Michelle's Meme

A meme I have shamelessly stolen from the beautiful Michelle.

Who did you last shoot a dirty look at?
The Blog, after it deleted my last comment on Michelle's blog and made me write a new one. Man, that pissed me off.

What kind of car do you drive?
What day of the week is it? I have 5, plus my wife's car, and 2 motorcycles.

Have you ever had a garage sale?
Yes, not only did I sell my garage, but the house that went with it, too.

What color is your iPod?
I bought a green one for My Wife, but I don't have one myself. She never asked for one. I just thought she'd like it. And now I can't get it away from her because she likes it so much.

What kind of dog do you have?
I have a dog that meows, climbs trees, and poops in a litterbox. Some folks call him a cat.

What's for dinner tonight?
What is this, Hee Haw? I remember that show. Hey, remember Barbi Benton? Man, that girl was hot!

What is the last drink you drank?
Ice cold well water. Speaking of wells, our pump seems to have a leak somewhere. The cats appreciate it though. It gives them a constant supply of fresh water. Dammit.

Last time you were sick?
Earlier today, as I was reading Barak Obama's pastor's response to criticism of his racism. What an unrepentent dirtbag.

How long is your hair?
Just long enough for My Wife to tell me she wishes I'd get a haircut.

Are you happy right now?
No, I'm the prince who saves Snow White from Happy and the other dwarves.

What did you say last?
I wish you hadn't ask me this. The last words I have spoken tonight were when I shouted "goddammit" when The Blog deleted my comments on Michelle's page. Yes, I know, but it just slipped out.

Do you drink beer?
I'm Baptist. I drink YOUR beer when no other Baptists are around to see me.

Have your brothers or sisters ever told you that you were adopted?
In my family being adopted would have been preferable. No, they used to tell me that if they pushed my bellybutton my legs would fall off. My oldest sister to this day says I was a smart kid because I never fell for it. I figure I saw them do it to my older brother and noticed that his legs never came off. I mean really, how dumb did they think I was?

What is your favorite key chain on your keys?
I've got a Chevelle SS454 keychain I'm fond of. I've got another made of solid brass that just says 'Chevrolet' on it. And of course, most of the time when you see me in traffic I'm driving either a Nissan or a Ford. I keep my classic Chevies in the garage.

What is in your pocket?
Twig and berries are all I have on me at the moment - no pockets, I'm dressed for bed. No underwear, either.

Who is the last person you had a phone conversation with?
CIO of a company that has apparently been pursuing me for over a year. I had no idea they ever had an interest, so they must not pursue very hard or something.

What DVD is in your DVD player?
101 Dalmations, Debbie Does Dallas, B Movie .... I think that's all. It's a carousel so it holds 6, but I think there's only 3 in it right now.

What's something fun you did today?
Ate really unhealthy. Hey, it was My Wife's idea. She was in the mood for chocolate fried pie with ice cream and I didn't feel like fighting her on it.

What do you think of when you hear the word "meow"?
Someone is apparently out of catfood, in search of a lap, wants to go outside, or is simply lonely somewhere in the house and just decided to sit down and start crying about it.

What are you listening to right now?
My ass whistling a merry tune.

What have you had to drink so far today?
Water and milk. Nothing more exciting than that. Sorry to blow my wild party animal image and all. I do have plenty of Schiner Bock and wine coolers in the fridge. You want something?

When is your birthday?
On the same day that I was born, every year.

What's the area code for your cell phone?

Where did you buy the shirt you're wearing now?
It was a gift from my sister-in-law from the nearest Harley store. We think from the size of it that she originally bought it for her husband, a rather large and obese man, but gave it to me for Christmas by accident. I wear it as a sleep shirt because it's nice, but much too big for anything else.

Is there anything hanging from your rear view mirror?
Wild monkeys, usually. Those bastards are always breaking into my truck and stealing my CDs.

What are you going to do after this?
Go to bed and dream about how much better my life would be if I were someone else, preferably someone who gets to have sex with Jessica Biel and Jessica Alba at the same time.

What is something you need to go shopping for?
Condoms, milk, and a new starter for the Chevelle.

Do you like pickles?
I like Kelly Pickler. I'd eat her with fries and a Coke.

How about olives?
I'm not into cartoon women. I mean, I'll admit that Jessica Rabbit was hot, but I'd be afraid I'd accidently erase her or something. Olive would just split right up the middle like firewood hit with a wedge.

