Fuck You Friday
It's another Fuck You Friday.
You'll never guess what I'm going to do today.
I'm going to comment on news headlines.
Yeah, I bet you never saw that coming.
Gunman kills 5 in Utah shopping mall
I thought you said low, low prices! AUGH! NOW EVERYONE MUST DIE!!!
Man kills 3 at Philly business meeting
Whad'ya mean there's no donuts left?! I didn't get any!!! AUGH! NOW EVERYONE MUST DIE!!!!
Ancient chimps may have used hammers
This was long ago, before they discovered marijuana and transformed into a bunch of hairy, lazy, protesting, Oprah-watching, pathetic pussies. Once drugs were introduced into the chimp community their civilization was lost forever and Man rose to power. Then Man discovered drugs and now the United Nations is rising like a cancerous lump.
Thousands of Maoists set to demonstrate in Nepal
In normal colleges the students vacation at the beach, get drunk, and have lots of sex. In ivy league colleges the students go to places like Nepal and protest in favor of radical communism.
Nashville mayor vetoes English-only bill
He said it was mean-spirited and unconstitutional. I’m sorry, but how is it mean-spirited to try to preserve a culture that has clearly been under massive assault for nearly 50 years now? I hope the English-speaking citizens of Nashville remember this when election time comes around.
Study: adoptive parents get high marks
That’s funny how this worked out. All other studies have found that kids raised by someone other than their biological parents were dramatically more likely to be abused. But in this study, which is being used to promote a political issue, gay adoption, they somehow found the exact opposite to be true. I wonder how that happened? It's a mystery!
Cell phones mobilized to fight AIDS in Africa
This commercial has been running for months now. How is it that the press is only just now finding out about it? Do they not watch TV?
Alabama's bald eagle population booming
That’s because of all the Auburn fans down there. War Eagle, baby!
Valentine roses hit with toxic chemicals
How ironic is this? You buy your baby a dozen roses and end up socking her with a bouquet of toxic poisons. And you know women never forgive or forget shit like this, either. Oh, she'll SAY it's OK. But you just wait until that next big argument and see if you don't get gunned down with the "you gave me poisoned roses" attack.
Chimpanzees may have had their own Stone Age: study
They probably had their own soccer league at some point, too. And maybe some professional wrestling. I’ll bet they had reality TV and then suddenly their entire civilization collapsed and we just don’t know about it.
China fails to meet environmental goals
We so sorry. We no do it again. OK? Now you go back to watching reality TV and stop watching us. We busy here. Build big, big bomb to drop on you from outer space when you no looking for it.
Man accused of killing his stripper girlfriend takes stand, says bloody fingerprint was from sex
Didn’t they just do this on CSI? What show was it? Some guy was accused of killing his girlfriend and they found a bloody fingerprint of her blood in his car with his fingerprint and he said he was … um … pleasuring her. Anyway, it was on TV already. Criminals can be so uncreative sometimes.
Male sweat can boost arousal in women
I sweat more than any man I know when I’m exercising. You mean to tell me this is a turn-on for women? I must be a sex god because I sweat rivers. Do you suppose that Tag body spray is nothing but smelly old man sweat? I wonder if I could make money selling my sweat? Oh awesome!
British chain sells Valentine Viagra OTC
Over the counter Viagra for Valentine ’s Day? How cool is that?! Yeah baby, yeah!
Britons ignorant about sex, survey reveals
Yeah, go ahead and insult them all you want to. They’ve got Viagra and they know how to use it!
Smitten at 70, Japan woman on trial for stalking
She may be slow, but she just keeps on coming. And soon she’ll have a Hoveround to make her stalking more effective!
Woman pleads guilty in womb attack
Yeah, you thought you could put off having kids for as long as you wanted, but when that biological clock went off you went apeshit, baby.
House Democrats unveil anti-war bill
If they start singing “all we are saying is give peace a chance” I’m going to vomit. If anyone ever needed proof that drugs turn men into pussies just look at John Lennon's slow progression into girlhood.
N.J. gay marriage foes gather signatures
Shit, you don’t need signatures. You need money. It isn’t as if the voters are ever being outnumbered by the gay political movement. They’ve just got billions in loose change to throw at corrupt officials while the average citizens don’t. Bribery works wonders when you’ve got unelected and unaccountable judges. Instead of signatures you might try gathering a large angry mob to assure any judge who ignores the wishes of the majority that they’ll get a nice fat New Jersey Style Beating for it. Come on, this is what New Jersey is known for. Where’s your mullet-pride?
Jewish group blasts Romney over launch
Governor Romney is involved in a museum honoring Henry Ford. A Jewish political group who hates Henry Ford is attacking him for it. Apparently Jewish people prefer Saabs. Who knew the Jews were so big on that whole NASCAR rivalry thing?
House plunges into debate on Iraq war
There’s a shocker. Who saw that coming?
Al-Qaida's No. 2 calls Bush an alcoholic
So where’s the reporter that he said this to and why didn’t he kill this terrorist asswipe while he had the opportunity? Shit, stab him with your pencil. Bash him over the head with your camera. Choke him with your frilly panties. For cryin' out loud, he's a terrorist! Get him!
