A Jewish Man Walks Into a Bar and Asks for a Hanukkah Ham

hanukkah ham

So I have been working (wasting) the night away sitting at my computer which I had no intention of turning on tonight. I successfully stayed away from it last night and I was glad for it (withdrawal.) But tonight someone called me and asked me if I had read their email about the Trans Siberian Orchestra coming to Memphis. I had not. So I reluctantly (excitedly) turned on the computer to check it. 3 hours later I am long done with the conversation and the email, but I am still on the damn computer (slow piece of shit.) This is how drug addiction starts, people. Trust me on this. Just say "no."

I'm watching "Mythbusters" on the TV while I vegetate on the computer. I've decided I'd like to see Kari Byron naked. Too bad she never posed for Playboy 'cause I know she posed in Maxim or FHM or something like that, but I never saw it.

kari byron
Kari Byron

The weather outside if fuh-ree-sing and I am still trying to thaw out after being out there with a nearly flat tire on my 4x4 and trying to air it up at the gas station. Apparently I don't see well in the dark and there was no light at the air compressor, so I kept putting more and more air into the tire, then looking at it and not noticing any difference. Finally I checked it with the pressure gauge and it nearly shot the meter out of the gauge because I had overfilled it so much. Yay me! At least it isn't flat anymore, eh? I never do anything halfway (yes I do.)

A friend invited me to go out to a club and shoot pool earlier tonight. Originally he used to invite me to clubs so he wouldn't be by himself while he tried to meet hot (drunk) girls. Also, I think he might have heard that I was a good wingman because I'm married and don't care about picking up the girls myself (too heavy), so I won't try to steal them from him with my awesomeness (lameness.) Anyway, eventually we got into the habit of shooting pool and I think he eventually forgot about trying to meet girls (shot down.) He bought his own pool cue at a pawn shop and carries it around with him everywhere he goes. I'm not quite that serious. First of all, I stink at pool. I was OK at it back in college, but that's been awhile and I haven't practiced. Second of all, the tables we played on in college were shit and the cues were, too, so why would I go out and buy an expensive one now? The tables are still shit and the cue doesn't help enough to make up for it. I played lousy tonight which just reinforces my view that I don't want to buy my own stick and haul it around to bars. Hell, I lost my own wristwatch last week and I still don't know where the hell it is. Imagine how many pool cues I could leave all over the city if I were carrying them into places that serve me alcohol.

So, there's stuff in the news and I'm mostly ignoring it. Some woman with a man's name was apparently murdered and the guy they think did it killed himself before the LA police could Taser him in the testicles, which they often do. They don't just limit the testicle-Tasering to suspected murderers, mind you. They do it in routine traffic stops, or pretty much just any time. So it's understandable that this guy would off himself rather than surrender to them. They're like the Taliban, only crueler and with more high-tech weapons.

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