Wifeisms - Helpful Paper Girl

My wife was walking through the garage, out to her car in the driveway early this morning. I was standing at the kitchen door, waving goodbye to her. She walked past the car and down to the end of the driveway, bending down and picking up my paper.

She turned and began walking back towards me. As she did she swung the paper underhanded and flung it.

I watched as the paper went up and up, disappearing from my view above the garage. I could see my wife watching it. Then she made an "uh oh" face.

"Did you just throw my paper on the roof?" I asked her.

"Yes," she replied. "I was trying to be helpful." Then she smiled, got into the car, and drove off.

At least her intentions were good, if not her aim.

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Why?

Why, Why, Why???

from an email Pam sent me

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Because, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you

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My Hottest Fan

Who is this mysterious person?

And another one

don't show this to the kids

Melissa Midwest? Melissa Lincoln?

I plead the Fifth!

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FYF - The Sun is Shining

Fuck You Friday

It's another Fuck You Friday.

Spring is pretending to have arrived early.
No one wants to sit inside reading 30 minutes of news headlines.
Not even me.
So I've managed to make this one shorter.

---

Gay couples get licenses in N.J.

And now, for the first time ever, they can vote! No wait, they already could do that. In fact, they could already do every single thing that everyone else could already do.

McCain: Rumsfeld was one of the worst

.. Scrabble players in history. That McCain, he’s a big fanatic about that Scrabble!

Bush: fixing health care is "urgent priority"

Which would seem to indicate that he thinks it’s broken, wouldn’t it? Why would he say something like this? Is he really that stupid?



Clinton urges start of Iraq pullout in 90 days

By all means, let us surrender as fast as possible to show our enemies how sorry we are for crushing them after our nation was attacked. Funny thing is, when Clinton was president we didn’t surrender or race to pull out of anywhere. Except Somalia. Remember Black Hawk Down? Anyway, we still have troops in all of the places that Clinton attacked. Hey, remember when Japan attacked Pearl Harbor, so President Roosevelt attacked Germany? Yeah? Think about that for a minute.

New heart guidelines for women stress aspirin

First, this is really old information. Second, notice there are no new heart guidelines for men because they haven’t spent a dime on health research for males since 1996 when a Republican-controlled Congress thought it’d be cute to just cut off all males from health care advances entirely. Ha ha, it was all a joke. And now the Democrats control Congress. Who’s laughing now, funny boys?

High cholesterol raises stroke risk healthy women

But not healthy men because ... say it with me ... no men were permitted to participate in the study.

International study finds new autism genetic links

That’s awesome, but could you hurry up, please? Perhaps some of the trillions of dollars going towards breast cancer research could be better spent here? This problem does seem to be growing in leaps and bounds while the entire country focuses entirely on breasts. Not that breasts aren’t fascinating, but still ….

Dominican prostitutes test AIDS vaccine

Now you know at some point they’re going to be accusing someone of being Nazis and suing the shit out of them for testing a vaccine on minority prostitutes, regardless of the outcome, right? Who doesn’t see this coming?

Mummified body found in front of blaring TV

Remember when Mtv was new and you would just sit and stare for hours at all those weird-assed videos all day long? Yes, I am old enough to remember that. It’s a wonder this didn’t happen back then.

Anglican Communion wants U.S. action in gay row

Remember when the United States was considered a shining city on a hill, with faith in God and Mom and apple pie and all that? Yeah? Well now we’re considered a big, gay, head-shaving, pantiless, narcissistic whore who does way too much meth and can’t get its’ shit together. Foreigners around the world have begun referring to Americans as "Britney".

Watchdog says drug prices "grave problem"

It’s not the prices that are the problem, Mr Political Science Major. It’s the fact that it costs too damned much to research them, get them through all the FDA hurdles, and then finally get them out on the market for the brief period that your patent is in force before everyone else gets to cash in our your hard work. Ah, I’m wasting my breath here. There are those who ‘get’ math and those who just can’t.

Math anxiety saps working memory needed to do math

If it weren’t for this, there would never have even been socialism because Karl Marx would have realized how full of shit that whole thing really is. Alas, he couldn’t count.

Multifaceted attack on truancy can save kids

If they cared anything at all about saving kids they’d stop busing the bad kids to the good schools while sending the good kids all the way to the other side of town to the bad schools where they get attacked, raped, robbed, and murdered.

N.M. orders 500 talking urinal cakes

It’s for a program of calculated harassment based entirely on sex. I can’t think of a better set-up to a class-action lawsuit, but you know it won’t happen because the victims are the “wrong” sex. So instead they’ll be reporting on men getting arrested for throwing these things into the trash. All the while, we’ll be expected to be outraged at them for daring to toss out the source of the harassment. Oh sure, it’ll START with drunk driving messages, but I guarantee before the year is out it’ll be changed into misandric feminazi sermons about the evils of heterosexuality and men. That’s what’s been going on in mens’ bathrooms at ivy league colleges across the nation for years. That’s where this whole idea came from.

Vietnam vets rally to protect memorial

Apparently our nation’s cowardly lions and Oprah fans are rallying in Washington D.C. to protest the war. In order to prevent the Vietnam war memorial from being destroyed by these flamboyant pansies, Vietnam veterans, all elderly men now, are having to physically protect it themselves. What a pathetic nation of spoiled brats and screaming babies we have become. Nazi Germany would rule the world if it were left up to this generation of Americans to stop them. Then again, if Franklin Roosevelt were President today he’d be rounding up and imprisoning the protesters in concentration camps, which would be rather disturbing, so who can say how this Oprahfied nightmare would end? All I know is, we are a long way from being the nation that once risked all to stand against fascism.



Iran refuses to budge on UN demands

Iran knows what a corrupt and pussified organization the UN is. Hell, all terrorist nations know this because they make up the majority of nations running the UN, alongside Hollywood meth heads who are there to pose for photos and push grrl power gender supremacy. Why give in to a paper tiger when instead you can just ask them for bribes in exchange for you still not doing what they ask?

