Ft. Worth Fugly

Alrighty then! It's time for a little fashion review here at Nude Memphis, now on location in Forth Worth, Texas, where the women are beautiful and the men are confused, apparently.


Gay Cowpoke
Dude!

May I call you Dude?

Dude, did you know that cowboy boots make a man walk just a little bit like a woman in "fuck me" heels? It's true. They make a man clip-clop along like a homecoming queen after a few drinks, but just before the pretty dress comes off. But that's fine. This is Texas, after all, so you expect to see a man or two walking around in his finest Sunday boots.

The black jeans, not really a problem. Black boots and black jeans, a little more color-coordinated than your average cowboy usually cares for, but not really a big issue.

But as for that pink shirt ...

Girlfriend, no man wears a pink shirt like that, especially with the little clip-clop boots and the overly neat beardlette doo dad you got going there. Nobody, that is, but a cowboy looking to be ridden like a mare in heat by a strapping young stallion. I realize that the whole world has recently lost its' mind and declared gay to be the new black, but this is just too much gay. I'm guessing you pulled up in a red Chrysler convertible, or maybe a red Dodge Ram truck with frilly crap hanging from the rear-view mirror and a pink triangle on the rear bumper. Either way, the shirt is too much gay and you're much too fugly for Office Max. Go home and change.


Now let's away from the Office Max and head on down the road to Hooters, where desperate young men and even more desperate old men go to have hot, sexy 18-year-old girls pretend to pay attention to them while bending over, stroking their hair, and adjusting their bras a lot. I can't criticize. It works too well. I giggled like a moron while Lauren adjusted her bra for the hundredth time and told me I reminded her of "that guy from American Idol who won a few seasons ago."

"What, you mean that old guy with gray hair?!"

"He's not old. He's like 25 or 26."

"But you do mean him?"

Yes, THAT'S what I was hoping to hear, that I remind a hot Hooters girl of THAT guy. Shit. As if I didn't feel bad enough about the Fred Flintstone-like physique I've obtained after skipping the gym for over a year.

Anyway, moving past waitress Lauren's apparently unintentional slam of me, we come to the topic of what the boys are wearing to attract the girls, especially at Hooters where the hormones are a-flyin'.

We pointed Lauren's attention to some guys sitting next to us who seemed to have come under the impression that a boy attracts a girl by showing her his underpants and asked Lauren if this did it for her.


I see London, I see France, I see fugly underpants
"That's just dumb," Lauren said. "But that one guy next to him used to date one of the girls here. She said he was the nastiest guy she's ever been with."

Just as Lauren was reassuring us that pants half down and boxers hanging out is way out of fashion, 2 very sexy girls came in and sat down with the boys in the falling down pants.

"Ooooh, say it isn't so!" I lamented jealously into my beer, as Lauren moved her attention to the gentlemen sitting behind me. Those geniuses, having had way too much beer, paid her $50 to sign her own shirt, strip it off, and give it to them. They then tipped her another $40, bringing the price of her undersized shirt to $90.

Despite the two smoking hot girls who came and sat with the butt-boys, this ass-crack fashion among the Forth Worth boys club has got to go. It's fugly and even more than that, it's just dumb.


Liq-O-Rama - A Women's Only Club
The weather in Forth Worth has been fugly, too, but only at times when it didn't really matter, such as while we were indoors at work and then later that night after the Hooters girls kicked us out and told us to go home and take our Geritol because they were closing for the night.

While I was in Hooters, which was really loud, but didn't seem it at the time, I missed 2 phone calls from My Wife, and one from Kami, who even texted me first to let me know that the number she was calling me from wasn't the same number she had given me previously. The caller ID showed "Troy Aikman", whomever that is. I did manage to finally get in touch with her later that night, though, calling her home at almost exactly 10 p.m. and proving once and for all that I have no class or consideration whatsoever. But she was nice about it and it was fun to talk to her, although I must confess, I suddenly found myself without a single funny thing to say.


Stevie Ray Vaughan weather
So anyway, that was today's fun and adventure here in the city of beautiful Texas women and pink cowboys.

On a side note, last night, as I was writing this, a huge storm rolled in, and a bolt of lightning hit a train here in Forth Worth, setting it on fire. They don't mess around in Texas. Even the weather is larger than life.

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DFW Blues

They swore my reservations were set a month ago. They swore. But after driving several hours to Little Rock and trying to pick up my ticket, I was informed that no ticket had been reserved for me.

No matter. I didn't really want to go anyway.

So, we managed to get me on the plane through various terrorist threats and skillful bribery.

Good Lord, you call this a plane?! These are child's seats I'm sitting in. There's a soldier sleeping next to me, like that old '80s song by Berlin, and a really weird, creepy guy sitting next to a girl who might be a model and who is 2 rows in front of me. She seems thrilled about it, too. There is a big, fat guy across the aisle from the beautiful model who is clearly trying as hard as he can to squeeze himself into the seat well enough so that the stewardesses can get past him in the aisle. No worries, mate, 'cause they don't mind bashing into you, as my left shoulder can atest.



The rental car was a cruel deception by a Mexican woman who reminded me of Jorja Fox, otherwise known as Sara on CSI. She swore on Juan Valdez that it was a Mustang GT with V8, and don't you know but she was a liar.

So me and this damned V6 managed to battle our way out of Dallas and over to Fort Worth in record time for such a wimpy little motor. My coworker was white from admiration at my driving skills in the wild Western Dallas rush-hour traffic. He must really love Fort Worth because by the time we got here at the tail end of rush hour he was saying, "please don't make me get back in that car. I don't want to get back in that car ever again!" And later that night he offered to drive. I think he was embarassed at what a great driver I am and so he wanted to try to show me how good he is now that we've arrived and rush hour is over.

Sorry mate, but it don't count unless you've got a Texas-sized bitch on her cell phone riding your ass in her Dodge Durango at 85 mph. That's when your driving greatness really shines through. I know it kept me inspired, as did those fabulously trendy sunglasses she was wearing. Woo, shades of Elvis!



