Women and Those Complicated Toilet Seats


I believe every man who has ever been involved with a woman in any capacity has learned, often by the woman screaming at the top of her lungs, that women are incapable of working the common toilet seat*.

No one knows exactly why this is. We know only that all research results have been sealed and locked away by the Female Supremacist branch of the Department of Justice and that not even the President himself can get access to them.

Anyway, any man who has ever lived in the same house with a woman knows that women can't work toilet seats. Not only can they not work them, but they can't even look at them. As a result, women have been alleged to have drowned as they were sucked down by evil patriarchal toilets after they fell into them because they refused to look and see if the seat was up or not before sitting down.

This is old news. Nothing to report here. But I have discovered something new, something revolutionary, something that will absolutely blow your mind.

Not only can women not work toilet seats, but they can't work the lid either!

I shit you not. Just the other night, at 2 a.m., my loving wife got up and stumbled into the bathroom in a near coma. The seat was of course down, as I am a law-abiding drone and have utterly given up hope of resisting the government-funded Matriachy and its' fascist regime. But, alas, the toilet lid was down, too.

My wife, a reasonably intelligent but very sleepy woman, did not even notice the toilet lid being down as she sat her semi-concious butt onto the toilet and proceded to pee a sparkling golden river.

Once done, she wiped her cooter, and everything else back there in cooterland, apparently not thinking it odd that she was so much wetter than normal. She then threw the wet toilet paper onto the toilet lid and flushed. Satisfied, she stumbled back to bed.

The next morning I found a virtual toxic wasteland in our bathroom. The seat and lid were down, but soaking wet and decorated with clumps of pee-stained toilet paper. To complete the atmosphere, there was pee all around the toilet on the floor where it had spilled over. My wife, a morning person who sleeps like a rock until the instant the sun comes up, had no memory whatever of what had occured. It was as if a burglar had broken in, peed on our toilet, and then left, locking the door behind them.

After some hypnosis and some deep questioning, my wife developed vague memories of waking up and peeing that very night. "I thought it felt kinda funny, but I was too tired to care," she confessed.

So there you have it. Another clue to the mystery of women and how they are different from men. We pee on the floor in front of the toilet, and they pee on top of the toilet itself, decorating it with little bunches of toilet paper when they are done. Somehow it all makes perfect sense.

The scene of a horrible peeing-related accident

* DISCLAIMER: This is, of course, meant as a joke. There are, obviously, many women who are perfectly capable of working toilet seats. I'm being sarcastic, or something, like Hillary Clinton when she talks about being shot at by snipers in Bosnia, or Barack Obama when he insists that he had no idea his pastor of the past 20 years is a raging black supremacist racist, or John McCain when he claims to be a Republican. I love women. I just happened to have closed the lid to keep my cat from playing in the toilet. It was not intended as a trap for my wife.

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