Dude, Is That A Mullet?

dungeon boy

Rumor has it this man has a kick-ass Trans Am. His wardrobe is filled with red silk shirts and leather pants. And he can't get enough Abba and Barry Manilow.

"I love the Manilow," he was reported to have told police upon his arrest for castrating several mentally ill gay men.

His home is a plethora of wall and ceiling-mounted mirrors. And he has a fabulous collection of antique disco balls and roller skates.

"John Travolta is my hero," the mullet-wearing Mendez proudly admitted. "I want to dance just like he did in "Saturday Night Fever."

Police have promised to shave his head before sending him off to prison.
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Le Laquet's Vegemite Quiz

eatingeaten
I ate it. And it tasted fine to me. All gone. Thanks JD!


I actually stole Le Laquet's quiz from Magpie

1. How did you get the idea for your profile name? - 'Cause famous people I was emailing/stalking kept confusing who the hell I was, so I identified myself as "Steve in Memphis" which is easier to say as "Memphis Steve." Just be grateful because one talented celebrity, prior to obtaining a restraining order, was calling me "Stee Squarepants" and I almost went with that.

2. What song are you playing now, or wish you were playing? - Kelly Clarkson, "Since You've Been Gone" is in my head because Magpie said it was in hers and that made me think of it. Now I can't stop.

3. Has the death of a celebrity ever made you cry? - Yeah, when Jayne Mansfield died in that car wreck I was heartbroken. True, I wasn't born yet, but I heard about it on the Biography channel and boy was I upset. I cried so hard I scared my cat and he shit on the carpet. Or maybe he just needed to go outside, but it sure seemed like he was upset for me. He's a very empathetic cat. Or spiteful. I can never tell which.

4. What colour underwear are you wearing? - White and Brown, but I added the brown myself just a minute ago.

5. Do you want a baby? - Yeah, her name is Carmen Electra.

6. What does your dad do for a living? - He sits on his ass and watches the stock market all day 'cause he's retired and comes from a generation that had both fathers and mothers and thus got pensions to live on when they were done working, unlike those of us today who get nothing but old and sick and poor.

7. What does your mum do for a living? - She raised kids and then stayed around to help spend Dad's pension. Not bad work if you can get it.

8. What is/are your pet's name(s)? - Carmen Electra and Elizabeth Hurley

9. What colour are your bed sheets? - White and brown, but I added the brown gradually over time.

10. What are the last 3 digits of your phone number? - I use the same digit to dial all of them, my index digit.

11. What was the last concert you went to? - Beethoven. Dude, he's like totally fuckin' deaf or something. Lou Ferrigno played base.

12. Who was with you? - God and Amadeus. We had a rockin' good time and then went for drinks after. God paid for our sins.

13. What was the last film you watched? - I don't know. I think I was drunk at the time. No wait, the filmmaker was drunk. It was some indie film from Australia where you thought this unemployed guy killed this hot woman, but it turned out she had accidently run off a cliff in the woods in the dark after jumping out of his truck when she broke down on the side of the road and he picked her up and made a detour without telling her and she got scared and it actually wasn't a bad movie. And then this blind guy was taking photos and asked this famous guy named Russell Crowe, who was about 18 at the time, to tell him what was in the pictures. No wait, that was two different movies.

14. Who do you dislike most at this moment? - Several politicians come to mind, but that guy/bitch who parked halfway in my space is high on my list right now, too.

15. What food do you crave right now? - Vegemite

16. Did you dream last night? - Yes, I dreamed red fire ants were crawling all over me and I blame Lucky Lum for that, damn you and your wild, dangerous, ant-mound-kicking ways!

17. What was the last TV show you watched? - A rerun of "Are You Being Served" that had that woman from "Absolutely Fabulous" playing a perfume saleswoman in a guest appearance.

18. What is your fav piece of jewellery? - My penis ring

19. What is to the left of you? - My left arm, upon which I am wearing my fabulous WalMart Armitron wristwatch that Lightning Bug's Butt only WISHES he could have 'cause it's so fuckin' cool!

20. What was the last thing you ate? - Lasagna from the deli downstairs and now I gotta poop. Did I mention the brown in my underwear? Totally their fault.

21. Who is your best friend of the opposite sex? - Well, I tried to snuggle up to Carmen Electra ... have I mentioned her name on here before? ... but she wasn't having any of it, so My Wife took me back.

22. Who last MSN'd you? - Binsk is possibly the only person who ever MSNed with me and I had to ping her first. Zebraman may have MSNed with me once or twice, too, but then he left the country and I was all alone. That's probably when I started IM-stalking Binsk, too. So it's really all his fault, if you think about it without believing in personal responsibility at all.

23. Where is your significant other right now? - At work, slaving over your damn taxes which you brought in at the last possible minute, you fucktard!

24. Do you have a crush? - Yes, I have orange, grape, and strawberry in my fridge and extras in the pantry. Seriously. I mean it. I could show you a photo even. I've got a major stash 'cause they can be hard to find around here.

25. What is his/her name? - Orange Crush, duh!

26. When was the last time you had your hair cut? - Last weekend, and it don't look so fabulous neither, biotch.

27. Are you on any meds? - Claritin and all the LSD I can score, dude.

28. Do you have a mental disease? - Yes, I clearly must and I want to tell you all about it. I hunt down and kill people who write internet quizzes because I'm crazy like a fox.

29. What shirt are you wearing? - Red polo

30. Are you sexy? - Are you blind?

31. What's your favourite store? - The Hot Chick Wants Sex With Losers store

32. Are you thirsty? No, I have ice water sitting right here with me.

33. Can you imagine yourself ever getting married? - No, but I can refresh my memory by looking over my wedding photos.

34. Who's someone you haven't seen in a while and miss? - Have we not talked about Carmen Electra already?

35. Where do you work? - In the United States at a large financial institution. I have all your personal info sitting right here at my desk and I see that you're currently overdrawn. Dude, try saving a little every now and then, seriously!
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Half Nekkid Vegemite

Vegemite JD Gift
Happy Half Nekkid Thursday

Jack Daniel's Rose once offered to send some Vegemite to whomever was curious to know what it tastes like. I immediately shouted, "me, me, I want to try some!"

But then it came time to ship it and she found that they wanted to charge her several times the cost of the actual Vegemite to send it. It was too expensive. We understood.

And then one day, a shipment arrived in the mail. It was today, in fact. And here it is!

Somewhere deep inside every American is a quiet desire to move to Australia. Some of us keep it to ourselves and some of us don't. I'm not shy. I want to go to Australia, where everyone seems to be happy and the sun always shines.

Thank you, JD! I won't forget this.
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Hey Buddy, A Little Help Here

COLLIERVILLE, Tenn. - A cat stuck in a wall at a house under construction initiated his rescue when he caught the attention of a prospective buyer by meowing and waving his paw out a small hole.

The cat had gotten stuck behind the wall but found a gap between a gas pipe and the wall board where he could stick out his paw. He was spotted Saturday by someone touring the house.

Collierville Animal Services supervisor Nina Wingfield said she heard a "hoarse meow" after she arrived at the house.

"When he knew we were there, it was a very hoarse, frantic meow," she said.

Wingfield freed the feline by cutting away the wall board with a knife.

"He had his paw out touching — not clawing — the whole time, like he was saying 'Come on! Come on,'" Wingfield said.

She thinks the cat, who had been stuck without food long enough for his ribs to be showing, is a lost pet. The owners have until Friday to come forward and claim him before he will be offered for adoption to someone else.

In the meantime, the animal shelter is calling him by a new name: Wally.