Cheney slams Iraq plan advocated by Dems

He’s not planning to run for President. He has no incentive to play nice and pretend that our military isn’t being betrayed. Also, the Democrats know that if he ever gets any of them out in the woods for a hunting trip he’ll shoot their treasonous asses. Although it may very well be entirely and genuinely by accident.



Australia looks to increase forces in Afghanistan

Australia has the benefit of a President who doesn’t care about polls or party leaders. He seems to feel that as the elected leader it is simply his job to lead. Imagine that. I wonder what that’s like?

Farrakhan to make his last major address

Following this “last major address” he’ll be replacing Isaiah Washington on “Grey’s Anatomy.”

Men-free tourism island planned

It’s a bit ironic that this is a Muslim idea, being planned out in Iran of all places. Because to be quite honest this is what many lesbians expect heaven to be like, complete with 7 vestal virgins and all that. Do you suppose the fighting men of the Middle East are simply unaware of what they may be putting together here? They are SO going to regret this.

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Tagged by RadioGirl for Find the Fake

I got tagged by the gorgeous RadioGirl to do a meme of 6 weird things about myself. But she did it differently than most people. She included one that is a fake. She left it up to us to figure out which one is the fake. So since she tagged me I'm going to do it her way and do 7 weird things about me, one of which is a total lie. You have to figure out which one is the fake.

1. When I was in the 5th grade I was the captain of the patrols. I had to walk around to every single patrol post and make sure everyone was doing their jobs and that they didn't have any problems or need help with anything. On one particular day I was out at the farthest patrol post from the school talking to patrol Tommy Garrett when we suddenly heard police sirens coming our way. Then a girl in a car came flying down the road towards us. We were standing at the corner of Todd Mill Road and Cannstatt Drive. She was hauling ass down Todd Mill and tried to make the 90 degree turn onto Cannstatt. Tommy was standing right next to the stop sign at the crosswalk where he was supposed to be, but because I was just wandering from post to post I wasn't supposed to be anywhere in particular. I was standing well down the sidewalk from the stop sign. The girl skidded around the curve onto Cannstatt and clipped the curb. When she hit the curb she slid all the way across her front seat and smashed into the passenger side door. I stood in shock as I watched this happen. She immediately reached over with her left hand and grabbed the steering wheel, turning the car towards me. She began pulling herself back over to the driver's side as she steered the car up the curb, missing me by about 6 inches, and drove past me into the field behind me. She managed to stop the car just before it plunged into a deep ditch that was there in the field. Then, without even looking back, she backed the car out of the field and down the curb, again missing me by the same 6 inches, and sped off. Apparently the police sirens had been for her.
2. When I'm making a long drive on the interstate and no one else is nearby, I'll change lanes over and over, always taking the inside lane on long curves, just to make the trip shorter. I consider it a challenge to avoid hitting any reflectors in the road as I make the lane change and pride myself on being good at it. This, as you might expect, drives My Loving Wife insane.
3. My Wife and I will have been married to each other for 10 years this summer. Even after all this time we still laugh hysterically whenever either of us lets a really good fart.
4. 2 weeks ago I was standing in my kitchen saying 'goodbye' to My Wife as she left for work. Just for her entertainment I let a fart. Only it turned out not to be just a fart. Diarrhea soon followed and I had to run to the bathroom before it poured out of my pant legs onto the floor. She thought this was much funnier than any ordinary fart.
5. When I was in college I owned a black 1978 Trans Am, as well as several other cars. The Trans Am needed some work, but looked great. I never had much time to work on it because of school, so the entire time I was in school it just sat in storage, costing me money but doing me no good. When I graduated from college I ended up moving to Memphis, where everyone at work told me my Trans Am would be stolen within a week if I brought it up to Memphis. So I sold it for almost nothing, along with a huge amount of parts, having never gotten to use it or enjoy it at all.
6. When I was in college a lawyer gave me his old car for free. I was still driving it when I moved to Memphis, and it did not get stolen.
   
7. My Wife and I didn't do anything for each other for Valentine's Day this year because we were both sick.

Alrighty then. There you go. I don't know how interesting this might be for you, but there it is.

And if you can correctly identify the one fake then you win a .... you win ... um ... you win. Yay for you.

Now I have to tag 6 suckers, I mean, people to do the meme too. So I tag:

Leesa in Savannah - she tagged me for Battle of the Blogs and I am invoking swift revenge.
Leesa in Montana - she's a hottie and you can't just tag one Leesa and not the other.
Kami in Dallas - she's my favorite Texas weather girl.
Dixie - she's the number one fan of FYF.
Poody - she's turned on by my knowledge of the Beatles.
Mr. Houston TX - no one should have to live in Houston. It's not the heat. It's the humidity.

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Britney is Cuckoo for Coco Puffs

Britney Spears, not satisfied to walk around without her panties on, showing her superstar vajayjay to the world, has now resorted to shaving her head for no apparent reason. I thought of several things I wanted to say about this, but I couldn't get this one particular song out of my head while I looked at her photo. So I decided that the song says it better than I could anyway.



When I get to the bottom I go back to the top of the slide
Where I stop and I turn and I go for a ride
Till I get to the bottom and I see you again
Yeah yeah yeah hey

Do you, don't you want me to love you
I'm coming down fast but I'm miles above you
Tell me tell me tell me come on tell me the answer
Well you may be a lover but you ain't no dancer

Now helter skelter helter skelter
Helter skelter yeah
Ooh!

Will you, won't you want me to make you
I'm coming down fast but don't let me break you
Tell me tell me tell me the answer
You may be a lover but you ain't no dancer

Look out helter skelter helter skelter
Helter skelter ooh

Look out, cos here she comes

When I get to the bottom I go back to the top of the slide
And I stop and I turn and I go for a ride
And I get to the bottom and I see you again
Yeah yeah yeah

Well do you, don't you want me to make you
I'm coming down fast but don't let me break you
Tell me tell me tell me the answer
You may be a lover but you ain't no dancer

Look out helter skelter helter skelter
Helter skelter

Look out helter skelter
She's coming down fast
Yes she is
Yes she is coming down fast

[My head is spinning, ooh...

