued backing away from their guns. They shot him with their Tasers 3 times. Mr Chatt can be seen on security video being dragged face down from the store as limp as a ragdoll. He was pronounced dead at the jail when he was examined. Taser continues to insist that their torture devices, which they are alleged to have designed to target the groin, are no more harmful or dangerous than a big fluffy pillow despite all the dead people.


And now for something completely different ....

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My 60

WELCOME TO THE 2008 EDITION OF GETTING TO KNOW YOUR FRIENDS, stolen shamelessly from Killjoy.

1. WHAT TIME DID YOU GET UP THIS MORNING?
Which time? I woke up several times and one of them involved a fart that wasn't a fart. I hate those!

2. DIAMONDS OR PEARLS?
Boobs

3. WHAT WAS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA?
Harry Potter? I can't remember. It's been a long time.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?
"Las Vegas" - Did you know that they cancelled this show after the writers' strike? It was the ONLY thing on on Friday nights and ended the season with a cliffhanger. And it's never coming back. Fucking TV network idiots!

5. WHAT DO YOU USUALLY HAVE FOR BREAKFAST?
Hooker, over easy.

6. WHAT IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME?
Heidi

7. WHAT FOOD DO YOU DISLIKE?
Food that has been peed in.

8. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CD?
One that I mixed myself, of course.

9. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE?
Mach V. It flies and can drive underwater, too.

10. FAVORITE SANDWICH?
Me between Christina Applegate and Kelly Preston. Wait, this was an old high school fantasy. I should probably update this. Make that, me between Jessica Biel and Jessica Alba.

11. WHAT CHARACTERISTIC DO YOU DESPISE?
Excessive Tasering, especially of the groin area.

12. FAVORITE ITEM OF CLOTHING:
Her thong, just as I'm ripping it off her with my teeth, although my dentist has warned me to stop doing this. But his dental assistant totally disagrees.

13. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD ON VACATION, WHERE WOULD YOU GO?
Steph's place in Sydney, Australia. I just hope she doesn't own a Taser.

14. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHROOM?
Turd brown. I don't think it was originally that color, though. I should probably clean that.

15. FAVORITE BRAND OF CLOTHING?
Victoria's Secret.

16. WHERE WOULD YOU RETIRE TO?
A nude beach in Miami if I could afford it. But I'd go blind pretty quickly after I got there, 'cause I'd never blink for days on end.

17. WHAT WAS YOUR MOST MEMORABLE BIRTHDAY?
I can't remember.

18. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH?
Nude Supermodel Wrestling

19. FURTHEST PLACE YOU ARE SENDING THIS?
According to Sitemeter, someone on Mars reads my blog. Hey, all you crazy Martians!

20. WHO DO YOU LEAST EXPECT TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU:
I'm not sending it to anyone. Oh, OK. I least expect Napoleon to send it back to me 'cause he's dead and has no idea how to use the internet.

21. PERSON YOU EXPECT TO SEND IT BACK FIRST?
OK, this is getting monotonous

22. FAVORITE SAYING?
Ow, you're on my hair!

23. WHEN IS YOUR BIRTHDAY?
On the same day that I was born, every year.

24. ARE YOU A MORNING OR NIGHT PERSON?
Night person. Hookers don't work much during the mornings unless they stayed out all night with me.

25. WHAT IS YOUR SHOE SIZE?
14, and yes it's true what they say about a man with big feet. We wear big shoes.

26. PETS?
What, you mean like Penthouse Pets? I love them all. It's hard not to love a hot, young girl when she's naked and smiling.

27. ANY NEW AND EXCITING NEWS YOU WOULD LIKE TO SHARE WITH US?
I'm downloading porn as I write this.

28. WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE?
Bigger

29. HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
Fried to a crisp. It's not even summer and already I've been seriously sunburned at least 3 times. And I haven't even been to a damn beach!

30. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CANDY?
Candy Davis. She's an oldie, but a goodie. And a nudie on Google image search. Yay!

31. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLOWER?
Rose, as in Rosanna Arquette.

32. WHAT IS A DAY ON THE CALENDAR YOU ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO?
Saturday. I'm writing this on Friday, so I'm looking forward and the next day I see is Saturday.

33. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
A brownie. No, not that kind of brownie. Good Lord, what a nasty mind you have!

34. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
I wish I could be on Shannon Elizabeth. She's a pretty big star.

35. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
A color that nobody used, because those crayons rub down to nothing and then get thrown away.

36. HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW?
Dark and calm, like a girl passed out in a tanning salon.

37. Favorite soft drink?
Orange Crush

38. FAVORITE RESTAURANT?
Hooters

39. SIBLINGS?
I have siblings. We don't always admit to knowing each other, but I have some.

40. FAVORITE HOLIDAY OF THE YEAR?
Christmas

41. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
My penis

42. SUMMER OR WINTER?
I've never known a girl named Winter. Well, I guess there was Shelley Winter, the actress. But then there was Donna Summer. Neither of them do anything for me.

43. HUGS OR KISSES?
A good Playboy bunny boob hug is always fun. But so is a long, wet kiss from a supermodel. Not that I'd know this from experience, but I imagine it would be.

44. COFFEE OR TEA?
Sweet tea, light on the ice, with lemon. It's a Southern thang.

45. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?
It depends on what we're talking about - ice cream, cake, hookers, or what.

46. DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO E-MAIL YOU BACK?
Um, no. I send emails in the hopes that none of my friends will ever email me back. I just like talking without getting any response. It's almost like blogging.

47. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
I don't know. Fourteen years ago, on January 3rd, maybe? I'm guessing, obviously.

48. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED?
Inflatible U.S. President. After these 3 morons beat each other senseless, I intend to slip my inflatible U.S. President into the White House and rule by proxy. She looks a lot like an ordinary inflatible sex doll, but the media will love her because she's a woman and men will recognize that wide open mouth immediately. She'll be the most popular president ever. The best part is, if some lunatic shoots her all I have to do is get some rubber cement and a plastic patch and she's good as new.

49. WHO IS THE FRIEND YOU HAVE HAD THE LONGEST?
I have known my penis all my life.

50. WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT?
Assassinated a prominent Memphis businessman who didn't pay his debts. Then I screwed his hot wife and hotter daughter, who both thanked me profusely, and then I went home to watch "My Name Is Earl". Either that or I fell asleep on the couch and had a funky dream.

51. FAVORITE SMELL?
I love the smell of vagina in the morning!

52. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?
One of the other 3 Presidential candidates getting the job instead of my Inflatible U.S. President doll.

WHERE'S 53?
Probably out jogging.

54. HOW MANY KEYS ON YOUR RING?
I don't keep keys on my ring. It's a ring, not a keychain.

55. HOW MANY YEARS AT YOUR CURRENT JOB?
5 to 10, with time off for good behavior.

56. FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK?
Saturday night's alright for fighting. Get a little action in.

57. HOW MANY TOWNS HAVE YOU LIVED IN?
4 - Rockettown, Memphrica, Redneckville, and now The Boondocks.

58. DO YOU MAKE FRIENDS EASILY?
I used to. Now I am highly reserved until I know you aren't a sociopathic scumbag.

59. HOW MANY PEOPLE WILL YOU SEND THIS TO?
I'm sending it out to all the world! Yay! We are the world, we are the children. Ooh, I always hated that stupid song.

60. HOW MANY WILL RESPOND?
All of them. They will respond by reading it in their feeder and not leaving me any comments, those fuckers.


And now for something completely different ...


Nothing entertains like a farting pig

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Thursday Stuff in My Head

At my house, whenever we're opening a brand new package of cookies and putting them into another container, any and all broken cookies must be eaten immediately. It's a rule. Actually, it's just my rule. But you can have a few if you want.


Apparently, you cannot cut a branch off an oak tree with a pair of WalMart clippers. I did not know this and did it anyway. On my third branch I discovered why this might be a bad idea (hint: cheap Chinese crap).


Archaeologists will find this one day and note that we had tools

I am clearly a man of super strength. I managed to shatter that pair of WalMart garden clippers with my great and awesome mightiness. Fear my spectacular strength! Bow to my mighty manly muscles! I am wicked strong! I popped those metal shears into three pieces like a circus strong man. PooYA!


Oh Snap!

Leaving your wife's bow saw out in the backyard the afternoon before a big rain will get you into big trouble

if she ever finds out about it.


I'm a cold-blooded bastard. I stole my neighbors' oak tree. I didn't mean to though. I was out in the woods behind my house checking on my handiwork of the previous day in which I poisoned every damn tree-strangling vine and poison ivy plant I could find. While I was out there, muddling through the forest and dodging snakes, I saw a small oak tree, just about 3 feet tall. I had seen it before, but forgotten about it and perhaps most importantly, forgotten why I never dug it up and moved it. So, I got the shovel and spent a half hour digging that sucker up, being careful to get the big deep taproot that runs way down into the ground. Just as I was finally getting it free from it's rich, fertile home, I noticed that I was about a foot past the property marker between my yard and my neighbors' yard - dammit! Anyway, I planted that sucker in my front yard and filled in the hole where I'd treejacked it. But at some point I may have to go ask them if they're OK with that or if I actually have to give the tree back. I never in my wildest dreams imagined I might one day grow up to become a low-down, dirty tree thief. Momma would be so ashamed.

Dad would be proud, though. He was just always like that. I don't know why.


We hang tree thieves in these here parts

Beavis and Butthead have got nothing on me. I was making my lunch when I noticed the package of meat. It said "fresh smoked turkey breast - shaved". I started giggling. 'Smoked' - 'breast' - 'shaved', huh huh huh, it's all so "American Pie"/Shannon Elizabeth-like. "Be gentle."


Smoked - Breast - Shaved

I discovered an important lesson relating to my awesome Snapper riding mower. Apparently, if a big metal bar falls off of the mower while you're riding it, even though it doesn't seem to affect anything, you might later suddenly find yourself unable to shift into any forward gears. It would be at this point that having the owner's manual with a large diagram showing where all the parts go would come in handy. It's a rare vehicle manufactured these days that comes with any spare and unneeded parts on it. If it was attached at some point, chances are you're going to need it later.


Snapper - some occasional reassembly required

Last night on CBS, I totally skipped "Criminal Minds" because I just wasn't in the mood for more white-male bashing. I love AJ Cook and Paget Brewster, although I'm not thrilled with Paget's new haircut, but I just wasn't in the mood otherwise. I did catch "CSI: NY" afterwards, totally by accident. Guess what? The killer wasn't a white male! No, it was a white female. The VICTIM was a white male. Of course, he had to be a big asshole so we could all feel sorry for the female killer. But even so, this was a huge step forward for CBS. I know it must have been difficult. Who knows? This might even lead to a day when white males on "Wheel of Fortune" don't hit BANKRUPT on every other spin and actually get to play like everybody else. It could happen!

What? You didn't know it was rigged?


Paget's new haircut went unnoticed for weeks

Clay Aiken is in the news. He got a new gay haircut. He says he's not trying to be Justin Timberlake, which is an odd thing to say seeing as no one thinks he looks anything like Justin. Ellen Degeneres maybe, but not Justin.


Clay - not trying to be Justin - or Justin's sister


And now for something completely different ...

Hey, isn't that Kylie and Steph in the center there? ROWR!

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