According to the internet news, which of course must be true because internet news is not allowed to lie, there is a mass crime wave of penis thefts in The Congo. Apparently 13 or so people have been hanged for using black magic to steal men's penises.
Here in America this 'black magic' is called African-American magic to be more politically correct.
Anyway, I saw this news story and it occurred to me that these men whose penises were stolen must be single. I know this because were they married, like me, they wouldn't have even noticed the theft for weeks, possibly even months.
It's true. Married men, on average, get so little use out of their penises that they could be stolen by witch doctors in The Congo and the men wouldn't even care. I know I'd never notice. I'd just be standing there in front of the toilet, half asleep and peeing all over myself and the floor, without a care in the world.
"Huh, I could'a sworn I had a penis there just the other day," I'd think to myself, before stumbling back to bed. "Ah well, probably misplaced it or something. It'll turn up."
The next day, My Lovely Wife would inform me that I had peed on the floor and didn't clean it up. But this wouldn't be anything new. I mean, hell, don't all men pee on the floor in front of the toilet without even realizing we're doing it? Sure we do. It's one of God's many practical jokes he plays on us as we get older. It's a holy riot. If you listen closely while standing there peeing and dribbling all over the floor, you can almost hear the legions of angels laughing.
Another thing that occurred to me while reading this news story of penis thefts over in The Congo is how different everything would be if it were happening here in the United States.
First of all, no one would be punished for it. The National Organization for Women would be on CNN talking about how the thefts are empowering to women and should be funded by the federal government with a new branch of the Department of Justice created just for the purpose of stealing more penises. Senator Joseph Biden would sponsor a bill creating this new branch, making a big speech praising penis thefts and claiming that he wished someone would steal his penis so he wouldn't ever be tempted to pee standing up again - because as everyone knows, men peeing standing up is somehow degrading to women and shit. Hillary Clinton would dodge this news story like the plague because it would threaten to derail her campaign against Obama. NBC would air a prime time home video show featuring one full hour of video clips of boys being virtually castrated in horrible accidents. And CBS would instruct their script writers to include penis theft bandits in every show, blaming white males for the whole thing while simultaneously portraying women as sympathetic victims.
Finally, whomever was arrested for it would declare themselves to be "the real victim". They would get a dream team of criminal attorneys for free, paid for by billionaire Nazi George Soros. They would be invited to appear on Oprah. Hearst Publishing would immediately sign them to a book deal. The Lifetime Network would do a movie starring Sally Field in which we would be shown how they lived a hard life and were abused, but somehow remained very lovable all the while. And finally, predictably, they would be acquitted.
Too bad those dudes in The Congo aren't civilized and progressive like we are here in the United States. They're hanging these fuckers without so much as a televised trial or anything. The real irony is that the people they're executing over there probably didn't do anything, whereas here in the United States when someone does something like this for real, if it's a woman and we have her caught red handed we don't do jack shit to her. We let her ass go. Ain't it funny how it always works that way? And if it were a man, because usually when a man commits a sexual crime like this against another man or a boy it turns out that he's gay, the media would hush it up, and the courts would give him a light sentence. But then someone would shank the fucker while he was in prison and he'd die face down in a toilet. So it's all good.
Anyway, I don't plan to do any vacationing in the Congo any time soon. And if I do go, I'm probably gonna leave my penis here, just in case.
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