Every day, as I'm checking my email, at least once per day, the following photo advertisement pops up on my screen, totally erasing my brain and causing me to lose my train of thought. What? Where am I? What was I doing? Who am I?
I tend to be a bit hard on marketing campaigns, especially when they're really, truly lame-assed shit. But this one, I must admit, is pure genius. It doesn't matter how many times a day I see it, I can't not look at it. It's been running for months and yet I still stare at it every time it pops up. I mean, who can look away from a sight like this? For God's sake, it's floating titties! Genius, I tell you, pure marketing genius! I love this ad, whatever the hell it's for.
And now, Things To Think About, from people who are supposedly wiser than me, as is evidenced by the fact that they are quoted all over the internet and I am not.
Mike Ditka - former head coach of "da Bears"
I sometimes think that the saving grace of America lies in the fact that the overwhelming majority of Americans are possessed of two great qualities - a sense of humor and a sense of proportion.
Franklin Roosevelt - 1st U.S. President known to have married a lesbian
Excuse me for a moment, I can't quit laughing at this last quote. Clearly this was written a long-assed time ago. I mean, today that quote applies more accurately to Australia than any Western nation I know of. It sure as hell doesn't fit America anymore. Sorry, let me catch my breath here. Oh, so fucking funny ...
You always pass failure on the way to success
Mickey Rooney - famous actor who screwed Ava Gardner and considered that to be his greatest achievement, as did most of the other men who screwed her
Face your deficiences and acknowledge them. But do not let them master you.
Helen Keller - woman on the Alabama quarter
We tend to elect our deficiences to high office. I don't know why. It's just a bad habit, one which we're probably going to repeat at this same time next year.
You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them
Michael Jordan - famous underwear model who used to play basketball
If I expect Carmen Electra, can I do her?
Deep doubts, deep wisdom; small doubts, little wisdom
Ancient Chinese proverb
This explains why the Chinese are so nervous all the time, I guess. And the missiles they've built from the technology Clinton illegally sold to them in the 1990s explains why we're so nervous over here, too.
You don't have to be the biggest to beat the biggest.
Ross Perot - short man with giant ears
Despite what he says, it's a lot easier being the biggest than it is beating the biggest.
OK, so that's all the deep thoughts I have for today. I mean, I have more, but I left them at home. So sue me. No wait, I didn't mean that literally.
There is interesting crap going on in the news today. I'd comment on it, but I'm ignoring it, so I can't. Deep thoughts and memes that I've been tagged for are as meaningful as I'm getting right now.
I've just returned from the post office, where I picked up the neccessary forms to get my passport. I can sense all the Aussie women immediately getting nervous as they're reading this. They all thought I was only kidding about coming over there. Steph, especially, must be sweating bullets, as she once offered to let me sleep on her couch, only to have me casually comment that once I land on that continent, I never plan to leave. "Oh nooos" she probably thought to herself, "a smelly American squatter!"
They're forcing us to convert to Microsoft Office 2007 today. I don't want to. I don't want to upgrade to Microsoft Vista and I don't want to convert to Office 2007. Why can't they just leave us all alone for awhile? I mean, force everyone else to convert, fine, because I still have stock in Microsoft which I really need to sell. But leave me alone with my comfort zone and familiar applications.
Why can't we just stop and breath for awhile? Why do we have to upgrade every damned thing we own every damned year? What if I don't want a new HD TV? What if I like my car radio pulling old-fashioned FM stations from the old-fashioned airwaves? What if I don't want crumple zones and fucking air bags? What if I think it's totally fucking gay that giant SUVs drop half their front end in the street every time they bump into a shopping cart or deer in the road?
Have you seen all those plastic 'bumpers' lying alongside the roads the past several years? Those are from so-called 'trucks'. They bump something and just fall apart. I don't care why they do it. It's still shitty. I would think the environmental terrorists would be all over that. Talk about shitting up the roadsides! Which is worse, a tiny bag of half-eaten McDonald's, or a giant fucking plastic bumper and grille from some gangsta pimp-daddy's Cadillac Escalade?
I like my big, old, heavy, steel cars and trucks. I like spinning my tires and kicking my posi-traction ass sideways when I feel the urge. I like a rumbling V8 engine that sucks so much air when I hit the gas pedal that the hood flexes downward towards the carburetor.
Yes, I said fucking carburetor, bitches!
I like the fact that I once saw an America where kids rode their fucking bikes without helmets on, and any kid who did wear a helmet was pelted with rocks and called 'fag'. I like the memory of a country where we biked and skated on concrete without wearing a suit of plastic armor for just in case we fell down and hurted our wittle selves.
It's Thursday, by God, and I don't feel like wearing a helmet when I bike! I don't feel that it's any of my government's concern whether I wear a seatbelt or not. I don't think the government knows better how to raise anyone's kids than the parents do themselves and I think the childseat laws are a big, fucking racket.
I enjoyed riding in the back of a pickup truck as a kid! I loved sliding around in the back of Mom's giant, steel stationwagon without a seatbelt, helmet, or stupid plastic prison-seat.
I'm pretty sure that my parents' toys when they were kids had more lead in them than anything coming out of China today, and in fact, I seem to recall that in the past, some toys were made ENTIRELY of lead. And yet still somehow the human race has managed to survive. Amazing!
How did we ever make it this far without a big, neurotic motherly government to legislate away every tiny aspect of our days in those dark years long past? Thank God we've traded our freedom for the promise of security and a giant safety net that requires strict political correctness and total conformity by one and all. I'm so glad.
Now, I need to go home and fill out that passport paperwork as fast as I possibly can.
Booya!
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