___

Information from: The Commercial Appeal, http://www.commercialappeal.com
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Love Me Hate Me 10 Things

10 things about me that I like are:
  1. I always look to see who is behind the curtain here in the land of Oz. I often see the real wizard of Oz, the old man turning the handles and speaking into the mic. I see the naked emperor. I see more and more each year as I grow older.
  2. I was raised to be a cynic. Because of this I question things that don't make sense. I find things that aren't widely known. I often catch the lies behind the great emotional "victimhood" propaganda.
  3. I've always been involved in sports. I have a lot of great memories. My maximum heartrate says I'm in my 20s. I can not run for months and then go run a 5K and it doesn't bother me (although my times aren't competitive anymore, dammit.)
  4. I always did well in school. I wasn't the smartest, but I was usually smart enough.
  5. I come from a place where no one was a native except me. I learned to adapt quickly and easily, moving from geeks to jocks to heads to preps without much difficulty.
  6. I used to be able to run so fast in track that it felt as if I could stretch out my arms and fly away. It was a high like no other. I was young, light and on top of the world.
  7. I can make any woman laugh if given the chance and the right opportunity. Every man wants to make women laugh and smile. It's as if we need that encouragement to keep us alive. It's like oxygen.
  8. I'm not short or bald and I don't have bad teeth.
  9. I can be creative. I can be artistic. I can be deep. I can fart with the best of them.
  10. I don't have a car note. Nya nya nya! I haven't had one for 10 years.
10 things about me that I hate are:
  1. I always look to see who is behind the curtain here in the land of Oz. I don't like what I see 75 percent of the time and it makes me unhappy for reasons that are hard to explain to people, the vast majority of whom don't want to hear about it. Ignorance is bliss and if you can't do much about it anyway what good does it do?
  2. I was raised to be a cynic. Because of this I ask a lot of questions that get me into trouble and make powerful people mad. It doesn't pay to rock the boat when you're all alone and powerless.
  3. I used to be in great shape. It makes it that much harder to accept the way I look now that I am fading away.
  4. All of my education and hard work has not taken me anywhere that I want to be.
  5. I come from a place where no one was a native except me. I don't really belong anywhere exactly.
  6. I used to be able to run so fast in track that it felt as if I could stretch out my arms and fly away. I can still feel that speed inside somewhere, but now that I'm older my hamstrings betray me, keeping me firmly on the ground, sometimes sliding on my face when I try and end up tearing one in mid-sprint. I just can't fly anymore.
  7. I have a strong lack of self-confidence. Women hate men who aren't confident. The first girl I was engaged to only went out with me the first time because I was so down that I decided to just fake like I was this other guy I knew, a super cocky asshole, whom all the girls loved. I faked it and the next thing I knew I had the best-looking girl in the place as my girlfriend and then fiancee for 2 years 2 months and 5 days before she dumped me for a genuinely confident guy who turned out to be a genuinely selfish asshole. Then she dumped him, too, after less than a year. Last time I saw her she was literally running from him.
  8. My hair started turning gray while I was in college and has just kept on slowly turning.
  9. I can cuss like a sailor and often do. Few women admire this ability.
  10. I can't see ever spending the money to have a brand new cool musclecar or righteous BMW, even though I could if I wanted to. There are so many other, less exciting things I'd rather do, none of which impress anyone at all, such as paying off my house early or investing in stocks. Sometimes you should live a little before you die. But I don't.
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Worth Reading


A good article, in my opinion.
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Bride and Best Man Locked Together In Love Require Doctor

Bit of a fix for bride and best man...

Doctors had to be called to separate the bride and best man after they were caught in the act during a wedding in Croatia.

The couple were trapped together by a muscle spasm after a friend of the groom walked in on them as they had sex in the toilets.

Unable to be pulled apart, the couple had to endure a procession of wedding guests who came to see what they had been doing before doctors could turn up.

Unable to help, they had to transport the pair on a stretcher to the local hospital where she was given an injection to relax her muscles, allowing the best man to get free.

The wedding party in Varazdin, Croatia, continued after the groom announced the celebrations were to mark his divorce rather than his wedding, reported daily Slobodna Dalmacija.

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Funny Looking Dog You Got There

So I spent my weekend doing husbandly crap, like cleaning gutters, mowing lovely weeds and shooting at Tomcats at 2 a.m. Sunday I was sick of being housebound. This despite the fact that we had spent extensive time shopping out on Saturday, mind you. I just had to get out. So after mowing the yard and spraying mole-repellent and chasing the cats and loads of fun things like that I put some shoes on that were more suited to walking and started to cruise my neighborhood.

I passed beautiful teenage girls who were overly well-dressed and clearly out walking and looking for boys. I was passed by teenage boys covered in mud on 4-wheelers with beautiful teenaged girls riding on the back, also covered in mud, all smiling big happy smiles. I passed a house with a shit-brown Chevy van that looks a lot like a shit-brown Chevy van I had a run-in with in Birmingham several weeks ago and which has since been spotted broken down here and there around My Little Redneck Town. I passed young, beautiful moms out in their yards watching their children play while they weeded their gardens. I passed a lot of kids playing basketball at various different houses. I passed the house where a couple of bikers and their families lived which now has a "For Sale" sign in front of it. I just slowly took it all in as I walked to nowhere in particular.

It was cold out, but as long as I walked in the sun I was OK. Parts of each street were directly in the sunlight and I tried to walk slowly in those parts. Parts of them were in the cold, cold shade and I walked fast in those parts.

I took note of who had lost shingles in various storms that have come through and still not replaced them. I saw houses in need of paint and wondered about the consequences of removing lead from paint now that everyone seems to repaint their wooden houses almost every other year. I felt proud of myself for sticking to my guns and buying an all-brick house.

I thought about the fact that not one of the neighbor kids playing basketball had the goal set at the correct height and I thought about how that wasn't even an option when I was a kid. We played with the rim at 10 feet no matter how small or how tall we were. I think I'm glad we did.

I counted El Caminos, thinking about how appropriate it is that Earl drives one on "My Name Is Earl." There are 4 within 4 blocks of my home. I remembered the episode where he had to drag-race to win back the old Mustang his dad had bought intending to give him when he was a kid. I laughed again remembering how the engines in both cars broke down, forcing both drivers to yell for their weak-minded associates to give them a push to the finish line and Earl won because the other guy's friend was a smoker.

At one point I approached a house where a man in his early 30s was out pulling weeds. His daughter was in the yard with him playing with a neighbor girl. Their dog was out with them. The dog saw me first and came running to greet me as I passed. I stopped and petted the friendly dog, scratching his ears and his neck and then his chest, which generally leads to my having a friend for life once I've done it.

Apparently scratching a dog's chest is the canine equivalent of a blow-job.

Another dog came running from across the street, wanting to have his chest scratched, too. The man's daughter came over and tried to pull the dogs back into the yard. Her friend had run across the street to ask her dad something. About this time she peeked out her front door from across the street and yelled to the man weeding his front yard, "he says for YOU to come HERE."

"I can't. I'm busy. Mike's not doing anything, is he? What's he doing?" the man asked the girl.

"He's playing a game on the computer and he doesn't want to get up," she responded. Their voices echoed between the houses, giving a feeling of life and activity to the neighborhood that had been so dead and quiet during the long winter.

It was then that I noticed the big, black pig, as large as a Pit Bull casually standing in the front yard not 15 feet from me.

I had to look twice to make sure it wasn't one of those statues that strange people like to put in their front yards for reasons only their doctor can comprehend. You see, we have a distant neighbor with a concrete pig on the top of a brick post at the base of their front stairs leading up to their door. They like to put a little University of Arkansas t-shirt and hat on the pig during football season. But other than the clothes there is nothing about their concrete pig that looks even remotely lifelike.

One more long, hard look to be certain and then I had to speak.

"That sure is a funny looking dog you got there," I observed proudly.

The man weeding his yard looked up at me and smiled. "That ain't no dog. That's a pig."

He proceeded to tell me about how he and his pig had recently been featured in the local paper. As he spoke I remembered seeing the article, but there was no mention of his address so I had no idea that the giant pig was living in my own neighborhood.

"We were pretty surprised when we first moved in because we found out the people who used to live in that house," he said as he pointed two houses down from his, "also had a pig like ours."

What?! Two giant black pigs were living in my neighborhood at the same time and I never knew?! WTF?!!

"Are you serious?!" I asked him, as if anyone other than a total redneck and My Dad would think to lie about something like that.

"Yeah, we always got strange looks for having a pig, but this was the first time we'd ever had a neighbor with one, too."

The pig was staring at me in a vaguely interested sort of way. The dogs, meanwhile, were reluctantly moving back into their yard as ordered, only to step back down into the street again so I could scratch them some more.

I replied, "well, I know two of the people on this street have large rabbits. One of them thinks he's a dog. He grew up playing with their dogs and I've seen him in their backyard running and playing with the dogs. They say he has no idea he's a rabbit." I stood shivering in the shade that had crept up on me.

"Yeah? I didn't know that," he said. Then he pointed to his pig, "he thinks he's a dog, too. He's only ever had my dogs to play with. He has no idea that he's not a dog."

We talked a little longer about pigs and rabbits who think they're dogs. Then I said "I'll let you get back to it" and I resumed my walk, now more aware of the exact nature of my neighborhood than I had been before.

We've had neighbors with chickens. We've had neighbors who would run in front of speeding cars without looking while in pursuit of their dogs, who were in pursuit of a squirrel. We've had neighbors who lay in their driveways in bikinis to get a tan (still do, thank God.) We've had neighbors who painted their house a screaming blue with purple highlights. We have a lot of neighbors who dragrace and keep elaborate race cars in their garages that are easily worth as much as their entire house. We've had neighbors who didn't have a garage and so they parked their Harleys on their front sidewalk, blocking their own front door. We have a neighbor who pulled the door off their mailbox only to let it drop to the street and then just left it laying there for 3 weeks now. We have neighbors with a hula hoop on the roof above their front door that has been up there for several months. We have neighbors with tired old El Caminos.

