My cooter hurts
That's just so freaky. I'm sorry and I know it's all this great medical miracle and blah blah, but if it's gross to kiss your sister then it's gross for your mother-in-law to have your baby, too. Yuck!
No counseling, thanks, we have a bottle
Apparently both members of this newlywed couple had been divorced several times and were feeling a bit fearful that perhaps something might be wrong with them. They took their message in a bottle as a sign that this time would be different and this marriage would last. It's a bit of pointless superstition, like wishing on a star or tossing coins in a fountain or voting.
The truly shocking part of this story is that this did not occur at the Redneck Olympic Games. No, it was just a standard demolition derby. And the other drivers didn't give this guy one inch with his stuffed rabbit and diamond ring mounted on his "Will You Marry Me" car. No sir, they smashed his ass up and he came in third. But at least she said 'yes.' YeeHA, and let's all go to WalMart!
No, there is no church in China. This was all done by the very "progressive" Communist Church, I mean, Party, the same Communist Party that was recently busted AGAIN for funneling millions of dollars to the Clinton Presidential campaign fund. Separation of church and state? No, they burn the church and then set up a new one in which they play the part of God. That's how this game is played. Now, take down all those offensive bra and vibrator ads and put on some decent clothes, you sluts, before our Great Leader gets here and sees you looking unladylike!
Big boy
Welcome to Memphis, boys and girls. This 21-year-old giant of a man was shot to death at the University of Memphis and no one saw a thing. Or rather, no one saw anything out of the ordinary, 'cause this shit happens all the time. The only really shocking aspect of this story is that this guy was 5'11" and weighed 300 pounds. Shit, that's one big dude!
South Africa used to be puritan? Wow, all I have ever heard about that place is apartheid and then after that rape and murder and more rape and more murder. When was it ever a Christian place? This must have been well before the big "Free South Africa" movement in the '80s 'cause it's a big shithole now. No wonder the Marxists were so determined to destroy it. I had always wondered about that.
Can you hear me now?
Ear lifting? Wow, there's an event few teenage boys will ever aspire to master. "Dude, I can lift way more than you with my ears!" This Pakistani dream-boat lifted 137 pounds with his frickin' ear! That's almost as much as BottleBlonde was squatting when she farted on the Bionic Woman in her gym just the other day!
Al Franken has given up his radio show and taken to swimming around attacking young boys in lakes.
The Austrian police caught BottleBlonde doing squats near the U.S. Embassy and were concerned that she was trying to blow it up with her farts.
I think I can! I think I can! Toot toot!
This Jewish New York woman went apeshit at the airport in Phoenix, Arizona, and was handcuffed and taken to a holding cell where she was theoretically supposed to calm down. They say they later found her dead and believe she was trying to slip the handcuffs over her head, but accidently strangled herself in the process. Most interesting of all is the great lengths they go to in making a point of saying "we did NOT Taser her!" Anyway, this is yet another reason Americans no longer like to fly - batshit crazy New Yorkers going bonkers in the terminals.
Turns-ons include flying, drama, handcuffs, and asphyxiation
"High" Court just about sums it up. They saw a chance to restore part of the battered First Amendment and said, "Naw, that might piss off our rich hedonistic friends who throw all the best parties. We wouldn't dream of doing that." And so they hid under the table and shouted in unison, "nobody's home!"
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