What is your favorite kind of gum?
Ruger 9 mm mostly. Oh wait, you said gum. Sorry. I like Bubbalicious.

Do you have any tan lines?
Not so much tan as burn lines at the moment. I'm fried and covered in Aloe Vera lotion

Do you remember the name of your kindergarten teacher?
Mrs. Adair. She was a blonde hottie. I was only 4, but I knew what I liked even back then. She was hot.

When you're at the grocery store do you use the self checkout?
No, I take all my groceries to the pharmacist. She's a righteous hottie and she always grins at me whenever I buy condoms.

Has anyone ever sang to you?
My cats do it all the time.

Has anyone ever given you roses?
Guns'n'Roses once, on CD, but never just roses.

If you were abandoned in the wilderness, would you survive?
I don't know if I would or not, but I'd sure as hell kill the person trying to abandon me there before they could get away. Then I'd search their dead body for a cell phone.

What is your favorite color?
I mostly prefer white girls, although I have experienced a few darker colors in the past and had no complaints about them at all. Well OK, I have one complaint related to Korean girls being somewhat crazy, but other than that, no complaints.

What color are your eyes?
Brown and bloodshot

What is a compliment you receive way too often?
Sometimes I get tired of being told that I'm way too good in bed. Yeah, spread that around, would you? I just thought that shit up.

How tall are you?
Last time I was measured I was 6 feet even, but that was way back and I'm pretty tired these days.

Who was the last person to say they loved you and when?
Kelly Preston, famous movie hottie and wife of John Travolta, but that may have been a dream. I fell asleep while watching "Medium" and woke up with a huge erection and a strong desire to watch some dirty '80s movies.

Do you like your parents?
I don't know how to answer this. My dad is dead and my mom is a bit wacky.

Where is the furthest place you've traveled?
One of the Caribbean islands or perhaps Ontario, Canada. I didn't measure which was further.

Which do you prefer, to eat or sleep?
I prefer to sleep. I can ignore hunger and it'll go away eventually, but tired will jump you from behind if you're not careful.

Do you look more like your mom or your dad?
I look eerily similiar to my dad, or so I've been told by every freakin' person in his hometown in Texas.

How long does it take you to shower?
I can shower in 5 minutes, but if I've been dreaming about Kelly Preston or Jessica Biel it may take a lot longer.

Can you do splits?
When I was actively taking tae kwan do I could come close, but now I don't even want to think about it.

Can you use the grill?
I can grill a mean burger. Would you like to try my meat?

Are you flexible?
I was never overly bendy, even when I ran track and stretched out every day. These days I'm stiffer than a wooden dick.

What movie do you want to see?
I had high hopes for "Forgetting Sarah Marshall", but the ads have actually started to convince me that it doesn't look all that funny. Worse, Kristen Bell doesn't get naked at all in the movie. The guy does - Yuck! So, "Iron Man" is moving up on my list of movies I might be curious about.

How many hours of sleep did you get last night?
I woke up so many times. I don't know what the total was by morning, but it wasn't enough.

Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?
I've always worn it, and I've always said that it's not the government's place to tell us we have to. If this is what our cops are doing then clearly we don't have a crime problem and don't need so many cops. And also, we have a government that thinks 18 is old enough to vote and run a nuclear submarine, but not old enough to make basic decisions about our own daily lives. Think about that for a minute.

Are you scared of flying?
No, not flying - falling and hitting the ground, but not flying. I've never thought of it as being any different than riding a big bus. Then again, we have had some major bus crashes here in Memphis so perhaps that isn't the best way to look at it.

What do you sleep in?
My bed. Duh.

Do you have any tattoos?
I have Shannon Elizabeth's phone number tattooed on my penis. I hope to God she never changes her number.

Have you ever been to Los Angeles?
No, actually I haven't. I haven't been to California at all. I've been to Kings and Queens, but I've never been to me. Oh how I hate that song.

What jewelry do you wear all the time?
Just my family jewels.

What is your favorite song at the moment?
I don't have one at the moment, but if Faith Hill or Shania Twain were to come to my bed and sing to me, whatever they sang would be my favorite song.

What song do you HATE?
The theme song to "That '70s Show" is pretty damned obnoxious.

Do you like chocolate?
I told you, I've been with all different color girls and they were all pretty good to me.

Are you easy to get along with?
I'm so easy that narcissists and sociopaths seek me out just to see how much they can get away with before I stick a knife in them.
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