Ha ha ha, ha ha ha, alright!

I got blisters on my fingers!]

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The Previous Post

The previous post was way the hell too long. It seemed funny enough when I wrote it, but that was like 2 a.m. and I was barely conscious. Now it just seems like a long newscast.

I hate the news.

So, the weather tonight is cold. Tomorrow's forecast is more cold followed by more cold tomorrow night.

Thank you and have a pleasant tomorrow.

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FYF - I've Got the Poopies

Fuck You Friday

It's another Fuck You Friday.

You'll never guess what I'm going to do today.
I'm going to comment on news headlines.
Yeah, I bet you never saw that coming.

---

Gunman kills 5 in Utah shopping mall

I thought you said low, low prices! AUGH! NOW EVERYONE MUST DIE!!!

Man kills 3 at Philly business meeting

Whad'ya mean there's no donuts left?! I didn't get any!!! AUGH! NOW EVERYONE MUST DIE!!!!

Ancient chimps may have used hammers

This was long ago, before they discovered marijuana and transformed into a bunch of hairy, lazy, protesting, Oprah-watching, pathetic pussies. Once drugs were introduced into the chimp community their civilization was lost forever and Man rose to power. Then Man discovered drugs and now the United Nations is rising like a cancerous lump.

Thousands of Maoists set to demonstrate in Nepal

In normal colleges the students vacation at the beach, get drunk, and have lots of sex. In ivy league colleges the students go to places like Nepal and protest in favor of radical communism.

Nashville mayor vetoes English-only bill

He said it was mean-spirited and unconstitutional. I’m sorry, but how is it mean-spirited to try to preserve a culture that has clearly been under massive assault for nearly 50 years now? I hope the English-speaking citizens of Nashville remember this when election time comes around.

Study: adoptive parents get high marks

That’s funny how this worked out. All other studies have found that kids raised by someone other than their biological parents were dramatically more likely to be abused. But in this study, which is being used to promote a political issue, gay adoption, they somehow found the exact opposite to be true. I wonder how that happened? It's a mystery!

Cell phones mobilized to fight AIDS in Africa

This commercial has been running for months now. How is it that the press is only just now finding out about it? Do they not watch TV?

Alabama's bald eagle population booming

That’s because of all the Auburn fans down there. War Eagle, baby!

Valentine roses hit with toxic chemicals

How ironic is this? You buy your baby a dozen roses and end up socking her with a bouquet of toxic poisons. And you know women never forgive or forget shit like this, either. Oh, she'll SAY it's OK. But you just wait until that next big argument and see if you don't get gunned down with the "you gave me poisoned roses" attack.

Chimpanzees may have had their own Stone Age: study

They probably had their own soccer league at some point, too. And maybe some professional wrestling. I’ll bet they had reality TV and then suddenly their entire civilization collapsed and we just don’t know about it.

China fails to meet environmental goals

We so sorry. We no do it again. OK? Now you go back to watching reality TV and stop watching us. We busy here. Build big, big bomb to drop on you from outer space when you no looking for it.

Man accused of killing his stripper girlfriend takes stand, says bloody fingerprint was from sex

Didn’t they just do this on CSI? What show was it? Some guy was accused of killing his girlfriend and they found a bloody fingerprint of her blood in his car with his fingerprint and he said he was … um … pleasuring her. Anyway, it was on TV already. Criminals can be so uncreative sometimes.

Male sweat can boost arousal in women

I sweat more than any man I know when I’m exercising. You mean to tell me this is a turn-on for women? I must be a sex god because I sweat rivers. Do you suppose that Tag body spray is nothing but smelly old man sweat? I wonder if I could make money selling my sweat? Oh awesome!

British chain sells Valentine Viagra OTC

Over the counter Viagra for Valentine ’s Day? How cool is that?! Yeah baby, yeah!

Britons ignorant about sex, survey reveals

Yeah, go ahead and insult them all you want to. They’ve got Viagra and they know how to use it!

Smitten at 70, Japan woman on trial for stalking

She may be slow, but she just keeps on coming. And soon she’ll have a Hoveround to make her stalking more effective!

Woman pleads guilty in womb attack

Yeah, you thought you could put off having kids for as long as you wanted, but when that biological clock went off you went apeshit, baby.

House Democrats unveil anti-war bill

If they start singing “all we are saying is give peace a chance” I’m going to vomit. If anyone ever needed proof that drugs turn men into pussies just look at John Lennon's slow progression into girlhood.

N.J. gay marriage foes gather signatures

Shit, you don’t need signatures. You need money. It isn’t as if the voters are ever being outnumbered by the gay political movement. They’ve just got billions in loose change to throw at corrupt officials while the average citizens don’t. Bribery works wonders when you’ve got unelected and unaccountable judges. Instead of signatures you might try gathering a large angry mob to assure any judge who ignores the wishes of the majority that they’ll get a nice fat New Jersey Style Beating for it. Come on, this is what New Jersey is known for. Where’s your mullet-pride?

Jewish group blasts Romney over launch

Governor Romney is involved in a museum honoring Henry Ford. A Jewish political group who hates Henry Ford is attacking him for it. Apparently Jewish people prefer Saabs. Who knew the Jews were so big on that whole NASCAR rivalry thing?

House plunges into debate on Iraq war

There’s a shocker. Who saw that coming?

Al-Qaida's No. 2 calls Bush an alcoholic

So where’s the reporter that he said this to and why didn’t he kill this terrorist asswipe while he had the opportunity? Shit, stab him with your pencil. Bash him over the head with your camera. Choke him with your frilly panties. For cryin' out loud, he's a terrorist! Get him!

Venezuela's Chavez sets fast nationalization pace

Generally looters prefer to move fast before the cops show up.