And now, it turns out, we have neighbors with large black pigs who think they're dogs living in their backyards.
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Memphis Steve Is

I stole this because, well, it was goofy. I know I've seen it everywhere, but it was on Margarita Girl's blog when I actually ran it for myself so you can blame her if you want to.

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Memphis Steve!

  1. It can take Memphis Steve several days to move just through one tree!
  2. 99 percent of the pumpkins sold in the US end up as Memphis Steve.
  3. The canonical hours of the Christian church are matins, lauds, prime, terce, sext, none, Memphis Steve and compline.
  4. Memphis Steve is the world's smallest mammal!
  5. Memphis Steve is the world's largest rodent!
  6. Three seagulls flying overhead are a warning that Memphis Steve is near.
  7. The porpoise is second to Memphis Steve as the most intelligent animal on the planet.
  8. Abraham Lincoln, who invented Memphis Steve, was the only US president ever granted a patent!
  9. It is bad luck to walk under Memphis Steve.
  10. Memphis Steve has three eyelids.
I am interested in - do tell me about
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Controversy

I'm just feeling so totally Friday today. Here are some issues in the news that I'm just basically not interested in dealing with right now:

murdered preacher

  • Isaac Hayes and South Park - Leesa covered this subject very well. Last night's show was hilarious.
  • South Dakota and the Abortion Law - I read their explanation of what they're trying to do here. I don't think they've thought this through. What if they win? Then they've got a law that most of their voters probably think is too strict. The voters will probably be justifiably pissed that they didn't get to vote on this law, which is part of what many people are pissed about with Roe v. Wade to begin with. Just my opinion, but I think this is going to backfire in a big way. The Feminist Majority and N.O.W. and the endless list of other taxpayer-funded feminist/abortion groups are probably thrilled to death about this heaven-sent membership drive courtesy of South Dakota's legislature. Big mistake in making this 'test law' so extreme. Just my opinion. And like Forrest Gump, that's all I have to say about that.
  • Murdered Preacher and the Missing Wife and Kids- OF COURSE she killed him. Who didn't know this as soon as they read that he was dead and his wife was gone with all the kids? And when she gets an even half-assed lawyer she's gonna say "I was retaliating for years of abuse. I was just protecting myself and my children." If that doesn't look like it's going to fly for some reason then she'll switch to "he sexually abused the children and I, as a mother, was protecting them and only thinking of them." If I were a defense attorney straight out of law school I could come up with her defense and probably win. Unless she's made some enormous mistake that trips her up she's probably gonna walk, no matter what the facts are in the case. Maybe this woman who killed her husband really was abused, or maybe she's a psycho, but the "abuse excuse" almost always works so it's practically a given. The only other possibility that I see here is that she's genuinely crazy and just flipped out, in which case we may hear about aliens and Elvis and spaceships, which is always fun.
  • Tom Cruise Showing Off Pregnant Katie Holmes - I cannot begin to tell you how little I care.
  • French Prime Minister Storms Out Due To English Official Language - Hey Inspector Clouseau, get over it and deal with the real issues in France. There are some pretty big problems in your country right now, you know? Surely you have bigger things to be getting pissy about than what language the EU wants to speak.
  • Phil Spector's Murder Trial - Dude, nice hair.
  • 99 Luftballoons - You're gonna play what over and over again for an hour? Seriously?!
  • Susan Polk Murder Trial - You know what they say, everyone who serves as their own defense lawyer has a fool for a client. Sit your giant ego down and hire a lawyer, woman.

phil spector


And now for some cases you probably didn't hear about:
  • Zero Tolerance - No one was injured when a Cessna two-seater made a crashlanding on a highway in Lebanon, Tennessee. The plane scraped the roof of a van and crashed into a sign that read, "Be Alert. Arrive Unhurt."
  • Fat Divorcee - A woman in Romania who had trouble keeping off excess pounds divorced her husband because he could not gain weight. Maria Alexandru told the court that she had become unbearingly jealous because her husband could eat non-stop without putting on a pound.
  • Alternate Lifestyle - A man in Lardal, Norway told police that a sex-crazed moose tried to mate with his car while it was parked in front of his house. Leif Borgersen said the moose covered his Ford Ka with lick marks and bodily fluids. Borgersen said when the moose got no response from the car, he pooped on it.
  • Loonies On The Path - Police in St. Tammany Parish, Louisiana claimed Gary Daunis displayed a combination of road rage and delusions of grandeur. Daunis allegedly had a flashing blue light on his dashboard and would pull over and verbally abuse drivers who cut him off. He was charged with impersonating an officer.
  • Cold Feet - Thieves in Mebane, North Carolina used two stolen big rig cabs to crash the gates at American Knitting Mills — and haul off two trailers full of knitted socks.
  • Key Evidence - Police arrested a robbery suspect in Albuquerque who couldn't get away from the scene because he'd lost his keys. Jeffery Anaya allegedy robbed the cashier at screwdriver-point — then returned to ask if she'd seen his keys while she was reporting the robbery to 911. Officials say Anaya was searching the parking lot for his keys when officers arrived.
  • Don't Drink, Drive and Smoke - An intoxicated man who was smoking a cigarette while filling a gas can ignited the can — which exploded and blew him 15 feet into the air. As his car burst into flames, the man landed on a nest full of angry ants. Brisbane, Australia police charged the man with drunk driving, driving without a license, public endangerment and driving an unregistered vehicle.
  • Oops - A volunteer firefighter in Hamilton was charged with impersonating an officer and unlawful restraint after using his vehicles's flashing red lights to pull over a traffic offender. Authorities say 19-year-old Anthony Barone pulled over a county judge.
  • Speed Trap and Then Some - Authorities in Kuala Lumpur blamed faulty equipment on a traffic ticket which charged a motorist with driving faster than the speed of sound. The automatic speeding ticket generator clocked Lee Ah Chai at 1,120 miles per hour. Another ticket accused a taxi driver of doing 695.
  • Twice Unlucky - A Boise, Idaho man shot himself twice in the butt while allegedly transporting a dog he had just stolen from a Collie breeder. Police say Philip Boivin shot himself while adjusting the gun hidden in the rear waistline of his pants — then shot himself again trying to unhook the trigger from a tag on his underwear. The dog was unharmed.
  • Crossing Jordan Psycho - A woman on the Spirit Of Washington Dinner Train took participation in the murder mystery a little too seriously. In a Woodinville Police report that begins, "It was a dark and mildly stormy night ... ," police said the passenger wrestled a prop gun from a dinner theater actress — disclocating the actress' shoulder and partially fracturing her knee.
  • Cigarettes Kill - A jokester in Woodbine, New Jersey filled a muzzle-loader with paper towel wads and cigarette butts and fired it at his roommate. His roommate was killed when three cigarette butts pierced his heart.
  • Wash Me - Two men accused of robbing a convenience store in a Providence, Rhode Island suburb were easily apprehended — thanks to some teens who were hanging around the parking lot. While observing the armed robbery in progress, one of the boys wrote "we are crooks" in the dust on the back of the suspects' SUV and called police. The suspects were pulled over and arrested three blocks from the store.
  • Getaway Driver Needed - No one believed a 67-year-old woman was serious about robbing a bank in Meunder, Germany — until she allegedly fired four shots in the air. The suspect fled with 25-thousand dollars cash, but police reported they had no trouble catching her because she drove extremely slowly.

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Nicknames

Stacy the Peanut Queen blogged about nicknames. Then she asked us what nicknames we've all had. Here is my response:

All through elementary school and middle school I was "Jones."

In the 8th grade I got nicknamed "Ex-Lax" after Michelle Joyce and Kevin Wright slipped me some chocolate Ex-Lax without telling me what it was and the teachers sent me home just in case the floodgates opened up.

In college the cheerleaders nicknamed me "pooter pants" because I farted a bunch during a practice and it smelled really bad. The girl I was working with at the time, Tabby Cobb, very much did not appreciate my fartiferousness. But then one of the girls on the squad, Julie Harris, while sitting down on the cold concrete floor, ripped an earthshattering fart that brought the entire practice to a halt. She smiled sweetly and said with a deep Southern drawl, "when I fart, I fart!"

After my first knee surgery a coworker nicknamed me "Festus" after the limping cowboy on "Gunsmoke."

