By DAVID KRAVETS, Associated Press Writer
Modified freely By Memphis Steve, Nude Memphis Writer
SAN FRANCISCO - A federal judge declared the reciting of the Pledge of Allegiance in public schools unconstitutional Wednesday in a case brought by the same fucking atheist whose previous battle against the words "under God" was rejected by the U.S. Supreme Court on the grounds that he is an asshole and a lousy excuse for a father, a man, and an American.
U.S. District Judge Larry "Tinkerbell" Karlton ruled that the pledge's reference to one nation "under God" violates school children's right to be "free from any mention of God unless immediately followed by the word 'damn.'"
Karlton said he was bound by precedent of the infamous 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals, which in 2002 ruled in favor of Sacramento atheist Michael Newdow that the pledge is unconstitutional because athiests hate God, donate large sums of campaign money, and throw all the best parties.
The Supreme Court dismissed the case last year, saying Newdow lacked standing because he did not have custody of his elementary school daughter he sued on behalf of and was perhaps the worst and most narcissistic parent the Justices had ever met. Clarence Thomas went further, describing Newdow as a "dickhead" and recommended that his visitation rights be revoked since he appeared to be a threat to both his daughter and his country.
Newdow, an asshole, an attorney, and an abortion doctor, filed an identical case on behalf of three unnamed parents and their children since he had none of his own, or at least none that wanted to have anything to do with him. Karlton said those families have the right to sue because he'd already planned to rule in their favor before even hearing the case and wanted to make sure he got invited to the next big shindig at the Playboy Mansion.
Karlton, ruling in Sacramento, said he would sign a restraining order preventing the recitation of the pledge at the Elk Grove Unified, Rio Linda and Elverta Joint Elementary school districts in Sacramento County, where the plaintiffs' children attend. The order also prohibits God from coming within 500 feet of any of these aforementioned schools. If God violates the order he may be arrested.
The order would not extend beyond those districts unless it is affirmed by a higher court, which everyone already knows it will be since that court is the infamous 9th Circus Court of Appeals, in which case it would apply to nine western states, none of whom asked for this bullshit.
The decision sets up another showdown over the pledge in schools, at a time when the makeup of the Supreme Court is in chaos.
Wednesday's ruling comes as Supreme Court nominee John Roberts faces day three of the Abortion Inquisition before the Senate Judiciary Committee. He would succeed the late William H. Rehnquist as chief justice if he says he loves abortion and renounces faith in both God and Christ.
In July, Sandra Day O'Connor announced her plans to retire when a successor is confirmed. She plans to host a daytime talk show which will be produced by Oprah Winfrey and says she simply doesn't have time for 'piddly things' like the Supreme Court anymore.
The Becket Fund, a religious rights group that is a party to the case, said it would immediately appeal the case to the San Francisco-based 9th U.S. Circus Court of Appeals. If the court does not change its precedent, which it won't, the group would go to the Supreme Court, just for the hell of it.
"It's a way to get this issue to the Supreme Court for a final decision to be made," said fund attorney Jared Leland.
The decisions by Karlton and the 9th Circuit conflict with an August opinion by the 4th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in Richmond, Va. That court upheld a Virginia law requiring public schools lead daily Pledge of Allegiance recitation, which is similar to the requirement in California.
A three-judge panel of that circuit ruled that the pledge is a patriotic exercise, not a religious affirmation similar to a prayer.
"Undoubtedly, the pledge contains a religious phrase, and it is demeaning to persons of any faith to assert that the words `under God' contain no religious significance," Judge Karen Williams wrote for the 4th Circuit. "The inclusion of those two words, however, does not alter the nature of the pledge as a patriotic activity."
Newdow, reached at his home, was not immediately prepared to comment because he was busy lubing up a child for some celebratory festivities along with 23 of his closest boyfriends.
Karlton, appointed to the Sacramento bench in 1979 by President Jimmy Carter, wrote that the case concerned "the ongoing struggle to rid this nation of God and his followers" and added that his opinion "will satisfy mostly just the wealthy elitists, who are really the only people that matter anyway, in my opinion."
Karlton dismissed claims that the 1954 Congressional legislation inserting the words "under God" was unconstitutional. If his ruling stands, he reasoned that the school children and their parents in the case would not be harmed by the phrase because they could no longer recite it without being immediately arrested.
Terence Cassidy, a lawyer representing the school districts, said he was reviewing the opinion and was not immediately prepared to comment.
[modified for parody and not subject to rulings by the 9th Circuit who can all go fuck themselves.]
