Woman Stabs Husband For Not Having Sex

Woman stabbed husband for refusing sex

An Argentinian woman has been arrested for stabbing her husband because he did not have sex with her.

The 52-year-old, from Buenos Aires, stabbed her husband in the back but he was not seriously injured.

She told police she had spent the day trying to get him into bed but he had ignored all of her hints.

The woman told La Cuarta: "I wore a G-string and high heels in the house but he did not notice, I could not stand this.

"I got really mad and I stabbed him."

The husband went to the police station to lodge a complant before going to hospital where he was treated for minor injuries.

A police spokesperson said: "She did not think she did anything wrong, she kept saying that he was her husband and that he had to fulfil his obligations and that because he didn't she had the right to punish him."

[I wonder if this approach would work with my wife? - Memphis]

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Wife Swap Turkish Style

ISTANBUL (Reuters) - A Turkish villager who ran away with his friend's wife has offered his own wife in exchange, newspapers said on Thursday.

Farm laborer Cengiz Esme said Gulhan, his wife of 18 years, disappeared a month ago after leaving their village to go shopping in the southern Turkish town of Tarsus.

The 36-year-old said his village friend Mehmet Yaksi had telephoned him the next day and said: "I've run off with your wife .... You take my wife," the Radikal daily reported.

Esme pleaded for Gulhan to return and said he was ready to forgive her and make a fresh start elsewhere. The reports said Yaksi's wife, a mother of three, declined to comment on the situation.

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Blah

We had a massive storm blow through here last night. There were some tornados spotted, but so far I don't know of any real damage. The whole thing took about 20 minutes to pass over, but the news made it seem like 2 hours. They interrupted My Wife's favorite show, "House", about halfway through just so they could tell us about it. She was not amused. We never got to see the rest because of Mr. Weatherman. But we did spend about 10 minutes in the hallway with a candle burning just in case the house fell down. And then, of course, we went to the window to watch the lightning.

It was just a damned thunderstorm. Are they going to interrupt us every single time a thunderstorm comes through now, because we have lots of them here and that would really suck?

I haven't been to the gym in about 4 weeks and I haven't been running in about 2 or 3 weeks. I don't even recognize my own face in the mirror. I need to go run for about 100 miles or so until I know this person in the mirror again. I should probably get some new running shoes first, though.

There isn't much going on. I'm working long, hard hours. So is My Wife. It doesn't leave room for much else. I don't even get to blog much and I don't get to read other people's blogs much either, which is frustrating.

Another call from Nashville, but I've talked to these people before and we seem to be going in circles. Ah well, off to work.

Update: Oooh, got a good parking space in the garage on the 2nd floor. Woo woo! Sometimes it's really good to have a minitruck. Yeah baby!

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Move to the back of the bus, BOY!

Women applaud no-men, pink-striped metro cars

Tue Apr 25, 8:19 AM ET

RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil (Reuters) - Women commuters filled female-only, pink-striped subway cars in the Brazilian city of Rio de Janeiro on Monday on the first day of a scheme to avert groping and other unwanted sexual advances.

A law passed by the state legislature and signed by Rio Gov. Rosinha Matheus last month obliged the underground Metro and above-ground railways to have separate passenger cars for women during the weekday rush hours.

"It's the first day today and we had women applauding when men, who had entered their carriage without knowing about the rule, got off," a spokeswoman for the private Metro Rio company said.

Frequent complaints from women commuters about sexual harassment in crowded railway cars had prompted state legislators to pass the bill.

One car in every of Metro Rio's 33 trains is marked with pink stripes on doors and windows. The company said female passengers would themselves control men's entry into the cars, seeking the help of security guards if necessary.

Railroad company Supervia, which serves Rio and its suburbs, identifies its female-only cars with signs similar to those on women's restrooms.

Men won't be barred from the female-only cars during an initial phase but after that railroad police would enforce the new rule, a Supervia spokesman said.

Rio joins Tokyo and Mexico City as major cities that provide female-only train cars.

[Does anyone remember way back when this kind of discrimination was considered to be wrong?]

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Monday Funday

I had an interview today. If they decide they want me I'll be stepping back in time in terms of technology. I don't know if I want to do that. But I'll be stepping forward in pay, supposedly. And my benefits will be a hell of a lot better than The Bank, which has shitty benefits. In fact, I wouldn't even go so far as to call what The Bank has 'benefits.' They're an insult to benefits.

Something else to consider is that instead of working in a shitty, corrupt, lazy bank I'll be working at a hotrod company. All this company does is make computer tools for hotrodding modern cars and trucks. I think the fun factor has to be considered after spending 3 long years in a very much unfun environment.

Instead of working around a vault and a bunch of pretentious bankers all day I'd be working in a building with 2 Buick GNXs and a Mustang GT sitting in the packaging bay, 2 turbo diesel trucks on 2 floor-mounted dynos, a custom '55 Chevy being fitted with twin turbos and dual intercoolers on a small block Chevy V8 in the custom fabrication area, and a whole fleet of new cars and trucks outside for development and testing.

Anyway, it's a difficult decision and that's only if they make me an offer. They say they want to see me again so I can talk to the head engineer. He wasn't available today. I did see the owner, though. His grandson was running around with a paintball gun and he was running behind him, wearing jeans and a T-shirt and having the time of his life.

The big drawback here, as you may have already been thinking, is that this job is in Memphis. That would mean staying here even longer. I'm not sure if we can stand it.