Venezuela's Chavez sets fast nationalization pace
Generally looters prefer to move fast before the cops show up.
In the science of sexual attraction, size matters
We all knew this already. Apparently all the 'researchers' and 'experts' in America today are so busy watching their doomsday clocks, doing rain dances to honor their global warming god, and throwing massive tantrums over people who question evolution (blasphemy!) or aren't fond of embryonic stem cell methodology (heresy!) that they've forgotten how to discover anything new, and thus are forced to repeatedly tell us all things we've all known since high school.
Sea level rise could hit poor countries hard: study
Yeah, but the rich countries will just float away on gold-plated yachts, right? Or is this just an attempt to stir up emotional rampages among the poorly educated in order to stop any and all logical discussions on the subject? Mmmmm, I smell caviar and bullshit.
Experts tell jurors 8-year-old boy died from bacterial infection, not from parental abuse
Whoops, biological parents didn’t actually kill their boy despite being arrested and imprisoned. How inconvenient. But never fear, they'll find some other biological parents to crucify soon enough. The show must go on!
Beware the pitfalls of office romance
For instance, having her drive 900 miles in diapers and pepper spray another woman you work with because she thinks that woman is her rival for your love. There's a big old pitfall.
Zoo pays feng shui expert to aid monkeys
Of course it does, because if there’s one thing a monkey can never have enough of it’s feng shui. And poo to throw. Fengu shui and poo. But mostly just the poo.
Anti-American cleric flees Iraq for Iran
Sean Penn fled to Iran? Hmm, somehow the international consensus will be that this is proof that Bush is planning a war with Iran without any provocation whatever.
Al Franken to run for Minn. Senate seat
I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me! But I don’t know jack crap about the law or being a senator. But that's OK. Ted Kennedy will tell me everything I need to know. And then we'll get high and write new laws.
Bush: Iran supplying weapons in Iraq
Is this a surprise to anyone? I’ll bet a lot of enemy nations are shipping in weapons to Iraq, sort of like the Chinese sent weapons to the North Koreans. And the North Vietnamese. And Jane Fonda. Anyone remember that? Anyone? Anyone? Bueler?
Smith's body in morgue amid court fight
Playboy is asking for rights to photograph her there for one final issue.
Report: Teens using prescription drugs
Yes, so are children and adults. Here’s how it works: you go to the doctor and tell him or her what’s wrong. Then your doctor writes a prescription for you. Then you go get the prescription filled. Then you use the drugs. Good God almighty, it’s a massive crime wave! We need more laws!
Kansas rewrites science standards again
They were going to allow teachers, scientists, and students to question the accepted orthodoxy of current theories, including evolution, which would have put them at the vanguard of scientific thought since an open mind is essential to discovery. But political pressure got the better of them and now they are instructing everyone to just bow to the new god and pretend all is well like everyone else. Dark ages anyone?
Call for "neuroethics" as brain science races ahead
There can be no ethics in a culture whose primary motivation is to do whatever religious people don’t want them to do. This is the opposite of ethics.
Mexican man finds forty dinosaur prints in desert
Somebody ask him if he found my old Volkswagen Bug while he was out there. I left it there back in high school and I haven’t seen it since. Yeah, we were drunk. So what? I still want my car back.
Fish oil unlikely to relieve depression
It’s also unlikely to run for 6000 miles in the engine of my car, but since I don’t use it for that it isn’t really that big of an issue.
Study finds out why it's gross to kiss your sister
Someone please get this over to Angelina Jolie and her nasty freak of a brother, quick! Those two don’t seem to grasp this at all.
Less-intense workouts may be less effective
Well slap my momma and call me Ethel, I would’a never guessed this here! But I’ll bet if you asked a single one of them thar bodybuilder women I posted a few days ago they could’a done told you this without no need fer no study at all.
U.N. report says Britain worst place for children
Well this just shows how much the U.N. knows. I’m thinking Iraq or Syria or Pakistan or certainly China, where more than half of all children face death by government mandate, are likely far worse for everyone including children than Britain. But you know the people who dominate the U.N. would never say this because it might hurt some feelings and also because most of them are from Iraq and Syria and Pakistan and China and other places like that.
Groups sue to protect marine mammals
ACLU powers … ACTIVATE! Form of … a trial attorney! Form of … a powerful Washington lobbyist!
Daimler axes 13,000 Chrysler jobs in major overhaul
Day-um! Hey, why toss out bad upper management or socialist policies that sabotage your company when you can just lay off tens of thousands of middle and lower class workers instead? You go, grrlz!
Air Force strips Playboy poser of status
Ob-la-di Ob-la-da life goes on bra, Lala how the life goes on!
Taliban flee battle using children as shields: NATO
And yet still Rosie O'Donnell and company loves, loves, loves them all so very much!