In the science of sexual attraction, size matters

We all knew this already. Apparently all the 'researchers' and 'experts' in America today are so busy watching their doomsday clocks, doing rain dances to honor their global warming god, and throwing massive tantrums over people who question evolution (blasphemy!) or aren't fond of embryonic stem cell methodology (heresy!) that they've forgotten how to discover anything new, and thus are forced to repeatedly tell us all things we've all known since high school.

Sea level rise could hit poor countries hard: study

Yeah, but the rich countries will just float away on gold-plated yachts, right? Or is this just an attempt to stir up emotional rampages among the poorly educated in order to stop any and all logical discussions on the subject? Mmmmm, I smell caviar and bullshit.

Experts tell jurors 8-year-old boy died from bacterial infection, not from parental abuse

Whoops, biological parents didn’t actually kill their boy despite being arrested and imprisoned. How inconvenient. But never fear, they'll find some other biological parents to crucify soon enough. The show must go on!

Beware the pitfalls of office romance

For instance, having her drive 900 miles in diapers and pepper spray another woman you work with because she thinks that woman is her rival for your love. There's a big old pitfall.

Zoo pays feng shui expert to aid monkeys

Of course it does, because if there’s one thing a monkey can never have enough of it’s feng shui. And poo to throw. Fengu shui and poo. But mostly just the poo.

Anti-American cleric flees Iraq for Iran

Sean Penn fled to Iran? Hmm, somehow the international consensus will be that this is proof that Bush is planning a war with Iran without any provocation whatever.

Al Franken to run for Minn. Senate seat

I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me! But I don’t know jack crap about the law or being a senator. But that's OK. Ted Kennedy will tell me everything I need to know. And then we'll get high and write new laws.

Bush: Iran supplying weapons in Iraq

Is this a surprise to anyone? I’ll bet a lot of enemy nations are shipping in weapons to Iraq, sort of like the Chinese sent weapons to the North Koreans. And the North Vietnamese. And Jane Fonda. Anyone remember that? Anyone? Anyone? Bueler?

Smith's body in morgue amid court fight

Playboy is asking for rights to photograph her there for one final issue.

Report: Teens using prescription drugs

Yes, so are children and adults. Here’s how it works: you go to the doctor and tell him or her what’s wrong. Then your doctor writes a prescription for you. Then you go get the prescription filled. Then you use the drugs. Good God almighty, it’s a massive crime wave! We need more laws!

Kansas rewrites science standards again

They were going to allow teachers, scientists, and students to question the accepted orthodoxy of current theories, including evolution, which would have put them at the vanguard of scientific thought since an open mind is essential to discovery. But political pressure got the better of them and now they are instructing everyone to just bow to the new god and pretend all is well like everyone else. Dark ages anyone?

Call for "neuroethics" as brain science races ahead

There can be no ethics in a culture whose primary motivation is to do whatever religious people don’t want them to do. This is the opposite of ethics.

Mexican man finds forty dinosaur prints in desert

Somebody ask him if he found my old Volkswagen Bug while he was out there. I left it there back in high school and I haven’t seen it since. Yeah, we were drunk. So what? I still want my car back.

Fish oil unlikely to relieve depression

It’s also unlikely to run for 6000 miles in the engine of my car, but since I don’t use it for that it isn’t really that big of an issue.

Study finds out why it's gross to kiss your sister

Someone please get this over to Angelina Jolie and her nasty freak of a brother, quick! Those two don’t seem to grasp this at all.

Less-intense workouts may be less effective

Well slap my momma and call me Ethel, I would’a never guessed this here! But I’ll bet if you asked a single one of them thar bodybuilder women I posted a few days ago they could’a done told you this without no need fer no study at all.

U.N. report says Britain worst place for children

Well this just shows how much the U.N. knows. I’m thinking Iraq or Syria or Pakistan or certainly China, where more than half of all children face death by government mandate, are likely far worse for everyone including children than Britain. But you know the people who dominate the U.N. would never say this because it might hurt some feelings and also because most of them are from Iraq and Syria and Pakistan and China and other places like that.

Groups sue to protect marine mammals

ACLU powers … ACTIVATE! Form of … a trial attorney! Form of … a powerful Washington lobbyist!

Daimler axes 13,000 Chrysler jobs in major overhaul

Day-um! Hey, why toss out bad upper management or socialist policies that sabotage your company when you can just lay off tens of thousands of middle and lower class workers instead? You go, grrlz!

Air Force strips Playboy poser of status

Ob-la-di Ob-la-da life goes on bra, Lala how the life goes on!

Taliban flee battle using children as shields: NATO

And yet still Rosie O'Donnell and company loves, loves, loves them all so very much!

MySpace teen suit dismissed by Texas court

Oh, don’t be discouraged. Just take it to the 9th Circus Court of Extremes. They’ll reinstate it and probably even make it a class action suit, driving the whole company out of business and making you hugely popular with all your little MySpace friends.

Ancient coin dulls Cleopatra's beauty

Maybe the artist wasn’t very good? Or maybe Mark Antony was desperate? There is some significant evidence that she was in fact murdered by the Romans rather than committing an elaborate suicide. Maybe he was embarrassed about having slept with such an ugly woman? Maybe all the other Egyptian women were even uglier and she was the best he could do? Maybe she gave blowjobs?

Cactus-eating moth reaches Mexico

Yeah, but like everything else in Mexico the little bastards will be crossing the border into Texas the first chance they get. And after that they'll be collecting social security and voting in our elections. Ob-la-di Ob-la-da life goes on bra ...

Anti-whalers run low on fuel, end Southern Ocean protest

I wouldn’t be inclined to call a bunch of rich kids in a gigantic junk ship running around ramming into fishing boats less than half their size a ‘protest.’ I think I might be more inclined to call it bullying. Or perhaps even terrorism. They don’t care about whales. They care about feeling superior and getting away with terrorizing a bunch of impoverished third-world fishermen who can’t fight back. Same shit, different day.

AIDS virus weakness detected

It has an uncontrollable appetite for all things Prada. So scientists hope to lure it to its’ doom with a good purse and maybe some matching shoes.