So anyway, Kami texted me while I was in Little Rock and said "Coconut Rum=yum." I, of course, responded with a photo of a very poorly though out ad campaign from Arkansas and a long, slowly typed story about Captain Morgan or something like that. I can't remember what I wrote, but I never heard from her again and the effort required to type long messages using only a cell phone left me too exhausted to harass her further.

While in Dallas, I stopped by Kami's house in the exclusive golf/ski lake community where she and Roger Staubach both live, but when I rang her bell a tiny voice which sounded remarkably like hers said from behind the closed door, "Kami isn't home. Go away, you creepy weirdo."

So, having missed Kami, I had to go on to Fort Worth. I'm thinking I might try again on the way home, or maybe just pick a random neighbor and visit them instead. I do that sometimes. In fact, I did that on New Year's Eve once when a guy I didn't like was throwing a party and I didn't want to go, but I didn't want to not go to ANY party, so I went to the house next door to his and partied with them instead. They didn't know who I was, but everyone there simply assumed I must be with someone else they know, so it was all good. Plus, they gave me wine, wheras he was a pussy and had no alcohol of any kind at his so-called "party." Bleah.


Anyway, my hotel room gives me a lovely view of a Chicken express sign. It's fabulous. And my room is right next to the ice machine, so you know I'll sleep like a colicky baby tonight.


Cheers!

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Bridget Moynahan Nude Brings the World To My Doorstep

Do you remember some time ago when I posted an article entitled "Bridget Moynahan" and admitted that I only did it to bring in hits from people searching for naked photos of her, which I did not have?

Yes?


Bridget Moynahan
No, of course you don't. Anyway, I did. And now that I have Sitemeter and can actually see what searches bring people to my blog, I see that it actually worked. In fact, it's still working. Yay for Bridget!

But what really amazes me is something else, another search even more popular than "Bridget Moynahan nude."

I'm getting daily hits from people searching for "Sarah Silverman nude."

I kid you not. This farting, singing, snarky girl is bigger than Bridget.

If there actually are any photos of Sarah Silverman nude then I've certainly never seen them. I've never heard about any, either.

Now that I mention it, though, I think I'll do a search and see what pops up. But you know, it's just going to lead me right back to my own blog.

Sarah Silverman

- amateur gynecologist -


- delicate flower -


- nude photo search champion -

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Thursday Things To Think About - Gay? Buying a House?

OK, so I was over at Krista's blog, Oceanaria, and this Google ad popped up for me to read while I was writing a comment about what a great photographer and how beautiful Krista is - "Gay? Time to buy a home?"

So let me get this straight, here, I'm white and male and hetero, so that means if I prefer to do business with whites then I'm supposed to be a racist. If I prefer to do business with men then I'm supposed to be a sexist. If I prefer to do business with heteros then I'm supposed to have some irrational fear of homosexuals that can only be diagnosed by screaming political activists who openly hate men, Jesus Christ, and America, for reasons never fully explained.

But if everyone else does it, that's fine.

I have a post about this that I've been shoving around in draft for about 6 months. I listed nearly a hundred businesses that advertise as being for women only, for blacks only, for gays only, and somehow I'm supposed to be OK with this even as the federal government openly discriminates against white male businesses in awarding contracts, and encourages everyone else to discriminate against white male employees and businesses through various programs and the abuse of the EEOC.

Is there anyone reading my blog who honestly can't see why this might be wrong? I mean, morally and legally wrong, and bad for the future of our entire society, as we intentionally move to destroy a significant and highly productive segment of our population for no other reason than simple bigotry and fashionable hate?

I've heard a million excuses for why this is OK, but wouldn't be OK if it were reversed. But they're all just that - excuses. You make excuses when you know you're full of shit and dead busted.

Remember the Nazis, with their fashionable hatred of the Jews, scapegoating the Jews and encouraging everyone to discriminate against them and hate them, too? If you don't know what I'm talking about, I think there is a movie about it, called "Schindler's List", that might help. Anyway, Germany did this to the Jews, just as we are today to white male heterosexuals. The Jews who foresaw where the trend was heading fled the country, mostly to the United States. Germany was at its' height of power and productivity, and threatened to dominate all of Europe with relative ease at that time. Over the following years, many of those "politically incorrect" Jews who came to America, produced amazing discoveries in medicine and technology, turning the United States into the worlds' leader in all of these areas up to this very day. Others became professors at our most elite universities, teaching our children to become great thinkers and innovators, too.

But this very day is where it's ending, as our nation cries and bitches that we need more engineers and scientists, surgeons and specialists, and most of all advanced level researchers, too few of which are being produced by our feminist, man-hating universities, where males are not welcomed and damn well know it. The misandric feminists, who increasingly control the education establishment, openly express hatred of males in their classrooms and campus-wide, with the full blessings of the U.S. Government. Our PC corporations roll over and bow to the new State Church of Misandry, even as they demand that our Congress allow them to look elsewhere for engineers, mathematicians, physicists, surgeons and research scientists, due to an odd and increasing shortage in these once popular fields - popular with male students, that is.

When was the last time you saw an ad relating to education that featured a white male face front and center, wearing a cap and gown, and looking straight into the camera? Ads for educational institutions pop up on webpages I visit all the time. I get their flyers in the mail at my house. I see them on billboards along the highway. But I haven't seen a male face, of any race, front and center, in focus, looking straight into the camera, in several years. Not even one.

Political correctness, inflated ego, narcissism, denial, and raw evil are all every bit as responsible for destroying the strongest Germany that had ever been as were the bombs dropped from American planes.

