Have You ever?
Snuck out of the house........ Yes, but my parents were old and tired and didn’t care anymore
Gotten lost in your city.........Lost in Memphis? Hell yes. You ever been to Memphis, you’ll get lost, too. The streets change names all of a sudden and you’re just supposed to know that it continues 5 blocks down, but the map doesn’t show it and there are no signs. Lost in my home town? No.
Seen a shooting star.......... Yes, and quite a few satellites, too. Dad used to show me the stars and tell me what was what while we stood out in the backyard at night. Then he’d tell me about being a boy in Minneola, Texas, and blowing things up with his chemistry set and bombs he’d made. Shooting stars and high explosives, yep. Good times.
Been to any other countries besides Canada.... Do the islands in the Caribbean count? How about Puerto Rico? Texas? Texas used to be a separate country. That should count.
Had a serious surgery........ Well they weren’t exactly funny. At least not to me.
Gone out in public in your pajamas....... Hell, I’ve gone streaking. Walking around my front yard in my yellow smiley-face boxers doesn’t phase me.
Kissed a stranger...........I guess. I can’t remember who the hell she was and she was definitely strange.
Hugged a stranger......... Yeah, but she was some friend’s relative or something so I don’t know how much that counts.
Been in a fist fight........ Yes, several. I always won, too … so far.
Been arrested.......... Yes, and I’ve been spread on the car and patted down and nearly punched a cop, too. And he deserved it, LET ME TELL YOU! Ah, but it’s not what you’ve done, it’s who you know that matters. Oh, to be 18 again.
Laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose...... This was every day at lunch during Middle School. Eating with the guys I hung out with was just asking for trouble. Some of them were pretty funny guys.
Pushed all the buttons on an elevator........ Of course, that’s what they’re there for.
Swore at your parents......... Called Mom a ‘bitch.’ Can’t remember what I said to Dad, but he didn’t care. Then when I said something ‘sucked’ he got all upset about it. WTF?
Been in love....... Yes, and she broke my heart. Then I did it again and married her.
Been close to love....... Never met Miss Jennifer Love Hewitt, but I’d love to.
Been to a casino......... Yes, on the cruise ship during our honeymoon, but the blackjack dealer was too fast so I didn’t play.
Been skydiving.......... No, but if I get the chance and my knees are healthy enough I’ll do it. Less and less chance of that every year, though.
Skinny dipped...........Well, I was pretty skinny in high school, but I had my clothes on when a friend driving his father's boat flung me across Tims Ford lake while waterskiing. The way I cartwheeled it’s a wonder my bathing suit didn’t fly off. Everything else did. I guess this doesn’t count, though, does it? But you should have seen how high those skis flew up into the air.
Skipped school...........Yeah, but only once and all we did was go to the neighbors house and kick the soccer ball all day long. Wheeeee, we were such rebels.
Seen a therapist........ Went to a marriage counselor, but he was a friend and he was really good. We had heard him speak and decided to go to him before we got married just to sort of give our coming marriage a head start. It was a good decision. Later, in Memphis, I went to a guy provided through work. He was a worthless lump of bearded hot air. “So why do YOU think you’re here?” I don’t know, Dipshit. Clearly not to get any advice from you.
Done the splits...........In high school I got to within a few inches of the floor (yeah, I could touch ‘it’ to the floor.) But never made it all the way down.
Played spin the bottle...........No, Truth or Dare. Kissed the girl across the street, who later grew up to be really beautiful.
Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.......... Probably, back in high school. We all drank milk like it was water in my family.
Bitten someone............ Bit My Wife on the butt. She bit my arm and left some serious teethmarks. And she laughed and laughed and laughed.
Been to Niagara Falls....Yes, both sides. Didn’t see Binsk or Cendrine there, but maybe one day.
Gotten the chicken pox....... Yes, when I was 4 or 5 years old. That was when I was home to see the hearse take Christine’s body away after she died during the night. I’ll never forget it.
Kissed a member of the same sex.......No, and I don’t plan to.
Crashed into a friend's car........ No, but I nearly flipped my own after a certain lunatic named Aeillo cut me off while we were drag-racing (at his insistence.) I couldn’t BELIEVE he did that.
Been to Japan......... No, but I have lots of their stuff.
Ridden in a taxi............ Yes, whoopie.