Newborn ends up in Pa. woman's pant leg (AP)

Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go. Does this remind anyone besides me of the Monte Python movie “The Meaning of Life”?

Dems vow to change direction of Iraq war

From winning to losing, just like back in Vietnam.

Global lawmakers seek new climate accord

Global lawmakers, eh? Who voted for them? It’s only a matter of time before global lawmakers, accountable to no one, begin demanding global taxes and a global standing army. We used to call this sort of thing an empire, but today we call it ‘unity’.

Human brain can make new cells, study finds

Dammit! All that time in college I was avoiding getting too drunk before tests because I was afraid I didn’t have enough brain cells to spare and now you tell me it was for nothing?! DAMN YOU!

House set to reject Bush troop buildup in Iraq

They want to see helicopters frantically pulling out hordes of desperate people as the Islamofascists come pouring in and enslave or slaughter all those left behind. Et tu, Brute?

Survey shows heart disease worse in poor states

We needed a survey for this because rich ivory tower types can’t fathom the idea that being poor might be stressful and unhealthy and thus bad for the heart while being a tenured jackass hiding in an Ivy League monastery might simply make you intellectually lazy and misguided, but not so stressed beyond the occasional protest march or drunken gay orgy in which your fellow professors might see how fat you've gotten.

Low levels of air pollution can raise stroke risk

Well hell, I guess we’d better raise those levels up high then, hadn’t we?

Chronic distress linked to higher dementia risk

Help! I’ve fallen, and I can’t … I can’t …. remember what I came in here for.

Young Japanese lose interest in whaling

Hey, it's hard to put some big chrome rims and a kick-ass spoiler on one of those old whaling boats. Dayum, G.

Hugh Grant splits with girlfriend Jemima

Hugh Grant was dating Aunt Jemima? Seriously?!

Patient sprays her way out of hospital

She pepper-sprayed her way out of the hospital because she really, really needed to see the final episode of "Beauty and the Geek." But she'd better hope she never needs to go back in again because the nurses are totally pissed off at her.

Is it the drink, or did that urinal talk to me?

Never before in history has it been so difficult for a man to find a place where he can escape from the constant barrage of insults, attacks, preaching and harassment as it is today. Even the urinals are being used to spew the latest political rantings at men while they try to pee. I'm surprised there aren't more men blowing up and going on shooting sprees in shopping malls and office meetings and such. But don't you worry. I'm sure there will be soon enough.

When pregnant mom eats fish, kids do better: study

My mom was always a big fan of fish sticks. Does that count? I have this sinking feeling it doesn't. Dammit!

Balloons to float above Pentagon to test defenses

It's actually a big birthday party, but they don't want anyone in the press to know what's really going on.

Chili peppers have ancient history

Yeah, I remember when the lead singer had a long pony tail and would whip it around in a circle while he sang. Anyone else remember that?

Teen girl can't shake hiccups after 3 weeks

Send her to my house. I know a cure they might not have tried yet.

Mo. family sues ConAgra over salmonella

I had salmonella poisoning once. It was more effective for losing weight than anything Jenny Craig ever dreamed of.

Conservative Anglican leaders snub liberal U.S. bishop

Apparently the sort of beliefs that make you popular at upper class parties in the United States don't necessarily go over quite as well amongst the believers in the church. Who knew?

Smith willed estate to son, now dead

A rocket scientist she was not.

GM in preliminary talks to buy Chrysler: source

Last year GM talked about merging with Ford. Now it's Chrysler. Listen dudes and dudettes, you can merge with as many poorly managed automotive companies as you want, but until you pull your heads out of your asses and get your own house in order you are going to continue to slide into irrelevance one way or another.

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Thursday Things to Think About

How you think is everything. Always be positive. Think success, not failure. Beware of a negative environment.

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great." - Mark Twain

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Mahatma Gandhi

"It is the eye of ignorance that assigns a fixed and unchangeable color to every object; beware of this stumbling block." - Paul Gauguin

"Education is an ornament in prosperity and a refuge in adversity." - Aristotle

"If there is anything we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves." - Carl Jung

"Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one." - Malcolm Forbes

"Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children's children what it was once like in the United States when men were free." - Ronald Reagan

"The foundation of every state is the education of its youth." - Diogenes Laertuis

"Victory attained by violence is tantamount to defeat, for it is momentary." - Mahatma Gandhi

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." - Albert Einstein

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Happy Valentine's Day

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An Email I Just Received

Why Exercise Frightens me!!

What do these women think is going to happen to all this extra body when they stop weight training??

Remind me to NEVER exercise again!

---

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Choices

They've just forced me to switch to the new Blogger, the Google Blogger, which I guess should be called Glogger.

I don't like being forced to do things. And already I don't like Glogger.

But so be it. They wouldn't let me in unless I changed. So I gave in, like a corporate CEO being blackmailed by Jesse Jackson or feminist terrorists or the Feds.

It's ironic timing actually. I've been going through a lot of changes, a lot of crises. And I've been thinking about shutting down.

All good things must end. And some rather mediocre ones, too. I guess that's where I come in.

I know I'm not ready to just hang it up completely. And maybe I'll change my mind? But lately I've been only posting every other day. And it hasn't seemed to matter. I have days when no one comes by and other days when everyone who is going to come by does it within a span of about 2 hours.

A lot of my favorite bloggers have quit or are talking about quitting. Gator Robin closed and I haven't deleted her link because I am too sad about it. And I can't believe Robin the Beautiful Canadian Binsk is considering it. Steph the Attention Whore quit and then returned, only to disappear completely without a word.

In fact, I can't even reach Stephanie on MySpace, which is where she left Blogger to go to. She and Australian Avery both went over there together. And now neither of them has posted anything in weeks.

I myself have barely been over there lately. It started off with me avoiding it because there are so many security problems with MySpace that half the pages I visit cause my browser to crash. That got old fast. After awhile, though, I just got used to never being there.

