How Pumpkin Pie Is Made

It's Thanksgiving Day here in the United States of America. 

Thanksgiving is an American holiday, begun in 1621, in which we offer thanks to God for the fact that our pilgrims miraculously managed to survive yet another year in one of the harshest environments ever settled in early America, prior to the establishment of the city known as Detroit.

Today, Detroit celebrates "devils night" by burning the city to the ground and then living amongst the ruins. We've come a long way, baby.

But I digress.

The original Thanksgiving celebration was really little more than a 3 day party between pilgrims and American Indians in which it is likely that there was excessive drinking of alcohol, embarrassingly bad dancing, possibly some nudity and drunken sexual fumbling, and lots and lots of eating. Of food, I mean. They were eating food. There are no records relating to the eating of, I mean, relating to oral sex during the pilgrims' reign, although it is likely that some of this occurred.

Thanksgiving was not declared an official holiday in America until 1863, when then-President Abraham Lincoln, immensely unpopular at that time, needed a boost in the polls. He had already managed to kill off over half the male population of the entire North American continent. He imprisoned nearly a quarter of the remaining population of the northern United States in concentration camps for the crime of opposing his unpopular invasion of the Confederate southern States. His constant release of libelous letters "accidentally" leaked to the press in which he admits to hamstringing the Union army in an effort to sabotage his fiercest political rival, the very popular war hero, General McClellan did nothing to raise his standing in the eyes of the people, although it did lower their opinion of the General.

The original Thanksgiving Day pilgrims were members of the English Separatist Church, a Puritan sect that enjoyed a good leg of lamb and a beer. 56 Pilgrims and 91 American Indians joined together, stuffed their faces and got plastered. Then some of the women took off their tops and danced on the tables.

This is not officially confirmed, but we have reason to believe that it is likely true.

That Thanksgiving feast was not repeated again the next year. It was originally simply a celebration of having survived the previous year and come through with a bountiful harvest. The next celebration was in June of 1676 and is thought not to have included the topless table-dancing American Indians due to the large number of impregnanted women from the first celebration and various embarrassing nude photos on Pilgrim cell phones which eventually found their way onto the ancient internet.

One hundred years later, in 1777, the third official Thanksgiving celebration occurred. This celebration involved all residents of all 13 American colonies and thankfully saw the return of topless table-dancing Indian women and drunken impregnation by all. It was inspired by the recent victory over the British at Saratoga during the war for American independence.

George Washington proclaimed a National Day of Thanksgiving in 1789, although some were opposed to it (mothers of some of the girls who had turned up mysteriously pregnant in the following weeks.) There was discord among the colonies, many feeling the hardships of a few topless, table-dancing pilgrims did not warrant a national holiday. And later, President Thomas Jefferson opposed the idea of having a day of thanksgiving, allegedly out of fear that his no-good brother would use it as an excuse to impregnate every woman in sight, including Thomas Jefferson's own slaves. His fears turned out to be well-founded.

Thanksgiving was proclaimed by every president after Lincoln. The date was changed a couple of times, most recently by Franklin Roosevelt, who set it up one week to the next-to-last Thursday in order to create a longer Christmas shopping season. Public uproar against this decision caused the president to move Thanksgiving back to its original date two years later. And in 1941, Thanksgiving was finally sanctioned by Congress as a legal holiday, as the fourth Thursday in November.

And this, my friends, is why so many Americans are fat.

Recently, ancient video of one of the original Thanksgiving celebrations was discovered. The following is video believed to show the Navarro tribe, including famous Indian princess Elle, preparing for a Thanksgiving celebration in the Indian "city of angels" back in 1808:

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