After I started making more friends on the internet than I have in all of Memphis I became "Memphis" just because that's where I am. Been "Memphis" ever since.

I guess they'll call me something else when I move?
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Half Nekkid Thursday - Smile

mandrillmonkey
Happy HNT
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How do you talk?



Your Linguistic Profile:



65% General American English

30% Dixie

5% Yankee

0% Midwestern

0% Upper Midwestern




I shamelessly stole this from Le Chat Qui A Peur
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Girl Has Dog Attack Man's Genitals "As A Joke"

Dog nearly bit off man's penis

A German man playing with his brother's Jack Russell was hospitalised after the dog sunk its teeth into his penis.

Daniel Dietmaier, from Dueren, said the dog nearly bit it off after his brother's girlfriend told it to "attack" as a joke.

He is demanding substantial damages, saying the woman did not even help him as he lay on the floor in agony after beating off the dog because she had collapsed on the floor laughing.

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Teenager Repellent

New gadget repels teenagers

A new gadget repels gangs of teenagers by emitting a high-pitched noise that can be heard only by under 20s.

Police are backing the Sonic Teenager Deterrent, nicknamed the Mosquito because of its sound, reports the Daily Telegraph.

It annoys teenagers so intensely they have to clutch their ears. Eventually they can stand it no longer and have to move on.

But because the body's natural ability to detect some frequency wave bands diminishes almost entirely after 20, adults are completely immune.

The £622 black box, which can be attached to the outside wall of shops, offices and homes, sends out 80-decibel bursts of pulsing sounds at up to 16khz.

It sounds to youngsters like a demented insect or a very badly-played violin.

Howard Stapleton, a businessman and former electronics apprentice at British Aerospace, who was sick of youths hanging around outside his shop, came up with the idea.

Working in his bedroom in Merthyr Tydfil, and using his four children as guinea pigs, he came up with a prototype of his device and asked the local shop to test it.

"I got it so that only my kids hated it and my fianceƩ and I were completely unperturbed," he said. "We put up the prototype outside the store and almost immediately people stopped congregating.

"The beauty of it is that the noise does not have to be loud, just pitched at the right level which affects teenagers."

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10 Things for 10 People

I just stole this idea from Stacy the Peanut Queen. I have no idea what I'm going to say, but everyone who did it seemed to enjoy the experience so let's see if I do.

List ten things you want to say to people you know but you never will, for whatever reason. Don't say who they are. Use each person only once:

  1. Why don't you ever tell us what the fuck is going on? Every time I dig it up for myself I find out that for the most part you do have a reason for the things you do, but you never fucking explain it to anyone. And yes, sometimes you are clearly an idiot. If Reagan was the Great Communicator then you're the Great Silent Poot, 'cause you hardly ever say jack crap to us about the really important stuff.
  2. I love you. I've sacrified quite a lot for you. But I need you to stop fighting me on every damned thing, trying to take control and then throwing up your hands because you can't handle everything. You keeping running yourself crazy over and over and I keep rescuing you. I'm tired. Look where we are compared with where you were before me. Trust me.
  3. Stop calling 7 times a day and leaving stupid, rambling messages about what the dog did or how you've just emptied the trash or whatever floats through your mind and get a fucking life of your own. If you're so damned lonely then maybe you should stop pushing men away with all the feminist hate and bitterness and start working on becoming someone that a man can love, or at the very least, be with for more than 5 minutes without you going off on some feminazi rant. You spew hatred of men every single time we see you. You're like a volcano of vomitous misandry. You used to try to hide it, just like you hid all those nasty hateful books you read, but now it's to the point that you can't keep it in. You ARE your mother. She died alone, desperately clinging to her illusions of control and female supremacy. Maybe you should think about that?
  4. You have no friends because you're an asshole. You enjoy hurting people. It's the only thing in life that gives you any pleasure at all. How nice that you can quote the Bible chapter and verse and yet you don't believe in a single word of it. You're the most evil person I've ever met in my life. You fear me and hate me because I stood up to you and I was friends with every single beautiful coworker you wanted, but couldn't get close to. And most of all you fear me because I see through you like a plate glass window. And now I hear that your employer has finally begun to see through you, too. How nice. Oh, and just a prediction from me to you: your sons will hate you just exactly like you hate your own father and for the very same reasons. He must have been some kind of major asshole because you sure are. If not for Hussam serving as your lapdog you wouldn't have anyone to talk to at all, would you? Good God, what a huge ego you have! By the way, those women you couldn't get close to, they see through you to some extent, too. You have a permanent sneer on your face. Maybe you haven't noticed? Being perpetually arrogant and condescending may impress geeks, but the women around you saw it very differently, even when you attempted to smile and deceive them by playing nice. You have a hate-twisted smile. The most common thing they all said in regard to you was, "there's just something about him that I don't like. I don't know what it is, but I knew it the moment I saw him. He's evil. It's in his eyes." Apparently the eyes truly are the window to the soul.
  5. I love you. I don't mean I want to be your boyfriend or anything. I know that would creep you out. But I admire the crap out of you and I'm glad you're so happy. You're always so happy. You make every day brighter and happier and better than it was before you came along. I envy your happiness, but I think you deserve every bit of it. You are an amazing human being. You make me want to be, too.
  6. That voice you hear telling you how important you are is not God talking to you. That's the drugs you take making you insane. Your ego is just so enormous that you can't even pretend to hide it when the cameras are on you. You are one of those people we all hear about, the people who rise high and fall hard. Your life serves as a warning to the rest of us. Enjoy it while you can. A cell awaits you.
  7. Thanks for being there when I had no where else to run to. I know you didn't want me around, but for the most part you put up with me anyway. If there is anything decent in me it is probably because I grew up in your home instead of my own. You all deserve the success that you have. Strange as some of your relatives may be you are still a family of great people. I'd gladly change my name if you'd adopt me. You probably saved my life.
  8. Why I refused to see you for who you really are, I can't say. I guess it was denial. Now you are crippled and I can't even feel sorry for you. It's your own fault. The same stubborn stupidity that caused you to completely betray me, out of all of us, has led you to the place you are now. I gave you something that will help ease your pain and reduce the damage you keep doing, but you won't use it. You lie, like you so often do when talking with me, and claim you're using it. But you forget the lies and years later I catch you. You've been lying to me all along, haven't you? All these years you've just lied to me again and again. It's just so much easier for you that way, isn't it? So now I can't help you. You did this to yourself. I'll just make a note of it all and try to let it be a lesson for my benefit. At least you'll have taught me that much.
  9. Thanks for always being there. Every day you pop in with something bright to say. You cheer me up. I try to cheer you up. Together we keep on going, having never actually met.
  10. I don't understand you. Or maybe I do and it just isn't what I want it to be? Is it denial? You baffle me. No wonder men have spent their entire lives trying to figure you out. I think perhaps some people are teaching that you are what we'd all like for you to be, when in fact you are very different. I think perhaps we've completely lost our way. Or perhaps you've moved on and left us behind in the dark? Something clearly has gone wrong. Something has definitely changed. Did you poison the water and then take off for some reason? We're all crazy these days, but it seems almost universal. Meanwhile, you seem to be far from here. I've never felt this way before. Where did you go?
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How Irish Are You

You're 35% Irish

You're probably less Irish than you think you are...
But you're still more Irish than most.


I just shamelessly stole this idea from Leesa.
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SPF - brought to you by the letter C

st paddy

spf

SPF is brought to you this week by the letter C:
Letterman C
Your Couch
Your Coat
Your Candles



couch
Here it is. My Wife's new couch, just delivered and brand new.

Now we're both just a pair of lazy people who never move from this spot.

Damn you, La-Z-boy!


coat
Here's my coat.

It's warm out, so I'm not wearing it.

It doesn't necessarily look any better with me in it anyway.

But you'd probably look great in it, damn you!


candle
I don't know if I have any candles of my own anymore.

But My Wife does.

Dozens of them.

All scented and feminine.

They're freakin' everywhere in this house.

Damn you, Yankee Candle!





Happy St. Patrick's Day, by the way!

Yes, I know it's 2006, but I don't care. Look at that woman!
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Lost 2 In 1 Day

We have just lost Robin and Steph in the same day!
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Half Nekkid Thursday - Emergency

drunkpassedouttoiletman
Happy HNT - Kiss me, I'm Irish
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Gym Night (I'm Sweaty, You're Loud and Stupid)

The Keibler

Last night I went to the gym. I was late. It was crowded. I saw yet another pair of pink PINK pants on a hot young girl. Either they like the way they feel or they like the way they make their asses look, because there is a pair of these on at least one girl every single night.