Lately I've had less time for visiting all my favorite blogs. And they've responded by having less time for visiting mine. I never know if it's just because they're pushed for time, as I am, or if it's because they don't like what I write anymore.

I'm not usually uncomfortable with my own writing, but I have been lately. I can't think of a time when I've ever had a regular article that people asked about when I didn't post it before. Loonies on the Path got a surprising amount of requests when I stopped having anything to write, but it was never a regular weekly thing so I guess it didn't occur to me that very many people might only be coming to read that. But Fuck You Friday, well it's a weekly thing. I only did the first one because I was in a weird mood. It was fun in that I absolutely did not care about a damn thing that was going on. After that I sort of cared and sort of didn't. But I never liked writing about politics and religion on a regular basis. It was always one of those things that I'd write about when I was especially pissed about something, but otherwise I'd avoid it. Now I end up trying to comment on it every week and sometimes I just don't want to. Sometimes I'm just not comfortable commenting on the week's events. But it seems crazy to throw away something that people actually request. I mean, hell, some blogs have no readers at all and here I have one thing that people come by only to read that one thing. And I'm going to stop doing it? Still, sometimes I feel like it drives away as many people as it brings. Sometimes it just makes me uncomfortable. I don't know why.

Ironically, it was exactly this sort of subject matter that I was encouraged to write about in the first place, back when 2 professional writers told me I should write. When I couldn't get my articles published I started this blog. And now I feel weird writing this very thing? How dumb is that?

Anyway, there is a lot going on. I am trying to devote myself as full-time as possible to finding a job out of Memphis. I am looking in Middle Tennessee and North Alabama. Meanwhile, without me having activated my resume online or anything, somehow the damned headhunters have smelled blood and started bugging the living hell out of me. Two different ones at Robert Half are trying to steal me from each other. One is trying to throw me onto a contract in Memphis just to keep the other from placing me in Nashville on a full-time job. Great, this is just what I need. Meanwhile, Roger the headhunter (2 Rogers don't make a right) is calling and emailing. I didn't give him my number or my email address, but he got it anyway, probably by selling his soul to the devil for it. I may have to dump that email account.

Anyway, I don't know what is going to happen. I'm just knocking around a lot of things in my head. I've been sick for the past 2 weeks, so I haven't left the house much and I've felt like absolute crap (the explosive kind that catches you by surprise and messes your pants.) Perhaps when I'm well again I'll forget all of this and go back to the way things were before? I don't know. All I know is I want out of here and I can't see it happening unless I devote all of my spare time to making it happen.

Everyone jokes that Memphis is a black hole. No one who comes here ever gets out and most of the people born here end up stuck here. Well, not me. I'm getting out. I will find a way. But it may mean dropping or neglecting this blog.

Perhaps Google forcing me to switch to their new Glogger system was the last straw? Perhaps this is the end? Or perhaps it was just an excuse to do what it was time for me to do anyway?

I have a lot to think about.

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It's Official - I'm a Boob Connoisseur!

You try it. See how well you do.
I scored 49 out of 100.

(Apparently I got the boobs right, but not what my final score was. You probably can't get the A that I got with a 49. So I have no idea what I got out of 100, but whatever my score was got me this A. Thanks to Mr. Not So Confidential for pointing that out. Yeah, I've been more than a little out of it lately.)

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Whoring Myself

Vote for me! Nominate me! Suck my ... I mean, VOTE FOR ME!!!!

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FYF - All Good Things Must End

Fuck You Friday

It's another Fuck You Friday.

There's more fabulous headlines all the time.
Pour yourself a drink.If you get drunk enough even murder and madness can almost seem fun.Or maybe that's just despair?

---

Republicans block Senate debate on Iraq

How could they possibly be this effective as a minority when they were so totally ineffective as a majority? Something isn't right here.

S.F. mayor seeks alcohol counseling

Shockingly, the mayor of San Francisco has been exposed for having an affair with the wife of a veteran aide. His response is to declare that it isn’t his fault. He’s a drunk and not responsible for anything he says or does. So he’s checking into rehab, much like Dr. House did when facing charges from the mean cop who was out to get him for his addiction to pain killers. Apparently Mayor Gavin watches TV while getting high and running the city. Anyone surprised?

Mo. suspect charged with molesting boys

If the evidence points to his guilt I say we send him to the Paula Poundstone Child Molester clinic and kill him there.

Texas Gov. urged against cancer order

The governor of Texas, in the spirit of the pro-choice-except-when-we-don’t-like-your-choice crowd, is trying to require all girls to be vaccinated with the brand new and relatively unknown cervical cancer vaccine. I’m all for the research into a cure or a vaccine to prevent this deadly cancer, but to require it seems more than slightly over the top. Anyone with an autistic child who suspects the overuse and abuse of endless vaccinations might know where I’m coming from here. Hey, if I’m the daddy then I can consult my child’s doctor and we’ll decide, thank you very much, Mr. Governor.

Astronaut sets women's spacewalk record

I’m sure this was the biggest thing on her mind as she was out there. I just love this patronizing trivia from the Library of First Woman/Black/Gay To fill-in-the-blank. Speaking of this, isn’t the woman who tried to kidnap her rival for the Space Shuttle pilot the First Female Astronaut To Kidnap a Woman Over a Man? Why isn’t this major milestone in a big shining headline?

Democrat Edwards offers universal health care plan

What a shocker! Every single Democratic candidate for U.S. President is campaigning on a platform promising “Free drugs for everyone, dudes!”

Battle looms over right to unionize

One side calls it the battle over the right to unionize. The other side calls it the battle over the right not to be terrorized day and night by union brown shirts who won’t take ‘no’ for an answer. Puh-tay-toe Puh-tah-toe.

Human skin populated by veritable zoo of bacteria

No shit. Didn’t we learn this in 9th grade biology? How did I already know this? I must be a genius!