Meanwhile, I'm getting calls from Nashville, a city I spent 13 years trying to find a decent job in and never seemed to be able to get there. Life is funny sometimes. Or a pain in the ass. I guess it depends on how you choose to look at it.

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Penis Enlargement Spam Equals Word Verification

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Sorry to have turned the comment word verification back on, but I've been getting bombed with penis enlargement spam and it has got to stop. I don't find the spam on the latest posts, so apparently this shithead is sending them to all of my older posts, requiring me to dig back through 2 years of writing just to delete his useless ass.

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Former Stripper Not Typical Evangelical

(Not a parody or a joke)

RIVERSIDE, Calif. - Heather Veitch is not your typical evangelical Christian.

The 31-year-old married mother of two visits one strip club a month, paying for lap dances so she can talk to the strippers about God.

The Web site for the ministry she formed with two other women — JC's Girls Girls Girls — features glamour shots of the three that were taken by a porn film director.

The three attend porn conventions, where they pass out Bibles wrapped in T-shirts that read Holy Hottie.

Veitch's approach is based on experience: In the 1990s, she worked as a stripper and, she says, acted in a handful of soft porn movies. She plays up her sex appeal because adult industry workers relate to that, she said.

"I understand the culture of these girls. They respect that," said Veitch, whose work has received national and international media coverage.

In a posting on the ministry's Web site, Veitch said she was a successful Las Vegas stripper but inwardly feared that her lifestyle was a ticket to hell.

She began attending church, became a Christian, went to beauty school and got married. A year ago, she began reaching out to sex industry workers.

She has an ally in Matt Brown, her pastor at Sandals Church of Riverside. The 1,700-member Southern Baptist congregation is contributing $50,000 to her ministry this year.

"What good would it do to send the 'church lady' to an erotica convention?" Brown said. "She's going to get laughed out of the building."

Veitch said she doesn't keep track of how many strippers they successfully reach. Ultimately, she and Brown hope to offer alternatives, such as college scholarships, to women in the sex industry. But Veitch doesn't think the women should have to quit their jobs before entering a church.

"What we say to that is, 'Do we ask gluttons to stop eating too much before they come to church?' " Veitch said. "Sin is sin."

Her ministry partners include a part-time first grade teacher and a stay-at-home mother.

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Baa Baa Politically Correct Sheep

Baa Baa Rainbow Sheep

Nursery school bosses ordered the words of the rhyme Baa Baa Black Sheep to be altered to Baa Baa Rainbow Sheep.

The change was made to avoid offending children after teachers examined the nursery's equal opportunities policy.

Stuart Chamberlain, manager of the Sure Start Centre in Oxford, could not explain why children might be offended.

But he said: "No one should feel pointed out because of their race, gender or anything else.

"We've taken the equal opportunities approach to everything we do.

"This is fairly standard across nurseries. We are following stringent equal opportunities rules."

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Rain

It's Friday and it's raining. In fact, it rained all night. It rained and lightninged and thundered so hard that it woke me and My Wife up at 4 a.m. We both got up to pee and when we did the cats came into the bathroom, possibly needing to pee, too, because they appeared to have been scared to death.

With the storm came nightmares and weird dreams, but not a good night's sleep. This morning traffic was surprisingly light compared to the crash-infested, clogged, passive/aggressive jam-ups of Wednesday and Thursday. I don't know if the coming storm was making everyone crazy or what, but yesterday people were flying past me at 100 mph while the people in front of me were riding their brakes and doing all they could to keep anyone from making use of the passing lane for anything other than a leisurely Sunday drive. Everyone was nuts and looking for a fight.

Today I'm the first one at work, which is surprising. I got a great parking spot in the garage right next to the elevator for once. I've got some coffee, I called 2 recruiters, one of which wasn't there and the other which wasted my time and talks as if he has a mouth full of gum so that he's hard to understand. And I have a problem in the code which I have not been able to figure out despite my best efforts, but I think the boss wants it soon.

Like 'today' soon.

On the radio I heard in the traffic report that there are 2 huge wrecks on the route I used to drive to work, around Walnut Road. One has been holding traffic dead stopped for an hour already and is anticipated to keep it there quite awhile longer. I'm guessing someone went off the side of Sanga Road and down into the deep water, but I can't say for sure. That happens from time to time, but to hold traffic up this long it must be more than that. Maybe they hit someone head-on or maybe several people are in the water? I have no idea.

Anyway, it's Friday, things are still very much not the same, and I'm not able to be on here much. I'm reading your comments, but I can't take much time to respond right now. I hope you'll understand. And I hope today goes better than Wednesday or Thursday because people were just nuts.

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I Remember #5

I remember when all of the following had their own TV "variety" show: Glenn Campbell, Sonny and Cher, Donny and Marie Osmond, Tony Orlando and Dawn, and the Captain and Tenille.

I remember The Keen Brothers.

I remember David Cassidy.

I remember Hee Haw.

I remember Captain Marvel and Isis.

I remember Flip Wilson.

I remember Cheech and Chong.

I remember Chico and The Man.

I remember Captain Kangaroo, Mr Green Jeans, and that rabbit hand puppet that was always stealing his carrots. That show must have cost about $0.50 a day to make.

I remember Zoom and the kids laying on the giant letters that spelled out the title of the show and at the end they'd give you the address so you could write to Zoom in Boston, Massachusetts.

I remember Baretta and the bird he had.

I remember Starsky and Hutch.

I remember McCloud riding a horse down the street in New York City.