Tuesday, the latest edition of "Women's Health" Magazine arrived in the mail. My Wife threw it aside, so I picked it up. Flipping through it, as I have done with almost every issue since I bought her the subscription, I found that this months' issue considers marriage and men to be a toy for women and nothing of great significance, encourages women to marry younger men so they can control them, and says in one article, "as men become increasingly obsolete," with absolute seriousness and no apologies. I had already noticed that since a large publishing company bought Rodale Press, the company that publishes "Men's Health", everything in the magazine changed and the attitudes became oddly unmanly. It wasn't overt. It was a subtle change, a feeling that something isn't right. "Men's Health" now encourages men to worry about their hair, their clothes, their weight, and their scent, but never, ever, about any political or health issue that might be of concern to men and might require them to take action. Meanwhile, "Women's Health", which was created by this new acquiring company, has a constant subtle and sometimes not-so-subtle, attitude of hostility towards men and heterosexuality, and makes a point of encouraging women to take feminist stances on political issues. "Men's Health" requires their writers to make an effort to interview female doctors, scientists, etc and quote them in every article, while "Women's Health" goes even further, avoiding quoting any men in any article for any reason.

Why does "diversity," as defined by the PC socialists in academia, blatantly exclude white males, Asians, Indians, Jews, and Christians? How can "inclusiveness" be so exclusive?

Why are so many of these elitist White-People-Haters white people themselves? Why are so many of the misandric college professors and politicians men?

Where are we heading? Is this where we really want to go?


Never missed a flight in her life
"It's better to look ahead and prepare than to look back and regret."
Jackie-Joyner Kersee, really fast runner, but not the one with the funky fingernails and shit

"Once you say something, don't backpedal. Follow words with action."
Franklin Roosevelt, dead president and renowned egomaniac, married to first known gay first lady who eventually became the first lesbian U.S. President, although not officially

"No man, for a considerable period, can wear one face to himself, and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be true."
Nathaniel Hawthorne, writer who clearly never visited Washington, D.C.

"You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you."
Walt Disney, creator of Disney, who probably would have had a thing or two to say about the new Disney's perverted love of kicking to the crotch in every single "children's" movie

"Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The fearful are caught as often as the bold."
Helen Keller, famous blind and deaf girl, who sure played a mean pinball

"We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all that we need to make us really happy is something to be enthusiastic about."
Charles Kingsley, clergyman and rabid MapleLeafs fan, who was once accused of screaming at a referee, "you need Jesus .... to heal those blind eyes of yours!"

"No one can cheat you out of ultimate success but yourself."
Ralph Waldo Emerson, poet who never heard of the IRS


"I don't care what anyone says, I think I'd look cool with a soul patch like that ice skater guy."

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Hippie

As long as I'm admitting to being madly in love with Binsk, I might as well tell you, I stole this from her, too.

You scored as One Intelectual Individual, You're a thinker. You see things from a very different prospective than the rest of the world, and probably find release and self-expression in music, painting, scalpting, or any other form of art. People see you as a deep person, full of knowledge that they don't understand. People are attracted to that, but there's a good chance you don't care. New Age Hippie 63% One Intelectual Individual 63% Original Hippie 50% Not a Hippie 38% Earth-Child 38% Pothead 13% What type of hippie are you? created with QuizFarm.com

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Ooh, what a lucky man he was!

It appears that I'm rich like Binsk. This random internet lottery thing is great!


I Win!
Subject: Attn: Notification
Date: Fri, 18 May:56:52 -0400
From: freelottouk007@aol.co.uk
To:
THE FREELOTTO COMPANY
UK OFFICE
211, Foster road Liverpool, England
G 124MJ.

Dear Winner,
Notification of Winning

We are pleased to announce you as one of the 10 lucky winners in the Free Lotto draw held on the 27th MARCH 2007. All 10 winning addresses were randomly selected from a batch of 50,000,000 international emails. Your email address emerged alongside 9 others as a category 2 winner in this year\'s Annual Free Lotto Draw.
Consequently, you have therefore been approved for a total pay out of £1.000,000,00(one million pounds) only. The following particulars are attached to your lotto payment order:

(I) Winning numbers: XX-XX-XX-XX-XX-XX
(ii) email ticket number: XXXXX/XX/XX
(iii) lotto code number: XX#####XX
(iv) Ref number: XX/XX/XXXXXXXXX/XX

Please contact the under listed claims officer as soon as possible for the immediate release of your winnings:
Mr.Nikolaos Kanakis
Client Service Manager
Blue-Sky Consulting U.K
(Event Managers & Consultants)
Email: enquiriesuklottery2007@walla.com

N.B: Winnings not acknowledged and claimed within one week of notification will be void.
Please quote your Reference number in all correspondence with the claims officer.

Winners must send their names, address, telephone number and means of identification to claim officer, via email or fax, to process the immediate payment of your prize.
Once again on behalf of all our staff,

CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Sincerely,
Julia Simson (Mrs.)
Promotions
Manager
The Free lotto company
UK & Europe.
-------------------------------------------------
The Free Lotto Awards is proudly sponsored by the Microsoft Corporation, the Intel Group, and Toshiba, Dell computers, Mackintosh and a conglomeration of other international IT companies.
The free lotto internet draw is held once in a year and is so organized to encourage the use of the internet and computers worldwide.
We are proud to say that over 200 Million Euros are won annually in more than 150 countries worldwide.

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A Meme, A Tag

The Rules:

* Players start with 8 random facts about themselves.
* Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts.
* Players should tag eight other people and notify them that they have been tagged.

The eight:

* I went to 3 proms while in high school. One was with a girl I didn't even know. One was with a girl I thought I was in love with. One ended with lots of drunkenness, my date fighting with her ex-boyfriend, and no sex.
* My Wife is so sick of looking at houses that she's almost ready to just grab the first one that doesn't completely suck. I am just frustrated and tired.
* If I could date one celebrity I have no idea who it would be. I'm finally reaching the point where I look at the latest news photos of hot young celebrities and I go "who the hell is that?" But really, I don't even care who it is. Give me Kate Beckinsale for a night and I'll be happy.
* One of my teammates on the track team back in high school was killed on his way to a big track meet. The whole team, including me, went to his funeral. He was buried in his track uniform. I couldn't run after that without seeing his face in his coffin. I quit running not long after that and didn't start back for a long time.
* If I had to choose one thing above all else that attracts me to a woman, it would be laughing when I fart. I have to say, if she isn't going to enjoy it then we're in trouble, 'cause I know I'm going to eventually. And I'm going to laugh when I do. In fact, the more inappropriate the location, the funnier it'll be to me. Put me in a tux at some formal something or other and give me one good ripper and I'm a happy man. Let me blame it on some snotty person standing nearby and I'm in Heaven.
* I once was on TV for a Jerry Lewis Telethon when me and my best friends brought in a bunch of money we had collected. I was introduced as "Steven King." Thanks Jerry, I really appreciated you fucking up my 15 seconds of fame.
* I can swap out a camshaft, a crankshaft, all of your pistons, I can pull your transmission and put it back in, I can change a timing chain, I can find viruses on your computer, I can install as many kinds of internet browsers as you want to have, I can set the clock on your VCR, I can tape your show, I can do your brakes, I can access your email to tell you how to view the attachments, but please stop asking me to diagnose your computer problems over the telephone.
* I want to start my own business, get rich, and move to Australia. There is nothing about Memphis that I will miss.