Sydney university stem cell ban sparks academic row

Funny thing is, despite all the wadded up panties, there isn’t a stem cell ban. But you have to read 3 paragraphs down before you find out that what it’s really about is embryonic stem cells, not general stem cell research at all. And despite all the bitching about ‘academic freedom’ anyone who bothers to read where this whole situation came from would understand completely. In order to get the land to build the facility they bought it from a Catholic school. Not surprisingly, the Catholic school made it a part of the deal that all of the stem cell research that will be done in the facility will not involve embryonic stem cells. Who would be surprised at this? And what kind of idiot or liar would call this a stem cell ban? That’s like saying a ban on blitzing in football is a football ban.

Scientists explore possible new way to fight AIDS

They’re going to try getting it drunk and tricking it into going home with an inflatable sex doll.

Giuliani closer to White House bid

I'm sure Michael Milken is thrilled to hear it. The rest of us are potentially less enthused.

Depression, loneliness tied to physical ills

This explains why I have all these chest pains and don’t know where I am half the time.

Teens, adults unaware smoking raises blindness risk

OK, I’ll admit it. You got me there. I had no clue. How does it do that? Are people stubbing out their cigarettes in their eye sockets?

Parents turn to clinics for genital mutilation: U.N.

Parents are having their boys circumcised in clinics and the U.N. is acknowledging it? Oh no, of course not. It’s girls. Slash up the boys’ genitals all you want. The U.N.’s enormous feminist political machine doesn’t care about that. They celebrate every time a boy screams.

Kids' suicides rise, CDC report finds

This little tidbit coming out shortly after headlines proudly proclaiming that single mother households now outnumber intact family households. Who saw this coming?

Ark. may drop schoolchildren weigh-ins

For some reason the thought of our schools weighing our children and sending them home with warnings that they’re too fat makes me think of the Nazi’s attempts to create a nation of perfect people. Seriously, I don’t know why.

Dad accused of using stun gun on baby

What was it, 2 weeks ago that I said ‘stun guns are bad for children’ and declared myself a pediatrician? I’m sending this prick a bill.
Two-faced calf loses struggle to live

That’s a shame. He could’ve had a promising career as a judge or a member of Congress.

Philadelphia could get rubber sidewalks

Imagine playing hopscotch on one of these!

Newborn left on Canadian doorstep survives cold

This kid was born to play hockey!

MIT prof begins hunger strike over tenure

He says he was denied tenure at MIT because he’s black. MIT says he wasn’t denied tenure for being black. He was denied tenure for stating his views opposing embryonic stem cell research. Yeah, like that makes it OK.

Court says Wal-Mart must face bias trial

It’s the crazies of the 9th Circus Court of Extremes that want to squeeze more money out of American shoppers to fund the Feminist Cow Political Milking Machine.

Astronaut to face attempted murder count

Diaper wearing, pepper spraying, trench coat bitch is crazy as hell, but she ain’t no attempted murderer. That’s just crap.

Astronaut suffered 'mental anguish'

No, no, not mental anguish. Mental breakdown. The correct term is breakdown. She’s snapped. Now it seems to me that if you could let an abusive psycho like Lorena Bobbit go then you can easily do the same in this case. She did virtually nothing. Just drop it. The woman has snapped like a Saltine cracker. Get a doctor and some peanut butter and let’s try to put her back together.



Two hurt as second letter bomb explodes in Britain

Honey, it’s for you. It’s from the religion of peace. BOOM!

Dinosaur eggs reportedly found in India

They were in a really large Styrofoam container and labeled “Extra Extra Extra Large Grade A”.

China to research global warming

Fox to research chickens. OJ looking for real killers. Feminists to set guidelines for marriage and family. Bill Clinton to research adultery. Big Tobacco to research lung cancer. Supreme Court to research bribery. United Nations to research corruption. Ted Kennedy to research alcoholism.

Stem cells from fat tissue transplanted into heart

What? No embryonic stem cells? How can that be? I thought they were the answer to everything.

World's churches go green and rally to cause

I was sort of under the impression that churches already had a cause and were supposed to stay focused on it. Do you suppose God has lost interest in changing hearts and saving souls and is now more interested in gases, or is it just the false leaders that are ever drawn to the spotlight, no matter what god or cause they have to praise and worship in order to draw an approving crowd?

Illegal logging hits Asian forests, orangutans: U.N

The U.N. is using orangutans to illegally strip forests throughout Asia? Holy cow!

Powerful Pa. senator indicted

You have to read down 7 paragraphs before they bother to mention, oh so casually, which political party he’s with. If he were a Republican it would have been in the headline.

Texas police arrest suspect in male rape

I’m not sure why they called this “male rape” but I guess the ladies of the press don’t want to be un-PC and call it homosexual rape. Heaven forbid the press acknowledge that anyone gay might not be the most wonderful person in the world. Actually a large percentage of sexual serial killers are gay male pedophiles that prey on young boys. I guess the press should start calling this male rape killings? Or how about male-American rape-killings? Let’s throw some hyphens in there just for the hell of it. And somehow the feminists will see all of this as yet another form of oppression of women and begin demanding that all rapes of women be called female rape. But then they’ll change their minds, as women often do, and declare that ALL rape is violence against women, and require the government to deny that rape of males even exists.

Nashville adopts `English First' policy

Why isn’t this the case throughout the entire United States? How did we get so pathetic as to be unwilling to openly state what language we speak in this country? Where have all the cowboys gone?

New exhibit details human origins

It’s a lovely story about a boy and a girl, completely made up and non-verifiable because the monkeys aren’t talking, and soon to be modified to the more politically correct story of a girl and a girl.

Prehistoric Romeo and Juliet discovered

And now a true story about a boy and a girl in love that our nation's cultural leaders will be totally unable to comprehend.

Debate storms on possible warming-hurricane link

‘It’s all Bush’s fault,’ the dancing scientists shout as they beat on their drums and wave their spears in time with the rhythms. ‘Death to the infidels!’ Soon they’ll be throwing rocks at all unbelievers.

