That's What I Think

Not as cool as you think - a photograph of you in which you are dancing up on a stage or platform in a hip club, where everyone else can be clearly seen behind you standing with their back turned toward you, ignoring you. Yes, I can see that you're dancing, and you're dressed in expensive and fashionable clothing, and you do look fabulous, but the fact that everyone has their back to you says something that you may not have considered. Yes, I saw this photo on Facebook and was going to post it here, but it occurred to me that you are the friend of several friends of mine and it might be mean of me to publicly shame you like that. You're welcome.

Geographically challenged - every time I look at a map, either of the world, or sometimes just the Americas, I discover that I am far more ignorant of geography than I ever realized. I had no idea that Quebec was over there, that the Bahamas were down there instead of out that way, and I constantly reverse Sydney and Melbourne in my brain. Don't even get me started on Norway, Finland, Sweden, and that whole area. I am retarded. I learned geography by playing the old boardgame Risk.

Not equipped - the past month has taught me something I never knew before. Apparently all luxury cars, including a certain Ferrari I passed yesterday, do not come equipped with blinkers of any kind. It's true! Lexuses, Mercedeses, BMWs, Range Rovers, Volvos and even the funkiest Ferrari I have ever seen, all come without turn signals. I know this because I have not seen any of these cars use turn signals in over a month, and it has been true 100 percent of the time. I prefer to assume that it is the car manufacturers who left this 'option' off these vehicles, because otherwise I would be forced to conclude that everyone who drives these types of vehicles is a narcissistic, self-absorbed, shithead.

Nobody home - why are people still friending me over on MySpace? Does my profile there not clearly show that I have not logged on since George W Bush was president? Is it not obvious that I am not active over there? Are these people simply looking to add random people without the slightest regard for who they are or whether or not they are even going to be around? Seriously, it's MySpace. I think that speaks for itself. It's dead. We should hold a funeral and bury it.

Twitter - I am constantly amazed at the wide assortment of people who follow me on Twitter. I have everyone from the Christian Coalition to NoH8, or whatever the hell their name is. And most recently, the Gay Men's Chorus of LA has followed me. Add this to the fact that GaySex is following my blog and I would seem to be popular with both the very straight and the alternate lifestyle crowd for reasons that escape me. I'm not complaining. I just find it curious. If Sarah Palin and Nancy Pelosi both follow me at the same time, would Twitter explode? We may one day find out.

Bucket List - my bucket list does not include running any marathons, ringing any stock exchange bells, jumping off anything high up that isn't designed to fly, or public displays of my own naked body. You should all thank me for that last one, by the way. And you're welcome. But while we're on the subject, I would like to one day visit Australia, New Zealand, British Columbia, Toronto (again) and maybe Norway or Sweden. I would also like to fly a helicopter and a jet, jump out of an airplane without blowing my knee on the landing, shoot a really big machine gun, drive a racecar at 200 mph around a banked track, compete in a triathlon, snowski in Switzerland or Austria, ride a decent wave at Bondi Beach with an actual surfboard, photograph a supermodel, and motorboat Kim Kardashian or Katy Perry.

Climate Change - the claim that mankind is causing the earth to heat up and cook is bullshit, but not all talk of 'climate changes' is crap. My dad was a master of climate change when I was a kid riding in the family van on the highway to Texas in summer heat along with the rest of my family, and he'd fart and then refuse to allow us to open any windows. It's a wonder any of us survived.

Television - Laura Vandervoort is the only reason the television show "V" remains on the air. "V" is a sci-fi show that appeals specifically to the egos of women (V is for vagina), but so are all the serial killer crime shows, all the Law and Orders, pretty much every cop and crime show, plus the dramas with lawyers and/or doctors, and they all do it without the science fiction element that most women don't care anything about. So you would think that few women would make time to watch a show like "V", but they do, and so do a lot of men. The reason is Laura Vandervoort. Laura Vandervoort's amazing face is so hypnotic, so hard to look away from, that audiences will sit mindlessly mesmerized for the entire time that she is on the screen, and then wait impatiently for her to come back during the commercials and brief scenes where she is not being shown. Pretty much the commercials and scenes without Laura Vandervoort are the same thing, a minor irritation. They should just make this show into a full hour of Laura walking around smiling and get rid of everything else. I'd watch that.

You just can't look away from her

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