I remember Kojak.

I remember the Pitch Back, which was an aluminum frame with a net that you could throw a baseball into and it would send it rocketing back at decapitating speed for you to try and catch.

I remember the Star Trek phaser guns that shot little colored discs that spun like tiny frisbees and would ricochet of everything in the house.

I remember Stretch Armstrong.

I remember Micronauts.

I remember Spyder Bikes and how cool it was to have a slick for a back tire.

I remember Lincoln Logs.

I remember Lego blocks.

I remember turning the entire bedroom into a Hotwheels city, complete with raised highway courtesy of the hotwheels track with yellow strips and red connector pieces.

I remember Matchbox cars that you'd plug into a charger and then let them go under their own battery power to rocket around the HotWheels track.

I remember Evil Kneivel.

I remember the 6 Million Dollar Man with the little eye you could look through.

I remember G.I. Joe with the Kung Fu grip, whatever the hell that meant.

I remember the Fisher Price 2-story house with 2 car garage that opened up and had people and furniture inside, except that we always used it for our Hot Wheels cars.

I remember when the sky seemed so bright and so blue and the grass was so green and everything somehow seemed larger and clearer and cleaner and better.

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Update

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Family Crisis

I have a few crises all hitting me at once right now. A few of you know, and most of you don't. But the main point is that I have to pack a bag and race to Alabama as quickly as possible. I don't know how long I'll be gone, but I'd appreciate if any of you are willing, please pray for my father's health and also please pray for me. He is in the ICU and I have to get down there right away. In the meantime, I have a major crisis up here in Memphis and I'm just having to put it on hold and hope that things can somehow work out.

I'll be back when I can.

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Cat Tails

Little Girl and Booger
It was Saturday afternoon. The sun was shining and the spring air was blowing gently by in a sleepy breeze. My Wife and I were sitting quietly on our back porch admiring the many weeds we had carefully cultivated in our enormous gardens.

"I love how huge those clovers are," I announced to My Wife as we both looked at the giant mutant clovers that are proudly growing all around my healthy and heavily fertilized roses. "They're the size of small cars."

My boy cat, Booger Bear, was busily throwing himself onto My Wife's flowers, crushing them down into a perfect bed which he then rolled around on, finally settling satisfied in a perfect position on his back. He stretching out his paws in all directions while he yawned a lazy yawn. Ah, heaven!

"Dammit!" My Wife protested uselessly. "He keeps crushing those every year."

"Yes, he does," I agreed with a smile. "And look how happy he is. I'm sure he loves you very much for planting them just for him to sleep on."

"Oh shut up!" she spewed sweetly at me.

Suddenly our girl cat, creatively renamed "Little Girl" by My Wife, sprang from her concrete nap beneath my chair and ran across the yard with her entire body hunkered down as if dodging bullets on a battlefield. Her tail inflated to the size of the Hindenberg, which is pretty damned big if you've ever seen one of those things in person.

"What the fuck?!" I wondered aloud.

Little Girl went straight to the fence opposite us and sat growling at the butterfly bush.

"She hates that bush!" I proudly exclaimed, announcing that I had solved the riddle.

Through the boards of the fence a black shape could be seen. But it was nearly impossible to make out exactly what it was. It wasn't moving and neither of us could say for sure if it had been there all along or recently crept up unnoticed.

My Wife and I sat staring at the odd scene. Little Girl was growling at the fence and a mysterious black mass was on the other side. What the hell was she plannng to do, anyway? There was barely enough space between the boards for them to even see each other, let alone do anything about it.

And then, as if to answer my question, she did the unexpected. She flipped out her claws like an Irish New Jersey boy with a switchblade and leaped head-first into the fence, screaming all the way.

BAM! She slammed her fuzzy little face into the boards and screamed at the shape like Fay Ray being captured by King Kong. Then she turned and marched back to the porch in a satisfied strut, as if knocking herself nearly unconcious was exactly what she had intended all along.

The black shape barely moved. But then, very slowly, it began to walk away, hardly noticable in it's retreat as it was moving slower than a line at the DMV. But nevertheless, it was leaving.

Victory for our little headbanger! Hurray!

Little Girl, now very proud of herself, came and plopped back down again beneath my chair.

I smiled at her like a beaming father and cooed, "you are an idiot."

She began to purr.


Tom

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Magpie's Creme Eggs

They have arrived! Magpie's famous Creme eggs straight from the UK! I'm gonna eat and get fat and sweat that sugar sweat that you get when you eat way too much sugary food. And I'm going to wash it all down with milk. Thank you, Magpie!

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Rainy Dark Cold Friday

Here's a tip for Miss Allaboutme and all her rhino sisters here in the hallway. If you try really hard you can actually manage to walk down the hallway without taking up the entire thing. It's true, I swear. If you put your big, fat, buffalo arms down closer to your sides instead of reaching them out as far as they'll go and trying to touch the walls on either side of you then you could take up only one third as much space as your fat floppy ass currently does.

Also, are you trying to hurt people with that K-mart purse you swing around like a weapon? If you ever hit me like you nearly did the other day I can tell you what's going to happen to both you and that purse. Do you see those windows on either side of your big, fat ass? See how far down it is? See the Brinks truck pulling away from the vault? See all that concrete down there? Do you think you can fly, bitch? If that purse ever hits me where you nearly did we're gonna find out if pigs can fly 'cause I'm gonna assist you in exiting through the glass and out into the open air.