Harvard in biggest curriculum overhaul in 30 years

Gone are all white males who aren’t homosexuals or communists. Gone is the history of the United States of America. Gone is everything that ever made Harvard a decent school in the first place, replaced with the shrill screaming dogma of feminist Marxism and religious faith in their “gender lens” interpretation of life on earth.

Horse teeth give details of ancient big chill

Apparently they had global warming in ancient times, too. But instead of blaming it on man and cars they blamed it on horse farts.

Rice believes Chavez is "destroying" Venezuela

So does everyone else, especially the Venezuelans who have fled to the U.S. But to the New York Times he’s a visionary, like Che Guevara or Chairman Mao.

Ulcer bacteria has followed man for 60,000 years

Yeah, but now I got me a restraining order, bitch! TAKE THAT!!!!

Study: Moral beliefs may sway docs' care

You needed a study to figure this out? Maybe you could just look at history? The Nazis hated Christians and Jews and believed there was nothing wrong with doctors carving up living people without anesthetic just to see what happened. Their own records indicated their intention of finishing off the Jews and then killing the Christians. The feminists believe in only allowing health care for and research on females, even when it could just as easily be done on both sexes. Their own writings indicate they want all males eliminated and replaced with cloning. And Christians believe in helping everyone, including people that no one else will help, but they tend to frown on killing babies except in extreme circumstances. There’s your study. Where’s my grant money? And who didn’t know all this already?

Man accused of being nude on ski lift

Dude, your nuts will freeze to the seat of that thing and then what are you gonna do?

Officer's court-martial ends in mistrial

Of course it did. Because he spewed hatred of Bush and refused to do his sworn duty. But as for all the patriotic soldiers who refused to take off the American flag and put on the United Nations blue uniforms under President Clinton, they’re all still in prison.

Alito: Future court will have more women

Of course it will. All the appointments are politically motivated and the law schools are openly discriminating against white male applicants. How could it not? One day it will probably be nothing but women. And the interpretation of each and every Constitutional law will change from one week to the next. Isn’t that right, Mrs. O’Connor?

For women, nothing's like the smell of men's sweat

Thank you. I do what I can. By all means, come closer and take a big whiff.

Warrant Issued For Tamara Mitchell Ford

That wacky Tamara, always a barrel of laughs! In fact, the entire Ford family is a hoot!



Anna Nicole Smith Dies

Is this for real?! Seriously?! Holy shit! Apparently she really, really didn't want to turn 40.

Speaker of the House says plane flap is about 'security'

Princess Pelosi is on the warpath and having a royal shit-fit. She is demanding that she be given a plane comparable to Air Force One for her personal use as Speaker of the House. Apparently she has big aspirations. Or maybe just a big ass.



Supporters push Gore to run in 2008

Sure, why not? Let’s throw everyone into the mix and see what happens. Maybe there’ll be a big knock-down brawl and we’ll get to watch it on TV.

Memphis man killed in domestic violence shooting

In the ever-PC city of Memphis, where murder is a daily event, the dead man is blamed and the rest of the article is just a long sermon filled with standard lies and propaganda. The article is briefly about how even though this man was gunned down it is the woman we should pity. To hell with what actually happened. They don't even bother with the facts, so impatient are they to spew false statistics and discredited bullshit. The truth is irrelevant to the true believers and a dead man is a convienent and silent devil.

Mom arrested in New Orleans shooting

Wow, this mom gave her son a gun after he got beat up and told him to go shoot the other boy. I’m just guessing here, but I’ll bet she isn’t what you'd call a high class woman.

Gunmen kill 3 illegal immigrants in Ariz

Can you say “sick of the law not being enforced?” How much you want to bet that the surviving illegals will sue and get millions of dollars while our government kisses their asses and crawls for them? Meanwhile, the gunmen will be crucified as publicly as possible. Unless they, too, are illegal aliens, in which case they'll get a driver's license and social security check and run off to vote in our next election.

Court ends dad's rights because of mom

The state supreme court ruled that because Mom is such a fuck-up, Dad can’t raise his own son unless he throws her out. The State Supremes have chosen instead to ship the boy off to foster parents and collect the federal money that is associated with that. Ka-ching!

Gay Lutheran pastor removed over partner

Isn’t that consistent with the Bible? Wasn’t Jimmy Swaggart and Jim Baker booted over adultery? Listen, either you believe or you don’t, but your pastor damned well better or else you’re all just playing party games and dressing up for nothing. Although, to be fair, some people actually enjoy doing that. And some people just use church as a place to make business connections. But I digress …

Astronaut sets U.S. spacewalking record

Sooo, is he the first Latino-male astronaut to set a spacewalking record or is the Library of Bullshit Trivial Firsts not keeping up with this one because he’s not a woman or black?

1-920-231-0700 Oshkosh, WI

Hello, please stop calling me, you son-of-a-bitch. Thank you and don't leave a message.

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If God Doesn't Want You To Die

A man hit a guardrail in the middle of the night in his pickup truck, sending him flipping end over and end right over a culvert. He landed upside up on solid ground and walked away.


You can see the truck still sitting where it landed.


Here is where he ALMOST landed:



If God says it's not your time, then it's not your time.

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The CBS Message: Criminal Minds vs CSI NY

Nina Tassler, president of CBS entertainment
who secretly wants to work for Lifetime
Last night the ladies of CBS gave us all an important message.

According to the show "Criminal Minds", if you are male and you are so severely abused that you become legally insane, you are still responsible for everything you do and you deserve to die for it.

According to the show "CSI: NY":, if you are female and you are beaten and insulted by a boyfriend, you can steal anything and everything you want to and it's not really your fault. We should all feel sorry for you. It's mostly his fault, whomever he is. And besides, you're just so pretty we couldn't possibly be angry with you. You look just like Courtney Cox. Also, if anyone dies near you while you're committing your crimes we'll find a white male to make responsible so as not to interrupt our story about how tragic your life is.

Oh, and also, now that they are putting RFID chips into credit cards and things it doesn't matter how careful you are. Your identity can easily be stolen anyway by a passing thief with a receiver because all your information is being transmitted.

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