It's Tuesday, in case you didn't know

President Obama's newest terrorism 'czar' - Mr. Hasan

So it's Tuesday. It's raining. It's kind of cold outside. Everything is gray. A muslim soldier in our military went Taliban on our ass and shot and killed 13 of our finest before being shot himself by a girl. Our president, Mrs. Obama, took his/her time responding to this crisis, calling it a "tragedy" rather than a mass murder, and stating only that s/he hopes this doesn't lead to a lot of "extremists" being mean to Muslims.

President Obama

Yes, because WE are the extremists in the twisted minds of the Hard-Core America-hating Left.

A REAL presidential response would have been something more along the lines of this:

"We were attacked yet again by hate criminals of the Muslim faith, taking the lives of 13 of our nation's soldiers. I want to make something clear, we fight to defend religious freedom in this country, but we don't tolerate those who encourage the murder of our people. We don't tolerate those whose religions are purely the spreading of hatred. We will allow you to live in our lands and worship as you please, up to and until the moment that you abuse the rights of others, at which time we will shoot your ass and send what's left of you to Syria where you will be dropped from 30,000 feet while wrapped up in a potato sack. Should your faith manage to save you from death and you land safely, good luck to you living in a nation that believes as you do, but you will NOT be permitted to return here. Not ever."

That would be far more appropriate. Of course, we elected cuntbag Oprah's love-child here, so that's nothing like what we got or can expect to get at any point in the future. Once upon a time, we had leaders in this nation, men other nations referred to as 'cowboys'. Cowboy is another way of saying "this man has balls." We have no more cowboys. We have estrogen-filled water supplies and progesterone-filled meat and anything any woman wants to buy that raises her hormone levels is fine and government-approved. Eat it, drink it, rub it on, and then pee it back out again into our water supply for men and boys to drink. Estrogen, of course, kills testosterone in men, making them weak and whiney, like our current President. Meanwhile, anything that might raise a man's testosterone levels is illegal in America. Heaven forbid our men become more manly. We can't have that. So we have outlawed manhood. Now we are a nation more pathetic than France, where their president is not only a real man, but dates supermodels to prove it.

Parlez vous francais, pilgrim?

Our President married the first girl who ever had sex with him, a woman with the face of a Pekingese dog. Then he surrounded himself with lesbians so they could tell him what to do. This is the only life he has ever known, having been raised by his grandmother due to his parents both having abandoned him for most of his life. Being pushed around by saggy old ladies who don't have sex with men is normal to him. He wouldn't know what to do otherwise.

Mrs Obama, Mrs Obama and Mrs Obama

In other, more interesting news, I took the car that my mother sideswiped to a bodyshop and had it fixed. So now it's all shiny and new again. Except for the radio. The radio is a pathetic pile of crap. I need to put something better in there, but it's not legally my car and I don't really want to put money into some rockin' tunes if I'm not going to be taking ownership of it.

My mom almost hit the car again yesterday as she was backing out of the driveway. Then she yelled at ME about it, mostly out of embarrassment, but also out of habit. Blame the Nearest Male is not only the official policy of the American Judicial System and U.S. Government. It's also my mother's default response.

Facebook is killing me. I've resorted to posting status updates relating to my need to poop, my return from pooping, farts that preceded my need to poop, and farts released by other people around me. No one seems to mind, which tells me only that everyone else is as bored as I am.

One thing I did learn from Facebook is that some of the retired rockers I met at the Halloween party the other night used to tour with Iron Maiden and a few other bands that I used to listen to. They've posted really old pictures on their Facebook pages of them backstage or in bars or onstage doing various things with the members of Maiden, as well as a few other bands I cared much less about. I just remember Iron Maiden because I lost more hearing at their concert than at any other concert I have ever attended in my entire life. And also I remember something about drugs, and somebody screaming really loudly, only the music was so loud that I could only tell she was screaming by the intense expression on her face as she totally freaked out upon seeing the 20 foot tall 'Eddie' puppet run out onto the stage. Apparently whatever she was on did not induce mellow feelings. She was flipping while tripping.

I'm not liking these drugs!

Wow, the sky outside looks funky right now. I guess this is the result of tropical storm Ida. Did you know that a black woman in Congress tried to mandate that our weather agency give more 'black names' to hurricanes? I'm not making this up. She couldn't exactly define what constituted a black name, but she wanted more black hurricanes anyway.

As I write this Facebook is hitting me with a Database Error and telling me I can't reply to anything. That's awesome. I just love when that happens. It makes me want to beat my dick against the table and scream "Jumanji" as loudly as I can. Yes, indeed it does. Because that's what you do, right, when the internet is fucking up and driving you insane? I guess we all express our insanity in various different ways.


I'm trying to Twitter now. Facebook crashed and my dick was hurting from bashing it on the table, so I moved on to the equally useless and annoying Twitter. I'm tweeting. I'm tweeting my meat. Speaking of that, Super Dave Osbourne is on TV. Do you guys know who Super Dave Osbourne is?

Super Dave Osbourne

He's this old annoying man who started off on a lousy TV show that no one watched, and somehow he's still around doing his schtick. He's not funny. He never was. To give you an idea of how not funny he is, he's got a golf skit where he puts a golf tee in his mouth and lets another golfer hit the ball out of his mouth. Except, of course, the golfer misses and hits him in the nuts instead. It's the sort of gag Beavis and Butthead would think is funny.

Anyway, what's the deal with Super Dave's voice? He talks like he sucked a helium balloon completely down into his lungs and never coughed it up again. His voice is all ragged like a shirt from Walmart after its first washing, like Lindsay Lohan's vagina after a night of thrustful lesbian fun with the entire California chapter of NOW, like a plastic hybric car after a collision with OJ Simpson's Ford Bronco, like Oprah Winfrey's panties after a night gorging on Mexican food and farting, like the US Constitution after our Congress finishes with it, like Perez Hilton's ass after interviewing the Jonas Brothers. Anyway, Super Dave's voice was always shitty, but these days it's the worst I've ever heard. I don't know how he gets on TV at all, especially talk shows, with a voice like that.

Speaking of Twitter, Demi Moore tweets in text-code, as if she's talking to a middle school child using her cell phone. I can't understand a word she says. But I reply anyway, 'cause I figure if I can't understand what she's saying, she probably can't understand what I'm saying either. I've even tested this just to make sure. I replied to one of her totally unreadable tweets by saying I wanted to eat her vagina for 4 straight hours. I even included a link to a webcam photo of my tongue just to show that I was serious. Creepy, but serious. I figured if she didn't reply to that she clearly didn't understand me. She didn't reply, but 1,200 other women did.

Speaking of women I'd gladly spend 4 straight hours licking, Jessica Biel was on Conan O'Brien's Tonight Show tonight. And I missed it!!!! DAMMIT!!!!

I want to suck .. eh, nice rack!

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