What is it with buffalo that they absolutely have to take up the maximum amount of space no matter where they are? I've noticed that when you walk with your friends the 3 of you all walk side-by-side, flappy arms outstretched and feet wide apart as if you were all trying to take a shit while walking, and somehow you all manage not to knock each other senseless with those cheap, gaudy purses you swing. But let anyone else come along and you're all just like the Black Knight, swinging a morningstar around, ball and chain flying in search of an opening to hurt someone. Maybe I should call security to come arrest you for carrying a weapon? I'm almost positive you've got a gun in that purse. Why don't we let someone from the Secret Service take a look inside and see? How would that be? Maybe then you'd learn to walk with your arms behind your back and your feet close together, as if held together by ankle cuffs? I'll bet you would.

Here's another question that has been eating at me for awhile. How come the white women that are just as big as you don't walk like that? How come I don't see them reaching out to whack every passerby that happens to be in the same hallway as them? They do swing their damned purses just like you, but since there's actually room to pass them without getting whacked it isn't quite as annoying.

And how the hell do you walk in those shoes?! You look like a cow walking on golf tees, I swear to God. I don't know what those straps are made of, but I'll bet it was discovered by NASA for something incredibly extreme. And holding your hooves into those shoes certainly does qualify as extreme, let me tell you.

Are you aware that your ass is showing from behind? I know that dress looked great on the mannequin in the store, but in case you were unaware no mannequins I've ever seen have an ass the size of a Lexus. You do, and it makes the back of the dress ride up so that we all get a great view of your asscrack. How come a big cow like you can't wear any underwear? Does it get lost in there or something? As if showing us your fat ass isn't enough, you have to show us your fat, bare ass. And honey, it's nasty.

I know you're proud of the new bras you found at Victoria's secret, but we really don't need to see that either. That plunging neckline really does nothing for you at all. And although I know you don't acknowledge this I'm going to tell you anyway, we aren't averting our eyes out of modesty. We're averting our eyes because you are just flat nasty. Some things people don't want to see. Button up and cover those sacks, bitch. They gave up the ghost to gravity and decay way back when you were just a high school girl and only had your first 4 childrens.

What is wrong with women like this? Are they really so completely unaware of themselves? Did years of crack and heroin just cook their brains until there was nothing left except the part that talks on cellphones and picks out gaudy clothes? Is this what people mean by ghetto sheik? Is there such a thing? Good God.

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Russian Communists Give Women Right To Speed

Flowers not fines for speedy women drivers

Women drivers in Russia are to be given flowers instead of fines for minor traffic offences on International Women's Day.

Deputy Interior Minister Alexander Chekalin said: "Traffic police will not darken the holiday for driverettes.

"On this spring day, representatives of the fair sex will not be punished for minor traffic violations."

International Women's Day in Russia dates back to communism as a day to celebrate the female worker.

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Half Nekkid Thursday - Throne of Thunder

Happy HNT

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Firsts

I stole this from Stacy. No one tagged me. I'm just a shameless thief.

1. Who was your first prom date?
I went to 3 proms, one my junior year and 2 my senior year. Apparently I was a stud, or at least a male prostitute, because my senior year I was basically drafted to take a girl to a rival high school prom simply to impress her mom and her friends. I didn't even know her and had never met her before the night of the date, but some friends knew her and recommended me to her as a date to impress people with. We walked around to be seen by her friends and got our photos made for her mom and then I went home. I guess I was a pretty lousy hooker because I didn't even try to get into her pants. But my actual prom date more than made up for that by getting me drunk and then trying to hook up with some other guy during our senior prom. Yes, Jeanette was my prom date both my junior and senior years and I got nothing from her but hazy memories and frustrated loneliness. So, as we said so often back then, whatever.

2. Who was your first roommate(s)?
My Damn Brother, from the first that I can remember until I was 12 years old. When I moved out I lived alone, except for my cat, Here Kitty Kitty, whom My Wife later renamed to Booger Bear. Now she's my roommate, but Booger Bear is still around, too. And later we adopted another cat, much to Booger's annoyance.

3. What alcoholic beverage did you drink the first time you got drunk?
I think it was Budweiser. I have photos so once I find them I can verify. If I had them here I could post them and show you the beer, Jeanette, my 18-year-old body, and long, thick hair with home trim job on the bangs. I remember I was wearing a yellow Cheerios T-shirt in the photo.

4. What was your first job?
I don't know what you'd call it. We weren't movers and we weren't interior decorators. All I remember is that we worked from 9 p.m. until 5 a.m. completely rearranging Belk Hudson for some reason. God knows why, but I think Belks is out of business now anyway so apparently it was all for nothing. Oh well, I got paid either way.

5. What was your first car?
1971 Olds 98 4-door, metallic blue, with a 455 cubic inch 360 hp engine, TH400 transmission and the optional Oldsmobile Posi rear end. My genius brother wrecked it right before he had to turn it over to me, which we both knew he did on purpose just to be a dick. Then he claimed the clutch in the clutch fan was bad and had to be replaced. He took me to a junkyard and got a fan from a Ford Pinto, without a clutch mind you, and put that on the car. Then he told me never to replace it with a new clutch fan because only the factory originals are any good. Knowing what I know now I couldn't tell you if my brother was intentionally screwing me with this fan or just genuinely stupid. With my family either scenario is equally likely. Anyway, the non-clutch fan was always on so the engine never warmed up and I got about 10 mpg all the time. But damn, that car was fast and had a lot of room inside. It just sounded like an airplane because of the stupid fan.