And now, to tag 8 other bloggers. I have no idea who to tag. Let me think.

I tag:

Stacy the Peanut Queen
Binsk
The Kept Woman
Kami and the Dallas Ks
Gary K Wray
Dixie
ForWhatIt'sWorth
It'sTheLittleThings


There, all done!

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Waste Of Space Monday - Politically Correct Crime

Knoxville Sexual Mutilation/Rape/Double Murder

Evil doesn't begin to describe them
On January 6th, 2007, Knoxville, Tennessee, students Christopher Newsom, Jr., 23 years old, and his girlfriend, Channon Christian, 21 years old, went out for dinner on a date at a restaurant, and then headed to a friend's house to watch a movie. They never arrived.

When the couple failed to show up by the following morning, their parents called the police. Police found Christopher Newsom's body near some railroad tracks in East Knoxville that afternoon, but Channon Christian was still missing. A trace on Channon's cell phone led police to her abandoned vehicle the following day, and fingerprints from an envelope inside the vehicle led police to the home of 25 year old Lemaricus Devall "Slim" Davidson, where they found Channon's body wrapped in a blanket and stuffed in a trash can.

The details of the crime as they emerged are horrific. 5 carjackers pulled Channon and Christopher from Channon's vehicle at gunpoint. They tied and blindfolded the couple and took them to Davidson's home where they all took turns raping Christoper in front of Channon. Then, they cut Christopher's penis off. They then shot him several times. Then they set him on fire. Once he was completely burned, they threw his body alongside the railroad tracks.

Now that Christopher was dead and gone, these 5 Rainbow-Pony children of high self-esteem turned their attention to Channon. For the next 2 days, they beat her, gang-raped her as they had first done to Christopher, peed on her, cut off one of her breasts, and then poured bleach down her throat just for fun. Then, as they had done when finished with Christopher, they shot her several times, and set her on fire.

Instead of dumping Channon's remains near the railroad tracks as they had done with Christopher, they wrapped her in a blanket and stuffed her in a trash can in Lemaricus' home, where they left her.

The five politically correct, politically protected, and virtually anonymous (due to NO media coverage of their hate-crimes) criminals have since been arrested and charged. They are Lemaricus Davidson, his brother, Letalvis "Rome" Cobbins, George Geovonni "Detroit" Thomas, Eric DeWaye "E" Boyd, and Vanessa Coleman.

Lemaricus, Letalvis, and George, have all been indicted on 46 counts each: 16 counts of felony murder, 2 counts of premeditated murder, 2 counts of especially aggravated robbery, 4 counts of especially aggravated kidnapping, 20 counts of aggravated rape, and 2 counts of theft.

Vanessa Coleman, 18 years old, has been indicted on 40 counts: 12 counts of felony murder, 1 count of premeditated murder, 1 count of especially aggravated robbery, 4 counts of especially aggravated kidnapping, 20 counts of aggravated rape, and 2 counts of theft.

Eric Boyd, 34, was not indicted and faces federal charges only as an accessory after the fact.

It's worth noting that they face NO CHARGES for cutting of Christopher's penis while he was still alive, or for cutting off Channon's breast while she was also still alive. I believe most people would think that these acts of pure sexual hatred warrant a separate and severe charge as well, but apparently it is no crime in the State of Tennessee to sexually mutilate someone. It should be.

Almost no one outside of the city of Knoxville has heard about this crime. Many people are complaining that this is because of anti-white racism in the media. People are also furious that no hate-crime charges have been filed, even as the Duke Lacrosse players were told that if found guilty of rape, they would be charged with a hate crime. Apparently molesting a black girl is far worse than doing all of this to any white person, in the eyes of Washington, D.C.

Whether or not the charges that the press is racist are true, and whether or not the charges that the Feds are racists in their refusal to charge these pigs with a hate crime, I do not know. All I know is that they are the scum of the Earth and should be put to death as soon as possible.

I also know that this won't happen, because there is no justice and there will be no peace.


Channon Christian and Christopher Newsome

Incidentally, a black "reverend" in Knoxville, when commenting on the outrage at the criminals not being charged with a hate crime, cursed the white couple and said they were probably just looking for drugs and became victims of the street. He said they deserved it. If I find his name again, I'll add him to the "Waste of Space" list.

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I'm A Cult Icon In A Speedo

Cult Icon Hasselhoff You are Hasselhoff, the Cult Icon. You revel in your enigmatic and confusing popularity � moreso in the positive aspects of it than the confusing or unclear parts. You are the shining star of the world: more specifically, of Germany. Someday, you will be featured in a ticker-tape parade. Someday! Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Apparently I love the sound of my own voice ...er ... keyboard, because even though I have nothing going on in my life worth blogging about, I just keep on typing. Sorry for that. I guess I'm afraid that if I stop talking, you will all go home and forget me. And then I'll be alone again. In Memphis. Where everyone is crazy and stupid.

So, random thoughts that popped into my head as I was sitting at my desk first thing this morning reading over the news ...


