Bad Pickup Lines for Men

I recently saw a really lame article about bad pickup lines for men that turned out to be from the Huffington Post, which is a communist lesbian Oprah-loving granola short-haired gray wool sweater-vest global warming redistribute the wealth totally bullshit website. Not only that, but their article was super duper lame. So I've decided to write my own because I'm such a nice guy and all.

1. "You must be Peanut Butter because I'd like to spread you and eat you." - to be fair, this line has been known to work a time or two, but mostly just in L.A. and a few lesbian bars in New York. For average, straight men using this on women they don't know, but would like to, it usually results in a punch in the mouth. I don't recommend it.

2. "Were you just screaming my name? No? Would you like to be?" - the approach here is much the same as the previous line. It offers a promise of great sexual gratification for the woman if she comes with you and cooperates. But it's also pretty offensive, and if she's not in the right mood for it you'll get a punch in the mouth.

3. "Hey, see that van out there? That's mine. You wanna go get in the back with me and have sex?" - this was an actual line, repeatedly used, from a 1970s movie titled "The Van" that featured a skinny loser driving around in a dorky Chevy van getting laid by large breasted girls simply for having the van and basically nothing else going for him. It was a terrible movie and an even worse pick-up line. Also, the only people still driving vans these days are electricians and serial killers.

4. "You're hot. Wanna fuck?" - as bad pickup lines go, this one isn't the worst. I've had a few friends actually get laid with this one. But it lacks any creativity at all and doesn't really qualify as a pickup line. It's basically just a quick transaction. Any guy can walk into a bar and quickly go through every woman in the room asking "wanna fuck" until he finds one that says "yes" or is simply too drunk to say "no" and can be convinced to stumble outside with him. This is cheating.

5. "I find you very attractive. I'd like to engage in sexual intercourse with your vagina." - this is almost the same as the previous line, only without the manliness. It's a line I've seen science nerds try on the mistaken assumption that because women are always accusing men of being liars, they must really desire a man who is straightforward and honest.  They don't. They always sleep with the men who lie to them and move the honest guys into the 'friend zone', reserved for guys they feel no sexual attraction to. This line is the equivalent of saying "Hi, I'm a virgin with no clue how to talk to women and I was wondering if you'd help me get rid of my virginity." That line also never works, by the way.

OK, now for the important part. The following are lines that DO work.

1. "I can't believe people are saying that Obama might lose. He's the best president we've ever had. It would be tragic if he were to lose." - the easiest women in the world to sleep with are women who are planning to vote for Obama in the upcoming election. These are the women who have already had 3 1/2 years to see what he's all about and yet are still going to vote for him again, mostly out of fear of being called 'racist' if they don't. These women are the ones always complaining that 'all men are liars' and then relegating all their honest guy friends to the friend zone while screwing the shit out of the biggest assholes they can find. These women despise themselves and want to suffer. They also want to get laid, but they want it to be in a way that they can complain and feel guilty about later. So you fuck them and then you get the hell out as fast as possible. And never, ever call them. They don't want you to call them. They want to complain about you not calling them. Don't rob them of that.

2. "Oh my God, did you watch Jersey Shore last night?" - research has shown that girls who watch Jersey Shore are easy lays.  Also high on this list of "she's definitely easy if she watches this" are shows about people bidding on mini-storage units, shows about chefs/bar owners yelling at people about how bad of a job they're doing for a solid hour, anything on Mtv, anything on HLN, and that gameshow where people are trying to get through an obstacle course while machines bash the shit out of them and they fall into the water. Basically, any show that is endlessly stupid and shallow and cheap.

3. "Did I see a tattoo on your lower back or was that my imagination?" - it doesn't matter whether you saw a tattoo there or not. What matters is whether or not she's got one. If she does then she'll think you saw it and talk to you about it. Also, if she does, it means she's a huge whore and will sleep with just about anyone. No, I'm only kidding. No, but really, its kinda true.

4. "Man, this global warming is bumming me out." - any girl who goes for this one is just begging to be plowed and tossed aside. Seriously, you don't even need to ask her name. Just go straight for the sex. It'll be totally guilt-ridden and angst-filled for her, but only afterwards. During the sex she'll be high as a kite and not really aware of who you are either. Afterwards she'll double her pleasure by bitching about it to her friends. Then she'll go out tomorrow night and do it again, maybe even with you if she doesn't recognize you.

5. "If Obama doesn't get reelected then I hope Hillary runs next time. It's time this country had a strong, intelligent, independent woman as president." - again, this is playing to the same crowd as must of the others, but that's the crowd that does most of the fucking with total strangers, so that's the crowd you need to focus on. Remember, a pickup is about a random hook-up, not a long-term relationship. The less you respect the person you're using a line on, the more likely it is to work.

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