Real Men

US Congressman John Boehner

Let's get a few things straight here. Men have taken a real beating over the past 40 years and its about damn time we did something about it. But before we can even get up and fight, we have to establish some things first. For example, what it means to be a real man and what it definitely does not mean.

What It Means to be a Real Man

1) Real Men watch football, drink beer, and leer at women who dress like whores while hanging around inside men's locker rooms claiming to be a reporter.

2) Real men say "sex" when talking about a person's biological sex and never say "gender" like the PC bitches do. Sex is a biological fact and real men aren't confused about their sex. Gender is a vague, politically correct, virtually meaningless word that certain lesbians use to obscure the fact that they're trying to be men without the benefit of the required parts and accessories. I person can change their gender based on the clothes they wear and how they choose to present themselves at any given moment. It means nothing. Fuck 'gender' - real men only use that word when modifying a noun, as in "what's the gender of the word 'pencil' in German? Is it Der or Das?"

3) Real men save people's fucking lives, even when it requires them to risk their own. You won't see any video footage of feminist lesbians running into the World Trade Towers pulling people out. You won't see any women at all doing that in the film footage of the attacks on New York. And you won't see any men in pink polo shirts or pink ties saving anyone, either, 'cause they're all a bunch of sensitive, in-touch-with-their-feminine-side, Momma's boy, fucking pussies. If you doubt me, look up the footage for yourself. There's lots of it on the internet. The only people you'll see charging into those collapsing buildings to help people are real men.

4) Real men love cool cars. That's why American car companies went broke before they finally brought back their best muscle cars. Real men hadn't seen a decent man's car coming out of Detroit in a very long time, so we just fixed up the old cars and made them cooler than anything coming off the assembly lines brand new. In fact, we did such a good job of fixing up the old cars that we created a multi-billion dollar industry that does nothing but supply parts for cool old manly cars. That's how much we hate the fucking cheap, plastic, girlie cars that Detroit has been puking out for the past 20 or so years.

5) Real men call a bullshitter a bullshitter. They don't care if it's the President of the United States. If he's talking bullshit a real man shouts "you lie" loud and proud to make sure the lie doesn't go unchallenged. Real men can't stand liars and bullshitters, especially when it really matters.

6) Real men expect justice from the courts, and when the courts are so corrupt that they stop giving it, real men take up their guns and go out and get it for themselves. Then they go into those corrupt courts and throw the crooked fucktards out into the streets, where they belong. Real men can't tolerate injustice without trying to do something about it.

7) Real men change their own flat tires, oil, brakes, and know how to grease a suspension or rotate a set of tires. And when they see a woman stranded on the side of the highway they stop and change her flat tire, too, even when she's fat.

8) Real men will hold the door open for you just because it's a decent thing to do, rather than slamming it in your face because they're too selfish and self-absorbed to give a shit about anyone else.

9) Real men are secure enough with who they are that they don't have to strut, or put on airs, or push other men around, or put other men down to impress women. They only shout when necessary and take only as much shit as is reasonable. When they shout, it is because it is time for shouting. And when they fight, it is because it is time for fighting. But they don't feel a need to impress others. They do what they do because it should be done, not because of how it makes them look.

10) Real men love women - naked women, bikini women, leather and latex-covered women, stripper women, athletic women, soft women, tight pants women, short-skirt women, and all kinds of women. Even after 40 years of man-hating feminist dogma and lies calling men's love hate, real men still love women. Men can't help it, even after all the abuse. The day real men stop loving women will be the day the last real man has died, or more likely, been murdered by a feminist who then claims to be the 'real victim' and gets away with it in court.

What It Does Not Mean to be a Real Man

1) Real men don't let women define what constitutes being a real man. Only real men get to define what makes a real man versus a fucking pansy-ass Nancy boy like Barack Obama.

2) Real men don't wear fucking pink ties while fighting important battles in our Congress. Pink represents a lot of things, but power and strength is not among those things. Pussy, sex, strippers, baby blankets, breast cancer, and Mary Kaye, this is what pink represents.

