Monday in America

Tori Praver

Roman Polanski to fight extradition to US

A long-assed time ago, like 30 years or more, film director Roman Polanski had sex with a girl who was way too hot for him. And also a tad too young. So say California law enforcement agents. Citizens of the US, and especially prosecutors, have a real problem with men having sex with women or girls whom we deem to be much too hot for them. Or just men having sex and being happy in general. So we lock them up. In the old days, back when Mr. Polanski did the deed, we'd send cops to jump on him and beat the fuck out of him, before dragging him to jail to be ass-raped by homosexuals and tortured with cattle-prods by guards. Today, we send a couple of undersized and undertrained cops armed with Tasers to castrate the man right there on the spot, shooting him in the testicles with several Tasers at once and burning his genitals to a crisp while he falls to the floor and shakes in a hellish paralysis of pure sexual agony and burning human flesh. Not because of the sexual nature of his crime, but because we just do this to American men in general. We do it to all our citizens whenever police action is required. But hey, we don't torture in America! That is, if you are a terrorist or enemy agent. But if you are an American male, we'll sexually assault, torture and castrate you right in front of your own wife and children if we get the chance. Cause that's how we roll!

And then we'll video the whole thing and put it up on YouTube for a laugh.

Iran tests advanced missiles, raising more concern

Iran has stepped up its nuclear missile program in light of the election of President Barack Obama, whom they refer to affectionately as "the black Jimmy Carter." Apparently Iran feels that President Obama is a man who likes to 'dialogue' while Iranian scientists are busy at work developing nuclear warheads and Iranian military officials are happily buying missiles from Russia. When asked about this, President Jimmy Obama responded, "I'll have to sit down and have a talk with them."

Bank suspends dealings with ACORN housing entity

American banks, responding to recent revelations that ACORN is nothing more than a criminal front for organized crime, have decided to temporilly stop doing business with their housing entities. At the same time, bank officials have expressed great interest in ACORN's burgeoning prostitution business.

Poll casts pall over Britian's ruling Labor party

Recent polls indicate that the majority of British subjects think Labor is a bunch of flaming communist poofs who should go get fucked. Unfortunately, Britians "center-right" Tories aren't offering a significant improvement, taking the "compassionate conservative" approach that American Republicans adopted in the late 1990s and early 21st century which led to a complete takeover by Marxist Democrats in 2006 and 2008.

Oklahoma teen held in closet for 4 1/2 years

A 14-year-old Oklahoma boy was locked in his home, often inside a closet, by his crazy feminist mother for 4 1/2 years because, he said, she feared he might escape and "have sex with girls." Apparently his mother is an avid watcher of American TV and has become convinced that all men are rapists and a pedophile is lurking around every corner, with a serial killer/rapist standing next to him. She didn't want her son to ever have a chance to become a rapist/serial killer/pedophile/sex slave trafficker, so she locked him up in the closet, until he finally escaped and ran to the neighbors where the police were called. Police psychiatrists say the mother appears to be an average American woman with the same overblown fears and faith in feminist propaganda that most American women have due, in no small part, to a feminized news media and drug-addicted television industry. "She loves watching 'Issues with Mary Javez-Mitchell on HLN' an unnamed police source was quoted as saying. 'She's your average, ordinary Obama supporter.'

Homeless Georgia sex offenders directed to woods

Branded for life with a large scarlet letter "X" on their foreheads, Georgia men convicted of crimes that range from the hiring of a prostitute to teenaged boys having consensual sex with teenaged girls to actual sexual assault have been driven like witches into the forests surrounding Atlanta. "They simply have nowhere else to go," a Georgia probation official said. "They aren't allowed to move freely like other criminals whose sentences have been served, and they aren't allowed to live in the community like murderers and drug dealers and psychopathic women who cut off their husbands genitals are. Basically, they are treated like, and forced to live like, well, animals."

Mexico, Brazil rally along with Wall Street

And me, too, because I long ago took a huge portion of my investment money out of the U.S. and put a chunk of it in Brazil and Mexico and several other countries not following the increasingly socialist policies of American 'leaders'. Let's all meet up in Saulo Paulo and have a big-assed party!

Connecticut female bank robber captured

Connecticut, long a hotbed of misandric oppression and female-supremacist policy, is now proudly the home of one of America's few female bank robbers. Heather Brown, 34, has been captured after robbing 6 banks throughout the tiny, miserable state of Connecticut and spending all of the money on drugs and expensive shoes. Officials have already announced that they are declaring her "the real victim" and letting her go so she can do guest spots on Oprah and The View. Also, they are declaring the day of her first robbery, September 21st, to be "Heather Brown Day" in celebration of her achievements as a "strong independent woman."

False rape accuser will not be punished

False gang-rape accuser Danmell Ndonye will not be charged with a crime for falsely accusing 5 male students of gang-raping her, Nassau County District Attorney Kathleen Rice said in a written statement. "We don't punish women for doing wrong," Rice said, "and we can come up with endless excuses for why this is so. For example, other false rape accusers might be reluctant to admit they lied. Also, women who really are raped might be afraid to file charges. Also, the world is a Patriarchy and women don't have the power to hurt men with false accusations. Also, the voices in my head told me to let her go because Oprah Winfrey wants to interview her and NBC wants to do a movie about her life."

Man gets 18 months for pellet gun hot dog theft

A Massachusetts man has been sentenced to 18 months in prison for stealing a hotdog from a man sitting under a tree, which is precisely 18 months longer than Danmell Ndonye, who falsely accused 5 innocent men of rape, and had them all arrested and charged, will serve for her crime.

Obama supports longer school year

President Barack Obama, in a shameless gift to the Teachers Labor Unions, said he supports lengthening the school year so that teachers can work more and make more money. Oh, and also maybe it'll help kids learn more and reduce teen violence by locking kids up year-round instead of letting them vacation with their families over the summer.

Sexual torture practice - isn't it fun? Wait till it's your turn
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