6. When did you go to your first funeral? My sophmore year. Tim Byrne was a runner on our cross country and track team. So was I. I remember running with him. He was a senior and driving alone to the state track meet. He in an intersection of a 4-way-stop in Owens Crossroads, Alabama and was t-boned by a dumptruck. He was bashed around inside his car as it was thrown through the air and he died. He was buried in his track uniform and the entire team was there. I remember it didn't seem real to me until I watched them put the coffin in the ground and start to pour the dirt on it. I didn't start to cry until I saw them burying him and somehow knowing he was down there and being covered up finally drove it home for me. He was only 18. I didn't enjoy running much after that.

7. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown?
Um, I think I was 27 or 28 when FedUp interviewed me for a job in Memphis, which I had not applied for. I only did the interview because they said they'd fly me and I wanted to fly. I never thought they'd hire me. Some headhunter in Houston had gotten my resume from another headhunter in Alabama and submitted it to them. I told them what salary I'd require to make me move to Memphis and they laughed at me and said, "we'll pay you more than that."

8. Who was your first grade teacher?
Mrs Holiday. She was ready to retire and boy did she let us know it. She played all nice the first day while our parents were with us, but the next day and from then on she was a bitch from hell. Thank God we had some classes with Mrs Mitchell, a hot blonde twentysomething who liked to party. We loved Mrs Mitchell. I remember Mrs Holiday whacking me with a ruler because Curry said something to me and she was too deranged to know who was who.

9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane?
I went around in circle. The plane belonged to a typical engineer friend of My Dad. We were leaving church and Dad was talking to some guy. Then he asked if we'd like to ride in an airplane. We were kids. Of COURSE we would. So we drove out to a small local airport. The only car there was this piece of shit Volkswagen Bug. Of course, Mr Engineer gets out of the Bug and waves to us. We look around and there are beautiful planes everywhere. He goes to get his plane. We hear the engine start up and then up taxis the biggest piece of shit airplane I had ever seen. My Dad gets in and goes for a long ride. Then My Brother. Then me. While we were up I'm looking at this thing held together by duct tape and wire and I'm thinking I'm going to die. The guy tries to do some stunts to impress me, but all I could think was how this plane was barely held together. So after a short flight he took me back down. Yeeha.

10. When did you sneak out of your house for the first time, who was it with?
I am the youngest of 5 kids. My Mom didn't want me and My Dad is big on picking favorites, so neither of them gave a shit what I did or where I was. Sneaking out consisted of opening a door and walking outside. I don't remember the first time specifically, but I probably just went across the street to Tony's house.

11. Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends with them?
My first best friend was Tony. Tony doesn't talk much, but we still keep in touch. It's hard to email with someone who doesn't talk, but in some ways its better than a phone call because there are no awkward silences. Also, since he never sees me he does talk a lot more now than he used to. I used to practically live at his house as often as I could so there wasn't much to say back then, but we played sports a lot to keep busy.

12. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parents house?
I was in Alabama in the same house My Parents still live in. And what do you mean "the first time you moved out"? I moved out once and never went back.

13. Who's the first person you call when you have a bad day?
You. You see this blog? This is all I have.

14. Whose wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid/groomsman?
I think My Brother's wedding was the first.

15. What is the first thing you do in the morning?
Pee. Next question.

16. What was the first concert you ever went to?
The Beach Boys. They were touring with some band I can't even remember the name of, but when the Beach Boys came out they made fun of the warm-up band, which was entirely justified because they were gay.

17. First tattoo or piercing?
The first piercing was my shin. I was running outside in Tony's yard at midnight and it was pitch black. Tony's grandmother had brought all her crappy old furniture with her when she moved up from Mobile and decided to dump most of it at Tony's house. She had all this black iron lawn furniture and dumped it on their front porch. They didn't want it there so they scattered it around their yard. Since it was midnight and pitch black I couldn't see. I ran right into it, punching a hole in my shin bone and spilling blood all over. Did you know there isn't anything between your skin and your shinbone? Neither did I. But I do now. If you punch a hole in it then it will bleed like a red waterfall, and I did. Tony thought it was really funny.

18. First celebrity crush?
Um ... God only knows. Maybe Jacqueline Smith?

19. Age of first kiss?
I was in elementary school so I was maybe 9 or 10? I kissed Wendy. At the time I thought it was weird that My Brother and His Friend, Vegaboy, made me kiss her, but today she's really pretty so I'm glad I did it.

20. First crush?
Sherry Clark. I was 5. She was 5. I told her I loved her. She told me she hated me and to go away. You know, your typical male-female relationship.

21. First time you did drugs?
Dude, I can't remember. I grew up on Pink Floyd and Emerson, Lake, and Palmer. Whatever was in the air when I was in My Brother's room, with the lava lamp and the light box, was what I was doing. I just didn't know it at the time.

Taaa daaaaaa! Done.

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Strange Days Indeed

The Bill of Rights is dead, especially if you're a white heterosexual male. Even so, this is worth reading if only to see how the loss of our Constitutional rights has been occurring so swiftly and with whose cooperation.

Facts don't matter. Perceptions are all that matter. Everybody knows that.

Screw world hunger. To hell with overpaid athletes. Katie's getting $15 million per year to read stories.

Some people think one political party's members are more bigoted against the police than most people.

Apparently we already have at least one candidate for the Presidency of the United States in 2008.

And finally, if you are ever planning to get married read this first.

OK, I'm done with this now. Time to go back to farting and pooping.