MySpace teen suit dismissed by Texas court
Oh, don’t be discouraged. Just take it to the 9th Circus Court of Extremes. They’ll reinstate it and probably even make it a class action suit, driving the whole company out of business and making you hugely popular with all your little MySpace friends.
Ancient coin dulls Cleopatra's beauty
Maybe the artist wasn’t very good? Or maybe Mark Antony was desperate? There is some significant evidence that she was in fact murdered by the Romans rather than committing an elaborate suicide. Maybe he was embarrassed about having slept with such an ugly woman? Maybe all the other Egyptian women were even uglier and she was the best he could do? Maybe she gave blowjobs?
Cactus-eating moth reaches Mexico
Yeah, but like everything else in Mexico the little bastards will be crossing the border into Texas the first chance they get. And after that they'll be collecting social security and voting in our elections. Ob-la-di Ob-la-da life goes on bra ...
Anti-whalers run low on fuel, end Southern Ocean protest
I wouldn’t be inclined to call a bunch of rich kids in a gigantic junk ship running around ramming into fishing boats less than half their size a ‘protest.’ I think I might be more inclined to call it bullying. Or perhaps even terrorism. They don’t care about whales. They care about feeling superior and getting away with terrorizing a bunch of impoverished third-world fishermen who can’t fight back. Same shit, different day.
AIDS virus weakness detected
It has an uncontrollable appetite for all things Prada. So scientists hope to lure it to its’ doom with a good purse and maybe some matching shoes.
Newborn ends up in Pa. woman's pant leg (AP)
Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go. Does this remind anyone besides me of the Monte Python movie “The Meaning of Life”?
Dems vow to change direction of Iraq war
From winning to losing, just like back in Vietnam.
Global lawmakers seek new climate accord
Global lawmakers, eh? Who voted for them? It’s only a matter of time before global lawmakers, accountable to no one, begin demanding global taxes and a global standing army. We used to call this sort of thing an empire, but today we call it ‘unity’.
Human brain can make new cells, study finds
Dammit! All that time in college I was avoiding getting too drunk before tests because I was afraid I didn’t have enough brain cells to spare and now you tell me it was for nothing?! DAMN YOU!
House set to reject Bush troop buildup in Iraq
They want to see helicopters frantically pulling out hordes of desperate people as the Islamofascists come pouring in and enslave or slaughter all those left behind. Et tu, Brute?
Survey shows heart disease worse in poor states
We needed a survey for this because rich ivory tower types can’t fathom the idea that being poor might be stressful and unhealthy and thus bad for the heart while being a tenured jackass hiding in an Ivy League monastery might simply make you intellectually lazy and misguided, but not so stressed beyond the occasional protest march or drunken gay orgy in which your fellow professors might see how fat you've gotten.
Low levels of air pollution can raise stroke risk
Well hell, I guess we’d better raise those levels up high then, hadn’t we?
Chronic distress linked to higher dementia risk
Help! I’ve fallen, and I can’t … I can’t …. remember what I came in here for.
Young Japanese lose interest in whaling
Hey, it's hard to put some big chrome rims and a kick-ass spoiler on one of those old whaling boats. Dayum, G.
Hugh Grant splits with girlfriend Jemima
Hugh Grant was dating Aunt Jemima? Seriously?!
Patient sprays her way out of hospital
She pepper-sprayed her way out of the hospital because she really, really needed to see the final episode of "Beauty and the Geek." But she'd better hope she never needs to go back in again because the nurses are totally pissed off at her.
Is it the drink, or did that urinal talk to me?
Never before in history has it been so difficult for a man to find a place where he can escape from the constant barrage of insults, attacks, preaching and harassment as it is today. Even the urinals are being used to spew the latest political rantings at men while they try to pee. I'm surprised there aren't more men blowing up and going on shooting sprees in shopping malls and office meetings and such. But don't you worry. I'm sure there will be soon enough.
When pregnant mom eats fish, kids do better: study
My mom was always a big fan of fish sticks. Does that count? I have this sinking feeling it doesn't. Dammit!
Balloons to float above Pentagon to test defenses
It's actually a big birthday party, but they don't want anyone in the press to know what's really going on.
Chili peppers have ancient history
Yeah, I remember when the lead singer had a long pony tail and would whip it around in a circle while he sang. Anyone else remember that?
Teen girl can't shake hiccups after 3 weeks
Send her to my house. I know a cure they might not have tried yet.
Mo. family sues ConAgra over salmonella
I had salmonella poisoning once. It was more effective for losing weight than anything Jenny Craig ever dreamed of.
Conservative Anglican leaders snub liberal U.S. bishop
Apparently the sort of beliefs that make you popular at upper class parties in the United States don't necessarily go over quite as well amongst the believers in the church. Who knew?
Smith willed estate to son, now dead
A rocket scientist she was not.
GM in preliminary talks to buy Chrysler: source
Last year GM talked about merging with Ford. Now it's Chrysler. Listen dudes and dudettes, you can merge with as many poorly managed automotive companies as you want, but until you pull your heads out of your asses and get your own house in order you are going to continue to slide into irrelevance one way or another.
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