There's an article about a man in Connecticut who was wrongly convicted of rape and sent to prison for 18 years. They just now figured out that they had the wrong man, if in fact any man at all was involved, and so they've let him out. The state legislature, in a surprisingly generous move considering how feminist Connecticut is, voted to give him $5 million for his troubles, which include being beaten and raped in prison every day for 18 years. He was even wearing a cross when they talked to him and still they didn't spit on him or anything. Shocking. Just goes to show you that you never know how life is going to throw a curve every now and then, but usually the curve breaks towards your groin.

There's a story at the top of the AP: Top Stories list with the headline "Giuliani, Edwards report income." Yeah, very exciting. Except that I could care less. They both make way too much, which is way more than I'll ever have, so fuck'em both for that. Jealous much? You betcha!

The U.S. Senate, now controlled by the Democrats, are renewing their call for Gonzales' head. The problem is, he didn't do anything wrong and they can't seem to catch anyone associated with him misremembering anything, so they can't even imprison any of the peons for the "crime" of not remembering exactly. Witch hunt, anyone? Confess your sin and we'll go easy on you.

The daughter of Martin Luther King Jr died at the same time as Jerry Falwell. Leftists are throwing wild celebrations at the death of Reverend Falwell even as they continue to lament the death of their beloved Che Guevara and ignore King's daughter. As for the rest of us, life goes on relatively unaffected by any of it.

New York just passed gay marriage by judicial fiat. It's apparently all just a game. All laws are meaningless if no one holds judges accountable. I wonder who I have to bribe to get myself appointed as a federal judge? It sounds like fun.

Bleh! I don't want to talk about serious news. I'm scrolling down to the more interesting news stories .... hang on ....



Ah, here we go. "Mom drives son to rob jewelry store." Now there's a great mom! She just wants to see her boy get ahead in the world. And also, he couldn't afford to buy her anything for Mother's Day because his child support and alimony payments leave him utterly penniless. So, I guess from their point of view, if it's OK to rob him then it's OK for him to rob someone else, eh? Sure. Whatever. Works for me. I'm not a big fan of jewelry anyway.

Some highly artistic murderers in Tijuana Mexico murdered a man and then wrapped him in Christmas wrapping paper. This is so much more creative than the typical daily murders here in Memphis. They just shoot them and then run them over with their own cars in Memphis. Or sometimes they just throw their bodies into a ditch alongside the road, like they did with a 17-year-old girl earlier this week. Gotta love them Mexicans. They sure know how to kill a person with flair.

A Canadian girl, hitchhiking while looking for a man to rob, stole an old man's car after he gave her a ride, but then crashed it into a tree a few minutes later and died. That makes me laugh. Oh you wacky Canadians! Hey, anyone remember "Pee Wee's Big Adventure", where he impressed a gang of bikers so much that they gave him a motorcycle so he could continue his quest, and he rode off straight into a sign and crashed? That was some funny shit!

Hey, they don't mess around in Spain. A bank in Madrid repossessed a house after the owner failed to make payments. Then they immediately resold it. The new owners discovered the reason that the previous owner had failed to make the payments. She was dead inside the house, mummified even.


Ophelia "crackhead" Ford
Oooh, I nearly nearly forgot a news story from right here in Memphrica, since it isn't covered in any national headlines. Remember how I occasionally wrote about the crazed and corrupt Ford family here in Memphis? John Ford is on trial for corruption and was already convicted on one count. Tamara Mitchell Ford went to jail and got her ass beat, Paris Hilton style, and then whined about it on the TV news while the reporters laughed. And Ophelia Ford bitched and moaned that her family wouldn't "give" her a seat in the state senate "because she's a woman." And when they did "give" it to her, and she got busted for voter fraud, she complained that the government only busted her "because she's black." And now, once again sitting on her throne in the state senate, crack pipe in hand, she's gone totally apeshit crazy in front of the entire legislature and TV news cameras. She went off on a tirade that made no sense to anyone, bragging about her ties to the funeral industry where dead voters are found, and sounding like the lunatic "diva" she is. It was hilarious. I mean, honestly, all you can do is laugh. She'll get re-elected again and again now that she's got the graveyards on her side. Apparently, in Memphis anyway, once a person dies, they automatically become a die-hard Democrat and vote that way from then on. It's true!


Oh, and Wednesday night on CBS, as usual, all the bad guys were white males. I didn't even pay attention to "Criminal Minds" or "CSI NY" because it's no longer even remotely fun. I did glance over long enough to notice that Montana and whatshisface, Andy or whatever, jumped into bed together. My Wife said "YAY!" She likes Montana. I had to tape "Medium" so I haven't seen it yet. I think I may have missed last week's episode because from the ads for last night's show I didn't know what the heck was going on.

Hey, did you see the finale of "CSI" last night? Talk about finally showing a little creative talent! Who expected that? Then again, how the hell were we supposed to figure it out since they didn't introduce the character prior to last night's show? Either way, it was a welcomed change of pace. I had started to fall asleep during all the CBS crime shows because that whole "the white male did it" has been getting SO OLD.

Anyway, it's My Wife's birthday and I was supposed to have bought her a car by now. But then she put me off because we're looking at houses. This is the first time ever that I don't have her a present or even a card on her birthday. She says she doesn't care because she knows she's getting one of the two and possibly both, but I still care. I can't believe I don't even have her a card. I've got to find something up to the standard I've set over the years, which is high, and somehow find it here in Boondocks during my lunch hour. I think they have all of 2 stores that MIGHT sell cards and that's it. I feel so bad.

And also, I need to poop. Ugh! This came on sudden. Damn coffee diuretic!

Hey, look at this ...


Boobies!
I love me some good boobies. OK, impromptu poll here: are they real or fake? Vote in the comments 'cause I'm in a hurry and can't throw a poll together right now.

I wrote this yesterday, so if I seem unusually erratic in this post it's because I've combined two days' worth of erratic into one horrific monstrosity. Is anyone still reading this? Man, the poop is pressing its' advantage. But I'm a strong man and I can hold it until I'm done here. Yes, I can!

There is a remake of the old show "The Bionic Woman" coming out on NBC. When I heard about it, I rolled my eyes. It's just more ego in expensive clothes. Ugh! But then I saw a photo of the girl who is going to play her.