While I was there I saw a woman I haven't seen in at least 5 years. She and I used to work out at the very first and only gym in My Little Redneck Town back before a storm blew it down. She looked the same - good. I know I don't look the same - not so good. At one point she walked around to where I was and stood right in front of me. It was noticeable because I was facing away from everyone and not where you would normally see anyone standing. Even so, she had walked around, stood in front of me looking past me, and then walked by me again and began working out next to me.

The thing about her that is so remarkable, other than that she is a hottie, is the amazing resemblance she has to the guy I used to work out with back in high school. I know, I just said she is a hottie, but bear with me for a minute here. I used to lift weights and kickbox with a guy who is apparently descended from the Vikings. He's Norse or Norwegian or a descendant of the Swedish bikini team or whatever. He's got blonde hair and blonde eyebrows and blonde eyelashes and sharp cheekbones and brown eyes, etc. He's 5'9" and a former gymnast, so he's of course built like a gymnast. Her features are almost identical, except she's closer to 5'6" and her blonde hair is long. And she has hips and breasts.

My former workout partner had a sister who was the town hottie. She used to hang out with My Youngest Sister and they partied together. They partied hard. My Sister, the wild-child of the family that couldn't be stopped by anyone or anything, couldn't keep up with her. They had even tried being roommates at one point, but had to split because My Sister couldn't deal with the constant flowing river of guys coming in and out to see The Viking Goddess 24 hours a day.

Now don't get me wrong, My Sister got her share. But she didn't have the genetics of The Viking Goddess. Picture Pamela Anderson pre-implants and pre-Tommy Lee and that is basically how my former workout partner's sister, My Sister's roommate, looked. She got a LOT of attention and she used every bit of it to her advantage. So the point is, a female version of the guy I used to work out with is not a bad thing.

So, getting back to this woman I recognized, she never said a word to me, and looking into her eyes as I did (yes, I honest to God look women in the eyes sometimes even when they're hot) I wondered if maybe she can't see well, but doesn't bother with glasses while working out because you don't need to see. I nearly ran into her while I was putting a weight back on the rack and she was getting one off, so I spoke to her.

"Didn't you used to work out at the very first gym here, back before it blew down in that storm?" I asked her.

She smiled and said, "yeah, I usually work out at Lifestyles in Bartlett now."

I happily responded, "I went to the new one that opened across the street. It was just closer."

"Yeah, I tried that one, but it just wasn't ... eh ..." she shook her head and frowned. "I didn't like it."

She went back to exercising, so I headed over to the abs area. One rule of the gym is that if you're talking to someone who is serious about working out, especially if they clearly have muscles and came to lift like she does, if they're done talking to you then go the hell away and let them work out. Just in case you didn't know that.

There was nothing remarkable about this workout. I did my thing. There were some annoying new people. There were three ghetto people who obviously came in for their first time.

You know how some black people in the ghetto seem to like making loud self-important speeches, like "woman, I am THE MAN and I am TELLING YOU that we must all JOIN TOGETHER and support the United Negro College Fund and EAT our VEGETABLES so that we can be STRONGER ... (pause for effect with lots of hand waving throughout) .. as a PEOPLE. Can I get an 'Amen'?" I mean, this is what rap music is all about, is it not?

Yeah, so there were 3 of these loud, very self-important Ghetto Children in there and one of them fancied himself a little Jesse Jackson. You know how Eddie Murphy likes to play a character of an old black man who marches around ranting and preaching as if everything he says is very important? Yeah, it was just exactly like that. He was going off, preaching and ranting, yelling and telling, imagining himself a fat, weak, professional trainer as he yelled at the girl who was with them, "COME ON! TWO MORE, I WANT TWO MORE! PUSH IT! PUSH IT! Ah woman, you don't even KNOW what you can do. You gotta PUSH IT. We gotta be STRONG."

Yeah, not a one of them knew shit about working out, but this guy was convinced that a lot of yelling was a very important part of it somehow.

The girl, for her part, was a good sport about it all. She was trying to go with it and be a part of the insanity. I could hear all three of them no matter where I went in the gym.

At the end of my workout I got on the treadmill to run. I was next to a beautiful girl who had been running for awhile. She had been looking at me out of the corner of her eye while I did abs. And I was looking at her with both eyes straight on because she was directly in front of me and good-looking and sort of looking at me. And what else was there to look at? So now I was next to her and we were both running.

I hadn't run a half a mile before my leg started to bother me. I stopped and tried to shake it out. Then I ran some more. Then my hip just started hurting like a mother. I have no idea what was wrong, but it felt like someone had knifed me. So I reluctantly got off the treadmill, sadly leaving the Beautiful Braless Brunette to run alone. I went over to the ellipticals. I did 3 miles while staring mindlessly at "Top Model" on the TV and wondered about my hip, which wasn't bothering me in the least on the elliptical machine. Next to me was some guy.

Yeeha.

Meanwhile, the Ghetto Children had come over and gotten on the machines just behind me. Of course I could hear every word they said.

"FASTER! You gotta go FASTER," the Preacher shouted at the Girl. "I don't want to see this drop below 4!"

Apparently some women were glaring at him, or else he suddenly felt self-conscious because then he said, "I mean US. WE both need to stay above 4." Now he was referring to himself and the other Ghetto Boy.

Then Ghetto Girl asked him "why are we doing this? I'm tired."

And then he oh-so-foolishly responded, "because you're FAT!"

Looooong deadly pause. It was suddenly very quiet throughout the entire gym.

I was silently thinking to myself "Oh my God, you did NOT just say that to her. You are a dead preacher man. She is going to beat your ass."

He wisely, if not quickly enough, tried to recover.

"I mean, we ALL are. We're ALL FAT and we gotta get in shape!" he shout-preached in a sudden reversal.

I listened for the sound of a Mad Black Woman beating some serious ass while screaming "OH-NO-YOU-DID-NOT-JUST-SAY-THAT-TO-ME-YOU-MUTHER-FUCKING-SON-OF-A ..." You know what I mean. You would have been waiting for it, too, if you had been there.

But there was nothing. Just silence. No screams. No angry crying. No whacking or slapping or sounds of running feet or pounding fists.

Then she laughed nervously and said something about being tired and sweaty.

"Man, you dodged a bullet, you fool," I was thinking as I attempted to psychically transmit my thoughts to his young brain. "You NEVER say that to a woman. NEVER FOR ANY REASON! NEVER NEVER NEVER!!!"

Yeah, so they were very young. She was shy and quiet for a loud ghetto person, not yet strong enough to blast this fool with her large poweful mouth and vocal chords while pounding blood and bone out of his punching-bag-shaped body. As for the Preacher, he was seriously overcompensating for his awkwardness by talking too much and of course too loud. I think they were all related because no way would she take that from a boy who wasn't her brother. No way in hell.

Finally The Ghetto Preacher and His Siblings left, without any bloodshed or fist fights, without any women leaping on The Preacher and murdering him or anything. Ah, silence!

"Top Model" cut the white girl who slouched, as I had silently predicted they would. Twiggy was right. She wasn't remarkable. Then again, several of the women weren't remarkable in any way, shape, or form. Still, she wasn't a model and wasn't going to make it anyway. And she was white.

I got on the stationary bike. I rode fast, trying to both push and pull with my legs like you're supposed to do. But I've clearly forgotten some details about proper riding because I never did slip into a groove. The Beautiful Braless Brunette was still running on the treadmill during all of this. If my hip hadn't bothered me I would be running with her. I probably would have been so inspired I would have run 7 or 8 miles just because of it. But it was not to be.

I got off the bike and stretched for several minutes, watching the Brunette from my spot on the floor. She was still looking at me out of the corner of her eye.

I changed clothes and started heading out the door. Meanwhile, the Beautiful Brunette was still running, still looking around, still looking fabulous and lonely. I went home for a shower.
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Email I Just Received

anna k

This is an email I just received HERE AT WORK:

To:
From: Will
Subject: Want to meet?

Hello my dear friend

I was looking through the web few weeks ago and found your profile. Now I decided to email you to get to know you better. I am coming to your country in few weeks and thought maby be we can meet each other. I am pretty looking girl. I am 25. Do not reply to this address directly. Email me back at kjq@lookyouniceboy.info

OK, all my niggas and biotches, let's establish a few things here. I NEVER give out my work email, so clearly this person is phishing. Secondly, it says it's from Will, which is a man's name where I come from, but then it claims "I am pretty looking girl." Perhaps Will imagines he's a woman trapped in a man's body? Maybe Will is short for Wilma Flintstone?

And what profile of mine did Will find that made him/her/ew want to get to know me better in the first place?

