The Madness Meme

I stole this from Catch Her in the Wry who stole if from Sunday Stealing:

1.Have you ever licked the back of a CD to try to get it to work?
Why would I do that? I've wiped them on my shirt to get fingerprints and crap off the surface, but licking one is something that I would never do.

2. What’s the largest age difference between yourself and someone you’ve dated
I was once engaged to a girl who was 6 years younger than me. But she dumped me for a douchebag who worked with her at The Peanut Shack. I was graduating a university with a good degree and a serious career ahead of me and she dumped me for a minimum wage dork who worked in the mall at The Peanut Shack.

Don't leave me!

3. Ever been in a car wreck?
I once launched my father's 1969 Buick Wildcat 6 feet into the air and landed on the front bumper, which technically didn't count as a wreck, but it sure did scare the living shit out of me. It didn't do the car any good either, although it didn't show any signs of damage. They used to build manly cars out of steel back in The Day before government assholes and marketing fags convinced the car companies to make them all out of plastic and market them exclusively to girlie girls. If you did what I did with any modern car the whole front end would fall off, the air bags would break your face, the front wheels would fall off and the engine and transmission would fall out onto the ground. I'm not kidding.

Dad will never notice

4. Were you popular in high school?
That would depend on your definition of 'popular'. I was popular with sororities who made lists of people that their 'mean girls' weren't allowed to speak to or associate with. And by 'popular' I mean that I was on that list.

5. Have you ever been on a blind date?
Yes, I was sort of hired out as a male prostitute for a senior prom. It was all very "16 Candles" or "Pretty in Pink" or whichever movie had Molly Ringwald going to prom with some guy she didn't care about because Jake didn't take her. I was a last minute stand-in at more than one prom before graduating, which is to say, the guys they really wanted dumped them and I was an unwanted stand-in.

6. Are looks important?
Mine aren't. And by this I simply mean that no one is looking at me, so it doesn't matter what I look like.

7. Do you have any friends that you’ve known for 10 years or more?
Most of them. I know too much about their past for them to dump me, you see, so they have to keep me around.

8. By what age would you like to be married?
Are you talking about the old definition of marriage or the new, gay definition of marriage? 'Cause I'm not interested in being married to a guy. I don't need a husband.

9. Does the number of people a person has slept with affect your view of them?
No, they usually look the same no matter how many people they've slept with, unless they got AIDS or Hep C from it, in which case they look kind of rough.

10. Have you ever made a mistake?
My entire life is one big mistake. I should correct it by tying a rope around my neck and erasing the whole thing. Knowing me, though, I'd do that wrong too and screw it up somehow.

11. Are you a good tipper?
I once saw a coworker tip a waitress 46% simply because she was pretty. I can't say that I do that, but I generally tip OK unless the person waiting on me treats me like crap.

12. What’s the most you have spent for a haircut?
How could this possibly interest anyone? I actually don't know the answer, but with my hair, it pretty much does whatever the hell it wants to anyway so expensive haircuts are a bit of a waste for me.

13. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher?
When I was in the fifth grade the reigning Miss Alabama was student teaching with our class for several months. She was about 20 years old and smokin' hot. That was the only teacher crush I ever had, and she wasn't technically our teacher.

14. Have you ever peed in public?
I once peed on the house of a guy that my prom date dumped me to go screw. I was very much outside in public, highly intoxicated and I didn't give a damn.

15. What song do you want played at your funeral?
Don't Fear the Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult seems like as good a choice as any. More than likely, though, people will ignore my wishes and go with Ding Dong the Witch is Dead.

16. Would you tell your parents if you were gay?
My father is dead, so I suppose he might turn over in his grave a little. My mother would simply be confused and then tell me the story about a woman she knows who was married to a man who had a heart attack and emerged from the hospital with a totally different personality which included becoming gay. She would assume that I must've had a heart attack, too.

17. What would your last meal be before getting executed?
Something that takes a very long time to cook.

18. Beatles or Stones?
Right now I'm going with the Stones, but my mood changes and with it so do my musical preferences.

19. If you had to pick one person on earth to die, who would it be?
I would withhold my choice for as long as possible so that everyone would be nice to me for fear that I might choose them. See how that works?

20. Beer, wine or hard liquor?
Yes, please.

21. Do you have any phobias?
I'm dumbassophobic.

22. What are your plans for the future?
None of my past plans for the future have come to pass despite my best efforts so from now on all I can do is live moment to moment.

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