Is her Hu-Hu bionic?
OK, now I'm interested! I know, I know, it's going to be REALLY lame, like "Xenia," with lots of scenes of women beating up men and all but pissing on them while they're down, but even so, this girl is HOT. I'm betting the show will be horrifically lame, but do well in the ratings anyway.

OK, one last thing and then I'll go. They've opened a nude car wash in Brisbane, Australia. There's apparently a huge drought there and people are forbidden to wash their own cars. So you have to go to an approved recycled water car wash in order to get your car clean. Some ingenious entrepreneur combined his strip club business with his car wash business and came up with an X-rated car wash. Man, I LOVE Australia!


Cleanliness is next to godliness

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Senator Opehalia Ford Demonstrating the Effects of Crack on Legislators

The infamous Ophelia Ford, allegedly elected by dead people's votes, having a mental meltdown in the Tennessee State Senate.

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Thursday Things To Think About

Like a Virgin, touched for the very first time

"Companies should trust people to work at home more. Commuting kills so much time and energy that could be spent creating."
- Richard Branson, wealthy Virgin and all around genius

"To believe in something, and not to live it, is dishonest."
- Mahatma Gandhi, world's most famous person named 'Mahatma'

"The world is a dangerous place, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it."

- Albert Einstein, one smart motherfucker!


"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen."
- Winston Churchill, most famous British leader ever named after a brand of cigarettes

"The big will not beat the small anymore. It will be the fast beating the slow."
- Rupert Murdoch, man who gave us "Married With Children" and that sexy Kelly Bundy

"Wealth depends chiefly on two words, industry and frugality; that is, waste neither time nor money, but make the best use of both."
- Benjamin Franklin, founding party animal, lover of French women, risk taker, unintentional father of The Taser

"I've never been poor, only broke. Being poor is a frame of mind. Being broke is only a temporary situation."
- Mike Todd, movie man I never heard of

"Neither should a ship rely on one small anchor nor should life rest on a single hope."
- Epictetus, philosopher with a most unfortunate name

"Formula for success: Underpromise and overachive."
- Tom Peters, author of great porn or something

"Don't find fault. Find a remedy."
- Henry Ford, manufacturer who is today rolling in his grave at his family's politics

"Time is the scarcest resource, and unless it is managed nothing else can be managed."
- Peter Drucker, freakin' genius who wrote a bunch of books I need to finish reading


Even while dead he's still smarter than most of today's CEOs

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Tragedy

A little humor courtesy of my good friend Stacy the Peanut Queen.


The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we would call a great loss. " The room goes silent. No other children volunteered.

Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!"

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Totally Tangential Tuesday

Anal Rape ala SUV
My whole body doesn't feel right these past few days. And as I write this I have a strange pain in my chest. I'm supposed to go to the gym and do squats today, so if I'm having a heart attack and it doesn't kill me before doing squats, then the squats will finish me off for sure. So, this may be my final post should I happen to die today. Just thought you should know in case I should drop off the face of the Earth, like Steph the Attention Whore or Avery the Aussie.

I have a new stress at work, I mean, a new project, and it's a big one, so my thoughts are primarily on that. Also, nothing else exciting is happening in my so-called life at the present time, so I'm just flipping through the news and commenting on what I think I see and my knee-jerk reaction. I probably won't bother to read the actual story and learn any details, so if you think I'm an idiot who clearly misunderstands what the story is actually about, then fuck you because you're probably right.

Apparently the U.S. and the Russians have agreed to "tone down the rethoric." What?! What does that even mean? Are we doing to start calling each other "poophead" instead of "imperialist" and "commie pinko faggot" from now on? Tone down the rethoric? That just means we've got our nuclear missile assembly line rolling and so do they, so we see no need for further argument. I could be wrong about this, of course, so don't go having a coronary just because Memphis Steve said we're about to nuke each other. Keep in mind that I haven't had my coffee yet and I nearly fell asleep on the toilet while pooping this morning. It's true. I nearly laid out in the floor unconscious because I'm so tired.


RAAAAAH!
They're pushing gay marriage again in Connecticut. I spent a year in Connecticut one week and let me tell you, the only state that is almost as gay as Massachusetts is Connecticut. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Memphis, San Francisco and New York City have the largest homosexual populations in the world." Yes, that's true, but I'm talking about the whole state. Connecticut is like a giant summer camp for lesbians, some relatively nice and some pure sexist evil. Let me just tell you, don't ever stare at a lesbian's Harley in Connecticut. They get all pissed off about it. Actually, they get all pissed off about any man being anywhere near them for any reason, but especially if they catch you staring at their motorcycle. But that's another story. So anyway, the only men there are navy men stationed at "rotten" Groton, and they aren't too happy about it, either. It's considered one of the worst places for a young single male to be stationed, and is a large part of the reason my foolish brother-in-law ended up married to a bleached-blonde trailer park girl from South Georgia after meeting her once and then talking to her on the phone for maybe a month or two. And boy is he sorry now.


Little Bunny FooFoo hopping off to jail
I heard on the news this morning that Paris Hilton is truly and genuinely stressed about going to jail. They said she's taking a self-defense class to help her fight off the bulldykes who might want to stick things inside her. I thought Paris liked having total strangers stick things inside her. Isn't there some video out there of Paris having random people stick things inside her? I haven't bothered to watch it, but I hear it's on the net somewhere. Anyway, I think she's going to have to worry about getting past the black girls first, and the bulldykes after that. I only know what I've seen and heard of the female inmates in Memphis, but based on that, I'm thinking someone named Shanekqua is sharpening her fingernails right this minute in anticipation of Paris arriving in her cell block. I'll bet Paris finds herself RUNNING to the bulldykes, begging for protection in exchange for sticking whatever they can find inside her if that's what turns them on. Anyway, that's only going to happen if she actually goes to jail, which may not happen, and if they actually put her in with the general population of prisoners, which also may not happen. We'll just have to wait and see. I wonder if Fox has secured the rights to film this and make it Paris' next reality TV show?


