Gym Douche

Gonna do some running, girlfrien'

What do you call a guy who walks into the men's bathroom, sees a long row of pee toilets all unoccupied except the one way over in the corner that you're using, and instead of respecting your space and using one on the opposite side of the bathroom he comes over and stands right next to you to pee?

Yeah, you call that guy a homo, an asshole, a freak, a dick, a retard.

Well guess what? We kinda say the same thing about a guy who sees a row of empty treadmills all unoccupied and one treadmill with a guy on it running along by himself in the far corner, and so that guy goes over and gets on the treadmill right next to the guy running by himself. Yeah, that was awesome. Thanks for that.

It wasn't bad enough that he skipped all the empty treadmills to come over and run right beside me. No, that was just the beginning of his exemplary retardation.

He ran like Phoebe on "Friends" when she's intentionally being a dork and flailing around like a Special Olympics contestant. And he stomped. He stomped so loud that I could hear him stomping over the sound of his blasting dipshit music.

Speaking of that, how much of a totally self-absorbed child-man do you have to be to bring your phone with no headphones and just blast your music at everyone around you as if we all want to hear that shit? I ask because that's exactly what this guy did. And even with my earbuds pressed deep into my ears I was still forced to listen to his blasting backwoods redneck gangsta twang which was only surpassed in noise by the sound of his clown feet pounding the treadmill like a donkey dancing on a big bass drum. Was he trying to break it? It sure sounded like his goal was to see if he could literally stomp the treadmill until it broke in half.

Oh, but my favorite part of his whole retarded display was the hoodie he was wearing. It's fucking 80 degrees and he and his 2 boyfriends were all dressed just alike in matching hoodies. But he, while stomping along at a dead sprint like a squirrel on a wheel and blasting "Redneck Woman" on his phone for all of us, he actually tried to be 'cool' and flip up his hood like some gangsta rapper, cuz you know, that protects you from bullets and other people at the gym who think you're an ass for blasting music from your phone with no headphones.

I could NOT fuckin' believe that he put the hood up over his head and tried to run like that. I was tempted to reach over and kick him off the treadmill before shouting "Oh my God, they killed Kenny! BASTARDS!"

They killed Kenny!

I know that high school is a tough time. A person's brain is not fully formed, or even half-formed really. You're effectively a child in a floppy adult body. But even when I was in high school, my friends and I never brought our music into any public gym and tried to get away with blasting it at everyone else. We knew even then that this was totally selfish and asinine. Not only that, but it would have gotten our asses beat.

I am almost certain that this guy is still in high school. Surely he must be. Because if not, and he's acting like that, then he needs to go back and redo a few grades. Something didn't take.

The best part, though, the absolute cherry on top of this whole experience was when I took the time to get a good look at him and discovered that without his hood up he looked like this:

No wonder he wore his hood up

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