Just The News

Bad Day: $1 million dollar Bugatti Veyron goes swimming

Oprah announces she's ending her show

I'm throwing a big-assed party. Oprah is ending her stupid show! OK, it'll probably just be a small party. Most of the people there won't even know it's a party for the end of Oprah. OK, it's really just a bar and I'd be there anyway, but I can pretend we're having a party to celebrate this.


New Mexico soccer girl speaks

Elizabeth Lambert, the "mean girl" soccer player seen all over the news beating up on BYU soccer girls, has given an interview in which she expresses regret for doing the same things that every other college soccer girl does. People watching the video on the news are shocked. Honestly, I don't see what the big deal is. Apparently many Americans still harbor the illusion that all girls are sugar and spice and everything nice. Thus a female athlete who elbows other girls in the tits and kicks them in the ankle before throwing them to the ground by their hair is simply inconceivable. These would be unathletic Americans who never played or even really watched girls soccer or any soccer, actually, and thus have no idea what goes on out on that playing field. We call those people "Senator" or "Mr. President." Seriously, the girl went a bit far, but isn't it the referee's job to call a penalty on her and put a stop to it? Where the hell was the ref? Why isn't the ref doing interviews filled with apologies for this whole thing?

CIA recruiting Arabs

The new Obama CIA is taking a page out of Tony Blair's playbook and saying "if you can't beat them, join them." So, rather than combat Muslim terrorism, our government has declared itself officially Muslim now and declared Jihad on Christian white male devils. Of course, they had already done this, along with the entire rest of the U.S. government, long, long ago, so it's a barely noticable change, really. This is why our "great leader" refers to the jihad mass murder at Ft. Hood as "a tragedy" rather than "terrorism."

Texas school bans "skinny pants"

A school in Texas has joined with many others across the nation in banning the latest fashion trend of "skinny pants." The reason is simple: too many teenaged boys have busted a nut trying to sit down in the damn things. Ruptured testicles mean absent students and that costs schools money. It's all about the money really.

America's economy is tanking with lots of government help

American lenders are looking at Obama's economic policies and saying "oh hail no, this shit ain't gonna take us anywhere but down. We're holding tight to every dollar we got 'cause this shit is about to get worse." Yes sir.

Democrats want to tax plastic surgery to help pay for Government Healthcare

The White House and Senate Democrats have turned to a proposal to tax breast implants, tummy tucks, wrinkle-smoothing injections and other predominantly female procedures as they search for ways to pay for their $3 trillion dollar health care government takeover. Earlier this week they tested the waters for health care rationing by trying to tell women that they shouldn't get tested for breast cancer until they're at least 50 years old and have detected a lump the size of a coconut. Most women weren't buying it, though, and instead took it as a warning that government-run healthcare might turn out to be as bad as conservatives have been warning all along.

Pentagon looking for Fort Hood management lapses

The Pentagon says it doesn't know why or how the Ft. Hood massacre occurred. It might have something to do with Political Correctness, which is what that U.S. general was promoting when he said he'd rather see more soldiers die than to lose our great weapon of 'diversity' in the military. It might have something to do with that, but our 'leaders' will never ever say so, because that would make too much fucking sense, and making sense is something modern American 'leaders' never do anymore. This is why they don't know how this Muslim terrorist massacre was able to happen right in the middle or our own military base in a state where all the private citizens carry guns and would have shot his ass much quicker if he had tried to do what he did at an average Texas shopping mall.

Slaying suspect said her hobby is 'killing people'

On YouTube, 15-year-old Alyssa Bustamante listed her hobbies as "killing people" and "cutting." It may have sounded like a really lame video, but authorities say she fulfilled her words when she killed 9-year-old Elizabeth Olten and got a shitload of hits on her video as a result. Alyssa, it turns out, is batshit crazy and tried to kill herself 2 years ago. No one took this as any sort of warning, so then she decided to kill herself AND a neighbor "just to see what it feels like." But first she made a hugely successful video announcing what she was going to do.

Senator Asshole
Republicans figure out Democrats trying to screw them over

Republican senators and governors assailed the Democrats' newly minted health care legislation Thursday as a collection of tax increases, Medicare cuts and heavy new burdens for deficit-ridden states. Democrat Harry Reid responded by saying, "Yeah, what are you gonna do about it? Bwa ha ha ha!"

Heidi Klum wow's Victoria's Secret crowd with her post-baby body

Heidi Klum and her post-baby body led the parade at the annual Victoria's Secret fashion show, which returned to New York with some fresh faces after four years on the road. There's nothing funny or sarcastic about this. I just wanted an excuse to post a picture of Heidi Klum.

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