Random Mental Machine Gunning

It sucks to be sick. Sick sucks. Sucky sick. Suck my sick.

Oh was I missing a bowl game featuring a blowout? Darn, I was busy having a life.

I just saw "Season of the Witch." I'm so confused, I thought this was a film about Nancy Pelosi's rise to Speaker of the House!

All the ice has melted in my Coke and now it tastes like piss. Yet still I'm drinking it. Why do I do this?

I'm so ashamed! I just followed someone on Twitter simply because a hot celebrity follows them. I don't even know who they are but their account is verified so they must be some kind of celebrity, too.

To sleep, perchance to dream naughty pornographic dreams!

Why is it such a pain to buy toothpaste on Amazon.com? 20,000 different types of toothpaste? Really?!

Is that Nancy Pelosi guest starring on "Lie To Me" or am I mistaken? Look, she's lying again!

There is jack crap on TV and yet I'm too lazy to get up and load my new DVD instead. This is lazy taken to the extreme.

A Taser shock to the genitals is technically sexual assault and torture, but our government calls it "family comedy" if the victim is male ?? And Taser International calls it "particularly effective." Yeah, so is a .40 bullet to the heart, but we don't allow that either except in a life-and-death self-defense scenario, assholes.

The road beckons with a siren song, yet the toilet holds me here as if 'gainst my will. Foresooth, I must poo 'ere I go. Egads!

Dad used to say "never miss an opportunity to shut up" to which I'd reply "the best leaders lead by example" and he'd hit me.

If Justice wore a blindfold our courts would be a dramatically different place. As it is we have a circus and soap opera blended together.

St Lorena

If the Press treated men the way it treats women then Jack the Ripper would be called a "strong independent man" and they'd pity him. He'd be on Tavis Smiley talking about how hard his life has been. Later he'd do non-stop interviews with local news reporters all across the country anxious to kiss his ass and tell him how sorry they are for his suffering.

We made this shit up

I once studied a martial art that had no name so we just called it "eyes, throat, balls." We didn't even have to stretch before class. These days they call it Krav Maga and it's all the rage. We were cutting edge and didn't even know it.

Remember when martial arts were for self-defense? Now we have krav maga, which is yiddish for "how to be an effective violent sexual predator"

How is it we imprison soldiers for waterboarding terrorists but not cops or bitter ex-girlfriends for Tasering unarmed men's testicles? Torture is torture and wrong is wrong.


How ironic that they would have freed this man on parole many years ago if only he would say he was guilty of a rape he did not commit. You would think that saying you were guilty would keep you locked up instead of the other way around.

Texan declared innocent after 30 years in prison
A Texas man had his conviction overturned Tuesday for a rape and robbery he didn't commit after serving 30 years in prison, more time than any other inmate subsequently exonerated by DNA evidence in his state.

Boo hoo Boehner

I can't believe the new speaker of the House if named Boehner. I mean, it's SO close to Boner. Yes, I realize even a boner as speaker is better than a crazy cunt like Pelosi, but even so, this Boehner cries a lot. What's up with that?

Disney Molester
SS Pedo

Disney has just announced the arrival of its newest 4,000 passenger cruise ship, the SS Pedophile, down at Port Canaveral, Florida. It can hold 4,000 adults, or 8,000 meaty little children plus a crew of Disney predators who run the ship and keep the little buggers buggered.

The Classic Combover

Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania believe they have found the cause of male pattern baldness, and thus the beginnings of a possible cure, prompting US Supreme Court Judge Ruth Bader Ginsburg to shout "glory hallelujah, I'm gonna have my own hair again, and not just on my face!" The President himself reportedly responded to the news by asking, "have they looked into the cause of micro penis? I would really like for them to get to work on that as soon as possible."

Remember a few years ago when I blogged about the discovery that the water all around Washington DC is polluted with "estrogenic compounds" which have a castrating effect on all male animals, including humans? Well, here's the new speaker of the House:

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