Been dumped........... Yes indeed I have. I’ve even been dumped before we went out for our first date, dammit.
Shoplifted............ Yes, My Brother taught me well, but I always had too strong of a conscience so I couldn’t keep it up.
Been fired............. I don’t know if I was fired or just un-hired. It was a strange scenario.
Had a crush on someone of the same sex......... Not unless Heather Graham secretly has a penis (UGH! Wash my brain! Wash my brain!)
Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back...........Oh Good Lord, yes. Just flip through my high school annuals and pick most any girl in there.
Gone on a blind date.............Blind prom.
Lied to a friend............ Yes, at the wedding. “Oh, I think you two are GREAT together!”
Had a crush on a teacher............ Miss Nixon, who was the reigning Miss Alabama that year, was our student teacher. She was built like a brick shithouse and so beautiful. Unfortunately, I was only 11 at the time.
Celebrated Mardi-Gras in New Orleans........... No, never been to New Orleans, but we can smell it all the way in Memphis.
Slept with a co-worker............ Well, My Wife worked at the same company as me for a few months so I guess that would be a ‘yes.’
Been married........... Yes. I wonder whatever happened to her? Oh yeah, she's lives with me.
Had children............. Not yet as far as I know.
Seen someone die............ I used to work at the Baptist Student Union in college on Friday and Saturday nights. I’d drive home at 1 or 2 a.m. I saw a lot of people die. I saw a guy with blood all over his face, barely conscious, laying on the steering wheel after he plowed into a pole and knocked out the street signal. When I talked to him he wanted me to call his mother. I called the paramedics first and then his mother. Can you imagine getting that call at 2 a.m.? “Hi, your son is plastered to a telephone pole and he wants me to tell you. He’s covered in blood and the car is totalled. Oops, the ambulance is here. Gotta go.”
Had a close friend die.... Chris Chapman was born with genetic defects and a hole in his heart. We all knew he wasn’t expected to live to be old, but it was still a shock when he died just after college. He was a really funny guy. His mother was absolutely crushed. Years later his brother died suddenly and unexpectedly. The mother was left the only surviving family member.
Tim Burn died in a car crash on the way to one of our high school track meets. He was buried in his track uniform. The whole team was there. I'll never forget that. I quit running after that because I couldn't stop thinking about it every time I ran with the team.
Rita Pfaff died in a car crash right after graduation.
Yancy Fortner died in a car crash in Michigan during college.
Been to Africa............ What for? I live in Memphis.
Driven over 400 miles in one day..........I’ve driven a great deal more than that and I’m about to do it again in a few weeks.
Been to US............I’ve been to kings and queens, but I’ve never been to me. Ooh, I hate that song. Why did I think this was funny?
Been to Mexico.......... Why bother? Mexico keeps coming here.
Been to India............. Every time I call the Dell or Bellsouth technical support line
Been on a plane............ Yes. Some were better than others.
Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show..........Many times. Girls have a funny habit of wearing almost nothing to this show. I consider this a big selling point.
Thrown up in a bar..........Not that I can recall, but that doesn’t really mean I haven’t, does it?
Purposely set a part of myself on fire........ I burned off some hairs on my arm while grilling burgers. Does that count? I guess it doesn't since it wasn't on purpose.
Eaten sushi..........Yes, I thought I was in love, but she turned out to be just another Oriental craving gone south
Been skiing/snowboarding............. Yes, and I discovered that snow which has partially melted and then refrozen after sundown makes for some rough landings
Met someone in person from the internet........Once long, long ago when college students used to get hooked on a thing called LambaMOO.
Lost a child.............Not yet
Gone to college/university.........Yes, and finished it, but I may be going back again soon.
Graduated college/university..........Yes, for all the good it does now.
Fired a gun................. Which one? I’ve fired quite a few of them.
Purposely hurt yourself...........Yes, dating her even after my friend Larry warned me not to would probably qualify as hurting myself. I should have listened and asked out Chris Ward instead.
Taken painkillers............... Yes, and I never gave them back either.
Been intimate with someone of the same gender.............What the hell for?!
So there is my "Have you ever?" I stole it from Stacy and I don't even feel guilty about it. I hope this has in some way, shape or form enlightened you and made the world a better place.
We are the world .... we are the children ... mmmmmmm ... something something ... oh well, I always hated that song anyway.