I like the part where Turdbutt says "I am coming to your country" and then says "I am pretty looking girl." Can't you just hear Natasha from Rocky and Bullwinkle saying these words with that thick fake Russian accent? I immediately picture Anna Kournakova using up all my money like she did to a certain pro hockey player also from Russia who thought he was in love. Yeah, and she was the real deal and look how she treated him.

So, I'm thinking even if Will here really were a Russian girl I still don't want to meet her. Most likely Will is a dorky Star Trek loving guy in Saudi Arabia looking for a sucker for various other purposes of which I want no part. Yeah, so eat me and fuck off.

killer

Now watch this actually be a hot girl from Russia who wants an American man to have wild random sex with and no strings attached. Yeah, that'd be my luck. Ah well, a married man can't play that game anyway so I guess I'll just leave this sitting in my inbox, having just been forwarded by me to everyone I know here at My Company. We're all having a laugh, but it's still weird.

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Sunday

boy and dog pray
It's Sunday. Go to church, damn you! *




* Except for you, Trish, 'cause you're Orthodox Jewish and go on Saturday
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Where Is Memphis?

she loves cock

It's the weekend. I'm not here.

What? You think I blog every day? I have a life.

Well, OK. No I don't. But I'm not here every single day.
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SPF


spf logo


OK, so this week the theme was trash cans, junk drawers and trunks.
I kind of screwed it up, but at least I'm playing.
What can I say?

trash can
My Trash Can


It was just emptied the other day. Nothing exciting, but this photo was taken during a tornado warning, so maybe you can imagine you hear the wind whistling and howling, 'cause it really, really was. I went outside thinking the can would be gone, but it wasn't.


junk drawer
My Junk Drawer

Yippee! This is my crap. It's just random and odd junk really. If you look close you can see my code key to log in to my job from home. Don't peek at the number or you might be tempted to break in. No, actually it changes every 10 seconds. Did you watch "Medium" the other night? Yeah, it's one of those.


Chevelle
My Trunk

Hey, I wasn't sure if this is what she meant, so I didn't think to take a picture with the trunk open. For some reason I thought she meant an old cedar chest or something. I was just doing car trunk because it was the only trunk I had. Anyway, there's nothing in there but a spare tire. And a body.
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Half Nekkid Thurday - Cold Shoulder


Happy HNT!
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Men With Rights?

Well, this is an interesting article. I think it's particularly interesting that they interviewed several feminists who quite predictably oppose rights for men for this article, even going so far as to give Kim Gandy of NOW the final word, but they have never interviewed any men who oppose feminist special privilege for articles about any of their lawsuits.

This lawsuit will of course fail, not because the men are wrong in what they argue, and I'm not taking a position one way or the other, but it will fail because the enormous taxpayer-funded female-supremacist political machine will easily crush it.

This article did do one thing, though. I had no idea this group even existed before today.
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Dance, Turd Monkey, Dance!

You will all be pleased to know that I have pooped today. Yes, I created a poop and it was good. And thus I called it "poop" and flushed it down into the Great Abyss. Yeah, tho the Cubs are playing they shall not win the pennant.

I am SO tired today. I ran right out in front of an 18-wheeler and a long line of cars piled up behind it. The worst part is that I didn't even see the 18-wheeler or any of the cars piled up behind it. I was mesmerized by a Jeep Wagoneer or whatever that had done a donut in the intersection and was now trying to turn back onto the street I was pulling out from and thus was blinded to a giant herd of monstrous vehicles about to crush me.

You have to be pretty damned tired to not see an 18-wheeler and a line of cars piled up behind it, especially when it's right on top of you.

Boy, wouldn't THAT have made for a fascinating episode of "Loonies On The Path?!"

I'm writing to you from my hospital bed where they have just removed my legs ....

Yeah, chuckles all around.

So anyway, I'm tired and have a lot of work to do today. I can barely keep my head up. I had to work last night because some geniuses here decided to reboot a server at the precise moment one of my applications kicks off and so they screwed me. Thus I had the pleasure of staying up and dealing with the carnage. Thank you. Thank you one and all for picking that precise moment for your reboot. I hope I can return the favor one day.

This is why we need stronger coffee here at work.

Did I mention I am tired? I nearly got killed by an 18-wheeler. Did I tell you that? It's true.

Does God save us from things like that or are we all just walking a tight-rope without a net and whatever happens happens? Sometimes I don't know what I believe about all that. I used to think he was the net below us, but now I'm older and I see things that make me believe that he took his hands off and left us here to live or die, prosper or suffer, purely by chance and circumstance. I mean, clearly there are some people that God seems to give the whole world to, but for the most part it just seems like he's only watching.

This should really be a separate post. I already had a series called "Thoughts On God" and this really belongs with that. But as I said, I'm tired. My thoughts are pouring out onto the keyboard randomly. This is usually a bad thing. I think I edited the Paris Herpes article that way. At the time I thought it was funny because it was SO close to the actual article. But no one else thought it was funny and now I don't even care to reread it. It has lost its' sparkle, much like Paris Herpes has. I mean, Paris Hilton. And then, really, when you have $200 million and you're the host of every important New York party you can buy a lot of new sparkle. Really, she hasn't lost it for long. She'll be back with more.

Ow, I think I have a kidney stone. That sucks.

Didn't do the gym last night. Too tired. Been tired for awhile now. Never seem to get enough rest.

How many of you are slowly moving over towards MySpace or various other blog-like sites? I'm just curious.
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TMI Tuesday

Go see LizzieDaisy if you want to play.

1) On a scale of 1-10, how modest are you?

I'm the most modest person ever to hide such greatness behind modesty. I'm a raging 10.

2) Have you ever had sex while you or your partner was tied up?

Yeah, she was on the phone with her mom and real busy.

3) What is your greatest strength? Weakness?

My strength: I can blind the Krav Magna instructor with one fart.
Weakness: I'm a man. You can guess the weakness. I don't even want to discuss it.


4) Have you ever gone to a motel for the sole purpose of having sex?

Yeah, but I didn't find it there. She took it and me to some other guy's house and I peed in his living room floor.

5) Have you ever had sex in the snow? Rain?

Snow: Did you ever watch the movie "Joe Dirt" when that dog got his balls frozen to the porch? Yeah, no sex in the snow, thank you very much.

Rain: Not that I remember. I haven't known too many girls who would do me in the rain. Sorry if I've blown your image of me as a super stud.

Bonus (as in "optional"): Have you ever stuffed your bra if you are female, or stuffed your pants if you are male?

I have never stuffed my bra or my pants, except with my very own natural abundance.
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Got Nuthin

I got nothing to say today. I probably shouldn't have posted anything at all. My drive was uneventual. My poop was ordinary. The coffee is nothing special. The weather is just OK. I'm tired. I have work to do. I've posted and pulled a couple of things several times before saying "what's the use" and dropping them in draft. My nuts only itch a little bit today. My boss is in town unexpectedly.

What can I tell you? It's a barren wasteland here today.
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Bruce Lee In His Younger Days

chinesedrunk
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Man Says Paris Hilton Has Herpes, Gets Restraining Order

parisandparissign

LOS ANGELES (Parody) — A flaming Hollywood PR consultant who says he introduced Paris Hilton to one of her boyfriends, Greek shipping heir Stavros Nachos, was granted a permanent restraining order Tuesday against the heiress, whom he claims threatened to put a hit out on him after he told Nachos she was blazing with a sexually transmitted disease.

Former Hilton pal Brian Quintana testified that he feared for his "little gay life" after an alleged "set-up" on Jan. 7, the day he was invited to an after-hours party by a man he identified only as "a former U.S. President."

"I received a phone call telling me not to show up at this party — that it was a set-up and there was a hit on me," Quintana said.

Hilton was not present in court Tuesday, but her intensely Jewish attorney Howard Weitzman laughed out loud at a dirty joke his assistant told to him in court. He refused to repeat it, but did admit it was a "really good blonde joke."

"Do you still fear The Paris?" Quintana's attorney Richard Lloyd Sherman continued.

"Of course I do, sweetie" he said. "A, she's got money shooting out of her ass, and 2, she's a massive drug addict."

Hilton's moderately Jewish publicist, Elliot Mintz, told Nude Memphis that Quintana was trying to humiliate the heiress to gain media attention for himself.

"I just listened to his descriptions of The Paris' conduct and they're totally contradictory to my knowledge of her," Mintz told Nude Memphis, adding later: "OK, well maybe they're not totally contradictory, but he's a freak and you can't trust what he says because he's never slept with her so how would he know?"

Intensely Jewish attorney Weitzman called Quintana a terrible dresser who was trying to "create a little pink media circus."

