Soooo ... it's Monday

So, it's Monday again. I had something I wanted to post today, but it isn't quite ready and I still need to tweak a few things for legal reasons. It's actually been not quite ready for weeks. I'm just busy lately so it keeps sitting there in the Drafts folder waiting for me.

My wrist is killing me today. Typing is a major challenge because of it. I have no idea what I did to cause it to hurt, either. I mowed the giant field we call a yard yesterday, but I have a riding mower, so it isn't as if I was out there flinging around a pushmower with my hands or something. I think the most strenuous thing I did besides mowing was either washing the dishes or scrubbing the toilets. Neither of those sounds like a wrist breaker to me and I don't recall injuring it doing anything else. Apparently this is what my body does now. It just picks a day and a bodypart and starts hurting for no apparent reason. Oh sure, I severely damaged my wrist once back in high school and it gave me endless pain and problems for years after, but it was the other wrist, not this one. So I'm truly baffled.

I read the news today ... oh boy ... sorry, I always hear those words in my head every time I say I read the news today. Yes, I realize that I don't have to actually say everything that crosses my mind, but as this is my blog I think I can do that. Just try and stop me.

Homey can't touch this

So, the news today. It seems that Iceland is having its revenge on the rest of the world. It is spewing volcanic ash up so high that travelers in Europe can't leave. There is more to this story and I'm sure I should be reading it more closely, but I can't help but wonder how this is going to affect all those countries who signed the Kyoto treaty? You know, volcanoes like this one produce more 'greenhouse gas' than Al Gore, Michael Moore and Barack Obama's world traveling private jets combined. In fact, all the man-made greenhouse bullshit of the last 100 years can't even approach the levels produced by a volcano like this. It's almost as if God, who the greenhouse 'believers' don't believe in, is reminding us of just how insignificant we really are. We truly seem to have forgotten and begun thinking of ourselves as gods who control this planet we're on.

There is a poll in the news today which says 4 out of 5 Americans don't trust Washington. The author of the article seems to find this shocking. I don't find it shocking. I find it shocking that 1 in 5 Americans DO trust Washington. What the hell is wrong with those people??

Yahoo! has apparently decided that it needs to compete with women's magazines so they're releasing a new list of Dos and Don'ts for women every single day. Some of them are pretending to be lists for men, too, but when you read them it quickly becomes obvious who the lists are really intended for. Today's list is:

8 Dating Mistakes that even Smart Women make

I note that this is clearly an American audience they're targeting. I know this because they feel the need to stroke the female audience's egos even as they're pointing out to them they they have fucked up. Oh, you're a total disaster at dating, but you're still a smart woman! Yeah, whatever.

Mistake #1 Being Too Available - in other words, being a doormat, kind of like me. Not only are you ready to go any time, day or night, but you might even be a little stalkerish, camping out on his doorstep just in case he wants to see you again and can't wait 15 minutes for you to drive over. Hey, as a bonus, his doorstep is rent-free!

Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?

Dating Mistake #2 Trying to Rehabilitate a Bad Boy - like Sandra Bullock, who married Jesse James knowing full well that he slept with every stripper he ever met and even had kids with a few. Hey, all those tattoos and motorcycles were really sexy and exciting. And Sandra was never exactly the nice girl America liked to pretend she was anyway, so who was really surprised when it came out that despite his marriage to Sandra, Jesse was, drumroll please, also sleeping with several strippers? There's an old joke, and it's funny because it's true, but it goes like this: women marry men thinking they're going to change them. Men marry women thinking they're never going to change. They're both wrong.

Dating Mistake #3 Looking for Perfection - you're a total bitch, yet you expect him to be Mr. Perfect, with washboard, surfer abs and a bank account like a movie star. Any little flaw in him and you feel empowered by pointing it out, yet you are a trainwreck yourself and can't stand even the slightest criticisms. The problem isn't him, honey. It's you.

Dating Mistake #4 Feeling Sorry for Yourself - apparently you were alone for so long that you fell into a pattern of depression. Now that you've found someone to love and get naked with you're still falling backwards into that familiar pattern. Meanwhile, he's wondering what the hell the problem is and beginning to doubt himself because of your constant unhappiness. A sure way to wreck this relationship is to continue letting this depression ruin it. Get drunk, get naked, get laid and get over it.

Dating Mistake #5 Knowing His Thread-Count Before You Know His Phone Number - You've been alone for awhile and you're really horny. So you jumped at the chance to jump on his penis and get some O-time. Fine. But don't be surprised if that guy expects things to continue like that and never sees you as a serious girlfriend. You've set the pattern and it's a booty-call relationship all the way. If you don't want it to be that way, don't introduce yourself to his penis first before you ask his name.

Dating Mistake #6 Being Too Selfish in Your Relationship - yeah, see here's the thing, Mr. Right is looking for Miss Right. That means if you find the perfect mate and you want him to be yours, you've got to be the perfect mate right back. He may have a nice house, nice car, perfect body and his own successful business, but what have you got to exchange for all of that? A blow-job just isn't enough. He can get that from any stripper. You've got to be the anti-Lorena Bobbitt, a woman he can trust with his secrets and his money, love with all his heart without being taken for granted, and sleep next to without worrying that one night he might wake up to find you holding a knife in one hand and his bleeding, severed genitals in the other.

Dating Mistake #7 Believing in The One - Remember the movie "Serendipity" where Kate Beckinsale's character says that if fate intends for them to be together then it will happen? Yeah, that's some crazy shit. Even in the movie they wasted years apart when they could have been together all that time. There is no fate. Even worse than relying on fate is the fairy tale belief that for every one woman there is just this one perfect man out there and if you don't find him then you'll never be happy. The happiest couples are made up of two healthy individuals who are relatively stable and happy apart from one another, just as much as they are together. If you believe in the idea that there is only one man for you and you must find him, or worse, be 'rescued' by him finding you, then you are setting yourself up for a miserable, unhappy and probably lonely life ahead.

Dating Mistake #8 Forgetting Your Manners - In this day and overly-politicized age of "strong independent women" it has become fashionable for women to be rude, selfish and narcissistic. Guess what? Men hate that shit. Keep in mind that the vast majority of books written for women to tell you how to treat men are written by man-hating lesbians who don't know anything about men other than how to abuse them and drive them away. The rest are written by gay men using women's names. Forget everything you've read in any books or articles (like this one) and throw it away. Then think about what sort of person you aren't willing to put up with in a relationship. Chances are that person is rude, selfish and narcissistic. In other words, a strong, independent dickhead. Right, so don't be that way or you'll wind up alone and bitter like all the other strong independent cunts. We all need each other to some extent. I'm not saying be a needy person. But if you're so into yourself that you can't even be decent to someone you want to love and be loved by then you're fucked up.

Don't be fucked up

OK, so there you go. There's my Monday. Thank God I'm here to give you this fabulous advice, eh? Where would you be without it?

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