I just kicked Paris' ass
They're saying that Miami has won the "rude driver" contest for the United States. I know many of you will probably want a recount, especially those of you in Dade-County who are too dumb to realize that this means you won, idiots. But as for me, I don't see a problem with these results. I don't believe that Memphis has the most "rude drivers". No, not at all. Memphis has the most idiotic drivers. We have the nation's biggest, most narcissistic, pinheaded, retarded, cell-phone-talking morons. I think the only city I might expect to give us a battle in this category is perhaps Los Angeles, but seeing as none of their drivers are in this country legally, I believe Memphis will win by technicality.

Apparently it has been decided that the French are the world's biggest whiners. That's "whingers" for those of you in the UK and Australia, because you people can't spell. But we love your women and so we forgive you. Anyway, getting back to the story, I'll accept that the French are the worlds biggest whiners/whingers/babies, but I'm pretty sure that America is coming up hard at number 2. I could be wrong, but I don't think so.


France wins again!
Did you hear the news about Australia? They say they have an overpopulation of kangaroos and so they need to mow down about 3,000 of them with machine guns and Land Rovers. I am a grown man and thus realize that there may be a very legitimate need for this, but it sure does cut against the grain of the world's soft and fluffy image of Australia, doesn't it? Can you imagine the tourists' faces as they stand there with their kids, "Look Jimmy, a field filled with kangaroos!" "YAY!" And then out come the machine guns - down go the kangroos, in a scene straight out of a Vietnam flashback. "NOOOOOO!" Little Jimmy will be scarred for life. PETA will no doubt race down there to stand amongst the kangaroos in the nude. And while they're doing this, crowding in amongst the kangaroo herds, the kangaroos are going to kick the living shit out of them, because contrary to what some people think, wild animals have a tendency to be mean when confronted with naked morons who stand too close, even when those naked morons are PETA morons trying to save the animals from machine guns and Land Rovers.


Thank God I'm a wallaby and not a kangaroo

Scientists have discovered what they label "ancestors of humans" which were apparently not very smart. This is somehow news, the belief that humans may have had some really stupid ancestors. I don't think this is news. I think they've just dug up a Memphis graveyard by mistake.

In Lithuania, there seems to be a conflict between the morals of the people who actually live there and the religious and political agenda of wealthy Europeans who think that joining the European Union means that Europe has effectively purchased your country and can shove whatever they want to down your throat. The bus drivers are refusing to drive their buses because the buses have been plastered with European Union government ads promoting homosexuality. I think it's interesting to see that even as Americans lay down and surrender, people in smaller, weaker countries are standing up and saying "no."

A genius in New York landed himself in the hospital after getting shot. It was his own fault, it turns out, as he was placing bullets in a vice and whacking them with a hammer, Bugs Bunny style. He said he was "emptying" the casings so he could sell the brass for scrap. The bullets intact were actually worth more money than the empty brass casings. A local scrap yard said they would only pay about $1.70 per pound for them and he only had a few pounds. So basically this rocket scientist wasted 100 rounds of ammunition and shot himself for about $5. I'm sure that will just about cover his medical bills, though, don't you think?

This last story is for Kami, Mrs. Dallas K. A Dallas Texas man was just caught after stealing a tractor trailer containing $250,000 worth of Skittles. He said he just wanted the wheels and tires off the truck, but seven of the twenty eight pallets of Skittles the truck contained are missing. The person who has them is still at large. Somewhere in Texas there is a thief having one hell of a sugar high.


Golden Globes

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Now Everybody Change Partners

Another good one courtesy of Stacy the Peanut Queen.



A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence,' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me, and I'm celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the man.

As they clinked glasses, the farmer asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologists told me that I'm pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile ?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence."


"What a coincidence ..."

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BlogPatrol Sucks Ass

I have a quick question. My blog counter and blog tracking provider is BlogPatrol. They've been totally fucked up for the past 6 months or more and as a result I haven't been able to see anything concerning my own blog in all that time. I need to dump them and go with something better. What do you use to see who is coming to your blogs and what search terms they're using? I need to switch.

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Mental Diarrhea and Boobs

Great Googly Moogly!
I have to go out of town later this month. I asked Kami if I can stay with her while I'm in Dallas. She said it would be OK if I promised not to wet the bed or walk around the house naked. I said I can't make any promises as to that. So I think I may be staying at the Hilton or something. They didn't ask about bed wetting, so I'm good to go until check-out time at least. They didn't mention public nudity, so I'm assuming it's OK.

Speaking of Hilton, I still don't care if Paris goes to jail or not. I still don't care if she's got herpes or not. I still don't care if there's some porn video of her having sex on the internet somewhere. I just don't care about Paris. I do think that if she doesn't shut up about wanting to get out of it then they won't be able to slip her out of doing the entire sentence and she'll end up stuck with the full 45 days are whatever.

I saw a South Park episode last night in which they made fun of her. It was hilarious. She inspired all the little girls in South Park to aspire to be spoiled hos. And in the end there was a Whore Off between Mr. Slave and Paris. She stuffed an entire pineapple up her hu hu and then Mr. Slave defeated her by stuffing HER up his butt. I laughed so hard I started coughing. And then My Wife just looked at me and said, "you watch weird crap."

In news more interesting than Paris doing porn or me wetting Kami's bed, some drunk girl climbed into a giraffe's cage and got the living crap kicked out of her. Luckily for her all she got was a broken collar bone. Did you ever watch the Lord of the Rings movie, the third one, Return of the King, when the Riders of Rohan are trying to take on the Oliphants at the big battle in front of Minius Tirith? Yeah, a drunk girl taking on an angry giraffe is probably a lot like that. Except that she didn't have on armor or a sword or anything cool like that. And the giraffe probably didn't have some guy with a painted face driving from atop his head. Either way, same situation. I wonder if anyone caught it on video?

A possibly even more interesting news story is the motorists in Israel driving around the dead body of an accident victim and not stopping to check on him or see if they can help in any way. I recall a story in the Bible about this very thing. Well, it wasn't about an accident victim. I mean, obviously there are no cars or motorcycles in the Bible, but it was basically the same situation. Some guy had been beaten and robbed along side the road and people just walked around him and ignored his situation. Nothing has really changed in 2000 years, it would seem. Except that now we have cell phones.