Los Angeles Superior Court Commissioner Timothy Murphy said Quintana's fashion sense might be in question, but Hilton's side did not present any evidence to refute his claims that she was blazing with herpes and hooked on heroin.

"I'm going to go ahead and grant the order," Murphy said, "and I just wish you had paid me off like I asked. I mean, we all know she's got the money. This could easily have gone the other way."

Quintana told reporters he was "relieved" at the judge's decision, calling it a "victory for the little gay guy."

Relationship sours

With a media-savvy team of New York Jewish legal powerhouses representing Hilton, and a gaggle of cameras and reporters waiting outside the courthouse, Quintana arrived for court with as much press preparedness as he could muster.

He was accompanied by two uncircumcised gentile attorneys and an Irish sheriff's deputy. He wore a dark blue suit, blue shirt, gold tie, and a thin layer of foundation makeup on his face, making him look a little bit like Michael Jackson, but without the monkey or his soon-to-be-molested child by his side, and of course without the burka.

"I get shiny," he explained. "Does anyone have some mascara? Anyone? Anyone ... let me borrow a little?"

Quintana testified that he had a "social relationship" with Hilton ever since they were introduced two or three years ago when he was her hairdresser, and that he would sometimes walk her down the red carpet, or mingle with her at restaurants and parties in the course of his PR work and as a "producer of special events."

"I kept him around for when my little doggy woggy was too tired to go with me," The Paris told Nude Memphis via telephone. "He was like a little gay lapdog, except with no interest whatever in my lap if you know what I'm saying."

Quintana said Nachos had been an acquaintance who turned into a client about a year ago when Nachos began doing actress Mary-Kate Olsen and needed someone to field press calls about the relationship.

In November 2004, Quintana said he introduced The Paris, now 24, and Nachos, 20, at the "Gay Fashionistas" book launch party in Hollywood, and the two later became an item.

"The Paris likes young boys," Quintana said. "She likes to be in control. She likes to rip their designer clothes off and rape them until they can't take it anymore. Sometimes they cry. She's like an animal. Well ... it's all in that video. I mean, this is all over the internet. I'm not telling anything that people didn't already know."

A photo of Quintana and The Paris at the party is featured among a gallery of photos of Quintana with various gay celebrities and politicians posted at the Web site for his Milagros Entertainment company.

Quintana, 37, said the cooling of Hilton's affections toward him began shortly after she started dating Nachos in fall 2005.

"I already had a dog and now I had a boyfriend," Paris said, "what did I need a little gay Mexican for?"

Quintana alleged that The Paris shoved him in "the boobies" one night and said, "I f---ing hate you, bitch" after she found out he had planted stories in the press saying that Nachos had dumped her.

At an American Music Awards post-party, Quintana testified, "she whacked me on the forehead with her Sidekick ... she said it was an accident, but then she backed it up and tried to hit me again. She loved her Suzuki Sidekick more than she ever loved me."

But when Star magazine called him in late November or early December 2005 to ask if The Paris had herpes and if Nachos knew, Quintana claims he said "no comment" and then consulted Nachos.

"I wanted him to be aware of it — that she was blazing with all kinds of herpes. To make sure he didn't catch anything. Because I loved him. God help me, I love him ... He informed me that he was [aware]," Quintana testified tearfully.

The Paris walked in during the middle of their conversation, Quintana said, and became "pissy."

"She said, 'This is between the three of us, if this gets out you're a f---ing dead faggot,'" Quintana testified, saying he initially "dismissed it as the heroin talking."

Hilton's attorney took issue with the Suzuki Sidekick story, and suggested the Star reporter later told Quintana he wasn't going to publish it "because it wasn't true. Paris would never drive a Suzuki."

"No, he told me he wasn't going to run it as a professional courtesy to Elliot [Mintz] who he's known for umpteen gazillion years," Quintana said, as he checked his makeup in a little compact mirror.

Menacing voices

Quintana said his relations with the heiress soured further after the "blazing herpes" conversation, and claimed she cut him out of Stavros' social engagements and blackballed him to mutual associates. In response, he arranged for all three to sit down with Mintz.

"The Paris came down smoking "a big fat doobie" and was on her second cocktail. She wasn't interested in talking ... she kept staring at the patterns in the wallpaper and eating chips. It was not a productive meeting," Quintana said over the objections of The Paris' attorney.

Mintz says the meeting was The Paris' idea. She was concerned about the negative publicity she and Nachos were receiving, and denied that she had been drinking or smoking pot.

"She was concerned that Brian was the cause of some of the static," Mintz said. "The Paris wanted him to sign a confidentiality statement."

Quintana said that on Dec. 23 he began to get threatening phone calls from The Paris, who was vacationing in Maui with Nachos and her family.

"She was ranting and raving," Quintana testified. "She said, 'You ruined my f---ing vacation ... you've ruined my life. You're a f---ing dead man. I'm going to put a contract out on your gay little pink ass."

Immediately after, he received a call from a woman he believed to be The Paris' hot younger sister, Nicky. She told him to leave the couple alone and "lose their numbers," he claimed.

"I grew concerned, because I knew The Paris to be an erratic person because of her use of drugs and alcohol," Quintana said over Weitzman's objections.

Quintana said he also received calls at home and on his cellphone from men with macho voices who told him he was a fairy princess.

On Dec 28, he said, he received five "warning" calls back-to-back from The Paris and mutual associates, who were vacationing with the Hiltons in Maui.

He filed a police report in the early morning hours of Dec. 29 and claimed he has been to therapy for emotional distress, bleeding ulcers and a back rash due to his continued stress.

"He's been to therapy for his sick and twisted fascination with his own mother," The Paris said. "He's more fucked up than Norman Bates."

In her Feb. 6 legal response to Quintana's restraining order request, The Paris stated, "I called Brian Quintana in an effort to get him to stop following or contacting my close friend Stavros or me because Quintana was causing me emotional distress. He was a big pain in the ass."

She also stated she was "scared and angry because of his following and constant phone calls," and an alleged criminal past involving little boys.

"Mr. Quintana, you lied under oath before, have you not?" Weitzman asked him Tuesday.

"Yes," he said. "Lied like Clinton. Like both Clintons, whom you voted for several times."

In a 1995 civil suit, Quintana testified, he signed a statement saying he had an "ailment," which he later admitted he did not have.

"I don't really have AIDS," he admitted finally.

A standard stay-away order is typically three years and 100 yards, but the attorneys said they would work together to devise an order that will not interfere with the pair's ability to attend the same celebrity functions.

"He got his day in the sun," intensely Jewish Hilton attorney Weitzman said. "And in effect, we got what we wanted. The Paris wants nothing to do with him."
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Stupid Woman Puts 'Sex Offender' Sign on Wrong House


It's a TRAP!

BELLA VISTA, Ark. - A woman in Benton County hung a sign on a neighbor's door warning people that the man who lived there was a sex offender.

But there were two problems: she had the wrong house, and even if she had the right house, police say sex offender notifications can't be used to harass released convicts.

"Don't play here. Child molester lives here," the sign said, according to a police report.

Carolyn Hansen of Bella Vista also posted warnings in a nearby park. Those signs said, "There is a child molester here. Keep children out of the park."

Hansen told sheriff's investigators she'd been told by her daughter that a sex offender who moved to the neighborhood lived in the house.

The signs were collected, but a deputy saw Hansen posting the fliers again and stopped her.

After Hansen learned the address she had was the wrong one, she apologized to the man she targeted, deputies said. The man didn't want her prosecuted so she was not charged, Benton County sheriff's investigator Barb Shrum said.

The names, addresses and photographs of all level 3 and 4 sex offenders are available on the Arkansas Crime Information Center Web site. A sex offender listed on the registry had moved near the park.

The center's Web site notes that the information is provided to the public as a service, but "anyone who uses this information to commit a criminal act against another person is subject to criminal prosecution" which obviously didn't happen in her case.

"The whole point of this is to be able to keep your family and your neighborhood safe from these people, but you can't harass them," Shrum said.

Yeah, that's the theory, but everyone knows how it's really going to be.
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The Continuing Saga of a Gym Rat

Kimmy

I went to the gym Wednesday night, having missed my normal Tuesday workout because my stomach wasn't feeling right. A lot of the New Year's Resolution People have gone, thank God. It was still pretty crowded, but I was a little late and I knew the freeweights would be mostly free long enough for me to get rolling until the other equipment cleared off a bit.