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With Age Comes Pain

I went running last night. I skipped the gym and just ran out the front door and kept on running until I got to the park. I ran once around and then did sprints up and down a soccer field. Then I ran around the park again and ran home. That's 4 miles not counting the sprints. My knee hurt and my tailbone was complaining a bit (I broke it when I was 10.) My muscles felt fine, but all my joints now seem to think that running is some sort of major crime against my body and so they complain very loudly about it.

This morning I came into work limping and dragging along. I complained to a 43-year-old coworker that I have pains that don't even relate to running and don't make any sense, such as this sharp stabbing pain in the area of my shoulderblade. Why the hell would I have a stabbing pain under my shoulderblade from running?! Anyway, do you know what she said to me?

"Steve, you're only in your twenties. How can you be in that much pain?"

Let me say this again because I like hearing it.

"Steve, you're only in your twenties."

Yes, that's the part I was focused on. There are still people in this world who look at me and think I'm in my twenties. I hadn't thought it possible, what with my body clearly having decided that I must be an old man in his 50s or something. I mean, I don't look anything like I used to. But people used to think I was in my early twenties back a couple of years ago and I thought that was great.

Then I had my first knee surgery and it all started to fall apart, as if my body was trying to make up for the missing years.

I didn't think anyone looked at me now and thought I was in my twenties anymore. I'm so glad someone still does. I'm SO glad.

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Calls From Today - part I

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Memories - part I - Little Boy Says Too Much

Ooh, gotta story about my nephew. He was little, maybe 6, and playing with his Matchbox cars. He was sitting on the floor playing by himself while the adults talked. Then from out of the blue he started banging the 2 cars together nose-to-nose and shouted, "move it, bitch!"

Then My Sister gave his daddy a very nasty look.

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(¯`'•.¸(¯`'•.¸A Lizzie Quizzie!¸.•'´¯)¸.•'´¯)

Yeah, LizzieDaisy periodically asks us all very personal and private things that are absolutely none of her cotton-pickin' business and we, being all idiots, answer. Here are my idiotic answers:

1. When you put license plates on your car, do you renew the same one or get different ones?
I usually wait until my neighbors get their new plates and then just switch with them. Actually it's more complicated than that, but it involves a whole network of swapping one for another for another to keep them from tracking it back to me. I've found that in most cities if they have to go through more than 3 incorrect plates they get tired and give up, so 4 is the magic number. And the best part is you only have to do this swap the first time you move to a new place. After that the plate you swap isn't yours anyway, so it never comes back to you.

2. How often do you go out to eat? Go through drive-thru?
We eat out together on a date at least once a week. But no drive-thru. My Wife can't figure the whole drive-thru concept out.

3. Do you autodeposit checks or put them in the bank yourself?
I don't make deposits, only withdrawls. This is a stick-up!

4. Would you rather have an hour of alone time, or "coffee" with a friend?
If by "coffee" you mean sex I'll take the "coffee."

5. How easily do you get your feelings hurt?
What the hell is that supposed to mean?!

6. Do you ever get up early enough to see the sun rise?
The sun rises?!

7. How often do you think you misinterpret something someone said or did, only to find out you got upset over nothing?
What do you mean by that? I just did this the other day. I'd say every other day at least, with a few days of multiple incidents.

8. Have your ever borrowed or loaned a large sum of money to a friend or relative?
Loaned an entire car to my worthless brother who stole it, stripped it, and then dumped the remains on me when he couldn't put it back together. Yay family.

9. What is the true measure of a "friend?"
If they are there whenyou need bail.

10. On a scale from 1-10, how good are you with staying in touch with yours?
I touch 'mine' all the time. Don't you?

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Well Blow Me Down

Thunderstorms, Tornadoes Leave 27 Dead

By KRISTIN M. HALL, Associated Press Writer



NEWBERN, Tenn. - Thunderstorms packing tornadoes and hail as big as softballs ripped through eight states, killing at least 27 people, injuring scores and destroying hundreds of homes in the South and Midwest.

Tennessee was hit hardest, with tornadoes striking five western counties Sunday and killing 23 people, including an infant and his grandparents and a family of four.

Most of the deaths were along a 25-mile path stretching from Newbern, about 80 miles northeast of Memphis, to Bradford, officials said. The Highway Patrol sent teams with search dogs to the area Monday to check what remained of damaged homes and businesses for anyone who might be trapped in the rubble.

Betty Sisk grabbed her son and daughter, age 10 and 13, and took cover in a closet until the twister blew their house apart and threw them into the yard.

"By the time the sirens started going off, it was at our back door," Sisk said Monday. "I didn't hear a train sound, I heard a roaring."

Nothing remained of Sisk's wood-frame home Monday but the concrete steps. A nearby house was destroyed and Sisk said she had been told the elderly couple who lived there were dead. Another neighbor's home was blown about 30 feet off its foundation.

Severe thunderstorms, many producing tornadoes, also struck parts of Iowa, Kentucky, Arkansas, Missouri, Ohio, Illinois and Indiana. Strong wind was blamed or at least three deaths in Missouri. A clothing store collapsed in southern Illinois, killing one man.

The weather service's Storm Prediction Center in Norman, Okla., said it had preliminary reports of 63 tornadoes.

Among the dead in Tennessee was a baby, one of 15 people killed in Dyer County, said Coleman Foss, CEO of Dyersburg Regional Medical Center. Patty Williams of the Johnson Funeral Home identified the child as Lucas Simpson, and said his grandparents who had been babysitting him were also killed by the storm.

