Inglourious Basterds
I had seen several advertisements for this film and wasn't really all that compelled to go see it. But somehow or other, I ended up paying $9 to see this thing anyway. Hey, it was a Saturday night and I was bored, OK? Anyway, so Brad Pitt has a lousy Tennessee accent and he recuits a bunch of Jews to go to Germany and cut off the scalps of German soldiers. Meanwhile, this Jewish girl is hiding under the floorboards of a house when the Nazis come and shoot her entire family, who is also hiding under the floorboards. But she escapes. The Nazi officer likes her hot ass, so he doesn't shoot her. Later, after she and her black boyfriend have taken over a cinema in France, the Nazis show up again. And lo and behold, that Nazi who likes her hot ass is with them, only amazingly he does not seem to recognize that hot ass, which I personally found highly unlikely. So anyway, everyone dies, including her and her boyfriend. But Brad Pitt lives and he carves a swastika into the forehead of the Nazi who killed the Jewish girl's entire family, only to not recognize her fine, hot ass when next they met. Yeah, the Nazi lives, too. But the girl with the hot ass dies. What the fuck?
Burn After Reading
I saw the ads and I said "what the fuck is this about?" Yeah, well you did the same thing. I know you did. And then none of us went to see it, right? Yep, but I saw it last weekend. Soooo, how to explain what it's about? Did you see Fargo? Remember how it was like "holy shit, what the hell are they gonna do next?" Yeah, well it's just like that, except without the guy getting stuffed into the woodchipper. In fact, it was made by the same band of Jewish brothers who made Fargo, Raising Arizona, and a host of other really wild movies. And they used a lot of the same actors and actresses for those movies, too. So anyway, if you skipped it because the ads never really made it clear what the movie was about, take my advice and go ahead and see it. If nothing else I can guarantee you won't be able to predict the ending. Or even the middling. It didn't have a lot of hot ass in it, but the story moves along prety well and you never get bored. Oh,and also, Brad Pitt, who did not die in "Inglourious Basterds" gets his head blown off in this film. BONUS!
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
I read the book almost 2 years ago. It was a very good book. In the movie version, it was good to see Hermoine grown up to a legal age, because let's face it, all the grown men in the audience are quietly thinking about whether they'd hit that or not. And they have mostly concluded that, in fact, they would hit that. The movie was very well done. Yes, it's darker than the previous ones, meaning that it has more black people in it. Also, it kind of has to be darker in the depressing sense when you are at war and killing major characters. Hey, death is depressing. Your kids can handle it. Just don't let them catch you bawling or perving on Hermoine. And don't bitch when the movie ends, ok? It's a 700+ page book. Of course they had to end it with things unresolved. Get over it. There's another movie next summer that'll end this saga once and for all. Just wait 12 more months. It's going to be huge. And Hermoine's breasts should be a whole year older by then, too, and hopefully a little bigger.
No creepy old dudes, please!
Watchmen
This movie was adapted from a graphic novel written back in the 1980s. The movie studios, true to standard movie studio tradition, wanted the story updated for the modern day, using modern tried and true formulas to make money. So the filmmaker said, "fuck that shit." And thank God he did.
It's been a long, long time since I've seen a movie that didn't follow a tired old Hollywood formula where I could predict the story every step of the way. It's been even longer since I've seen anything that I couldn't pretty easily predict 'whodunnit'. With this film, I had no idea what was going to happen and I was completely surprised by who did it, how they did it, and how it turned out.
You know what else it's been a long time for? It's been a long time since I've seen a movie where a hot chick gets naked and fucks a guy. And this film had that. YES!
I was also completely surprised by how unheroic the 'heroes' were, and by the fact that this was at least partially what the point of the story was. Heroes who do evil things aren't really heroes, despite the mask and cape. And a world in which superpowered individuals existed would undoubtably involve interesting, but twisted politics.
I'm not going to tell you what happens. I will tell you that you damn well better not take your kids to see this movie. There is more penis in this film than a gay porn flick. There's an attempted rape featuring a female superhero getting punched in the face, complete with lots of blood. There's a vicious groin shot unrelated to the rape, although, thank God, there were no fucking Tasers involved. There's murders of the sort you'd expect to see in "Kill Bill", complete with flying blood. There's plenty of nudity. It's dark and serious and not exactly a story that kids are going to understand. But I can almost guarantee you, you have never seen anything quite like it.
