Scrotal Ornaments and Antifungal Cream


It's hotter than hell outside and the air conditioning in my dad's old car that I paid to have fixed just last summer doesn't appear to be working very well. That's just lovely. It makes me so happy. Here I am driving around in the BananaWagon, which is humiliating enough by itself, and the air is barely working. So I'm sweating up my shirt on those lovely leather seats. Ah, but at least my head isn't hot. And do you know why my head isn't hot? Well let me tell you.


Saturday afternoon I paid $30 for the worst haircut of my life. Yes, it's true. It is so hard to find anyone anywhere near Memphis who does a decent job at anything that I've had to resort to going to a place that charges $30 for a haircut, and even with that I still can't get the same person twice, and this time I got royally hacked.

Oh, it was just my luck to go in on this particular day. I thought I was getting a lucky break. No other customers in sight. I just waltzed right in and they were ready for me. Who is this girl? Where is the last girl who cut my hair, who also wasn't the same as the previous girl? Oh well, this is a high-end place, so I'm sure it's OK.

Ah, stupid, stupid me!

It was her first day, apparently, and so she was doing the best that she could. And by 'first day' I mean, first day ever cutting hair on an actual customer after graduating beauty school. All the veterans were off in Cancun for some sort of hair cutting conference. Only the newbies were kept behind. Who knew they had freakin' hair cutting conferences in Cancun and that on the day I go in for a haircut all the top girls are gone there? God fucking hates me.

So, my bangs were all the way down to the end of my nose. It had been awhile since I'd had my hair cut. I told the girl I just wanted them barely above my eyebrows. She kept getting them crooked. Finally I said, "that's good enough. Leave it." But she didn't. She kept fucking with them until there were no bangs left because she couldn't get it right and had no one to ask for help due to them all being in drunk-American-molesting Cancun. I can't necessarily blame her since she was so new, but now I look like a serial killer, complete with the shitty car I'd probably drive if I really were one.

Yeah, I read all the John Douglas books on FBI serial killing cases and profiling. He detailed what sort of cars these loonies tend to drive. I'm in a classic serial killer mobile and now I look the part, too. I'm so happy.

Speaking of killers ....


Hey, did you hear, they're pushing to have Mary Winkler get a sentence of DIVERSION. You know what diversion is? It's 11 months of not doing any time in jail for the MURDER OF HER HUSBAND, followed by the whole affair being wiped off her record completely because, you know, SHE'S NEVER KILLED ANY HUSBANDS BEFORE.

I'm completely serious. Her lawyers are pushing for diversion and her record being wiped clean. I wonder if a person can get diversion for killing a judge, a prosecutor, a spouse-killer, and two defense lawyers? I'm guessing probably not, but someone should test this and see.

My Mother-In-Law was in town for a few days last week. That was fun. Boy howdy! So anyway, she took My Wife on a road trip to fabulous Kentucky. YeeeeHA! They said everyone there was really ugly, but very nice. Of course they were nice. You have to be nice when you're ugly and poor.

Wait, I take that back. Memphis is loaded with ugly, poor biotches and their gangsta chillens who aren't nice at all. Damn, shot my own theory down before it even got to the runway.

Anyway, on the way back to Memphrica one of the Mother-In-Law's front brake calipers FELL OFF THE CAR. Yes, while My Wife was driving, a brake caliper came off the car because some bubba mechanic in Atlanta didn't tighten the bolts. And when the car was towed to a mechanic for fixing, the mechanic found that Bubba in Atlanta didn't tighten the bolts on the other side, either, so that either one could have, and eventually would have, fallen off as the car was being driven.

Apparently you can't get decent help in Atlanta, either. Yay America!

For those of you who aren't auto-savvy, a brake caliper falling off either one of your front wheels often causes a major crash, sometimes fatal, as it tends to get all tangled up in the wheel, locking the wheel as the brake pads are loosened enough to wedge sideways against the disc and kicking the car into a skid while simultaneously steering the car towards the side that's locked up. Their wheel did eventually lock up, but luckily not before they heard a horrific noise and got slowed to a near stop on the side of the highway.

Apparently, although God clearly hates me, he doesn't hate My Wife. Or perhaps it's the Mother-In-Law he was saving? I don't know. He never tells me this stuff.

In the news this week, our much beloved state senator, John "show me the money" Ford, has been convicted of bribery. There were four different charges against him, but the jury could only agree on just the one. Oh sure, there was video and more video, all proving him pretty damned guilty, but keep in mind this is the same town that couldn't figure out if Mary Winkler killed her husband or not so you take what you can get. Anyway, he'll probably be re-elected regardless of whether he actually goes to jail or not. I'm pretty sure Memphis has had representatives working from prison before. It's no biggie. It's not as if anyone is surprised when our local politicians turn out to be criminals. Hell, that's who stuffed the ballot boxes with their names in the first place - other criminals.

I was just going through my blogroll the other day and discovered that Trojan and Artful Laura have both gone private and locked me out. That's a drag. I like both of them. Should I try to email them and ask to be let in or is that rude? Is it assumed that if they want to admit you they'll let you know or how does that work? I know nothing of all the social rules of this sort of thing. I wonder if Dear Heloise handles blog etiquette questions?

RFS Blog Awards Winner

I just found out that I have won a major award for my blog and I want to brag about it. So POOYA for me! Gonna do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight! Thanks to whoever it was that nominated me and thanks to everyone who voted for me. Jerry Springer, here I come!

I have a calendar dilemma. I've got 2 calendars hanging at my desk here at work. One is from a political organization, but has only photos of animals so far. The other is from a political group that investigates and sues both major parties whenever it suspects them of wrongdoing and is generally very neutral. It mostly has photos of tourist sites in Washington D.C., like the Capitol building and stuff, but this month it's a photo of Condoleezza Rice making a speech. I have no idea what the politics of my coworkers is, but I have no interest in sharing mine with them, or even implying what they might be. It's just something I don't do. I wonder if I could swap both calendars out with something from Sports Illustrated's swimsuit issue? Ah, sexy hotties!


Well, that's enough mental wanderings. If you've read this far then you are a true friend. Or really, really bored. Either way, I appreciate it.
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