4:00 a.m. "reow"

4:01 a.m. "Reow"

4:02 a.m. "REOW!"

4:03 a.m. Scratch scratch scratch ....... "Reow?"

"Oh for cryin' out loud, what the fuck is so important at 4 a.m.?"

Shuffle shuffle shuffle. Squeeeeeeek.


"Reow!" Cat runs to the back door, sits down and stares hard at it.

"What? You want to go outside? It's 4 a.m.! Are you crazy? You and your horrible Siamese meow, you do realize we live out in the boondocks now, right?"

"Reow", still staring hard at the back door.

"You've got on your camo outfit and your rifle is all loaded up and you're all set to go hunting, aren't you? You're thinking about all those tasty, 12 point mice out there? Well, I feel I should tell you, out here in the boondocks, those mice aren't the only tasty food running around. There are some animals, some BIG animals, out there who think YOU are the tasty food. They run right through our backyard at night. Are you sure you want to deal with that? It's freezing cold out, too."

Cat continues hard stare at door, willing it to open.

"OK, have it your way," I finally say, as I open the door. A black furry flash streaks out into the cold, dark night, instantly absorbed by the darkness.

7:00 a.m. I'm downstairs in the kitchen eating breakfast. Upstairs I can hear the distinctive sounds of galloping horses running from one end of the house to the other and then back again. Crash! Bang! Boom!

"Mmm, Stinky's awake," I mumble to myself.

A rumbling like an avalanche tells me that Stinky has just run down the stairs and is now behind the door.

"Mew? .......... Mew?"

I slowly cross the living room and open the door to the upstairs. Stinky falls under the door out onto the floor, does a somersault, and begins flipping around like a fish out of water.

"That's the weirdest entrance you have EVER made," I say to him. Then I notice that he has a stuffed mouse in his mouth and he's mauling it with enthusiasm. Suddenly he leaps up and runs out of the room. I return to my breakfast.

Zoooooooom! A ball of fuzz flies by. I hear claws skidding across the wooden floor and then a WUMP as he collides with the wall. More claws on wood as he flails his furry little paws trying to break into a run, slipping on the wood like a cartoon character before finally getting traction and sailing across the house. WUMP! Another wall.

"Hey, why don't you go outside? Stinky? You wanna go outside?" I look at the back door. There sits my furry black midnight visitor. "Aaaaah, you wanna come INSIDE? Idiot."

I get up and open the back door. The black furry creature saunters inside and goes straight to the food dish.

"Oh ho! So there weren't as many mice as you'd hoped, eh? You hunting Cat Chow now? Dumbass, waking me up at 4 a.m. Hey, Stinky! Outside!"

A gray and white fuzzball skids past my feet and tumbles out onto the back porch, instantly covered from head to toe in sticks and leaves and crap that has blown up onto the porch. I close the door and go back to eating. Just as I sit down, the black one reappears at the door.

"What?! You want to go back out again? Now? You'll have to wait. I'm eating."

Ten minutes later I'm ready to go. The furry black Princess is in her bed.

"Hey, you ready to go out?"

She looks at me blankly.

"Outside? You want to go outside?"

Blank stare.

"Fine. Stay inside. Eat, sleep, and poop in the litter box that you hate now because Stinky makes it smell so horrible. I have to go."

This is the life of a cat owner. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. Be warned. Cat infestation could happen to you.
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