Black Snake Moan
Have you seen this movie? Yeah, so it came out in 2006 and I am way behind. But I asked you a question. Have you seen this movie?
It stars Samuel Jackson and Christina Ricci. I had seen the ads. I heard a few bloggers comment on it. I had skipped it and forgotten it. Then I stumbled across it entirely by accident.
Holy shit! This is a great movie!
It doesn't follow the standard Hollywood 'formula' in any way, shape, or form. It's about a poor black blues musician who finds a white girl lying half-naked and unconscious in the road in front of his house. He takes her inside and tries to doctor her up. The story gets more interesting from there. I'm not going to tell you what happens, but I will tell you that it's cool.
Oh, and Christina shows her titties. BONUS!
Our American navy shot 3 Somali pirates who were holding an American captain hostage. They captured a fourth pirate and have brought him to America to stand trial. Apparently hijacking and robbing merchant vessels is considered a legitimate means of earning a living in backwards countries like Somalia, where law and order are subservient to criminals. Good thing we don't allow that sort of thing here in America.
captured pirate
Vermont Legalizes Gay Marriage
Vermont becomes the 4th U.S. state to legalize gay marriage, with the elected state representatives voting it into law. That's the first time anywhere in the U.S. that anyone remembered the actual correct way to pass a law if you don't want rioting in the streets. It's funny, because Vermont is mostly a huge fuck-up state, but they nailed this one. It's like this, people vote for their reps, the reps vote on the issues, the vote determines what, if any, changes there are in the law. Then everyone is happy. If the reps get way out of touch with the people they represent, the people get a chance to vote them out. Then ACORN comes in, dead people vote in huge numbers, and the next thing you know your lousy state representative is in the United States Senate. Fuck yeah.
Pelosi worried about angry health care rhetoric
Angry Nazi-accusation-throwing Nancy "stretch" Pelosi says she's worried by all the violent language being thrown around by people she disagrees with on the subject of government-controlled healthcare. She says it reminds her of a long, long time ago before most of us were born when hippies were running around tripping on acid and cops would bash their heads in with nightsticks. Then she began singing some old Donavan song no one younger than 60 ever heard and started popping Valiums. Same ole same ole.
Illinois woman dies after catching fire during surgery
How about a nice face-lift, a boob job, some cheekbones, we'll get rid of that turkey-neck, and oh yeah, we're gonna set you on fire.
Paul McCartney voted Americans' favorite Beatle, Yoko least favorite wife
Paul McCartney is still the most loved of all the Beatles, considered gracious and kind. Yoko Ono, meanwhile, is still the most hated old skank of all former and present Beatles wives. No big surprise here.
Massachusetts House approves bill on Kennedy seat
When the Governor of Massachusetts was a Republican, the communist Democrat House and Senate voted to change the law and not allow the Governor to appoint a replacement Senator. Then a communist Democrat became Governor. Then Senator Teddy "woman killer" Kennedy died, leaving his Senate seat open. Suddenly the communist Democrats wanted to reverse the law they had themselves reversed just recently, and let their communist leader appoint a new communist Democrat to replace Senator Kennedy and restore their 60 vote filibuster-proof majority in the U.S. Senate. Confused? It's simple. Communist Democrats, who declare themselves to be the Party of the People, don't trust The People to elect the 'right' candidate, that is, their candidate, so they want to make the decision for them, not bothering with any of this democracy nonsense.
Gay Pedophile Set Up Home for Haitian Boys, Molested Them for 10 Years
An enterprising gay man with a penchant for young boys, Douglas Perlitz, 39, decided to let the system bring his lovers to him, rather than having to go out and dredge them up the hard way. So he set up a home for Haitian children and filled it with juicy little black boys. He molested the boys for 10 years, even traveling to foreign countries for some lovely underaged sexcapades. Now he faces 10 counts related to the sexual abuse of nine boys, a job offer from the Walt Disney Corporation, and the possibility of becoming the Democratic Party's nominee to replace deceased Teddy "The Lake" Kennedy as United States Senator from the state of Massachusetts.
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