Today's News and Headlines

King Obama

Obama makes state of union speech during "Glee"

President Obama interrupted the very popular program, "Glee", to make a speech in which he said "I", "Me", "My", and "Mine" over 14,000 times. Reports are that fans of "Glee" rioted in the streets for over 6 hours before being Tasered to death in the genitals by riot police in several American cities. Obama dismissed these reports by waving his hand and stating, "we don't torture. That is to say, we don't torture terrorists or people from other countries. Our own citizens is another matter. We definitely torture them. I mean, that's what the Taser's for. Everybody knows that." 

North Korea resumes firing artillery across border

North Korea began firing artillery at South Korea today, loading their guns with Disney movies rather than artillery shells in order to save costs. A North Korean general whose name no one can pronounce said that the 'childrens' movies, which feature many scenes of sexual violence against males, are ridiculous, destructive and offensive and thus make good weapons to fire into enemy territory because their message corrupts society and normalizes sexual violence against the fathers, husbands and sons of that society, ultimately destroying the entire civilization from within.

College endowments shrink

American colleges and universities have suffered enormous amounts of shrinkage, partly as a result of the stress of financial hardship, but mostly because of the effects of radical feminism, which drives away all healthy males and leaves only pathetic men with small penises to serve as professors and "male feminists." Studies show that the average male college professor of today has a penis over 5 inches shorter than the average male penis of years past. Scientists theorize that this "Tiny Penis Syndrome" might explain why they are perpetually angry at other males.

John Edwards - the Ladies Man

John and Elizabeth Edwards separate after 30 years of cheating

John Edwards, the Great American Breck Girl of the Democratic Party, has left his wife to engage in a full-blown affair with Elin Woods, current wife of Tiger Woods. Tiger, meanwhile, is said to be shacking up with Angelina Jolie, who is rumored to have separated from Brad Pitt for the twelve thousandth time by TMZ. Brad, according to Angelina, is content to masturbate and not be with anyone at this point in his life. "He just finds all that work in having full blown sex to be more trouble than it's worth. I guess older men really don't give a shit. Or maybe it's all the pot he smokes?" Rumors have already begun circulating that Jennifer Aniston has moved back in with Brad and is busily disproving Angelina's claim that Brad prefers masturbation over full blown heterosexual sex.

Californians say state is on wrong course

A majority of California citizens, in what is perhaps the largest ever example of stating the obvious, say that their state is on the wrong course and is likely headed for a very liberalized, green, diverse, tolerant total disaster. As of this writing, no one could be found who disagreed with the basic sentiment, although many chose to blame George Bush rather than California residents' own excessive idealism.

Abortion shooter to testify

A man who stands accused of shooting both an abortion doctor and an abortion protester has agreed to testify at his own trial. Through his attorney he has already stated that he was "just really damn confused and didn't know whether he was strongly for or against abortion, but he knew he felt strongly about it in some way. He just couldn't decide so he shot them both." Regardless of his testimony, he is expected to receive a lot of sexual abuse and torture while in prison and then, once thoroughly traumatized and completely transformed into a real monster, set free again. That's just how we do it here in America cuz we reel smart.

Onion field killer denied parole

The man convicted of viciously slaughtering a field full of onions has been denied parole once again following sometimes violent protests by vegans outside the prison where he is being raped and tortured every day, both by criminally insane inmates as well as sociopathic guards, prior to his ultimate release sometime when no one is paying attention anymore. "We'll wait until the media gets bored with him," warden Linda Tripp said, "and then we'll just quietly send him home. He'll be so crazy by the time he gets out of here that he'll probably kill himself anyway. He's no threat. Unless you get him around a bunch of onions. He really hates those onions."

Zac Enfron to star in spy thriller

Zac Efron, in an attempt to escape from the pedophiles at Walt Disney, is producing and starring in his own film, "Fire," in which he plays a spy who hunts down and kills homosexual pedophiles who prey on young boys in the entertainment industry. When asked if there was any connection between his time with Disney and the rather angry message of the film he stated simply, "what the hell do you think?"

zac efron
I just want them to stop raping me

And now for a joke I just stole from Ute:

Two dyslexics run into a bank and shout, "Air in the hands mother stickers, this is a fuck up!"

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