In Taiwan, their legislators have become in the habit of breaking into spontaneous matches of Ultimate Fighting over various political issues. I know this isn't a good thing, but can you imagine how popular C-Span would become if our Congress occasionally threw down and started slugging it out? How much would you give to see your least favorite member of Congress get punched square in the face on TV? The ratings would go through the roof. Besides making Congress more interesting, it would also make that whole idea of electing people like Jesse Ventura and Arnold Schwarzenegger seem like a much better idea.


Bolivia, Brazil, and Peru
3 places I'd love to visit for a few minutes
The president of HBO was just fired because he was arrested on "suspicion of assault" relating to his girlfriend. In other words, no one knows if he did or didn't assault his girlfriend, but the mere suggestion of it is enough for him to be fired immediately. If this isn't the Victorian era all over again, now renamed the Oprah era, then I don't know what is. Worst of all, if he were a woman accused of murdering his husband, not only would he not be fired, but instead he'd be celebrated and the entire corporation would rally around him/her. There's no need to know any facts. All they need to know is the sex.

In random assorted headlines, an Australian study claims to prove that fathers are more to blame for their kids' obesity than mothers. I'd like to know, in light of the obesity epidemic and recent headlines proudly celebrating the recent predominance of single mother households, how this is even possible? More households have no fathers at all than have them, and yet somehow even though they've been discarded they are still blamed for the fat, depressed kids living with their ex-wives? Again, it's the Oprah era. Even being absent or dead doesn't shield men from a torrent of blame.

"I'm the REAL victim!"

Hey, whatever, fatso.


Hey hey, we're the Monkees. People say we monkey around!
BOOM!
Phil Spector is still in the news. Apparently this rich and powerful music producer has a habit of pulling guns on his girlfriends. I've never met this guy in person or anything, but I'm guessing he's just a tiny little dude. Otherwise, what's with all the insane fear of his own girlfriends that he has to pull a gun on them? Are they armed, too, or something? Why does he need a gun for every girlfriend he ever had? Maybe he should date less violent women or something. Why is he so incredibly scared of them all? Maybe they're all blackbelts and they break up his furniture while screaming "KiYA!" I could see how that would be scary. But he could just break up with them, couldn't he? Oh wait, I forgot. In America you don't break up or get a divorce. You just SHOOT THEM. And then you get a lawyer and a nice dress and declare yourself to be the real victim. Well, Phil has lately been wearing pink pantsuits and an old Peter Tork wig, but I expect he'll go all out and show up in that dress any day now.

But he's still going to prison.

Perhaps he could do community service as the anti-drug spokesman? "Hi, I'm Phil Spector. I'm living proof that drugs make you paranoid as hell and can sometimes lead to crazed violence and bad fashion sense."

And there's a headline about the Pope opposing abortion. Who didn't know this already? Why is this so hard to comprehend? Is it a surprise to someone, somewhere? Why is it a headline? What will they have as a headline tomorrow, "Rosie O'Donnell admits she's gay!" Yeah, you think I'm joking, but I wouldn't put it past them.

Griffith Park in Los Angeles caught fire and burned up. Apparently the Cinco de Mayo crowd got sick of making big old doobies out of the American flag and decided to try to smoke the leaves on the bushes directly.

In Washington D.C., where gay black Baby Boomers rule with an iron fist, they're loosening restrictions on elderly drivers. Who didn't see this coming? As the Baby Boomers get older and older we're increasingly told that old isn't really old and that everyone else just drives too fast and needs to slow down. It isn't old people who are the problem. No, it's all those damn punks up on the sidewalks getting in the way of their cars!

Some alleged Republicans in Congress, trying to get a guest spot on Larry King Live and maybe a little poontang from the young girls at the local hotspot, are turning on Bush over Iraq. This reminds me of an old play by Shakespeare that we all had to make a speech from. "I come not to praise Caesar, but to bury him."

Et tu, Brute?

For Brutus is an honorable man.


Paris, honey, you look so pale. You need to get some sun
There's also a headline about Republican Mitt Romney calling super-racist Al Sharpton a "bigot." It's taken all these years for anyone in authority to finally stand up and call Al Sharpton a bigot, but it's finally happened. And do you know WHY Mitt is calling Grand Dragon Al a bigot? Because Al said that "those who really believe in God will defeat" Mitt Romney. Mitt is a Mormon, and he took this comment to mean that Al is critical of Mormonism. Yeah, all these years we've been waiting for someone who claims to be a leader in this country to stand up to Al "racist" Sharpton and call him on his bigotry and racism, and when it finally happens it's this. Sooooo disappointing.

Anyway, that's my mental diarrhea for today. Not much is going on. I've got a lot of work to do. Next week promises to pick up the pace and get even rougher, so I'm posting when I can, but don't get upset if I'm in and out, OK? I'm pushed for time.

---

And now .... my comments about last night's episode of "My Name Is Earl." If you haven't watched it yet then you may not want to read any further because I'm giving a few things away.


2 years?!

I loved the giant reel-to-reel tape recordings of Earl on the phone to 911 while Joy was going psycho.

I loved the walkie talkies tuned to channel 9, the emergency channel, so they could talk about the goofy stuff they say before falling asleep. I loved Randy saying 'goodnight' to everyone including channel 9, before finally getting off of it, like he was on the Waltons.

I loved the way Crabman's hair droops when he's depressed.

I had been worried that Jaime Pressly was leaving the show, so I'm relieved she's not in jail. But I didn't expect Earl to go to prison.

I loved that Earl's cellmate is the crazy guy who played Phoebe's brother on 'Friends', and Memphis' brother on "Gone in 60 Seconds", and that he's already gotten Earl into trouble.

If My Wife hadn't been on the computer I would have jumped on the live chat with Joy and Randy and one of the show's writers. I did the chat after the finale of "Las Vegas" and it was fun. Molly Sims is awesome.

---

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