In Gibson County, a family of four — both parents and their two children — were among eight victims of the storm, officials said.

Tennessee Emergency Management Agency spokeswoman Leanne Durm said 17 other people were hospitalized in critical condition.

Although the death toll was higher in Dyer County, the worst reports of damage were coming from Gibson County, Durm said. Bradford reported 1,200 damaged structures, including the police station, while there were 300 damaged buildings in Rutherford and 150 in the city of Dyer, she said.

Newbern alderman Robert Hart said witnesses described the tornado that hit his town as being "almost a mile wide."

"It's amazing some folks even survived when you look at the destruction," Hart told WCMT radio.

About a half-dozen tornadoes struck Arkansas and one destroyed nearly half of the town of Marmaduke, according to a fire department official.

"Almost every single structure in Marmaduke has minor to moderate damage but almost 50 percent of it is totally destroyed," Franks said. Much of the town also was damaged by a tornado in 1997.

At Lafe, Ark., eight miles east of Marmaduke, Dean Rollings said he and two other men watched the tornadoes approach.

"We stood in the parking lot and watched the clouds spin, coming from two different directions," Rollings told The Jonesboro Sun. "Then, we could hear the roaring sound. As we stood in the door, the winds picked up debris, and we saw the other one come in another direction within minutes."

Hail 4 inches in diameter slammed right through the roof of one mobile home in Arkansas, weather service meteorologist Newton Skiles said.

About 30 miles from Newbern, a tornado caused extensive damage to the southeast Missouri city of Caruthersville, although Mayor Diane Sayre said there were no known deaths in the city of 6,700.

"It destroyed just about everything," said Pemiscot County dispatcher Dorothy Hale.

An estimated 1,000 to 1,500 families were displaced, said emergency official Bill Pippins.

"We've got a damage path about a half mile wide," Pippins said.

One Kentucky county declared a state of emergency early Monday as rescue workers struggled to get to rural areas where roads were blocked by power lines and trees.

"We're concerned that there's a lot of hidden back roads that are hard to get to," said Matt Snorton, Christian County's emergency management director.

There were no immediate reports of tornadoes in Ohio, but the state was ripped by high wind.

"In every county in southwest Ohio, there has been some type of damage," said Myron Padgett, a weather service meteorologist in Wilmington.

In mid-March, tornadoes spun off by another huge storm system killed nine people in Missouri and injured dozens in Illinois. Initial reports indicated that system was responsible for more than 100 twisters in five states from Oklahoma to Illinois, the National Weather Service said.

___

On the Net:

Storm Prediction Center: http://www.spc.noaa.gov/climo/

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The "Four Things" List

Siren tagged Zebraman and then he tagged me with this, so I thought I'd waste your time ... I mean, share my fabulousness narcissistic tendencies here:

Four jobs you have had in your life:
1. Male Prostitute
2. Avon Crack Dealer
3. Victoria's Secret Fashion Model
4. Blogging Genius

Four Movies you would watch over and over (in no particular order):
1. Behind the Green Door
2. A Shot In The Dark
3. Raising Arizona
4. Animal House

Four Places you have lived:
1. Rocketown, AL
2. Memphis, TN
3. Redneckville, TN
4. Blogosphere

Four TV shows you love to watch:
1. My Name is Earl
2. Scrubs
3. Joey (Dammit!)
4. House

Four Places You want to visit 'before you die:
1. Australia
2. Germany
3. England
4. Carmen Electra's vagina

Four of your favorite books:
1. "The Hobbit"
2. "Memphis Steve is a god"
3. "No Really, He's a Fuckin' god"
4. "You Don't Have To Worship Steve - Just Send Money"

Four places you have been on vacation:
1. Suan Juan, Puerto Rico
2. St. Thomas
3. Amelia Island
4. Carmen Electra's Homepage

Four websites I visit daily:
1. http://www.google.com/
2. my.yahoo.com
3. http://www.investors.com/
4. http://www.carmenelectra.com/

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Steak
2. Pizza
3. Rocky Road Ice Cream
4. Carmen Electra

Four places I would rather be right now (in no particular order):
1. Carmen Electra's Vagina
2. Australia
3. Bahamas
4. Home

Four friends I am tagging that I think will respond.....
1. Stacy PQ
2. TKW
3. Lucky Lum
4. Lightning Bug's Butt

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Wifeisms

My Wife and I were sitting in the living room. She was on the computer and I was on the couch reading the paper. Suddenly the tornado alarms starting going off in the distance. A recorded man's voice began giving the usual warning that we are all going to die and shouldn't panic as long as you know Jesus because otherwise you'll probably end up in hell rather than Oz. We flipped on the TV news and listened to the weatherman explain the situation. Somewhere in the distance a blogger was cursing him for interrupting "Grey's Anatomy." Then we hit mute and sat listening to the alarms again. Then My Wife turned to me and this is what she said:

"It's a good thing our cats aren't cows."





After a lengthy pause during which I had hoped she would explain what the hell that meant I replied, "eh, what?"

"It's a good thing our cats aren't cows," she repeated.

"OK, why? I mean aside from the fact that their poops on our carpet would be huge," I inquired.

"Because we'd have sour milk for a week," was her ingenius reply.

OoooooooooKAY

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Another Freakin' Survey (imported)

OK, I had a post up here earlier, but it turned out not to be entirely accurate, so I took it down and replaced it with this crap.


