Survey stolen from a girl named Courtney who dropped me on Facebook

1.) When you walk in your front door, which room do you enter?
The front room, where we keep the front door, of course

2.)Do you have a dishwasher?
Yes, me. And sometimes they get extra help from a machine under the kitchen counter that sprays them with hot water and soap after I'm done.

3.) Is your living room carpeted or does it have hardwood floors?
There's this shiny plastic shit that looks a whole lot like wood, except that it's way shiny and it echoes like hell and also it doesn't sound like wood when you walk on it. Anyway, that's what we have. It doesn't scratch easily and it's easy to clean, so we're happy with it.

4.) Do you keep your kitchen knives on the counter or in a drawer?
The knives in the drawer aren't balanced well for throwing, which is why they're in the drawer. I keep the throwable ones on the counter just in case you piss me off.

5.) House, apartment, duplex or trailer?
I'll take 'House' for $1000, Alex

6.) How many bedrooms is it?
How many bedrooms is what? Maybe a better question would be, how many assistants does Dr. House have now, and do you think the hot girl, Thirteen, will stay on the show permanently?

7.) Gas stove or electric?
I believe the Jews were killed with gas, but I've forgotten most of my Nazi history. American cops use hand-held electric, aka The Taser.

8.) Do you have a yard?
Big, big yard with lots of stupid plants the previous owners planted and I intend to yank up and burn when My Wife isn't looking. Actually, we've already yanked and burned a lot of them. Somewhere along the way we accidentally planted some pumpkin seeds and now we have a full-on pumpkin vine with pumpkins growing in the back corner of our yard and we're not quite sure what the hell to do with it.

9.) What size TV is in the living room?
32 inch maybe? 34? Something like that. It was the biggest set that would fit in the entertainment center. Yes, I know. You're all so very disappointed that I don't have a 50 inch plasma. Well, I have an 11 inch ... nevermind.

10.) Are your plates in the same cupboard as your cups?
No, they don't get along so we had to separate them.

11.) Is there a coffee maker sitting on your kitchen counter?
No, there is a coffee making sitting on the counter at work, so I don't need one at home. Who needs coffee at home? I'm wide awake when I'm at home. It's when I get to work and am forced to attend meetings that my brain requires drugs like caffeine in order to feign interest.

13.) What room is your computer in?
I have a computer in every room. I live in a space ship.

14.) Are there pictures hanging in your living room?
Yes, a giant Farrah Fawcett poster is hanging on the north wall to remind me of what hot women in the '70s looked like. I have another room with a hot woman from the '80s and upstairs in the bonus room is a poster of a hot woman from the '90s. In the bedroom is a calendar with a big picture of Marisa Miller, a hot woman from the 21st century.

15.) Are there any themes found in your home?
Yes, we went with the Flying Windows theme which came with the box.

16.) What kind of laundry detergent do you use?
The kind you put in the washer to clean dirt out of your clothes.

17.) Do you use dryer sheets?
Only if I am drying the cat. They hate that static cling.

18.) Do you have any curtains in your home?
No, we are nudists. We waltz around with our kibbles and bits hanging out and the windows wide open. All the neighbors are super excited.

19.) What color is your fridge?
White like Pat Boone.

20.) Is your house clean?
Chaos, I tell you, total chaos.

21.) What room is the most neglected?
The 4th bedroom. It's always complaining that we don't love it.

22.) Are the dishes in your sink/dishwasher clean or dirty?
Well hell, if the dishes are in the sink, they are dirty. If the dishwasher is full, they are clean by now. If not, they are dirty until we get a full load.

23.) How long have you lived in your home?
2 years, with time off for good behavior.

24.) Where did you live before?
Redneckville, TN, east of Snootyville which is east of Memphis proper. All are in Shelby County, the kingdom of King Willie the Wimp and his band of cronies.

25.) Do you have one of those fluffy toilet lid covers on your toilet?
No, those things were made by feminists to cause the lid to slam on boys' pee pees. And that is exactly what they do.

26.) Do you have a scale anywhere in your house?
Yes, but it doesn't appear to be working since we moved there. Thanks 2 Men and a Truck, for breaking so much of our shit.

27.) How many mirrors are in your house?
I can only think of 3, one in each bathroom. If we are ever attacked by vampires we'll run to the bathroom because everyone knows vampires are scared of mirrors. And farts. They hate smelly farts.

28.) Look up. What do you see?
Ceiling. What did you expect me to see, Marilyn Monroe's cooter?

29.) Do you have a garage?
Yes, 3 car garage, currently with 3 cars in it, as it should be, plus lots of storage space. It is going to be one hell of a hard time finding another house like this one, dammit.

And now for something sooo wrong ...

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