3) Real men don't watch Oprah. In fact, real men won't even allow anyone else to watch Oprah on their TV or in their house even if it's their own mother visiting for Mother's Day. "Sorry Mom, but that shit isn't allowed in my house."

4) Real men don't ever, for any reason, encourage anyone to kick another man in the nuts. It's just understood that this is wrong. The only guys who encourage this are losers and douchebags who got beat up a lot in school and/or still get beat up a lot in bars because they're assholes, and martial arts instructors who still live with their mothers and have never been married because they spend all their time letting high school girls kick them in the nuts while they try desperately to come up with the courage to ask her out. Karate instructors are almost always single men with only one testicle and their virginity still intact. Douchebags at least get laid by drunk girls with poor judgement every now and then. Neither qualifies as a real man, though.

5) Real men don't drive a Toyota Prius, Honda Insight or the new, ridiculous Chevy Volt. They also don't drive tiny cars the size of a riding lawnmower with an engine even less powerful than their Cub Cadet, such as the Honda Fit or Toyota Yaris. In fact, real men don't drive anything with a gay name like Yaris. It could be a huge truck, but with a name like Yaris its clearly intended for your sister.

6) Real men didn't vote for Obama. Everything that man said and did while campaigning for office was aimed exclusively at women. Real men don't get sucked into girlie marketing shit like that. Real men who couldn't stomach that great white embarrassment, John McCain, simply voted independent or else wrote in their own name. Real men are ready to assume the role of President should the impossible happen and they actually somehow end up becoming President simply because they wrote in their own name as a joke and no one else bothered voting at all. Hey, it could happen. Just look at the choices we had last time.

7) Real men don't give in to political correctness, shoving female reporters into men's locker rooms while the men are trying to dress and then turn around and attack the naked men for daring to react to the invading women like any normal human being would. Real men respect basic human rights, including those of other men. There are no real men in charge of the NFL, that much is certain.

8) Real men don't have to advertise that they're real men. They don't wear their sunglasses indoors, slick their hair back and strut around in the heat of summer wearing a leather Harley vest and red bandanna just because it looks badass, unless they actually own a Harley and just rode up on it. They don't wear platform shoes even if they're only 5'2". They don't need a blackbelt to feel brave. They don't carry 8 knives on their person at all times, as if they could ever use that many in a single fight. They don't wear their karate uniform into WalMart. They don't flash gang signs or wear their pants down around their knees. They don't beat up anyone who doesn't deserve it. And they don't own any CDs by Rihanna, Britney Spears or Miley Cyrus.

9) Real men don't encourage women to hate men. They never say "men are pigs. Ha ha!" They never try to drag the entire male sex down to their level just so they don't have to man up a little in their own lives. In fact, even knowing that there's an easy fortune to be made selling shit that bashes men, such as books claiming women are superior to men or T-shirts and coffee mugs saying "boys are stupid - throw rocks at them," real men won't do it. Because it's just wrong.

10) Real men don't go around beating up women, but neither do they let women get away with abusing men. They may not kick the shit out of sex-offender Lorena Bobbitt or shoot murderer Mary Winkler when they see them, but they just might spit in both of their faces and walk away, letting it be clearly known what they think of them for what they did. Real men don't sit silently by and let evil people get away with doing evil things. There is a world of difference between a man abusing a woman and a man defending himself against an attack by a woman. Real men don't lay there like limp dishrags while their sisters beat the shit out of them, like Joe Biden repeatedly bragged that he did as a boy. What a fucking tool.

The NFL placed the following in the middle of the Jets' locker room to stand around and watch them get undressed. The men had repeatedly stated over the years that they weren't comfortable having to shower and dress in front of female reporters. The NFL ignored them. She then complained that she felt uncomfortable. Suddenly it became a scandal of men accused of harassing women. If the NFL continues treating its men like this, salaries are going to have to go much higher.

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