I started off doing some bench and bent over rows with dumbbells. I was clearly confused because this wasn't at all what I had planned to do. Apparently once I got to the gym the sweaty atmosphere impaired my brain a bit. Anyway, after that I went over to the other side to do abs. Along the way from one side of the gym to the other I observed numerous hot girls, most of whom were way too young for me no matter how hard I held my stomach in. Several of them were dressed in matching green "Pink" pants and showing their asses to me. This seems to be a trend now, the wearing "Pink" pants and sticking asses out in my direction. I can't complain until I get arrested or assaulted for looking, which may occur any day now.

whosepictureisthis

Anyway, once I got to the ab equipment I observed that there were several young girls over there, probably in high school. I tried to manuver around to where I could do my workout and not be staring directly at them because, let's face it, they're distracting. While I was exercising a great many more women and girls passed by me coming in to work out or going out because they were finished. I was surprised at how many were coming in even later than I had.

After finishing my first round of abs I escaped the young girls' corner and fled to the freeweights again. While I was over there a couple came in, looked around, and came over to the freeweights. They both looked to be in their early to mid twenties. He was lean, but with enough muscle to catch the girls' eyes. She was brunette, with long beautiful hair, a lean, tall body, and large, gravity-defying, apparently authentic breasts. When she entered you could hear the air being sucked away by everyone collectively gasping. She was incredibly beautiful.

HalleBerryLift

At this point I think my brain shut down. I vaguely recall continuing my workout, but I couldn't tell you what I did. I can tell you everwhere she went and everything she did, though. She did some freeweights for a short time. Then she went over to the machines for abs and legs. Then back to the freeweights to collect her boyfriend. Then they went together to do abs. After that I think they left. It was at this point that I realized that I had actually been meaning to go do more abs right before she went over there, but I had become so unhinged by her that I lost my mind and didn't remember to go do them until she had finished and left. What the hell was I thinking?!

BigCondom

Then again, how embarassing would it have been to be over there doing abs with her and then fall off the exercise ball because I was involuntarily moving myself around to see her? Humiliation like this I don't need. And from the way she carried herself and the expression on her face I don't think she would have been flattered. She had that "I know you all want me, but leave me the hell alone" way about her. Sometimes when a woman is as beautiful as that she gets more attention than she can stand. And when she's in her twenties and looking for Mr. Right and only Mr. Right she's usually the most inclined to get sick of the attention from the rest of us. Especially when it comes from us married old fuckers.

JessicaAlbaPlayboy

Anyway, she left and I could think again. I went and did more abs.

While doing abs I became aware of 2 high school girls with fabulous tans who were not only discussing their fabulous tans while sprawled out in front of me, but were also doing a pretty good job of showing those fabulous tans and the lack of tanlines to me. At first I thought they were just oblivious to me, but then I caught them catching me out of the corner of their eyes while they bent in such a way that I could see clearly that they had no white patches at all, not even under their buttchecks or in the space between.

tanned girl cooter

Yes, I kid you not. I saw it all. I could have given these girls a pelvic exam with my eyes they were so proud of their tans. And I'm not really complaining, but it felt really odd to be looking at them and thinking I was old enough to be their teacher. I could have even been their father if I had started young enough. Apparently they didn't care. "Look at these great tans."

VidaGuerraHottie

While this was going on another good-looking girl came over and started sprawling in front of me. She was tall and dark and wearing a half-top. I wasn't sure how old she was until she started talking to them. Apparently she was young enough to know them pretty well, so maybe she was in college or high school.

I was surrounded by hot, very young, well-tanned girls. I really didn't want to lear at these girls. It just felt weird. So I tried to turn and look some other direction. It was then that I noticed that a squadron of really beautiful women had come in.

It was late. I think it was 8:30 or 9 and these women had appeared out of nowhere and attacked the elliptical machines. They were much closer to my own age so I felt less guilty about looking at them. One of them I have seen several times. She's dark and impressive. I can't tell if she's Hispanic or from the Middle East or what, but she's extremely impressive. I stare way too much whenever she comes in. Unfortunately, she is far less interested in showing me her great tan than the very young girls are. In fact, she mostly ignores me with an amazing degree of focus. One time she nearly ran over me she was ignoring me so well. The other women with her were all beautiful blondes. They were all impressive. Across from them on the treadmills was a beautiful young blonde girl running and bouncing and talking to a large, "plus sized" girl.

It was time for me to run. But first I needed to use the bathroom. So I went into the men's locker room and released some water. Yeeha. Then back out to the treadmill.

I had walked all the way from the men's locker room to the exact center of the gym when I became aware that something was following me. Looking behind me and down I saw that I had exactly one long strand of toilet paper stuck to the bottom of each of my shoes. Yes, I had walked halfway through the gym trailing two lovely ribbons of gleaming white toilet paper.

PeePeeSleepingBag

What was it that Lucky Lum was saying about carrying yourself with confidence? It's so hard to do sometimes. I was surrounded by beautiful women, some of whom were trying to show me their womanly parts, now nicely tanned, and some were trying to pretend I didn't exist at all. And I, I was marching around trailing toilet paper from my shoes. Yeah baby!

I tore off the paper and carried it with as much dignity as I could to a nearby trash can. Then I turned and went back to the treadmills, relieved that I had at least discovered the paper before getting on the treadmills in front of the beautiful women on the ellipticals and running while trailing TP tails for several miles.

Then again, I'll bet the exotic, dark beauty would have noticed me then, eh?

JessicaAlbaSmile

The beautiful young blonde and her plus-sized friend had finished their treadmill workouts and gotten off, so I got on hers. Blondie had been running on the one I usually use. It's in a position facing exactly away from the beautiful squadron of elliptical women so that I'm less distracted by them and better able to zone out into my own pathetic, toilet-paper dragging world.

I ran for 2 miles before I became painfully aware that my knee was having issues. Something wasn't right and I wasn't enjoying this at all. So I ran for one more mile and got off. The leg machines that I suddenly and unmistakably needed are located directly in front of the treadmills, facing the wall underneath the TV sets that hang up above. It felt as if I was having issues with a muscle imbalance. Years of cross country and track have given me runner's knees, which simply means that my outer quad is way too strong compared to the rest of my leg muscles. Injuries and knee surgeries from soccer haven't helped this at all. So I was doomed to do leg curls and leg extensions until my legs couldn't bend anymore for the rest of the night.

I began happily rotating back and forth between machines, one set of leg curls and one set of leg extensions. Suddenly I was besieged by the hot, tanned high school girls. They stole my leg extension machine. Damn those hot, tanned, young girls! Now I was thus forced to keep doing set after set of leg curls until I was totally shot and almost out of weights I could drop off and still be lifting something. But just as I was running out of gas in my hamstrings they finished and moved over to the ab machine next to the leg machines. I got up and waddled to the leg extension machine like a cripple.

"Are you both finished with this," I asked them, now looking directly at their faces up close for the first time.

They were both physically attractive, but one had a much prettier face than the other. The prettier girl turned to me and said "oh yes, you can have it." And she released a big, wide smile. It was a great smile. It made me feel happy all of a sudden. She looked like an athlete, not very tall, but built for sports and in great shape. And of course, she had a great tan.

I sat down and burned my quads until the woman behind the counter at the front of the gym came over the PA system and announced, "the gym will be closing in 30 minutes." Oops, it's really late.

I went back to the ab area to stretch. As I was all sprawled out with my legs apart and my shorts flaring up to show my lovely manhood in all its' glory to the entire gym another beautiful girl came over and laid out directly in front of me. I did my best to press the legs of my shorts down to keep anything from falling out. I was making an assumption that she possibly did not want to see my manhood. I didn't ask her though. I'm sure the squadron of beautiful elliptical women also appreciated this, as my manhood was in clear view from their location and we could all easily see each other. I know this because my penis had begun asking me "who is that really hot brunette over on the elliptical?"

After stretching I picked my sweaty, smelly, limping self up and walked slowly past the ellipticals, walking behind the mysterious brunette and her blonde friends with the assumption that if any of them wanted to look at me they would turn their heads and do so, but if they did not then they would no doubt prefer I not walk in front of them and distract them from their view of the TV sets and the hot tanned high school girls. I changed clothes in the locker room and slowly shuffled out the front door. As I did so, the beautiful blonde girls who work behind the desk shouted, "have a nice night!"

I smiled and replied, "thanks, you too."

As I drove home through my own neighborhood I passed a small SUV that was dropping off a girl. She was standing in front of the headlights in her driveway and looked at me as I was driving past. I turned my head to look at her. It was the hot, tanned, high school girl who had smiled at me and shown me her tanned cooter, but she wasn't smiling now.

Uh oh, she probably thinks I'm a psycho stalker following her home.

I parked in my driveway and went inside the house. My Wife greeted me lovingly, "You stink!"

"Thanks Honey, I love you, too."
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