Made in America - impenetrable plastic packaging

mom proof caps
Mom-proof caps

I was talking to my mom the other day when she told me about a frustrating problem she'd had. She went to the store and bought a bottle of aspirin because she wasn't feeling well. When she got the bottle home and tried to open it, she found that it had one of those annoying child-proof caps. Being old, she found the cap to be old-person proof, too.

My mom isn't exactly known for her patience, being Irish and all. She tried the lid a few times, with no luck. Then she got a hammer.

WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! She wailed on that plastic bottle cap for all she was worth. But it didn't budge. It also didn't show any signs of cracking, so she wailed on the bottle itself a few times. WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! Nothing. No cracks. No pills.

In frustration, she got an ice pick and began stabbing the bottle. She told me that she managed to make a hole in the cap, only to discover that underneath the bottle cap was another cap of some sort, inside the first cap. She had to dig her way through two layers of plastic old-person-proof cap using that ice pick. This made her good and mad.


Then she got some metal snips and began nipping at the hole she'd made with the ice pick. Slowly, but surely, she managed to cut open the top cap and get down to the lower cap, the child-proof part. She cut through that one, too, a little at a time, until finally she had enough of a hole to get to the aspirin!

She dumped all the aspirin out of the infuriating patient-proof bottle and into a Ziploc bag. Then she threw the "Made in America" indestructible plastic container into the trash, where it belongs.

Everything we buy these days seems to be made in China or Mexico, and most of it is shit. But when it comes to indestructible pill bottles, or that damned vacuum formed plastic around anything from flashlights to pocket knives to new batteries, that impenetrable and razor-sharp clear plastic vault which prevents you from accessing the item you've just bought without first using power tools to tear open the packaging, cutting yourself to ribbons in the process, that shit is made in America.

Yay us.

jaws of life
Give me my new iPod, damn you!
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