My New Year's Resolutions

Goodbye 2010

It's the end of 2010 and I can't say that I feel any damn emotion about it. I mean, maybe if I sit quietly and contemplate my navel for awhile I might come up with something about 2010 that stands out as meaningful and fabulous. But I don't feel like it. To be completely honest, I'm currently staying up way too late, watching a movie I don't like, and commenting on Twitter at the same time that I'm writing this. Am I a great multi-tasker? No, not really. But this is how my life is right now, so deal with it.

Alright, here they are, because I know you've been sitting there with baited breath saying to yourself, "please, Steve, hurry up and tell me what your fabulous resolutions are."

1. I resolve to be less tolerant and more confrontational to jackwads who take a giant shit in the livingroom of my life. Fuck tolerance. Tolerance is how the commies gained control of the Russian government without a shot being fired. Tolerance is how good things slowly corrode into shitty, politically correct bullshit things that the world was better off without. Tolerance is the great enabler of psychological games, manipulations and abuse.

2. I resolve to install a big-assed train horn on my 4x4 and use it as needed. And if I enjoy it as much as I think I will, I resolve to install super loud horns on every vehicle I own (I own a lot.) Hey, if you assholes can drive around with super blinding Xenon headlights that literally burn the retinas of every other driver on the road then I can blow your fucking eardrums out with the audio equivalent and rattle your windows when you drive slow in the passing lane.

3. I resolve to spend less of my valuable time waiting for computers and other electronic shit to do what I fucking told them to do and find more ways to do things that I want to do while the damn computer is churning slowly along, spinning that damn hourglass on my screen like a big target that begs to be shot and put out of its misery. In fact, this is why I tweet now, because I have loads of time to pull out my cellphone and write something witty or charming or totally obnoxious and rude while waiting for Windows to do what I told it to do on my PC. Thank God for cellphones. They give me faster internet access than my PC does, and that is just sad.

4. I resolve to never again run out of vodka, Jack Daniels and Jager because the crap on television and in the newspapers makes me want to shoot myself, and drinking keeps me sane. Or at least as close as I get to sane.

5. I resolve to watch more quality porn. Everyone else seems to see a lot more porn than I do and I don't think it's fair. I don't even know who any of the current stars of the porn world are anymore, and by 'current' I mean anyone from the past 10 years even. My life needs more porn.

6. I resolve to care less and mock more. In fact, some say I do my best mocking when I truly don't care or have simply given up all hope of any possibility of making a difference in the world.

7. I resolve to bombard Monday Night Femmeball's Mike "women and men" Tirico with more hatemail than he has ever received before in his entire life and, if I should ever meet him in person, to kick him in the groin with such force that his entire body is lifted off the ground and he lands on his face. In fact, I think I'm going to print up some T-shirts and bumperstickers that say "Mike Tirico is a cunt - throw rocks at him" and sell them at football games. He's the most hated "man" in all of American athletics, and he deserves to be. His cuntliness could very well make me rich if I work it right.

8. I resolve to sleep more. Theoretically this should be easy. There is very little worthwhile on the television and other than blogs I don't find all that much on the internet to entertain myself with anymore either. You would think I could get myself to bed earlier simply due to the lack of anything keeping me awake. Unfortunately, I also have books and magazines, and they are always ready to keep my mind churning when the TV and internet don't have anything going on. My mind is fascinated, but my body is exhausted.

9. I resolve to kick small dogs who bother me while I'm jogging and then kick their owners if they should complain about it because their stupid little yappy bitches come all the way out into the street and try to bite me every time I run past. Larger more manly dogs never do this. Pit bulls, for example, barely even bother barking at me as I run by. No, it's always the stupid annoying yappy little bitches in sweaters and pink collars with sequins that leave the confines of their yard and actually try to bite me out there in the street. I played soccer for years. Surely its no coincidence that most small dogs weigh about the same as a regulation soccerball. It's like God wants us to punt the fuckers. And I wouldn't want to defy God. I wouldn't want to waste all those years of training and practice from soccer. That would just be wrong.

10. I resolve to rid myself of false friends and other parasites. I've spent enough years of my life trying to please people, to win them over and make them like me. Fuck'em. More often than not, the people I'm the nicest to make the worse friends and the people I keep at a safe distance are the best friends of all. We see each other whenever we can find the time, whenever it works out for the both of us, and spend the rest of our time doing our own thing. Actually, that's not entirely fair. There are a very few select friends who are as close as family. Then again, if you knew my family ... Anyway, the friends who truly are friends to me, I resolve to be a friend to in return. And the rest, the people I called friend who never call me 'friend' in return, can go. And good riddance.

So there you have it. 10 New Year's resolutions from the land of Nude Memphis. I'll probably keep a few of them and break the rest before the year is even half over, but that's OK. Resolutions are made to be broken. In fact, that's going to be my resolution number 11 - I resolve to break any and all of these resolutions as I see fit.

Now, why don't you tell me your New Year's resolutions?

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