50 Things No One Asked Me

I stole this from Miss Boudoir, a hot female blogger who got my attention with her screaming pink blog and sexy profile picture. Hey, I can't help being superficial. I'm a blogger, not Dr. Phil, who is also pretty superficial but much better paid for it.

OK, so here are 50 questions that were asked of other bloggers, all females, which I stole and answered myself for absolutely no good reason other than that I am lazy and don't have to work very hard on posts like this compared to other posts.

1 - How old do you act?
When I'm happy I act about 12. The rest of the time I act about 50, assuming 50 involves a lot of watching TV and shouting things at the screen about how stupid the stuff on TV is.

2 - Why is the sky blue?
Because the sky is filled with farts and farts are made of methane and methane makes the sky blue. They fart a lot in Australia which is why the sky is bluer there than anywhere else in the world, or so I'm told.

3 - Do you burp, fart, or both in front of others?
I burp in front of others when I'm totally lost in my own world and forget where I am. I fart for entertainment, so I won't waste a good one on you if you aren't someone who can appreciate a fine quality toot.

4 - Someone's writing a book based on your life. What would the title be?
"The Stupidest Man in the World"

5 - How many days in a row can you go without taking a dump?
I pretty much dump my load about once a day. I have no problem doing it at work. It's one of the few chances I get to read the paper. Somehow reading the news and shitting seem to be a perfect match for each other.

6 - Favorite childhood cartoon?
Bugs Bunny

7 - Have you ever caught someone in the act of masturbating?
Not if I could help it. Blech. Maybe if some Playboy bunnies lived near me I'd feel differently about it, but they don't so I don't either.

8 - Favorite food to make/bake/cook/etc?
I like to make a trip to the counter and say "Gimme a number 1 with a Coke."

9 - What's one redeeming quality about mushrooms?
They give shade to frogs and when I whack them with a golf club they always drive straight and true

10 - What's wrong with Richard Simmons?
He's flaming on the inside, but frosting and sprinkles on the outside. And his cupcakes have all gone stale.

11 - Name one celebrity who needs to come out of the closet.
We've had more than enough celebrities leaping and hopping out of the closet. What we need is for a few of them to get back in the closet and shut the fuck up about their private sexual habits for awhile. Sometimes less is more.

12 - Name one redeeming quality about asparagus.
Its great to have in a food fight 'cause it throws well.

13 - If "We Are the Champions", what are you?
Freddie Mercury, I guess, only with better teeth and no one climbing up my ass

14 - What's something they taught you in school that should never be taught to anyone?
They taught me how to stab a 6th grade boy in the balls with a pencil for absolutely no reason. Seriously. This is what went on at the school I went to. The teachers taught it and encouraged it as much as they could. And now you know just a little more about how I ended up so fucked up and angry.

15 - What's the deal with Steven Segal anyways?
He can't accept the fact that he's yesterday and needs to go home and finish growing old there.

16 - Name two movies that should have never been made.
How about every movie Adam Sandler ever made? How many is that?

17 - Do you enjoy to point, stare, and laugh at others?
Do I enjoy to point? What are you, straight off the boat? I enjoy people-watching and I may on occasion laugh to myself at someone who appears more goofy than average. Memphis has a high level of goofy and ugly so there is a lot of entertainment value in people-watching in Memphis.

18 - Name one or more words that every time you hear them, make you cringe.
Balls, Oprah, ABC Family

19 - Have you ever put anything up your ass?
My own head a time or two

20 - What can you do better than most?
I'm a pretty talented smart-ass.

21 - Have you smoked pot?
2nd-hand for a few hours, as did everyone else at that concert

22 - Would you wrestle a member of the same sex, nude, in pudding for 10 minutes for one million dollars?
Yeah, and I'd pin that fucker and make him scream "uncle" too. Then I'd spend that money so fast it'd make the IRS' head spin

23 - Happiest moment of your life?
I'm still waiting

24 - Name in order, the body parts of the opposite sex you notice first.
1. Smile, or lack thereof
2. Eyes, gleaming or glaring?
3. Breasts
4. lower good parts
5. hands, holding a weapon or empty?

25 - What or where's the furthest you've been away from home?
Somewhere in the Caribbean, on an island herding cats while wearing scuba gear

26 - Have you ever been to Africa?
I live in Memphis. It's like South Africa except without any of the beautiful Dutch women.

27 - Can you currently do a split?
I cannot currently nor could I ever do a split. I came close in taekwondo back in The Day, but never made it all the way down.

28 - What's better - a knee-jerk reaction or a polish knee slap?
I've never experienced a Polish knee slap so I'm going with the knee jerk out of shear ignorance

29 - Ever given anyone a dutch oven?
Only in the sense of how it relates to farting

30 - What's your favorite kind of apple?
Fionna Apple is my favorite apple

31 - Favorite Muppet?
Fozzy Bear, cause he was a loser like me

32 - Squash just doesn't sound very tasty. What say you?
I say pizza doesn't sound tasty either, but it is.

33 - How many sexual partners have you had?
Not nearly as many as I'd dreamed of when I was a frustrated teen

34 - Favorite number?
Twelve trillion, and please deliver it to my door in cash

35 - Favorite type of pet?
Uh ... Penthouse?

36 - Favorite sexual position?
Just anything that results in sex

37 - Least favorite sexual position?
The one that ends up in the emergency room with screaming and crying

38 - Is it better to give or receive?
Depends on what it is that's being given or received

39 - When's the last time you vomited?
It depends. Does it count if it comes out your ass?

40 - Name one product you use that everyone ought to use.
A car - it's amazing. You can travel long distances in a short time and even be comfortable as you travel!

41 - What's worse - having your period or spraining your ankle?
I don't have periods, but I have sprained an ankle or two. Sprained ankles generally last longer than periods, or so I'm told, but they don't return every 28 days. Then again, I'm a guy so the only way I could have a period would be to bleed out my penis, which would be really, really bad. Let's change the subject.

42 - What sport can you play well?
I used to play several sports well, but I've lost my edge now and just generally suck at life these days.

43 - What's the funniest thing you've heard/seen/done in the past week?
I watched Tosh.O the other night and it was pretty funny. Also, I heard that the guys on Top Gear said some hilarious things about Mexican cars that have them in trouble with the Mexican ambassador over in England.

44 - Are you interested in being friends with someone on death row?
We're all on death row. We just don't often think about it that way.

45 - What's 4+3*800/3?

46 - Who would make a better President - Sarah Palin or Cookie Monster?
Either one would make a better president than the Elmo doll we have now.

47 - Have you ever done a snow angel in the nude?
Not that I can remember, but alcohol has a funny way of erasing such embarrassing memories.

48 - Who's your favorite Golden Girl?
I hate them all and wish that show would go away and join all the Adam Sandler movies in hell.

49 - Have you ever taken a dump out a window?
Um, no.

50 - Favorite kind of ice cream?
Mint Chocolate Chip or Rocky Road, although I don't eat much ice cream anymore.

And now a video that expresses how I feel ...

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