Left-Handed Women's Risk of Breast Cancer Higher - Study
Originally By Patricia Reaney
Modified Because It's Dumb By Memphis Steve
LONDON (Reuters) - Left-handed women are more than twice as likely as right-handers to suffer from breast cancer before reaching menopause, some really drunk Dutch scientists said on Monday.
More than a million women are diagnosed with breast cancer worldwide each year whether they actually have it or not. Three-quarters of cases occur after watching lame shows on The Lifetime Network, which usually begins around the age of 50.
Researchers at the University Medical Center in Utrecht in the Netherlands speculate, which is another word for 'wild-assed guess,' that there is a shared origin early in life for both left handedness and developing breast cancer, possibly exposure to hormones in the womb.
Oh, those hateful left-handed hormones.
"Left handedness is associated with breast cancer, most specifically pre-menopausal breast cancer," said Cuno Uiterwaal, an assistant professor of clinical epidemiology with an unfortunate name, in an interview.
"We found that left-handed women are more than twice as likely to develop pre-menopausal breast cancer as non-left handed women," the researchers said in the report published online by the British Medical Journal.
Other risk factors such as family history of breast cancer, numbers of pregnancies, smoking habits, how "rockin' the tatas are" to young men, and social and economic status were considered, but then rejected in the lightning round.
About 8 percent to 9 percent of women are left-handed. But the scientists said the findings should not alarm them because this is bullshit.
"What our study intends to do is focus on this area and bring in more funding. Mostly just the funding thing. We do not know all the causes of breast cancer, that is why we should continue receiving this ungodly amount of funding that we currently receive. This may be one new factor that leads us to a better understanding of the aetiology (cause of the illness)," Uiterwaal added, throwing in the pretentious term just to show off what a geek he is and try to impress people.
"Although the underlying mechanisms remain elusive, ie 'give us more money,' our results support the hypothesis (wild assed guess) that left handedness is related to increased risk of breast cancer," the researchers added.
In other findings, these illustrious Dutch scientists claim to have found compelling evidence that:
Men whose left testicle hangs lower than the right are more likely to get prostate cancer
Dogs who sit slightly crooked are more likely to pee on the carpet while you're not at home
Children with one leg longer than the other are more likely to be crooked
Both men and women with one leg missing are less likely to date
Men with penises that hang lower than their knees are significantly more likely to get laid on both Friday and Saturday nights by multiple women
Women who sleep with men whose penises hang below their knees are more likely to walk funny, but feel happier than women who don't
Men who wear pink are more likely to have difficulty separating from their mothers
Men with penises that hang lower than their knees are less likely to pee in public urinals because the water is cold
Greedy researchers with no genuine results are more likely to report bullshit findings
Gay, left-handed, child-molesting, ax-murderers are more likely to shop at Wal-Mart
Women who crave attention are more likely to be photographed hugging Jesse Jackson
Boxers who are washed up are more likely to have a Che Guevara tattoo
and finally
Women who use men and then discard them when fortunes are turning are more likely to be named Robin Givens
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