Take my survey or I'll hurt you!
1.Last kiss?
Second ago, tucking her into bed.

2. How do u flush the toliet in public?
With my foot. I'm a former soccer player and untalented kickboxer so if you see a shoe print on the handle, that's probably mine.

3. Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?
Always, although I think it's bullshit that the government now tells us to, as if we aren't adults who should be responsible for our own lives. Big Sister is a bitch.

4. Do you have a crush on someone?
I guess in a way I did, but she crushed me. Maybe it's for the best?

5. Name one thing that you start to get tense about if you are close to running out of it:
Money, gas, clean underwear, toilet paper, bullets, condoms, fake passports

6. What famous person do you (or other people) think you resemble?
Long time ago people said I looked like Steve Perry. Someone else said Keith Emerson. Lately I don't hear that I look like anyone. I'm invisible.

7. Favorite pizza topping:
Ham or Pepperoni

8. Finish this sentence: if my life was a sitcom my theme song would be...
Man In The Box

9. Do you pop your knuckles?
No

10. What song do you dislike the most when it gets stuck in your head?
Anything by Jane's Addiction

11. Did just mentioning that song make it get stuck in your head?
No, because Man In The Box is in there right now.

12. What are your super powers?
Clearly I have none. Even my vote isn't counted apparently, so I guess I don't even have the normal powers.

13. Peppermint or spearmint?
What you got?

14. Where are your keys?
On the piano where they belong. You asking about the black ones or the white ones?

15. Who's answers to this questionnaire do you want to hear?
Jayne Mansfield's, but boy, wouldn't THAT be creepy?

16. What's your most annoying habit?:
Speaking the truth and getting beaten down for it. When am I going to learn to smile and lie to women like they want me to? I feel your pain. I did not have sex with that woman. Your ass looks awesome in those jeans. Wait, that last one is actually true.

17. Where did you last go on vacation?
Florida and I'll be back there again soon

18. If you could punch one person in the nose and get away with it, who would it be?
Oh Lord, there are so many. Only one, eh? How about Sandra Bullock? Just for no real reason. I think she'd laugh, don't you? She seems like the sort that would laugh when I hit her, I think, just so long as I said "April fool" right after, you know, 'cause that always makes it funny.

19. What is your best physical feature?
My farting ass.

20. What CD is closest to you right now?
Collective Soul - "Youth" and Alice in Chains - "Greatest Hits" is sitting on top of it.

21. What 3 things can always be found in your refrigerator?
Milk, eggs, bread. Why? You hungry, moocher?

22. What superstition do you believe/practice?
I believe that if I were to punch any of the people in my list from number 18 that bad things would happen to me, such as being arrested. So I only dream about it.

Someone deleted 23 and 24, so Memphis Steve gets to make up new ones!

23. When you're in a public place and your underwear gets up your crack do you sit there and take it, or do you dig it out and let the world deal with it?
Dig it out and let the world get over it. It's not as if there's any decency left anyway.

24. If you could murder 5 people and get away with it, who would they be and why?
Oh, I would NEVER do that. Yeah, I'm working on my answer to number 16 here.

25. Do you talk on your cell phone when you drive?
Not unless it's an emergency. If you call me while I'm driving you'll have to wait 'cause I won't answer.

26. What are your favorite sayings?
"He who sacrifices liberty for security deserves neither"

27. What song(s) do you sing most often in the shower?
I Am A Pretty Little Dutch Girl

28. If you could go back or forward in time would you and where would you go?
I'd go back to the '50s and do Gracy Kelly, Jayne Mansfield, Natalie Wood, Ann Margret and Marilyn Monroe. Hey, this is a fantasy. I'm just going along with it.

29. What is your favorite Harrison Ford movie?
Star Wars

30. What CD is in your stereo?
One that I made

31. What OCD qualities do you have?
Checking the locks on the doors. That's about it really.

32. how many kids do you plan on having?
Maybe 1 or 2 at this point if I'm lucky.

33. If you could kiss anyone famous who would it be?
Reese Witherspoon. I would say Angelina Jolie, but apparently she's been around a whole lot so in the interests of general hygiene I'll go with someone who hasn't been around quite so much.

34. Would you really want to kiss someone you didn't know?
Sure, as long as she was OK with it.

35. What do you do when no one is watching?
Sit perfectly still. I'm motion activated.

36. If they made a movie about your life, what actor/actress would play you?
Jimmy Kimmel, most likely. Oh, I would ASK for Johnny Depp, but they'd stick me with Jimmy Kimmel, I just know it.

37. Would you rather die in a blaze of glory or peacefully in your sleep?
A blaze of glory, with Secret Service agents all around firing every last bullet too late as my perfect shot was already ripping through her heart and ending a reign of Nazi terror that ... er, I mean, in my sleep.

38. What candy, from when you were a kid, do you miss the most?
Chocolate covered peanuts.

39. what is your favorite movie?
I don't know. Rear Window has been a favorite lately.

40. Favorite musician(s)/bands you've seen in concert?
Geez, I never go to concerts anymore. I have no idea.

41. Have you ever been in love?
No, never. I'm a mean, heartless man. Actually, I've been in love at least twice. The first one dumped me for a prick in a leather jacket and a Camaro named Ryan. It was her loss. The Camaro didn't work and neither did he. And the second one, she married me.

42. Do you talk to yourself?
No, but I cuss to myself.

43. Is there anybody you just wish would fall of the face off the earth?
Yes indeedy. Many, many people.

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