We Want to Know


What? Wednesday again? Well then, it's WWKW time!

{1} You have been asked to give a 10 minute speech to teenage girls. What is it about?

If they're hot teenage girls then it's about why performing oral sex on grown men is a great idea. If they're not, then it's about why abstinence is a good idea. No, I'm kidding. It'd be about why I'm going to be in the girls locker room with a video camera and how it's all perfectly legitimate and there is no need to be alarmed and they should pay no attention and go about their business like normal. And also, I won't be wearing any pants, but that's simply because it gets hot and humid in a girls lockeroom and I sweat a lot, so no need to be alarmed at that, either.

{2} Do you have a pet? Tell us about them. No pets? Why?

I have a cat. He is a sponge predator and we don't know why. He won't leave them alone and devours them if he can get his paws on them. He also won't bury his poop in the litterbox and doesn't do a very good job of cleaning himself, so he sometimes smells. But he's mostly a lovable cat, when he isn't peeing in the floor, so we put up with him.

{3} What is the biggest inconvenience about the place you’re currently living?

It won't sell. But then again, they tell me this is a nationwide problem. Thanks, Barney Frank and Eric Holder, you assholes. Other than that, it is a really nice place and we hate to leave it, but it's located in the Memphis area and that in and of itself is reason enough to move.

{4} What do you think is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

When I was about 10 years old, I decided to become a Dallas Cowboys fan. It was a hard decision because everyone in my family loved college football, but no one ever watched pro. I knew none of the teams so I would just cheer for whichever teams had the coolest helmets. I liked the Rams and the Eagles and the Raiders, but ultimately had to stick to my roots and go with the team from Texas. That same year they went all the way to win the Superbowl. That sealed the deal for me. I've been a Cowboys fan ever since, despite Jerry Jones being a huge pain in the ass.

{5} What are the THREE "nevers" of your life? (things you would never do or have never done)

I never ... wait, isn't this a drinking game that college cheerleaders play at cheerleading camp? Well, it was for us. Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah ...

I never had sex in the shower with 2 girls at once. Most showers are too damn small and nobody likes having their back pressed against those cold, nasty walls. I also know which cheerleaders have and which have not done this based on who had to drink, thank you very much.

I never shot anyone in the testicles with a Taser, and I never would. I think this is an obvious act of sexual torture and should be illegal in all circumstances. Clearly it isn't, though, because the police do it every single day, and then Taser the friends and family of the men they are Taser-raping when those people instinctively try to stop the horrific indecency of what they are seeing. You would think the fact that it is a gross violation of the public sense of decency, the basis for all our sex crime and pornography laws, coupled with our federal law prohibiting torture, would be enough to make this an automatic federal offense. But no, it happens every single day and often results in the complete destruction of the male victim's genitalia, a total emasculation, as well as his bladder, leaving him wearing adult diapers for the rest of his life. And yet no lawmakers will do or say anything about it.

I never threw a shoe at a sitting US President. I had a chance to meet former President Jimmy Carter once, but I admitted that I might be tempted to hit him in the face, either with a shoe or just my fist, and so I turned down that opportunity. I don't regret my decision to this day, especially now that we have Jimmy Carter II in the White House fucking us all over again.

So there you go. That's it. You're turn. What are three things that you have never done?

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