Memphis Steve Lists 5 Ways to Make a Miserable Job Better

5 Ways to Make a Miserable Job Better

Alcohol makes people more productive

1. Alcohol - take it to work with you. Hide it if you have to. And always remember this rule of thumb: the stronger the drinks, the less your job stinks.

2. Office Bullies, fuck with them - every workplace has at least one sociopath running around trying to push all the other employees around. If it's a man, he usually likes to use physical intimidation, like throwing coins at coworkers and then pretending he didn't really mean to hit them in the face. "oh sorry." Yeah sure, dickhead. If it's a woman, she'll invariably use the phrase "I order you" followed by some ridiculous statement that has nothing to do with your job, or even more frustrating, is something you were already in the process of doing anyway. And more often than not, this bitch isn't even your boss. Whatever the case, never let a good office bully go unpunished. Slash their tires, pour hot pepper sauce in their coffee, increase the time their popcorn cooks in the microwave by about 10 minutes, infect their computer with a virus, spread nasty rumors about them having sex with children, spread nasty rumors about their children, call their spouse and give them an anonymous tip that she's having an affair with the guy who hit you in the face with a quarter and then said "oh sorry." Be creative. But most important of all, have fun!

3. Schedule "mental health" days - This could mean either going outside to sit in the sun in a lawnchair, listen to your favorite music, and scream "I hate my fucking life" at the top of your lungs for a day, or it could mean going to a bar and just sitting and getting drunk while watching sports on TV. Whatever makes you feel free and easy for awhile and lets you forget about the stresses at work. If there's a beach nearby (you lucky shit) go there and sit in the sun and look at girls titties all day.

4. Deal with your health issues - If your job has driven you to depression it is important to remember that alcohol makes depression worse. But vodka doesn't. Vodka makes everything funny as shit. So skip the weepy old six-pack of beer and reach for a bottle of good old Russian vodka. If it was good enough to help people survive the worst country in the world, it's good enough to help you survive your lousy job. "Я люблю проституток и водочки!"

5. Know yourself and your personality - fun people are drained if they are forced to be around really lame people for too long. If you are a fun person and all your coworkers are in IT or Accounting then of course they're going to suck the life out of you. If you're a lame person and you work with some party animal hot young slut, she's going to make you insane with all her stories about the sex and the drinking and the fun she's having that you never had. Knowing this about yourself can help you to cope. Get away for periodic breaks. Take up smoking as an excuse to step outside and talk shit about all your coworkers with the other smokers. You know that's what they're doing out there. That's why they find it so hard to give up smoking. It's not the nicotine. It's all the shit-talking along with the knowledge that anyone who isn't out there smoking with them is being talked about. Go get you some cigarettes and learn to smoke. It'll do you good.

Smoking - it's good for you
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